To feel cross about how I was fed growing up?

[electiondayisherewoo]

I really need some perspective on this as it has been playing on my mind a-lot recently!
For many of my childhood and teen years, I was basically brought up on ready meals, processed food and junk food. Between my parents and my child minders, most of my childhood food memories are of chicken nuggets, oven chips etc. I was overweight by the time I was 5 years old (although my family never understood this as apparently I was only ever having ?the same as all my friends? ) and have ended up where I am today at a 21 stone ( I know it?s awful) and a terrible relationship with food. It?s always been my friend, a reward, a comfort etc.
Basically, I don?t know how to cook very much. Bakes cakes? Oh yes!! Cook anything healthy? No! I am almost clueless about it all (embarrassingly so). I know hardly any recipes and have crap in the kitchen. Would rather just bung some chips in the oven as this is what has always been normal to me. I don?t want to be like this anymore, not for me and defiantly not for my children. ( I had always vowed they will never be overweight as them being fat would make me feel a total failure as a mother).
I think about being fat, literally ALL of the time. Everywhere I go, everything I do I feel so fat and conscious ? it?s taking over my life. I think I also have an unhealthy relationship with bodies and being fat in general. My mum has always been obsessed with body shape and diets. As a child, whenever we were out / watching tv, my mum would say ?Am I as fat as her?? etc. ( She isn?t fat btw!).

My relationship with food is terrible, my self-esteem is rock bottom ( I won?t go to supermarkets etc during ?regular hours? as fear I will be judged etc, will not go in the gym without a friend and am staying in the house more and more for fear of being judged).

Not exactly sure why I am posting but just wanted to know if AIBU to blame my family ( a little) for how I have ended up at 21 stone. Yes I know I am an adult know and need to change, but have been brought up basically on crap and feel maybe I would never have been fat had I had a healthy diet as a child etc. My parents are wonderful and I hope I don?t across like they are bad because they are not and I love them dearly.

I know I need to change, and I need to change NOW. There can be no waiting, things have got too bad. And I know I need to change for ME. ( My mum is always telling me I need to loose weight) and I KNOW I do but part of me would love to say to her ?If you hadn?t fed me all that crap all those years, maybe I wouldn?t be like this?.

Sorry for the long post and moaning, I know it?s not up to them now , it?s up to me. I just feel annoyed that I was allowed to get fat by the time I was 5 and pile on the weight all through my childhood and teens. AIBU to feel cross about how I was fed growing up? Feel free to tell me I am, I just needed to get it all out as I could never talk to my parents about it ( it would only upset them).

I have totally been where you have, my Mum used to serve us all kinds of crap for dinner growing up, and we always had massive portions that we HAD to finish. I used to karate and my meal for before was... a giant pork pie. Yes, quite.

Anyway, I grew up with a somewhat warped view of food and portion sizes and consequently I used to eat all the time, happy, sad, working, bored, etc and I tipped the scales at 20st 7.5lbs.
This was 2 years ago, I lost a stone and a half on Slimming World, put most of it back on and then shuffled into Weight Watchers weighing 19st 8.5lb. I had 103.5lb to get to goal weight, I went up to 20st 1lb the first week and have since lost nearly 90lbs in just over a year. The last stone is proving troublesome but its to be expected.

I agree that the foundations that your relationship with food are based on do not help, but you and only you, are in control of what goes into your mouth. You can do it, you just need to take the first step.

FWIW I hate the gym, I do walk everywhere though which is about 8/10 miles a day - when I was a size 28, I found walking to the bus stop a struggle.

Weight Watchers saved my life, I whole heartedly believe that [smaile]

I meant duh.

Also, 5 years ago, I was an appalling cook. I've since liked to think I am rather good and now enjoy stream lining recipes I find in mags/books etc so I can enjoy them. Its trial and error and if I can do it, anyone can, trust me! x

Thoroughly recommend Jamie Oliver's Ministry of Food cookbook - really down to earth, normal, tasty food.

I had a similar sounding upbringing to yours. My dad was rarely home and my mum worked night shifts as a nurse, so convenience food (chicken kievs, supernoodles, turkey drummers, nuggets, oven chips, burgers, etc) formed quite a large part of my diet growing up - and there was always crisps and treats in the house, to which I helped myself amply. Mum tended to use food as a way of showing affection (especially sugary/chocolatey treats) and we were always expected to clear our plates at dinner time.

