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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that slapping a 9 yr old in the face is wrong?

75 replies

TheChicOfIt · 06/05/2010 20:42

I don't really want to go into too much detail and air someone elses dirty laundry, but would it be acceptable for a mother to slap a 9 yr old girl in the face?
Personally I'd like to think that there is no possible reason for this - though I know that the child in question can be very very rude/trying.
AIBU to think this is overstepping the mark?

OP posts:
zazen · 07/05/2010 09:29

You know you can always clap you hands loudly, or click your fingers to shock them into stopping the bad behaviour behaviour - you don't need to strike them to pull them up.

I don't believe in punishment, or humiliation, I favour discipline, and sometimes we need to stop a behaviour spiral to start to have a discussion. Hence the clapping to affect a pause in the undesirable behaviour. And then the rational discussion and negotiation. Unless you need to have a rage dance first!

I know in France they slap on the face more often... I think it's wrong, no matter where it's done- it's assault, and designed to humiliate.

Maybe tell your DSD this? That others think it's wrong behaviour from her Bio-Mum. Also ask her what she wants a bit more and listen to her. if her Bio-Mum isn't up to much it's pretty clear to me how very important you are going to be in her life

This book may be useful for you? 9 ways to get the best out of you and your children by Maggie Reigh. It's a lovely book and helps with all kinds of relationships also. Well worth a look.
Good luck.

Cretaceous · 07/05/2010 09:36

I don't agree that you should tell your DSD that people think it's wrong behaviour, as it could lead to your husband and his ex "singing from a different hymn sheet", and lead to more problems. It'd be better for your OH to speak to his ex about it. If she's stressed, she might need help. It'd be better that she told her dd that her behaviour was wrong, rather than setting up more conflict between the ex and her dd.

Also, dd might not be entirely truthful about future events, if she thinks it's to her advantage.

elven99 · 07/05/2010 09:45

I think it is wrong to smack a child however I can't judge as I lost my temper and smacked my 9yo sister the other day.

She took my sleeping baby out of the cot and put her on the bed while I was going to the toilet my baby fell of the bed (which is high) and really hurt. But what really made me lose it was my ds 4 was stood behind her saying I told you it was naughty to put her on the bed and I asked my sister who put the baby on the bed and she said my ds did who can't even lift my baby so I asked again after pointing out that ds could not lift her up and she lied again. I lost my temper I slapped her on the arm and then spent two hours apologizing.

I know I was wrong I have always had a bad temper and struggled most of my life to control it it is nice that so many of you have such good control of your temper that you can't even imagine smacking a child. I feel like shit I havn't lost my temper in years I apologized profoundly and I immediately phoned my mum to confess.

She said it was ok because she knows liying is something I hate and my sister will cry that she didn't even if you saw her do it.
She also said she knows how guilty I would be feeling.

Come flame me and make me feel better please.

Original poster
TheChicOfIt · 07/05/2010 09:45

Thanks zazen, that's really interesting.
I did actually speak to DSD about it and said to her that I felt it was wrong, but she went back to her mum and told her, and of course I then get a tirade of abuse, that I shouldn't have said that, that she can't exercise discipline anymore, that I am too precious as a mother, etc,etc. It has wound me right up to be honest, as I was only listening and looking out for a little girl who clearly has a lot of problems.
I do admit that I probably shouldn't have said that, as it's not my place to say what discipline a mother decides is right for her daughter, however in the heat of the moment I guess I was just trying to let a little girl know that that kind of behaviour is not really "acceptable".

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChicOfIt · 07/05/2010 09:50

elven99 - for me it is more the "slapping across the face" thing that is an issue.

I completely and totally understand why someone would smack their child on the bottom for example, though I wouldn't do it myself. I was smacked very occasionally as a child, and I don't feel it had any lasting effect on me. But I think if my mum had ever slapped me in the face then I'd probably still remember it to this day.

OP posts:
Cretaceous · 07/05/2010 09:56

elven99, you were sorry and won't do it again. Hopefully, your sister was sorry and also won't do it again. After all, we're human, and you both learnt from it.

TheChicOfIt, perhaps the mum was so cross because she felt so guilty (hopefully!). Personally, I would have explained to DSD that perhaps her mum was stressed, and talk about what prompted her mum to act like that. If it was because dd was acting badly, perhaps discuss how she could behave more kindly towards her mum. Then get OH to talk to the mum about her dreadful behaviour, and how she could behave better towards dd.

(On the other hand, if the mum always beats up her dd, it's no wonder the dd has problems. And ignore my wishywashy approach. I just can't believe that she would do it frequently.)

ZZZenAgain · 07/05/2010 10:05

slapping someone in the face is an insult, it's never anything other than an attempt to lower the dignity of that person - child or adult

ZZZenAgain · 07/05/2010 10:07

how would it feel if a child slapped you hard in the face becaue they didn't like something you said or did?

grapeandlemon · 07/05/2010 10:12

My Mother did this to me many times. It was the humiliation that I remember to this day, not the pain from the slap.

I have never forgiven her.

claw3 · 07/05/2010 10:46

My mum never hit me as a child, but she did slap me across the face once.

I was a teenager, standing outside my house with a group of friends and my mum came out and told me it was time to go in and i told her to 'fuck off'. A knee jerk reaction on my mum's part.

Its had no lasting effects on me, I was a cocky little cow and it took me down a peg or two.

Now i cant believe that i spoke like that to my mum, not that she slapped me.

