To take control of DH exercise rountin and diet without giving him a choice

[strawberrycake]

My DH is naturally slim but doesn't exercise and eats poorly. He looks healthy, but I've been nagging talking to him for ages about the impact his habits will have on his health. He doesn't take it seriously. He's no slob, but he does nigh on zero exercise, more the bookworm type, and he snacks on high sugar snacks rather than meals if left to his own devices.

He had had back pain for years, and I keep pointing out that some exercise could help immensely. It doesn't have to be loads, just some to counteract the hunched over a desk position he's in most of the day. Before I was pregnant I tried to involve him in pilates with me as much as I could.

Now he's just come back from the GP where a blood test shows he has very high cholestrol. I was more upset than I let on, his dad had his first (of four) heart attack at only 40. DH is 35 and less active than FIL. It's probably a gentic thing as both are slim and otherwise healthy. The eatern european diet though they enjoy is rather high in fat.

I love my DH more than anything, when I married him for life I had a LONG life in mind! I want him healthy for me, and our children. Therefore my plans are:

-do ALL the shopping myself online, buying no high sat food and ingredient for healthy meals. I do this anyway, but I plan to now ignore requests for the high fat/ sugar snacks

-INSIST on execise, I plan to make him join in my moderate post-birth routine (unless obviously he starts one of his own)

-(maybe this one going too far?) my friend is the cook at work. Most his bad choices are made at lunch, despite there being good healthier options which he likes. I want to get her in on the act helping to modify his habits, sterring him towards more veg etc.

AIBU to put my foot down over this? Or his bod, his choice? It's done out of love and care for him. I dn't plan to be a food facist, but he has proved that despite saying he will change time and time again he just can't/won't do it under his own steam. I'm hoping after the intial difficulties it will become second nature to follow a better diet/ rountine. As a plus it's a better example to the children. I just want to show him all the tasty but healthy options there are.

I personally think it would be better to sit down and explain to him that your are worried and don't want to end up a widow.

I don't think you can force him to exercise and if you don't buy the snacks he wants he will probably just stop of at tesco and buy them anyway.

However I would make healthy dinners.

yabu - he's an adult and cna make his own decisions

I have done the sitting down and talking for years, he always agrees, yet seems to lack the drive to change. To my advantage he is damn lazy regarding any kind of housework/ meal planning so is likely to eat what is given. I could count on one hand the number of times he has been in a supermarket this year. ever alone either.

That's the problem, he doesn't so much make a decision-just trundles along with bad habits from youth/ student days. When asked what he wants to do he always wants the healhty option. Just doesn't act on it.

How did he react? I would imagine given family history the cholesterol result would come as a serious reality check.

FWIW I think YABU - he will only do it if he wants to. You can point out the implications for you and the DC, and only have healthy food in the house, but the rest is up to his conscience.

I don't think you can decide for him, and I also think that if you go on and on about it you might make him dig his heels in. It's a fine line between being concerned and being bullying and controlling.

It's not OTT to buy/cook healthier food, then if he wants to buy his own stuff then it's up to him, you could say it's because you want to have healthier food and don't want to be tempted.

As to him changing his mind, have you laid it on thick and told him you're worried about him pegging it and leaving you and your DC?

OP, was he worried about the high cholesterol result? That would usually be a bit of a wake-up call.
Agree with lynne...sit down and talk to him aboiut how worried you are.
You can do something about the food in your house, but you cannot make your DH exercise or control his food choices out of the house, that would probably be countertproductive!

Instead of buying 'healthy' snacks, you could try to buy snacks that have less calories in them.

I know that doesn't sound right, but my DH is almost allergic to anything that's marketed as 'lighter' or 'diet' as he thinks it'll taste shit even before he's tried it. But you can get normal stuff that isn't packed with colories so he wont feel as though he's on a diet, or the taste of things he's snacking on has been compromised.

what was his reaction to the test results? why did he need a cholesterol test in the 1st place? you can do your bit by not having unhealthy stuff in the house but you cannot control what he does when he's not at home. Dont turn into a nag about this or it is possible your strategy will backfire.

So yes YABU to want to control him.

the thing is agentzigzag that op states her dh is naturally slim - he doesn't need to diet but he needs to reduce his cholesterol and the amount of "bad fat" he eats. It is a myth that only overweight people suffer from heart disease due to poor diet.

