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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry I won't love dc2 as much?

40 replies

SillyOldWoman · 07/05/2010 21:31

Have name-changed for this as do feel stupid but at the same time really worried.
We are trying for a 2nd baby but I'm very concerned I won't love it as much as my ds. I know a lot of people say this, but I really cannot imagine it, and am really hoping we get a girl as I definitely can't see me loving another boy as much. Maybe we shouldn't try as what if I don't.....???
Is it honestly the case that you find the love when they come along or (being really honest) do any of you love one dc more than another?

OP posts:

blueshoes · 08/05/2010 00:07

What was amazing to me was not only the love I had for no.2, but also seeing the relationship between no.1 and no.2 develop. That is something I did not expect - they are now thick as thieves.

Henny1995 · 08/05/2010 01:44

I had the exact same worries as on only child expecting number 2. Could NOT get my head round the whole sibling thing. But I do love both my girls beyond belief now and did from the second they were born.
I do feel I didn't "connect" with my second as well as my first however, but I think that was cos Mum's cancer came back when she was 3 months (I was connecting with her amazingly till then) and then Mum died before she was one, so I spent a lot of her babyhood grieving. I feel guilty about that.:-(
If it hadn't been for that, I think it would've been so different.
I love them both totally equally. I guess as well, the older one was talking loads at 2 and my baby girl says very little still and seems a much younger two than the older one did. Can't wait for the little one to really start going for it.
You'll be fine regardless of the sex you have. They're such precious gifts, you'll see your little new baby's face and melt.

Morloth · 08/05/2010 04:19

I was worried about this as well, it seemed impossible to me that I could love another child as much as I loved DS1, then when DS2 arrived he was just as scrummy and just as wonderful as DS1.

Add in that DS1 thinks he is the best thing ever and the baby can't take his eyes off his big brother and it all worked out brilliantly.

Love is not finite.

NoobyNoo · 08/05/2010 07:50

Yesterday morning DS2(9 months) was sitting up playing with toys - he dropped one out of his reach, and started to chirrup and wail. DS2(3)got up from his trains, walked over, gave him the toy, kissed his head, rubbed him on the back and said 'It's ok baby'. Then went back to his trains.

explodes

Its just little things like that, that make me realise that giving DS1 a brother really was one of the best things I could do for him. Before DS2 was born I felt the same way you do - how could I ever feel about another son the way I do about DS1? I just couldn't!!! I just felt so guilty when I was pregnant as I knew how much time a newborn takes up and I felt like I was going to be abandoning DS1. Your relationship with your DS1 will change - because you'll see how grown up he is compared to your newborn. It's a nice change though!

And you know what? I don't love DS2 the way I love DS1. I have a brand new specially sized DS2 portion of love just for him. He is SO different from his brother (this one EATS woo hoo!), yet there are lovely similarities too. I'm just so overwhelmed by my love for these two little guys. I'm so so so lucky to have them, just the way they are.

Honest - after the dust settles, and you're through the early stages you'll find it hard to remember that you didn't always have both of them!

NoobyNoo · 08/05/2010 08:20

damn that didn't work.....

I mean't my heart explodes!

meshellby · 08/05/2010 08:38

am expecting my 2nd in about 8 weeks, and have been worrying about how no 1 will cope with less attention, how I will cope with 2 kids and if I will feel the same towards number 2 as I did with DD1. Reading this has made me feel a lot better and very excited about the new arrival! Its the type of thread that MN does really well!!!

Hollyoaks · 08/05/2010 08:53

OMG, dc2 is due in 3 weeks and I am now an emotional wreck.

I wasn't particularly worried about this but thought it would be nice to read others experience of having number 2 and now I'm blubbing.

hazeyjane · 08/05/2010 08:59

I was filled with panic about this when I was pregnant with dc2, dd1 was only 14 months old when dd2 was born, and I felt like I was betraying dd1, that there wouldn't be enough of me for both of them, and that I couldn't possibly feel that mind-bending love that I felt when dd1 arrived, a second time.

I remember sitting next to dd2 in her crib in the hospital, and my mum bringing in dd, I sat with both of them on my lap and I felt as though my whole world had expanded, it was the most amazing feeling to see dd1 peering in at her baby sister.

Watching their relationship develop has been the most amazing thing to me, they are now 3 and 4 and they fight (of course!), and hug, and chat together, and gang up on me and make each other laugh all the time. Watching the differences between them is great as well, they learn loads from each other because they are such different personalities.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant with dc3 (a ds!) and still have slight feelings of panic about upsetting the apple cart, but I can't wait to see them all together.

toddlerama · 08/05/2010 09:11

I worried exactly the same and spent a couple of days in hospital with mega-guilt that DD1 was my favourite and DD2 was "just" a baby I had, but when it kicked in, it REALLY kicked in! I didn't put her down for about a year! The love is not exactly the same for me at any rate - the love I have for them is completely different because they are completely different, but it is equal.

diddl · 08/05/2010 09:41

Of course you´ll love your second as much-and any more you might have!

It amazes me that it even occurs to anyone that this might not be the case!

Original poster

SillyOldWoman · 08/05/2010 21:43

Oh thank you everyone, although I still can't imagine it, I feel a bit more normal at least! And will try and take your words for it.

The lovely stories about watching the brothers/sisters together are brilliant and something I hadn't really considered properly, so definitely think it's the right thing to go ahead, although fear I might spend much of the time with 2 kids in emotional tears about how cute they are together if your posts are anything to go by!!

ds is a proper handful and bad sleeper so am hoping a future child will be easier different in those ways at least! If it was, I might love it more actually . Thanks again, feel now

OP posts:

narna · 08/05/2010 22:33

i felt exactly the same and remember crying to my mum about it.
She takes great pleasure in reminding of it whenever she sees me worshipping my gorgeous DS.lol My two are totally different but i adore them both equally just as my mum said i would .

thehat · 09/05/2010 16:36

I agree with diddl. Are you an only child OP? As the youngest of 3, I know parents have equal love for their children. Us younger siblings would have a raw deal if they didn't.

MNHubbie · 09/05/2010 16:41

YANBU it is a perfectly normal worry that we had with each of the second 2 of our 3 and we were proven wrong each time. YANBU BUT you have nothing to worry about.

diddl · 09/05/2010 17:18

What concerned me was that the older one might feel "pushed out".

But it was really easy to include him in "helping" with the baby & cuddling & reading with him when bfeeding baby.

It´s probably hormones but you just feel the same instant rush of love and that you would lay down your life for that baby as you did the first time around.

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