To feel cross about how I was fed growing up?

[electiondayisherewoo]

I really need some perspective on this as it has been playing on my mind a-lot recently!
For many of my childhood and teen years, I was basically brought up on ready meals, processed food and junk food. Between my parents and my child minders, most of my childhood food memories are of chicken nuggets, oven chips etc. I was overweight by the time I was 5 years old (although my family never understood this as apparently I was only ever having ?the same as all my friends? ) and have ended up where I am today at a 21 stone ( I know it?s awful) and a terrible relationship with food. It?s always been my friend, a reward, a comfort etc.
Basically, I don?t know how to cook very much. Bakes cakes? Oh yes!! Cook anything healthy? No! I am almost clueless about it all (embarrassingly so). I know hardly any recipes and have crap in the kitchen. Would rather just bung some chips in the oven as this is what has always been normal to me. I don?t want to be like this anymore, not for me and defiantly not for my children. ( I had always vowed they will never be overweight as them being fat would make me feel a total failure as a mother).
I think about being fat, literally ALL of the time. Everywhere I go, everything I do I feel so fat and conscious ? it?s taking over my life. I think I also have an unhealthy relationship with bodies and being fat in general. My mum has always been obsessed with body shape and diets. As a child, whenever we were out / watching tv, my mum would say ?Am I as fat as her?? etc. ( She isn?t fat btw!).

My relationship with food is terrible, my self-esteem is rock bottom ( I won?t go to supermarkets etc during ?regular hours? as fear I will be judged etc, will not go in the gym without a friend and am staying in the house more and more for fear of being judged).

Not exactly sure why I am posting but just wanted to know if AIBU to blame my family ( a little) for how I have ended up at 21 stone. Yes I know I am an adult know and need to change, but have been brought up basically on crap and feel maybe I would never have been fat had I had a healthy diet as a child etc. My parents are wonderful and I hope I don?t across like they are bad because they are not and I love them dearly.

I know I need to change, and I need to change NOW. There can be no waiting, things have got too bad. And I know I need to change for ME. ( My mum is always telling me I need to loose weight) and I KNOW I do but part of me would love to say to her ?If you hadn?t fed me all that crap all those years, maybe I wouldn?t be like this?.

Sorry for the long post and moaning, I know it?s not up to them now , it?s up to me. I just feel annoyed that I was allowed to get fat by the time I was 5 and pile on the weight all through my childhood and teens. AIBU to feel cross about how I was fed growing up? Feel free to tell me I am, I just needed to get it all out as I could never talk to my parents about it ( it would only upset them).

My parents fed me a fantastic diet in many way. Loads of home-grown veg and fruit, home-cooked meals, home-baked cakes/bread, no convenience foods. But plenty of saturated fats and sugar. I think I have an unhealthy appetite for those things now. But I deal with it.

They did what they thought was best - and in many ways it was according to their times. They were brought up in the war when food was in short supply - making sure your children had enough food of any kind was the most important thing. I wouldn't dream of blaming them for my eating habits now.

We know so much more now. Child nutrition is a huge area of interest for everyone. No-one can honestly say the know nothing about it. In the past parents were just told what childre should eat not what they shouldn't. We have a different problem now.

YANBU, but you have to draw a line under it and take charge. Today is the first day of the rest of your life-don't get bitter. Join a club-I like Rosemary Conley-get support and positive people around you. Tkae exercise-start with brisk walking. You can do it.

YANBU and I do feel for you. I imagine your parents didn't understand that feeding you processed food would affect the way you understand food. They probably did think you were being well fed.

I had the complete opposite as a child. My mum cooked everything from scratch for all of us (dad & 4 kids and she worked full-time from when I was 8! - even she doesn't know how she did it now). I remember loving going to friends for tea so I could have fishfingers, chips and beans (exotic after all the homemade curries, pasta dishes etc I was used to). I love food, I love cooking, I eat well, I am a "normal" size and have never had to think about dieting.

YANBU in being a bit cross, but bear in mind that your mum didn't know what is now constantly shoved down our throats (excuse pun) about the need to eat fresh fruit and veg.

I think ready meals were seen like the food version of the automatic washing machine. It was something really great and handy and gave hard-working women a break from some of their "duties". Unfortunately, it has meant that there are many people who have grown up without the experience and skills needed to cook and enjoy the outcome.

Sorry OP I've kind of rambled, I hope others will come on to give you some advice on how you can change things for yourself but I just wanted to say YANBU to feel as you do, but its probably not worth dwelling on blame.

yanbu to feel cross about how you where fed growing up, but as you said, it is not up to you to change.

you have control now, you can learn to cook, it isn't rocket science

Instead of wasting energy being cross and angry, or obsessing, use that energy posistively, to change, learn to cook, empower and liberate yourself by taking control.

