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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry I won't love dc2 as much?

40 replies

SillyOldWoman · 07/05/2010 21:31

Have name-changed for this as do feel stupid but at the same time really worried.
We are trying for a 2nd baby but I'm very concerned I won't love it as much as my ds. I know a lot of people say this, but I really cannot imagine it, and am really hoping we get a girl as I definitely can't see me loving another boy as much. Maybe we shouldn't try as what if I don't.....???
Is it honestly the case that you find the love when they come along or (being really honest) do any of you love one dc more than another?

OP posts:

junglist1 · 07/05/2010 21:36

When I went into labour with my second, I had to leave my first born sleeping and it felt like a horrible betrayal. But you will love your baby as much, definetely!! Please don't worry

BramblyHedge · 07/05/2010 21:37

I felt exactly like this when pg with ds2 and I was amazed to find that yes, I did love them both as much as each other. Bonding took a day or two longer but that could have been the terrible birth etc. I love them both equally and adore the different traits of their personalities. I don't think having a dd or ds makes any difference - your children will be different even if both boys. Mine are completely different.

Firawla · 07/05/2010 21:37

honestly you will love the 2nd one too, is there any other reason why you think you wouldn't or is it just because you can't imagine loving another one as much as ds1? but you would because ds2 is your child too so it's just the same?
i have 2 ds and i didnt have any problem with this, i think you may be panicing unnecessarily unless there is any more relevant info to add? if its just that you can't imagine it, then i wouldn't worry because did you really imagine exactly how it is with 1 dc before your first was born, obviously you know in advance that you would love them but the experience is different than just what you think before experiencing.. if you get me?
also with 2 ds, (or 2 dc either boy and girl or whatever probably same) when you see them both together and that they love each other it is so lovely, and increases your love for both of them even more when you see that, so its just more love all round
if you really would like another dc it would be a shame not to go for it, just because of these worries when most likely it would come to nothing and you would love your dc2 loads, just like dc1

Weegle · 07/05/2010 21:37

yes - honestly - you find the love when they come along. Your heart expands, you don't share the love you have for DC1.

When I found out I was pregnant second time around with twins I went in to complete denial. I convinced myself I couldn't love them as much as DS and I couldn't love them as individuals (they are identical). 4 months old and my heart is bursting with love for these two incredible babies. I love all my children intensely. Not a shadow of a doubt - but I clearly remember having your exact same fear.

PiratePrincess · 07/05/2010 21:38

Really honestly - you do love them the same.

That feeling you have for your DS? You'll feel the same way about DS2. Or DD.

Trust me.

SalFresco · 07/05/2010 21:38

YANBU to worry.

But you will love it just as much. You know how people go on about how you can't understand what it feels like to love your child until it happens and all that?! Same thing. You think you can't love it as much, but you will. Although IME, you will have to accept that you will spend less time staring at DC2 / monitoring every tiny movement and sound / phoning people to tell them baby has sneezed / having hysterics and phoning NHS Direct because it has eaten a small and unidentifiable object from the rug.

But on the upside, you won't be as panicky and precious and it is all more relaxed and fun.

WinkyWinkola · 07/05/2010 21:39

You will absolutely love your second child. YOur love is elastic, not limited.

YOu may think you won't love another boy as much but Mother Nature will kick in and you won't be able to help it. That child needs you and you won't be able to help loving it.

It will frighten you how much especially when your first seems like a galumphing elephant around the baby.

What bothered me was how worried I felt about my second baby's safety around my very jealous first child. I felt my patience diminish a lot.

I do however think people should learn to accept that when you try for a child, you could have a boy or a girl. YOu get what you're given and that's the way it is. It's not the baby's fault.

QueenOfToast · 07/05/2010 21:46

I remember worrying about this. Another worry I had was that if the house was burning down, or there was another disaster, how would I be able to save two children; what if I had to choose between them etc etc.

I definitely love both my DSs without reservation. They are totally different people and need different things from me but I love both of them. They also both "give" me different things; for example, DS1 is very emotionally mature and sensitive to the feelings of others whereas DS2 is a bit of an emotional whirlwind but can be amazingly kind (if he's in the mood!)

Try not to worry too much about these feelings. It seems to me to be a fairly normal anxiety about having a baby.

Original poster

SillyOldWoman · 07/05/2010 21:48

No other information to add Firawla, I just feel like I'm betraying ds somehow! But I do really want him to have brothers and sisters, especially coming from a biggish family myself.

Was going to write about how surprised I was by how much I loved ds when he was born as most of you have mentioned, but didn't want to go on too long, but I did know I would love him, just didn't realise the depth of it iyswim. But with a 2nd I don't have that "knowing" that I'll love him/her (I know I can't choose Winky, just more worried about having a boy) which is worrying me. DP thinks I'm being an idiot!

I don't spoil ds or anything, think I'm quite strict actually but almost feel sorry for him that he'll have to share me - feel guilty!!

