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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend should have signed the card

59 replies

TwoLittlePontipines · 07/05/2010 16:27

Today I received an unexpected parcel in the post... not my birthday or any occasion, so it came completely out of the blue.
The trouble is, I was out at doctors appointment when it came, so DP opened it.

The card reads
"Hello Beauty, I'm not going to sign this as you should know who sent it...." blah blah blah..."think of you often xxx"

Yes, I know exactly who sent it, (a friend with a quirky personality!)
However, DP did not, and when I got in he was absolutely raging!

Reading it from his perspective, I agree completely, however, AIBU? Is he?

Is it unreasonable to think that my friend should not have sent a card like that to someone in a relationship. Should she just have signed it, and perhaps realised that sending something like that leads to all sorts of questions.

DP has no reason to think that I could possibly be seeing anyone else, but this card has suddenly put ideas in his head. (we have been together for about 5 years and have 2 small children)

What do I do???

OP posts:
Lotkinsgonecurly · 07/05/2010 16:54

What everyone else has said. If you'd opened that parcel yourself, you could've showed him what the present was and told dp what it was. It is COMPLETELY LOVELY of your friend to send you an unexpected gift, please thank her and do not consider being off with her.

Secondly make sure DP knows he was in the wrong to open your parcel !!

LittleWhiteWolf · 07/05/2010 16:55

If I received a parcel like that signed like that by one of my friends it wouldnt make an iota of difference to whether my DH trusted me or not.

For a start he trusts me.
Secondly he wouldnt open a parcel like that (we open each others post when its letters from the bank etc because everythings in both names anyway, but not an obvious gift!)
Thirdly he knows me and my friends and knows what kind of sense of humour we have and what silly names we call each other.

Your DH needs to get a grip and your friend has done nothing wrong.

5Foot5 · 07/05/2010 16:58

Your DH has absolutely no right to be opening your mail. I would be furious if anyone did this to me.

Read him the riot act.

misplaced · 07/05/2010 16:59

Your H is BU - he shouldn't have opened your post and he shouldn't be raging over it. IUn fact after your explanation he shouldn't even be "mildly irritated".

And BlingLoving is right - it's Sue's fault!

ScreaminEagle · 07/05/2010 17:00

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jenduff · 07/05/2010 17:05
  1. Your friend sent a gift - you should be grateful not cross with her
  1. Your DP opened your mail - you should be cross with him
  1. Your DP should trust you, not be cross with you for invading your privacy

My closest friend and I often text or mail each other hi beautiful / hey gorgeous etc

5DollarShake · 07/05/2010 17:11

You are being unreasonable, he is being (disconcertingly, worryingly) unreasonable - and as for what you should do .... um, how about calming down, taking a deep breath and having both you and your DH put it all in perspective...?

The only reason I can think of that this is so much more of a big deal for you than it would be for anyone else, is that your DH is a complete arse.

ScreaminEagle · 07/05/2010 17:26

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DuelingFanjo · 07/05/2010 17:28

Why did he open your post, did you ask him to?

sungirltan · 07/05/2010 17:39

dp is bvu! jeez. my bf and i write all sorts of slush to eachother and send surprise bouquets and everything now and then. dh or bf's dp for that matter have never raised an eyebrow and or ever checked the signatures to make sure they weren't from an OM!!

Oenopod · 07/05/2010 17:52

I agree - he shouldn't open your post, and he is being a complete idiot to keep on after the 'mystery' was explained.

But I'm loving the MN double standards... How many posts are there about DWs reading their DHs texts, emails, etc with 'justification' because they have suspicions...?

Maybe the OP has given her DH cause to be suspicious? What do we know? Would it be OK then? Because to go by the MN jury in the past that is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

cory · 07/05/2010 17:58

Well, Oenopod, even if the OPs dh had reasons to distrust her, it still seems very unfair to blame the friend for not being psychic about this: even if many people may feel that opening a spouse's mail can be justified under special circumstances, it is still not the norm in most relationships, so totally reasonable for friend to expect that a letter sent to her friend would be for her friend's eyes only.