I wasn't taught how to cook either - I taught myself when I became a vegetarian at university and realised I'd never eat a decent meal again if I didn't learn how to cook one for myself.

I am not overweight and never have been (apart from a chunky few months after my after my daughter was born). I think you need to stop blaming your parents for your current situation - especially that you don't cook for your kids, there's nothing stopping you teaching yourself, that's exactly what most adults I know have had to do. You've identified that some of your attitudes to food are unhealthy ones, so work on changing them rather than focusing on things your parents did that you would now do differently given the chance. You have the chance, so use it.

Hey OP.
I came on this thread specifically to recommend Jamie Oliver's Ministry of Food and saw that Goldenticket had beaten me to it

I agree with everyone who has said you absolutely have to learn to cook. Processed food has so much hidden crap in it, if you are cooking for yourself you are much more in control.
You wouldn't believe how easy it is to do basic things - you will wonder how you ever thought you couldn't !

good luck

I know exactly what you mean OP. I blame my mother, and her two sisters for my self esteem issues and the fact that I started putting on weight in my early teens. I wasn't fed junk but everything to them was/is wrapped up in how you look and they started to criticise me at around 9/10, always out loud and often in public. My life became hellish from then on. I look back on photos of that time and I was a completely normal child. One aunt used to ask the waiter in restaurants why 'you always give fat people like her the big portions?'.

I blame them for starting it, but the responsibility for me being a size 22 at age 38 is completely mine, they just got the ball rolling. And I could have written the bit about thinking about being fat every second of every day and it affecting everything you do. It's my waking thought, my sleeping thought and all the bits in between.

It is good you have the self awareness to reflect on how you have become what you have become. Use that self awareness to make change. You can do it. Your life story is not mapped out according to your childhood.

Start by 'forgiving' your parents for doing what they did, they didnt know any better.

you know better, so do better

YANBU but time to do something about it. Do you want to get to old age and resent yourself for not changing the way you eat?

I have a crappy attitude to food. In my family when I was growing up, food was used as a Band Aid forlots of things. Fallen over? Have a lolly. Mum and dad had a fight but just made up? Let's go get a takeaway to celebrate. Been dumped by your boyfriend? here's a huuuuuge slab of Dairy Milk. So, I eat when I'm happy and when I'm sad so can't win

I've joined WeightWatchers and am doing well, i;ve lost 2 stone since last July but I'll always love food. I've just learned to manage it. Don't be TOO cross with your parents. attitudes were different back then. I still battle with my mum and the way she is constantly giving DS cakes/sweets/anything bad just for the simple reason that he's cute. She thinks I'm being mean. i couldn't care less. No way is he having the weight problems I had...

Learning to love catering - the whole thing, including learning about nutrition, about seasonal food, about cooking to optimise your health etc etc etc - is a really useful life skill, and one that is open to everyone - there is masses of information available and lots of opportunity to practise.

of course there are plenty of people out there who are the opposite - brought up on 'proper' food but still eat junk. We do choose what we do as adults, just like we choose whether to smoke, do exercise etc.

I agree, sethstaraddersmum - some people, despite their parents' skill and best intentions, fail to learn the lessons of their childhood!

To the OP just to echo what others have said, taking a compassionate mind approach it's ok to feel angry and not gulity about being angry (validation of emotion) but as an adult it's your responsibility to make something positive out of that anger and make some changes.

It's about more than just weight though it's about self-esteem, self worth and your whole relationship with food. There's a type of CBT known as "compassionate mind" CBT which deals with just this type of thing and may be really helpful for you alongside weight watchers. Type "BABCP" into google to find a therapist.

FWIW I'm not overweight but I had a Mum a bit like yours, obsessed with weight, dieting and appearance. Every photo she looks at she exclaims how ugly and fat she is (she isn't) and has done this all my life. I have become completely preoccupied with how I look as an adult and hate my appearance esp since having dcs. I know it's non sensical and goes beyond the relams of normal vanity. My sister is even more adversely affected I would say it's taken over her life. she was in near hysterics over some (nice) photos that were put up of her on facebook recently. I'm v careful around dd not to mention weight or appearance as I don't want her to be the same.

best of luck

That was not an easy start for you then, foodwise!

However, if you keep looking back, and finding that OTHERS are responsible for you being overweight, then you will never change, will you? After all, you are not to blame.....or are you?