Your parents where crap but where dows the blame stop> Presumably their parents where crap too, and didn't teach them about healthy eating or cooking, and their parents before them, for generations...

Stop blaming and start changing

In the vein of tips that work, I've found that I can't diet. As soon as I try I crave what I'm missing out on (High calorie junk, not really missing out is it )

What I have done successfully is make small permanent changes. I read in Ms Conley's book that 1 chocolate digestive a day would make you gain 12lb (I think) in a year.

I've given up sugar in tea and coffee.
I put lemon juice on salad instead of oils. If having an indian takeaway I'll have tandoori and eat the salad with the yoghurt dressing rather than the curry sauce and the naan.
If I have fish and chips I don't eat the batter on the fish (reaching a little now I know)

Point is the changes are part of my lifestyle now so they are not things I miss, I've adapted around them and so am saving myself x amount of calories before I even start to diet or cook healthily.

i have a lot of sympathy for you. my mum did most of the cooking, but there were a lot of cakes & desserts, followed by sweets if we were good & ate up everything. food was & still is a reward/comforter etc. both my parents grew up during rationing & this has coloured their opinions hugely - they both feel hugely guilty if they do not finish ever bit of food on the plate.

as a result it has taken me YEARS to even tell if i feel hungry/full or not, as we had to eat ALL the food we were given, and if we wanted cake & sweets (which, of course, we did), then we had to empty our plates, so we ended up overeating & not knowing when to stop.

Nowadays I can maintain a certain weight (which is too high) but I have had so many crash diets, not eating, food fads that I refuse to 'diet' any more. I aim to be fit, so exercise regularly & have healthy meals.

However, I STILL cannot resist temptation - if i go out & there's yummy treats, I really try not to overeat, but honestly, as soon as I see that food, I feel hungry, even if I'm not IYSWIM

Why don't you try to gradully educate yourself? Cook one healthy soup a week (not with loads of bread), make enough for two meals, then that is two evenings when you're sorted. The right soups are vv good & don't leave you hungry, PLUS they keep in the fridge brilliantly, hence being able to do double batches. Once you've got confident with that, try another meal.

We moved to the States 18 months ago, and food is different here, so I got a basic cookbook from the library & am working my way through it.

Blimey! 'your parents were crap'

I find that very harsh.

How will we all be judged if parents are seen as 'crap' for doing what was seen as OK in their time.

I might as well give up now.

A good way of learning to cook is just to pick up Waitrose recipe cards. They're free and you don't have to buy the stuff from there, it's cheaper from Tesco or Asda.

I have a massive collection of these and my 15 yr old son sometimes uses them to make the family dinner. Really really easy, quick and healthy, and easier than trawling through big recipe books looking for inspiration.

Good luck with losing some weight.

I agree with others that although you didn't get a very good start, you can change that immediately by not buying rubbish food.

Good for you for realising you have an 'ishoo' and addressing it.
I'd agree with the poster who suggested Weight Watchers. I know a few people who have TOTALLY changed their body shapes recently and are now the shape they should be (not super skinny or anything, but healthy and feel great).
Yes, our upbringing shapes much of who we are, but, as you said, you are the adult now, and YOU can determine your future. And if that is a future where you look and feel great, aren't at risk from heart disease/diabetes/etc etc, then you are going to love it.

Good luck, good luck, good luck.

Let us know how you get on.

YABU

I was brought up on very similar diet, I can only remember pizzas, oven chips, chicken drummers, fizzy drinks etc....
Although I didn't realise it at the time, the food I ate wasn't very enjoyable, therefore I didn't eat much of it or develop an enjoyment of eating - hence the reason why I'm now 8 stone and don't have much of an appetite. And I'm a rubbish cook too.

I don't think you should blame your parents at all, they didn't have the same "5 a day/balanced diet/healthy option" pressure as we have now, and they thought they were doing right at the time.

Snobear's post was very good. Some brilliant ideas there.

Thank you for all your suggestions etc. And thank you for those that said I should not keep blaming them, I know that you're right and I AM going to make positive changes. And thank you to Snobear4000 and others for their suggestions

Orm (and OP) sorry it did sound harsh, saying 'your parents where crap' but that's not what I meant, I just meant if the OP feels like that she needs to realise they where probably not intentionally like that, but where just passing on what they thought was normal from their parents, and their parents before them...

I didn't mean to sound like I was judging them as crap!