OP - just read your post. Your DH sounds like my father in law - who died 4 years ago. He was slim, had physically active job (roofer) but a terrible diet (sugary snacks and high fatty foods to give him energy to get through the day) - and died at 59 of a heart attack one day. It was totally unexpected and the entire family was devastated - what your DH needs to do is work on lowering his cholesterol and think about if he wants to be around to see your kids grow up and to play with his grandkids. I know my FIL was so looking forward to seeing my DS1 grow up (he was only 2 months old when FIL died) and if he had known earlier that his diet would have meant that he wouldnt be around for that, I know he would have changed his ways to be around to see DS1 grow up.

My DH was in a similar position to yours a couple of years ago. Any man over the age of 40, certainly 45 should have a cholestral test, a Dr friend told me that making the appt for a husband/boyfriend should be something that women do as men just won't bother.

DH is slim, exercises a lot and eats very healthy. In fact he's awalys been a health food, vegetarian freak in my opinion. No junk food at all. He runs 12 miles most weekends and goes circuit training twice a week as well as one or 2 shorter runs.

His cholestral was high, can't remember exact figures. Turns out his mum and aunt both have very high levels. His dad dies of cancer in his 50s but also had heart problems which weren't really investigated as he was terminally ill anyway.

I was shocked as was DH. GP recommended a diet change, now I've read that a diet change can only reduce your levels by 10%. The rest of it is heridiatory and there is nothing you can do. So I was sceptical, especially as DH's diet was already so healthy. I'd also been told by a dietician that all the Benecol spreads, etc don't help as you don't take enough of them to make a difference.

The one big difference DH made was to cut out cheese, as a vegetarian I guess he'd become quite reliant on cheese and it is high fat content. He never has any now. He has reduced his levels enough to avoid statins. Other things such as upping the amounts of nuts and avacados he eats may have helped.

Have you been given a diet sheet to tell you which foods are good for reducing cholestral as well as which ones to avoid? Has the GP discussed statins?

I don't think you can insist your DH does anything, just tell him how worried you are that he will die young like his dad unless he makes changes. He needs to want to do it himself.

Agent-my idea of healthy snacks are ones that I make so know what goes into them, as opposed to mass produced junk. I don't belive in buying 'diet' products and I don't think all fat is bad, I would rather for example rather dh and dc snacked on flapjacks I've made than packet cake which was 'light'. I'm not talking about a 'diet' in the sense of a lose weight idea, but simply making more informed and healthier choices for a long term hange of attitude towards food.

Jellie- He had it as part of rountine tests as he's been short of breath lately and went for a chest x-ray (clear thankfully). He admits now his state of unfitness may be something to do with the breathlessness.

He was rather shocked by the results, and as usual told me how he'll change and how he wants to. Maybe he simply doesn't know how? He was brought up on the typial 'fat is good' eatern european diet (we Ukrainians for example eat slicedpig fat as a snack, that advert a while ago was no joke!).

He wants to change, but I think it's a combination of laziness and not realising how many food optins there are out there. We both grew up on a potato for every meal diet and very bland choices. Typical day when MIL is cooking:

Breakfast: Fried sliced potato with tomato/ cucumber salad, poss leftover meat
Lunch: Fried potato dumplings and soup
Dinner: Mash and fried meat with creamy sauce
Snacks: Cheese and cream (hard to describe...) or cake
With drink in eve: Sallo (sliced fat)/ dried fish

Jellie- You're right, if anything a little MORE weight wouldn't hurt. It scares me as so many men in his family have had heart problems in their early forties. They are all slim.

In the above meal plan I forgot to mention the large amount of bread to bulk up meals/ snack on. Also don't be fooled by the soup, made with quite a lot of butter.

YANBU to worry. Or to tell him your concerns. But YABU to expect him to change anything about himself that he doesnt want to.

I have seen men who have been 'put on diets' before and they will only sneak food behind their partners back which I think is damaging for the relationship.

a good thing here is that your partner isnt agreeing and then sneaking off to do things behind your back!

What i would do is sit down with him and tell him this is the last time you will mention it. Tell him how concerned you are and why. Then tell him you will leave it with him to make the decision on what to do.

Then stand by your word and leave him to it.

Maybe once you stop nagging he'll do what is right anyway..?

My mum could ask my dad to empty the dishwasher 30 times and he would ignore her. As soon as she stopped asking, he would do it.

Just a thought.