Oenopod · 07/05/2010 18:04

I think the OP ItotallyBU about her friend not signing her name on the card - I was just commenting on the posts about not opening mail addressed to your partner, when in other circumstances it is excused (and justified) on MN....

I think everyone BUT the friend is BU!

Glitterandglue · 07/05/2010 18:23

It amazes me that people can be in relationships with people who are this jealous/ready to believe ill of their partner. I get texts/facebook messages/letters etc with that sort of message all the time, from more male friends than female, and any partner who thought it was wrong or wanted them to stop doing it would be out the door.

My relationships with my mates are my business, and if you can't trust me not to betray you, why the hell are you with me, y'know?

OP, your DP's nuts. What you do is entirely up to you but assuming you're not just going to tell him to get lost, I'd suggest printing this thread out and getting him to read other people's responses. Then he can see it's not just you who thinks he's overreacting.

Then again...you're saying you think reading it from his perspective you completely agree, so apparently you subscribe to the same sort of barking logic [someone has sent my partner a nice note and present and addressed them in a familiar term and not signed their name, therefore they must be a secret lover!]. In which case...I got nothing.

outnumbered2to1 · 07/05/2010 21:12

why was your DP opening your post? Hell bloody mend him them stupid fucker.... and tell him to wind his bloody neck in and stop acting like a controlling arse

Firawla · 07/05/2010 21:58

DH is BU not your friend!

Cloudbase · 07/05/2010 22:14

What is your DP like in other areas of your relationship?

Only asking becuase opening a parcel that is clearly addressed to you and then 'raging' at you when you come home becuase he doesn't like the contents, is really controlling behaviour and that's not a good thing in a relationship.

Is it a one off, or is this quite 'in character' for him?

Cloudbase · 07/05/2010 22:17

Sorry, forgotten how to spell 'because'

Original poster
TwoLittlePontipines · 08/05/2010 11:24

Thanks for your replies. I see now that yes, IABU.
DP opens my post as he feels that in a trusting and open relationship, there should be no secrets, which I agree with to a point, but I totally disagree with him opening my post. However, when this was discussed, it led to a huge argument along the lines of him saying that I must have something to hide etc etc, so I just let him get on with it (mostly its just bills anyway!) I am very pissed off that he opened it, but if I say this to him, he just twists it to imply that he is right to be suspicious, and that I am hiding something. So I can't win. classic catch 22!

I guess that over the past few years, I have adjusted my actions and reactions just to maintain a calm house and avoid arguments.
DP has some mental health issues which are causing problems (more so for me, as he doesn't see it). sometimes I just don't know what to do for the best.

I'm so glad now that I posted here for advice first. DP's request was for me to ring my freind and give her what for, for interfering and trying to cause trouble.

I guess he is in fact more controlling than I had realised.

OP posts:
ScreaminEagle · 08/05/2010 11:27

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AmazingBouncingFerret · 08/05/2010 11:32

"ring your friend and give her what for" ?? For sending you a gift in the post?? What a bloody awful friend you have there...

I think you need to give him what for and maybe a good dose of reality.

cornsilk · 08/05/2010 11:38

He shouldn't be opening your post.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 08/05/2010 11:45

Is it worth showing him this thread? Would he take it rationally or would it make him worse?
Good luck.

gtamom · 08/05/2010 11:55

He is very possessive and controlling to open your personal mail. If he doesn't trust you, he should leave. Tell him to get lost, you are not forcing him to stick around. Tell him to like it or lump it! Stand up for your rights!
I had been with someone just like that, finally I left him.
Where is his trust, that is so important to him? Do you not have a right to open your own mail? Does he open your birthday and Christmas presents too?

Pozzled · 08/05/2010 12:02

Can't believe he opened a personal parcel.
My DH and I will happily open any letters when we know what they are- e.g. bills and so on nearly always have the company logo on the envelope, and as bills are all shared we're fine with that.

But I would never open a letter if I didn't know what it was about, and I would certainly NEVER open a parcel- talk about spoiling the suprise.

He is being an idiot, firstly for opening your post and secondly for getting all het up about it.