I ate a lot of ready meals, nuggets, Findus pancakes (remember those!) as my mum didn't like cooking. But I learnt about food when I left home at 19 and taught myself to cook. I couldn't boil an egg when I left home. I could just about make a Pot Noodle! You need to learn about nutrition. Also teach yourself to cook (there are so many cook books to choose from) and take responsibility.

You also need to break the cycle and learn to love food for your children. My 7 year old is obsessed with cooking and it's lovely to watch.

Join Weightwatchers or Rosemary Conley. It will really help and give you a network of support for losing weight. You can do an exercise DVD at home (little steps each day).

I also think you should get referred for CBT. I think it will transform your life.

Good luck. You can do it. You need to rethink your negativity.

Agree that you shouldn't waste your energy blaming your parents- it will only colour your relationship with them and make you feel worse.

I taught myself to cook using the Good Food mag- lots and lots of easy recipes, many ready in 20-30mins. They all have a calorie count next to them, and healthy recipes are starred. You can also get all the recipes online- a great resource. I found once I'd been cooking by recipe for a while, I got a feel for what goes with what, and I now cook more and more from my own ideas. You also learn what things will add lots of calories to a meal, and what things are surprisingly low in fat/ calories.

It's also a good idea to meal plan. If you meal plan and use recipes, you have a ready made shopping list, with nothing left over to snack on!!

Good luck! I reckon once you start cooking lovely healthy meals, you will never look back

OP - Your post could've been written by me almost word for word. I'm in tears now. I was brought up on junk - pot noodles, ready meals etc. I was the 'fat girl' in school and was terribly bullied which destroyed my self esteem and confidence and has impacted on friendships, relationships, getting jobs etc. At one point I was mildly agoraphobic because I hated the thought of people outside looking at me. Me and my brother were allowed to drink unlimited amounts of fizzy drinks. I remember a dentist appointment when my brother was told he had the teeth of a 70 year old, not a 7 year old. I told my mum time and time again not to buy junk food but she would say that I didn't have to eat it if I didn't want to. To be fair, there was always fruit in the house, but what child would choose fruit over chocolate, especially when they're addicted to artificial sweeteners and flavourings. When I asked if I could join Weight Watchers my parents just laughed at me. I think because they were so fat themselves they thought I was a normal weight. I recently told my dad how much I weighed and he was shocked and said he thought I weighed half that. I have a terrible relationship with food now. I eat in secret, I hide unhealthy food under bags of bananas or brown bread in my shopping basket and I loiter by the tills until there's no queue.

I'm furious with my mother for allowing us to eat the way she did. My dad is type 2 diabetic with hypertension. He's on 20 tablets a day and she still buys crap food. She's very obese herself. This is a woman with 2 Master's degrees from top 10 universities. I don't know how she can be so ignorant about what she eats. It's very easy for people who just see food as food and don't have emotional attachments to say 'just stop eating', or 'get over your childhood', but it''s bloody difficult. I know I have an addiction. A couple of months ago I went to see the doctor and got a referral to a dietitian. The appointment is this week. I already know what I should be eating, I just have difficulty putting it into practice so I'm not sure how useful it'll be. If you're looking for a buddy to support you with the weight loss then get in touch.

First I feel like giving you a big hug so here goes!00000

You have a lot of anger and actually that's very good because it is your catalyst for CHANGE.

When things are overwhelming it is easy to feel disheartened and a vicious cycle starts, you need self esteem to be strong and to regain will power, so I would say work on your self esteem first.

You are a valuable, loving mum and forget what you think about yourself, focus on what your dc and parents think of you. Do something nice for yourself daily that doesn't involve food and if you feel your self confidence slipping, jot it down in a diary or write it here.

There are fabulous recipes to try on the internet, even on youtube. Start with finding out where your local Aldi or Lidl is as they have fab cheap fruit and veg.

As I type I have a chunk of fresh cauliflower and whole carrot to munch on. I would say, to start with make it a rule only to snack on fruit or veg.

I took out wheat from my diet completely and don't feel bloated any more, have a go and see how you get on.

I love yogurt with sunflower seeds and a little fruit or jam or honey, I have that instead of big puds.

I don't eat potatoes much any more but I do like a little meat, cheese or fish and find a soup based main fills me up no end, with a bowl of rice or noodles.

I have a boiled egg some mornings but not with anything else, if I'm still hungry I have another egg instead of cereal.

I cut out all processed foods and I feel so much healthier, I don't fry anything as I find it's quick and delicious to microwave some nice cheese with some chopped veg like mushrooms and tomatoes.

