To think that slapping a 9 yr old in the face is wrong?

[TheChicOfIt]

I don't really want to go into too much detail and air someone elses dirty laundry, but would it be acceptable for a mother to slap a 9 yr old girl in the face?
Personally I'd like to think that there is no possible reason for this - though I know that the child in question can be very very rude/trying.
AIBU to think this is overstepping the mark?

OMG, your MIL slapped a 3 yr old!!??? I would be livid .

I was "known to lie and exaggerate" though. My parents were respectable, which is why nobody but my best friend's dad believed me when I kept telling people how hard, how often and how unfairly I got slapped.

the thing is, a child who is 'known to lie and exaggerate' is usually guilty of lying an exaggerating because nobody has believed her when she has told the truth, or nobody has reacted.

I was furious with people for not taking any notice. Didn't they understand that when I say "Mum kept smakcing me" that I didn't mean "Mum smacked me twice, once for naughtiness and again for lying about it"? I meant "Mum held me down on the sofa and slapped my bare legs until she hurt her own hand, and she's done it 4 times this week!"

So I took to exaggerating and saying my parents beat me really badly. They didn't but they did hit me much harder and more often than they should have done. I shot myself in the foot because of course, everyone thought I was a liar and totally untrustworthy, and that my parents must be saints to put up with me. But it's hard to form a cogent argument against your parets' saintliness when you'#re nine.

Oh, I could write a book on my relationship with MIL and so could BIL's wife! The more I have gotten to know her the more I realised she has some sort of personality disorder but she never, ever admits to having been in the wrong.

chipmonkey - sounds exactly like DSD's mum. Poor you - it must be exhausting for you having to deal with a person like that, especially when it is your DS' grandmother. What does your DH make of it all?

Hitting a child on the head is potentially dangerous as well as just wrong. I'm glad so many people on here have happy memories of being slapped on the face by their mothers, but these days most of us take a pretty dim view and think it's abusive.

I used to get slapped in the face a few times in a row and it's a fucking disgrace for an adult to do that to a defenceless child and it bloody stings

no adult should be slapping a child across the face. i smacked my son when he was younger, but slapping someone across the face is a violation, its just horrific to watch.

difficult one. Slapping around the face is wrond IMO although a gentle smack as many have said on the hand or bottom can bring children back to reality when they've gone too far. I DON'T smack because I choose not too but I know DS has had one off one of my parents. They told me he had but not who!

I would say if you are genuinly very concerned that the mother isn't coping has anger issues then DH and yourself need to take action as you yourselves have a duty of care to DSD.

However I would add that you need to be careful as I once steered my DS out of the front door to go out for the day with friend and her DC's and had a packpack on. It slipped off my shoulder and banged him on the head. He told friends DC's when we met them I'd hit him round the head 'with that heavy bag!' The reaction was great so the story get better!!! (he is only 5). Luckily I managed to explain to him what he was saying (while my mate wet herself in the background!) and he didn't carry on the story.

BUT it shows how easy it is for children to react to a reaction IYSWIM.

I am not condoning slapping a child around the face just showing that perhaps with you and dh as a captive audience she may be rewritting the script slightly.

By BritFish Sat 08-May-10 18:13:32
no adult should be slapping a child across the face. i smacked my son when he was younger, but slapping someone across the face is a violation, its just horrific to watch.

So a violent assault to the body is ok, but a violent assault to the face, is not??

I've given my DS a light smack on the bum to get his attention at times. He looks at me in shock, I laughingly say "how 'bout you stop that right now", he does, and everything's fine. But I would never ever smack him in a way to cause him pain, and I would certainly never smack him in the face!

I remember my mother doing this to me when I was about your DSD's age, and I remember it in minute detail. It sticks with you; it's very painful and humuiliating.

Er, humiliating even.

Its ok. We know you Yanks can't spell.

At least we don't feel the need to throw in unnecessary u's willy-nilly and we have the sense to only have one sort of practice.

No, in reality I just haven't had my coffee yet. I used to be a very good speller, and then it all went to hell when I was pregnant. I kept waiting for "baby brain" to go away...so far it's been three years and no sign of my previous intelligence yet!

tuarag, i was trying to get across the feeling a slap in the face gives across. if i see violence on film and tv, i recoil at a slap, yet can sit through bullets and punches. sorry, probably didnt make that clear. no violence is good, obviously.

if you are implying that i violently assaulted my son however, im perfectly happy to explain why i had to lightly smack my son to you.

Slapping a 9 year old anywhere is not on.

I just don't know what we should do.
DSD has told her mum that I said it is wrong and now DH and I have had a tirade of abuse telling us that she didn't do it hard, that I have made their situation worse by telling her it's wrong, that we are interfering, we are awful awful people, too precious as parents and that we owe her and DSD an apology!
I'm livid as I in no way did anything except try to comfort a little girl who was very upset.

Tell your DD to call childline and get some impartial advice from them, then she can tell her mum that it wasn't you who said it.
Seriously, she is fighting back out of guilt most likely and needs to know it is not on.

Not sure. I don't hit the kids. But, much like Claw I told Mum to fuck off once when I was 14/15 and got a clip for it. Made a lasting impression. I never did it again.

Just like to add, I love my mum; she's fabulous and I don't care that she gave me a slap as I was an obnoxious little shit.

Sorry, ignore me, had not read most recent stuff till I posted.

it happened to me when I was about 11 and i have never forgotten it and find it very hard to forgive.

it also made me realise how entirely unboundaried and un-parentlike my parent could be. which did nothing for my respect levels.

Hitting a 9 year old often (even if slapping her face is only occasional) and the verbal abuse would leave me very concerned for the child's welfare tbh.

I think we're agreed that it's wrong. But what should OP do? That's the difficult question, isn't it? There are two ends of the spectrum. First, the mum is unstable and horrid, and the DD is really upset and needs rescuing.

Second, the mum feels guilty about it, hence her reaction. OP also said she had been going to anger management classes. The DD might also be playing the parents off against each other to make the situation sound worse than it is.

Perhaps the OP is not in the best position to know which scenario is the case. Perhaps VVCAM's suggestion of Childline might be the best. Or talking (discreetly) to the mother's OH - OP, didn't you say he was nice and calm?

It would be awful to think that DSD is having an awful childhood, and OP is not able to help. But children - even 8yo - can be quite "misleading", I guess.

Well, I'm no help!

Talking to the mother's OH is not really an option - yes he seems lovely, but I'm sure he would tell her if DH tried to talk to him, and I don't like the idea of asking anyone to lie to or hide things from their partner, whatever the situation.

DH spoke to her husband a few times, about 2-3 years ago, to try to find out what things were like there as he was worried about DSD - she found out and went spare - called DH all sorts of names.

Only on Friday she was still going on about it - she says that DH destroyed her marriage by speaking to her husband.

I don't think DSD is having an awful childhood, but I do think that there are definitely serious problems which need to be sorted out.

As a little girl she was very spoilt - I think everyone felt sorry for her because her parents had split up, so no-one ever said "no" to her. Now that she is older, she can't understand why she can't have everything that she wants.

Very frustrating for me as I can see it all going on, yet I'm not in a position to do anything constructive.

I will speak with DH but in the meantime any thoughts on what to do next are appreciated .

By the way in case you are confused, her husband is now her ex-h not the man she is with now !