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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to look after my nephew ..

29 replies

busynotbored · 07/05/2010 20:03

my younger sister works full time and my mum looks after my 20 month old nephew. I try and help out as much as I can and take him to play group once a week for a couple of hours. I have two children 6 and 7 and I'm 6 months pregnant with no3. Mum is going away in September for 2 weeks with friends and it'll be the first holiday she's had in nearly 2 years.
Yesterday my mum told me that sister had tried to book two weeks off work but couldn't take the first week off. Her husband works shifts so could look after his son most of the week but needs to request 4 days holiday from work, somrthing which has never been a problem before. Mum was hinting for me to look after the baby but I have made it clear since finding out I was pregnant that I can't look after him.
Today mum told me BIL had applied for a new job and so could have problems taking holidays and sister had considered putting him in a nursery for the four days. I didn't pass comment then mum said to me "you'd only have to mind him for 4 days". I tried to explain again that I will have a newborn plus a 6 and 7 year old to look after. She said nephew was a good baby and easy to look after, he is good but he'll be 2 and all 2 years olds are hard work !!! Also I may have a c section with this baby and so would only just be getting back to normal. My DH is adamant that I shouldn't do it. He too adores my nephew and spends a lot of time with him but is using his holidays to take time off with me and our children once this baby is born, mum had suggested he coulod take time off work to help me look after nephew.
I'm feeling guilty about not being able to help, had I not been pregnant I would gladly have looked after him. I know this isn't going to go away and I'm worried could turn into a family argument.
So please tell me am I being unreasonable ????
x

OP posts:

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 07/05/2010 20:04

YANBU

4 days of nursery won't kill the child!

traceybath · 07/05/2010 20:05

YANBU

Just say to your mum ' don't worry employers always honour pre-booked holidays' and leave it at that.

Your sister may not even know what your mum is hinting at.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 07/05/2010 20:06

YANBU and surely it is up to your sister to ask you not your mother to emotionally blackmail you.

Tootlesmummy · 07/05/2010 20:09

Agree totally, you shouldn't do it and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty. What about BIL family to watch your nephew!?

Firawla · 07/05/2010 20:23

Of course YANBU if your mum or sister try to make you feel guilty about this then they are BU. I don't understand why the dad can't take some holiday really

Original poster

busynotbored · 07/05/2010 20:31

I'm not sure if my sister knows my mum has asked me. I did tell my sister ages ago that I couldn't do it and although she seemed a bit shocked she was ok about it.
BIL's family live to far away.
My mum has issues with my BIL and has reason to believe he cannot look after his own child. He's never actually looked after him for any length of time. He worls shifts and even on his days off mum still has my nephew.

OP posts:

outnumbered2to1 · 07/05/2010 20:37

yanbu - your mum however is trying emotional blackmail on you with is BVU!! Maybe if your mum looked after your nephew less your BIL might get the chance to look after him unless there is some other reason he can't other than he works shifts?

warthog · 07/05/2010 20:39

holy crap! don't do it. you'll have your hands full as it is.

Rosieeo · 07/05/2010 20:39

No, you're not. I'm surprised they asked

Eglu · 07/05/2010 20:43

YANBU at all. You will have plenty to cope with.

Vallhala · 07/05/2010 20:45

Jeez! YANBU. If the family think otherwise they are very mistaken.

Beasknees · 07/05/2010 20:47

YANBU you just need to talk to your sister and not your mum - it's not really her business.

Be simple and factual - 'i'd love to help but at the moment i don't know how i'll be managing with the new baby and a new routine and i can't commit to anything. I may be able to help for one afternoon but at this stage i can't help as much as i'd like to be able to'

KiddingAnxiously · 07/05/2010 20:51

I missed the September bit there for a minute, but now I have seen it

YADNBU a newborn, your own kids and a two year old will be so much work. I am surprised they asked.

I am normally good humoured when it comes to minding my DN/DN but wouldn't be in this case.

If you don't think your DSIS knows I would mention gently that it's around the time of you DD and that you don't think you will be capable. Hopefully she'll be mortified?

zipzap · 07/05/2010 20:51

COuld you try the 'won't it be great for him to have a chance to experience something different at nursery or with a child minder' tack, show that you think that going to nursery or whatever different solution they come up with is a positive experience for you dn?

saslou · 07/05/2010 21:16

I don't think your dh should be taking time off work to help look after your nephew. Your BIL should be doing that. If he genuinely can't then tbh I would look after my nephew and just resign myself to not going out/doing much for 4 days. I wouldn't like the idea of him going to a cm or nursery unless he was used to it already. You could offer to be backup if he does go to nursery but doesn't settle. Obviously if you do have a c-section and don't feel up to it , then you shouldn't feel obligated. He is not your child and I think your mum is wrong to put pressure on you, but I would do this for my sister if she needed me to, even if I didn't really feel up to it.

mnistooaddictive · 07/05/2010 21:29

YANBU Your sister could use her parental leave days I don't think they can turn those down. Or she will just have to ring in sick. Just like everyone else with children and no family round the corner to call on. She is incredibly lucky your mum does so much for her as it is. They must have thought about a back up?