If you then add a veg stock cube or soya sauce and boiling water and some rice noodles to a little bit of chopped chicken you are in for a delicious easy and filling meal, especially if you chuck in a small handful of chopped baby spinach leaves at the end.

The thing is, experiment and have fun! Get your children involved and once you avoid the aisles with the nuggets, chips etc you can start enjoying the joys of real food, and everything in moderation.

I enjoy growing veg and if you have a spare window sill or bit of garden it's nice to do.

Please don't be hard on yourself any more as a lovely butterfly is waiting to emerge from the chrysalis you're in now.

Just clear your trolley, cupboards, fridge and shelves of things that aid and abet your misery and have another hug to help you on your way to a new, happier you xxx

YABU and YANBU- I've had an eating disorder and there's a lot more to it than my childhood diet.

It's a geberational thing. I was raised on ready meals (as was the norm) but in my teens went on a vegan macrobiotic diet to rebel. (That was shit too). Moral is- don't go to extremes and do go to wieght watchers! I do think you have too much emphasis on the diet you were raised on.You can change your diet. I went through a period of blamimg mum for my problems for bottle feeding me. I now realise that attitude is rubbish.

generational rather than gerberational!

Where are you? I had parents who gave me tiny amounts of food as a child. I have learned later on that me (aged 12) and my 6yo sister got the same amount for lunch, dinner. I was seriously underweight.

I;m not now (thanks cheesecake), but would liek to help. x x x

Some parents do the very worst for their children. Whether it is deliberate or not, it still can have a resonating affect on us as adults. My mother fed us cheap, nasty crap much of the time as she couldn't "afford" decent food. It was a nasty form of neglect, as she COULD afford it she just chose not to spend the money she had on food. Now I am overweight as I GORGED on food as soon as I could afford it myself as a teenager. I am paying the price now for actions I took as a child, as a direct response to how my mother treated me. So yes, I blame her. I totally can understand how you feel OP. It's all very well saying all parents are crap at something or other. But where do you draw the line? There's naive and uneducated parenting, and then there's super intelligent and selfish and plain nasty parenting. I would like to believe parents always do what is in the best interest of the child, but I know from experience that is not always the case.

The lesson I have learnt is I am responsible for my adult self now, but my parents were responsible for my child self. They fucked up. I won't allow them to drag my adult self down though. Be strong, OP and make choices and take action purely to benefit yourself! Don't feel guilty for being angry, and don't let the bitterness eat you up inside. Life is very short but you can totally turn things around Just concentrate on loving yourself, take one step at a time, close the book on the past and think about where you want to be in a year and work your ass off (literally) to get there!

Without knowing all sides to your upbringing, from what you've written you are possibly right to feel cross about how you were fed when you were growing up.

However, I'm fat because I eat imbibe too much crap and don't move around enough to burn off the calories from the shit I eat.

There is no escaping that fact, and I'm slowly working on the psychological reasons for comofort eating/drinking so that in a year or so I'll be able to face the world without feeling a desperate urge to snaffle a family size bag of crisps or drink a bottle of wine in times of stress.

I'm fat. I'm about 19 stone, size 24. I feel fat and uncomfortable. It's not 'me' but at the age of 32 I've grown to realise it's what I shovel into my gob and the lack of exercise that's made me the way I am now, and there may be numerous deep seated personal reasons why we turn to comfort/rubbish food in times of stress (and mine is mozzarella on salty crackers with a glass or three of red wine - I'm not going to lie to you and pretend my current late night pigging is a lettuce leaf with a cup of green tea!) but it's also up to us how we deal with that stress. I'm trying hard to deal with my over eating/over drinking with counselling to realise reasons for doing what I do and to establish alternative ways for dealing with personal weak stress points.

Move forward. You might have grown up on food that you would now look back on as unsuitable for a child, but things were very different 10, 20, 30 years ago, and it's what you do now and what you've learned from past experiences that make the difference.

Inside most fat girls is a slim girl screaming "take me seriously!"

if you are a miserable, fat girl imprisoning a slim, happy girl within please give the slim one a louder voice, stop abusing her and let her out please!

I think you would be better placed in putting this energy into activities such as

exercise
learning about nutrition
learning how to cook
maybe joining a weight loss class
growing fruit and veg

I get where you are coming from, but where will this anger get you? nowhere. you have said yourself that you wont disucss it with parents

you have kids so please think about changing this cycle

good luck X

Just to reassure you that you really can change your eating habits - DH grew up with very odd ideas about food from his parents, but is now a terrific cook who shops and cooks for a very healthy balanced diet for us all, and who is slowly trying to help his parents with their eating as well.