Time to make a fresh start. Seize power, and control over your own life and body.

When you think: I don´t want to live like this, then don´t.

Time for change for you?

Good luick, it´s hard, but it is hard for everyone. Lots of my friends are slim and it is hard work in terms of always choosing the healthy option (ie a biscuit or an apple? choose the apple), no puddings, regular working out or walking or both. There are no quick fixes, diets mess with your metabolism.

Being slim requires life long small sensible choices. It seems easier to make one BIG decision as in: Go on a diet. But really, it is 100 small decisions every day (stairs or lift? Sugar in my tea or not? have desert or fruit? Wine or herbal tea? Watching telly or going for a walk? MNing or gardening? It all adds up)

It is strange that such a diet has made the OP fat but not her mother. Didn't your parents eat the same food as you, OP?

Yes, your parents didn't give you the best dietary start in life but you can read up about food, learn to cook and improve your diet.

Basically you need to get the balance right with a diet high in veg and wholegrains, with a little protein and fat. And plenty of water. Also did you know there is an addictive quality to foods with refined sugar and/or monosodium glutamate?

Also we are fatter now than generations ago even though we may consume the same number of calories, because we take less exercise due to sitting in cars, at computers, in front of tv and having labour saving devices in the home.

Hi. YAB a bit U.
Lots of things happen to us in our childhood and at that point, we have no control over the situation.
While you were young, there was not the same emphasis on healthy eating as there is today.
Yyou are NOT that child anymore and have to take responsibility for yourself and how you live your life.
If you are not happy with your weight,change it-though I do acknowledge it is easier said than done.
As others have said, invest in a few simple cookbooks.
You self-esteem seems low-are you depressed?
Maybe have a chat with the GP who could advise on loosing weight. Good Lucl.

"My mum has always been obsessed with body shape and diets. As a child, whenever we were out / watching tv, my mum would say ?Am I as fat as her?? etc. ( She isn?t fat btw!)."

My mum is the same and it makes me feel really sad whenever she says something like that.

I was a child in the 80s, where we had school swimming lessons and tucked into crisps in class afterwards. I never ate pesto, avocado, bolognese sauce made with tomatoes, or many other veg other than broccoli, carrots or cauliflower until I left home, and my mum buys frozen roast potatoes and mash (she was horrified when I 'bothered' to make roasts myself when she visited). I think it was pretty common when I was growing up, and I had friends who were terrified of 'foreign food', including pizza. Nobody thought of going to McDonalds or eating processed food as a bad thing. At the same time, my mother made sure I had cod liver oil each day and even at times when we were pretty broke tried to get me eating proper meals.

I eat pretty differently to my parents now, because I've tried different things and learned what I like, and realised that I do like veg and 'healthy' things too. My dad had an appalling diet - he fried everything, and cooked in ghee, and would regularly use expired food, to the point where I dreaded when he was doing the cooking - and I don;t want to have six heart bypasses either. I think you need something that will help you get a better relationship with food and start to change the now.

I think it is a PITA to have learned such bad food choices. It's very easy to slip back into 'default'. I have lost the same 3 stone about 7 times as an adult and know everything there is to know about healthy eating but I can very easily slip into bad eating if there is anything else to preoccupy my mind. I also tend to neglect my hygiene if stressed as this was something I also had to learn as an adult.. I am particularly neglectful of my teeth.

You have to fight the fight though. Cognitive behavioural therapy can help you work out all the beliefs that underpin your behaviour. At 21 stone, you need to make this about YOU.. and part of that might include being p'd off with your parents.

I would also like to agree with those who said all parents do not do what they think is best for their child.. sometimes they're just lazy, indifferent, young, ignorant etc.

YANBU to feel angry about it and I really felt for you when I read this post. You say you want to do things differently with your kids, so try and turn this anger into motivation to change, because I think focussing on the past won't really help you in the end, although I understand why you feel cross and frustrated about your childhood.

Good luck!

Rubbish YABU, and until you take some responsibilty for yourself as an adult then things will never change!
Is your mother still cooking and feeding you no?? well then you have a choice to change rather than sitting around blaming someone else!

FWIW I am fat with an unhealthy attitude to food, do I blame my parents, do I hell, its down to me!

My brother and I both grew up in a dysfunctional abusive family, I grew up took responsibility for myself and made a good life for myself, he at 36 still blamed our parents for every single thing that goes wrong in his life!

Your life, your choice!