Original poster
TheChicOfIt · 07/05/2010 11:09

Well obviously I don't know exactly what has been going on, but I have heard from both DSD and her mum that they argue all the time - I think it's pretty much every day.
DSD's account of it is that her mum hits her all the time, though only twice on the face.
DSD's mum's version has ranged from: she has hit her twice on the face/it amounts to about one year of her nine years/it has happened once a year if that .
I have heard the mother on the phone hysterically crying and screaming - not sure if directed at DSD or just general meltdown.
So I'm not really sure what to believe, but all I know is that there has been a lot of arguing and verbal abuse on a daily basis.
It is not just a recent thing - mother has been like this since I met DH 6 years ago.

OP posts:
LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 07/05/2010 11:09

I was slapped twice in the face by mum. Once at age 8 for punching my sister in the back. Another aged 16 for calling my sister a c*&t (No idea why I said it I hate the word). Deserved both. Remembered for years after. Was more of a shock that she hit me and it surely brought me back into line.

claw3 · 07/05/2010 11:15

Thechicofit, so what does your dh plan to do about the verbal and physical abuse?

Why doesnt he ask if dsd could come and stay with you for a while, give mum a break?

Original poster
TheChicOfIt · 07/05/2010 11:23

claw3 - DSD's mother is impossible to talk to and reason with. I spent all day yesterday explaining and apologising for telling DSD that the slap was wrong, and all I got back was you were wrong, you've made this harder for me, how dare you, you are the problem, you are too precious as a mother, etc. DH and I can only text her, as if you try to have a phone conversation, she never listens - just talks and talks, talks over you, never sees that she may be wrong. Also gets hysterical. Even when things are fine and calm and civil, she talks the hind legs off a donkey.
DH always says they need to sit down and discuss things together so they can put up a united front, but she refuses and then just says "This is the end of the matter, my phone is off, you are not to mention this again".
It is so exhausting and infuriating for all of us.
She would never agree to DSD coming to stay with us - she already thinks we are trying to take her away from her (we are not and never would).
Also, we are too far away from her school for her to travel there.
Feel so sorry for DH, but I think he had so many years of this behaviour that he has pretty much accepted it as the norm .

OP posts:
claw3 · 07/05/2010 11:32

Thechic, i can appreciate how difficult it must be for you and your dh and definitely how difficult ex's can be. This must also be very hard for your dsd too and if its as bad as you say your dh cant just sit back and watch, it HAS to be sorted.

When i say that i am putting myself in the position 'what would i do if it were one of my kids'

How about an appointment for family mediation, so someone can literally referee?

Cretaceous · 07/05/2010 11:34

What a difficult situation. I can understand why she would think you made it harder for her, though, even though that wasn't your intention. And you don't know what dd has said to her, either. Perhaps she needs help from an impartial source. Is she so hysterical with everyone?

Original poster
TheChicOfIt · 07/05/2010 11:40

Thanks claw3, I know, I feel so sorry for DSD sometimes. She can be a right little princess sometimes, goes in a strop when she can't have her own way, cries over really stupid things, etc.
But I always say to DH, why is she like that? They moved away from the area a few years ago with the mother's boyfriend, who DSD doesn't like (although he is a lovely, lovely calm mannered man who we thought would be an excellent calmer for the mother) - I think she dislikes him because he takes her mother's attention away from her. I said to her to ask mummy if you can spend some girlie time with her, but she said she has asked and her mum said "stop attention seeking".
I know she also feels jealous of the fact that DH and I have a 21 month old son together, but when she is here she is happy and plays with him, she always says it is a nice family atmosphere and wishes I was her mum (which I never encourage btw).
I will suggest to DH about the mediation, but I think he might have suggested before and just got it thrown back in his face .

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChicOfIt · 07/05/2010 11:46

As far as I know, yes she gets like it with everyone - have heard reports from DSD that she has been like it with her mother, sister, husband and boyfriend. Reports from mutual friends that she has been like it on holidays, whilst out shopping etc. DH's mum and dad have had her calling them up screaming and shouting. When I met DH, she would call up the house and shout down the phone at me, telling me to keep my hands off her daughter. This went on for about 3 years before she actually met me and then realised I was ok . It was fine for a while but she seems to be finding a lot of excuses to have a go at me recently.
I think DH said that she went for anger management counselling once, but I don't know if she gave up or it just didn't help.
She can be nice sometimes, but she does just seem to "flip" at the drop of a hat.

OP posts:
notnickgriffinschick · 07/05/2010 11:49

My mum used to often slap me in the face its the humiliation that stays with you even as an adult .

Cretaceous · 07/05/2010 11:50

My dd is 8, and behaves exactly the same way - she can be moody, horrid, have a fit of the vapours etc. (Obviously, I've never slapped her!) In my experience, lots of 8yo girls are exactly like that, however they are brought up.

She's bound to say she wishes you were her mum to you, and no doubt she says that to her mum when she wants her own way. No wonder her mum thinks you want to take her away. Girls are great at manipulation... I know, I was a master!

I think that's a different issue from a slap on the face, and the anger management issues, though.

giveitago · 07/05/2010 11:58

YANBU flapping in the face???????

claw3 · 07/05/2010 13:01

Is that how fish discipline their children?

chipmonkey · 07/05/2010 13:25

MIL slapped ds1 on the face once when he was 3. I was so upset! Dh actually drove me away in the car to tell me she had done it as he knew how upset I would be. The worst of it was that ds1 had told me that she did it, I had said "Don't be silly, Nana wouldn't do a thing like that!" in her hearing and she said nothing, just let me think he was lying.

notnickgriffinschick · 07/05/2010 14:56

Claw yip lol a flap in the face never hurt anyone in the sea .....

LouMacca · 07/05/2010 14:58

chipmonkey - OMG I would be absolutely fuming if my inlaws smacked my DCs! How is your relationship with your MIL after that?