OP posts:

intravenouscoffee · 07/05/2010 21:49

Common worry I think. I was so blown away by the love I felt for DD that I couldn't imagine how I could feel that way about any other person.

Towards the end of pregnancy (when I was HUGE) felt really guilty that she was missing out on having an active Mummy who could pick her up and give her proper hugs just because I was selfish enough to want another baby .

And then we had DS and I felt the same love for him. Like WW said, I often find myself losing patience with DD because she's not being careful around DS or she's waking him up when he needs a rest.

In the same way that you can't imagine how much you're going to love your first until they arrive you can't really imagine how you'll feel about the next one until it happens. But it does happen, and it's great.

Undutchable · 07/05/2010 21:54

A friend said to me, "love multiplies, it doesn't divide". It's so true. I am here with DS2 next to me and he's the most beautiful thing in the world - as is DS1.

I worried about it too. But I think the greatest gift I could have given DS1 is a brother .

CaptainNancy · 07/05/2010 21:55

I was so worried about this myself... someone on mn described it as "you're not sharing a pie of love between 2 children... you get a whole other pie as well" (or similar)- they were so right!

I wanted a girl 2nd time too, and found out it was a ds at 20weeks... which was good, because it gave us chance to get our heads around it a little. I am so glad it's a ds now- he is fantastic.

Best of luck.

Macforme · 07/05/2010 22:07

I have four children... and had the first three only a year apart each (ok no 3 WAS a surprise lol) and I worried sick I wouldn't love no 2 as much as no 1, and that I wouldn't love a boy as much as I did my girl... really stressed about it.

Needless to say each new baby just thrilled me and each newborn actually made me love the older children even more because I could delight in their growing personalities.
A big family is a total blessing... (tho have to admit, pretty darn expensive lol!)

piscesmoon · 07/05/2010 22:25

Once the DC is there you will wonder why you worried! Love just stretches-it isn't something that has to be parcelled out.

SeasideLil · 07/05/2010 22:33

I had exactly the same worries, I thought no other child would be able to compare and our bond so strong that it would be like a betrayal to spoil it by having another child. This is just not what happens. The elastic thing really is true (luckily). Now I worry whether a third would be as great as the first two or whether I would be pushing my luck...

colditz · 07/05/2010 22:35

You will, each child implants you with another heart before they leave your body.

Trite-tastic,

You will though. Every child has their charms. Ds1 is the light of my life - Ds2 is the sunshine of my soul.

OrganicHairbrush · 07/05/2010 22:39

Good to hear. I've had a similar worry! And I thought twas just me

colditz · 07/05/2010 22:40

You will come out of hospital and be AMAZED at how enormous your Ds's feet are.

MiladyDeWinterOfDiscontent · 07/05/2010 22:43

If it's any consolation I'm already worried that I won't love non-conceived DC3 as much as my DS and DD even though I know how silly it is having been through it...

Love that thing about the heart and body colditz

mollymawk · 07/05/2010 22:46

YANBU to worry - it seems we all do. But unnecessarily. They each come with their own bubble of love.

The best thing is when (eventually, not at the stage when DC1 keeps poking baby DC2 in the eyes) you see how they love each other.

But when you first see DS after the birth of DC2 you will find he suddenly has a huge head.

DeirdreB · 07/05/2010 22:56

There are some lovely thoughts on here!! My favourite is "love is multiplied" - worth reminding your first born if necessary that having more just means there are more people to love.

I remember thinking that I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as I loved DC1, DC2 arrived and I just loved them both more than I could possibly have imagined!!

When DC3 arrived, it was as if the whole family fell in love with everyone all over again! You may well feel guilty that your DC's don't get your 100% attention but that is well outweighed by the magical sibling moments. DC1 fell in love with DC3 on first sight and DC3 thinks he is the best thing on the planet!! DC2 just loves everyone!!

Clothilde · 07/05/2010 23:06

I worried about this when I was pregnant with my second baby, but I fell hopelessly in love with DS as soon as he was born. The nicest unexpected thing, though, was the relationship between my two children that was independent of me. I love my DD even more now that I've seen her grow and develop as a big sister and see how much she loves her little brother. So for me, having a second child has made me a lot grumpier, but also filled me with more love than I ever imagined.

lechatnoir · 07/05/2010 23:10

I was worried about this too but I actually found it easier to love DS2 - not more or less than DS1 just easier and looking back I do think the love of your PFB child is ever so slightly tinged with fear to start with. Well it was for me

blueshoes · 07/05/2010 23:48

The baby will always be special.

UnseenAcademicalMum · 07/05/2010 23:55

I did worry about this a bit too. In reality I found that if anything once ds2 was born I was enormously protective of him and less patient with ds1 (in hindsight). It's nature's way that a mother will be most protective of her most vulnerable child.

Don't worry, really. You will love then both maybe not the same, but equally (if that makes sense?)

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