Supercherry · 07/05/2010 21:45

No, YANBU, but if they are planning on using a nursery then it would be wise to get him used to it now so it doesn't come as a shock to him.

If I was your sister, I would pull a sickie if she has no other option.

Casmama · 07/05/2010 21:52

YADNBU and should not feel guilty in any way. I suspect your mum maybe feels guilty and thinks that she is leaving your sister in the lurch but she should not feel guilty either.
If this is an issue for them then your sisters dp should wait until after September to look for a new job. How about someone in his family- surely you and your mum are not the only people who ever look after him?

Original poster

busynotbored · 08/05/2010 10:23

Thanks for all you messages ladies. Mum and I are the only ones who look after him, his other grandparents live too far away.
I don't think my mum is meaning to emotional blackmail me, she is worried about how he will be in a nursery and TBH is not keen on leaving him with his own father.
My sister and I used to be really close and I still would do anything for her. Her DH has caused a lot of family upsets in the past year and our relationship has drastically changed but I adore my nephew.
I think I'm gonna speak to my sister, when we see one another and talk it through with her. If I don't have a section then my baby will be about 6 weeks and I may have some kind of rountine ??? (she says as its 6 years since the last one and has a bad memory !!!)
Anyway, I'll keep u posted and thanks once again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 08/05/2010 13:10

I don't think YABU in the sense that your sister should really be sorting this out for herself and if you've said no, you've said no - for whatever reason.

I would want to get to the bottom of why your Mum feels your BIL shouldn't be left with his own child.

I feel it's totally unreasonable of your Mum to suggest your DH takes leave to sort this out!!

However, your baby will be about 6 weeks; third time around you should be pretty sorted. Lots of people have 4 kids with the same age gaps... I can't see why it would be that difficult for you to have him for 4 days tbh.

I would do it so that my Mum had a good holiday and so that DN doesn't end up going to a childminder/nursery he doesn't know.

Is it feasible for them to pay for childcare between now & September just so he can get used to it? If they can afford to do so, it would be a good idea so that your Mum has a bit more flexability in the future - even if it's only 1 or 2 mornings a week - so that if your Mum does need a time off he has somewhere familiar to go. What would they do if your Mum had an accident or something (god forbid) and was laid up for a few weeks?

Ripeberry · 08/05/2010 13:20

So your sister works full-time and the dad works as well and they are getting FREE childcare!
They are using you and you know it. They will have to use a nursery.
They are very lucky to have your mum. Lots of people HAVE to use expensive childcare and have no other choice .
Sorry to sound bitter, but we have no relatives who can help if we ever needed childcare.

Original poster

busynotbored · 08/05/2010 13:31

Mum thinks BIL is too short tempered and would just shout at DN. I persoanlly don't get on with him and would never leave my kids with him but I'm pretty sure he is better with his own child. Mum is a bit of a control freak and sister and BIL have been quite happy to take advantage of mum wanting DN. Me and DH are much more independent and quite happy to look after our own kids !!!

OP posts:

RunawayWife · 08/05/2010 13:32

YANBU, It is not up to you to look after your nephew when you have so many other things going on at that time.

I have a real bug bare about people who can not sort out their child care

diddl · 08/05/2010 13:42

Your Mum isn´t away until September.
That imo is plenty of time for your sister & her husband to sort something out.

YANBU at all.

Sometimes parents have to make their own arrangements for their own children!

Original poster

busynotbored · 08/05/2010 19:56

Well I've just spoken to my sister and she had no idea what mum had said !!! Its actually not for 4 days its for a few hours in between the night shift my BIL has. Apparently BIL is really looking forward to hevaing some quality time with his son and wishes he could have some time now with him but mum just takes charge !! they don't insist as they realise how much mum does for them and don't want her to feel they are throwing it back in her face !!
I feel so much better now I've spoken to her and said that I'll have DN for those few hours rather than put him in a nursery.
Thanks loads ladies xxxxxxxxx

OP posts:

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