Salo: to explain what it is en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salo_%28food%29

There's a lot of presumption here that he doesn't want to. He clearly states e does want to change. Plus I now plan to do the exact opposite of my previous talking/ nagging and just change everthing in this house without further discussion meaning he'll have to actively fight against it (e.g. go for meals out) to avoid the healthy stuff!

And just to stress again, I don't want to 'diet' him nor do I thin he's a slob/fat. I want to make him have better food choices and become more informed about what's in the processed junk he chews on. He didn't even know for example when I spoke to him a single food linked linked to higher cholestrol! It just doesn't sink in. I had to go online to prove that red meat very frequently ws not good, he was determined as protein and unprocessed it was healthy on a nightly basis.

I can't get my head round this. How old is he?

I have no idea what dp eats other than his evening meal...

I think the presumption that he doesn't want to comes from the fact that you have to 'nag' (I hate that word) him about changing. If he wanted to surely he would have by now.

Bottom line I feel is, Its great you care so much about him. Im sure he appreciates it. And I can understand why you are worried.

But he is not your child, or your responsibility. He is an adult with the ability to research if he is uneducated about healthy food.

No one likes being told what to do.

Obviously noone can relate to situation where you mean to do something but lack the willpower to get started. I always said I'd give up smoking before I met him, I wanted to, but it was easier to carry on. Did the reasearch but it didn't help with the cravings frankly. He pushed me into giving up and I don't resent him for it. I wanted to give up, but lacked the motivation. It's benefited me in the long run and the nagging/ removal of cigarettes from house din't break us. He cared about me and his intentions were good so I don't resent it at all. It would be a different matter though if I'd stated I wanted to smoke.

YANBU to worry but YABU to force anything like that on him. It sounds a bit control freak to me. Sorry

It really means that he hasn't made that choice yet, even though you've been giving him not so subtle pushes. If you decide to do something and then don't, then you haven't really decided to do it.

You forcing him to change is totally different to you helping him after he's made the choice to change how he sees food.

Firstly, I sympathise over the diet, my husband is Eastern European and I've only just stopped him to eat meat three times a day!

Having said that, there's providing healthy food when you are cooking, and there's bulling him and pressuring him, and even though it seems 'obvious' he should respond, he may not.

I would definitely change your cooking. Don't tell him about it, and don't explain why you are doing it. But you buy the food and you cook lots, so cook stuff that's good for everyone. And cut down on the fatty snacks, just buy one thing every now and again to make him seem not deprived. If he chooses to counteract that by running into Tescos and bulk-buying doughnuts, you can't stop him.

I would say that if he wants to join a gym or exercise, you will help him find the time/money. Say it in a neutral way, once, and leave it. He may fester for six months then take up cycling, he may not. Again, his choice.

Finally, early family histories of heart disease (under 55 for men, under 65 for women) are a real red flag. He could take statins for a start (I would if I had high cholesterol, despite all the stories of them being overprescribed). Diet may not be enough. Smoking is also a bad thing for heart disease and has a real measurable effect on risk, so if he's not smoking, so much the better.

You are right to be worried, but doing things like controlling his work diet will put you on the opposing side. Tell him you love him, don't want him to die, and ask him how to help. Cook healthily for everyone's sakes and get him to continue being monitored at the docs and to consider medication.

For all the controlling him/ treating him like a child comments...this is exactly what I'd like to avoid. If he follows the history of his father/ other male family members I'll be caring for him like a child in his final years whilst I'm still in my mid-thirties (his eight years older). He will lose far more independence and choice if he carries on on this path than he will through a bit of a diet change/ being dragged into moderate exercise regime a few times a week. As I said, if he does it on his own, fine, but he seems to need the push.

So others would watch him state he wants to change, but leave him to continue and watch his health decline? And what, say I told you so at the end? Or look, I was right, you should have done that research? This is someone who already has signs of ill health plus a signifcant family history of heart disease, not a case of a wife pushing her husband into weight watchers to change the look of him because she doesnt fancy him. I couldn't care if he gained loads of weight or his looks changed massively, nor do I want to control his life and his activities. When it comes to health though I see it has a family issue. His life to me is more important than a few potential sulks. Maybe he'll discover he likes the change ad stick with it, maybe he'll rebel and do it himself on his terms (good!) or maybe he flat out won't do it it. I feel though that it's important enough to make a stand on and push for this. It's not a I do't like him playing on his x-box situation how can I control it, it's his LIFE I'm worried about. Otherwise he has free reign to do as he pleases and I trust him completely.