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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you SHOULD move for your SEN child?

39 replies

fearnelinen · 05/05/2010 22:45

I've just met a lady who is experiencing the same SEN issues as my family only she is a lot further down the road than me (DC 8, mine is 3). Long story short, provision locally is terrible and she has ended up sending DC off to board 80 miles away. asked if she had considered moving but absolutely not as she had 2 other DCs.
I'm genuinely interested in opinion as we will likely end up in the same boat and up until tonight, I wouldn't hesitate relocating including other DC, but now I'm pondering...

OP posts:
Gigantaur · 05/05/2010 22:47

It is very easy to say just move if you have a house you own, that can be sold easily and you have teh funds to relocate.
and where would you move? who says that the area you move to will have space for your child or that you would get funding for a placement?

its all to easy to say what people should or shouldn't do until you are actually in that position.

GypsyMoth · 05/05/2010 22:47

i think you have to weigh up whats best for you all as a family,....not best for just the one child

ThatVikRinA22 · 05/05/2010 22:49

i have a son with aspergers. provision here was to put it bluntly shite.
i could no more have afforded to up sticks and move than fly to the moon. my work is here, my DH work is here, my other childs needs do have to be considered.

yabu. the answer is not to move. the answer is to find out your rights and make them happen where you are, you get informed, and make it happen through the appeals process if needs be. not everyone can simply uproot and move.

so now im a failure because i didnt move house too? cheers. i moved heaven and earth - just not house.

Missus84 · 05/05/2010 22:51

Depends how easy it would be to move really, and how easy it would be to get other children into schools.

runnybottom · 05/05/2010 22:52

Theres no SHOULD about it. Don't be ridiculous.

coppertop · 05/05/2010 22:52

If you have 3 children you have to look at what's best for the family as a whole. Having the other 2 children leave their home, friends, and school might not be the best option for this particular family.

There are so many factors involved that it's impossible to say what another family should or shouldn't do.

Tiredmumno1 · 05/05/2010 22:54

My ds is going to a sn school in sept, we would like to move closer so i could take him in everyday. but lack of properties is making it damn hard

Vallhala · 05/05/2010 22:56

A lady I know had this problem with her severely autistic (ie one non-verbal) late-teens twins. The boys are big and strong and can be violent towards her. Her local LA's provision for education and care simply wasn't suitable and would have put her boys and their carers at risk of significant harm.

She decided to place them in another county's far more suitable accomodation after a huge fight with the LA to obtain it.

Point is, unless you are part of the immediate family concerned you can't really judge. It's easy to say that the family should have moved but perhaps, as in this lady's case, there are considerations of other children, work, finances etc to take into account that you may not be party to.

Northernlurker · 05/05/2010 22:59

Well I agree with you in that I think if you can move you should. If you can't, you can't. Of course this child's needs will assume a high priority. NT kids can form new friendships, adjust to most environments etc. A child with SEN may not be able to do that so easily so they should come first and personally I wouldn't want a young child boarding miles away if I could move. Obviously if it's impossible to sell a house or find a job then you can't.

donkeyderby · 05/05/2010 23:08

As far as I can see, the OP is just pondering the rights and wrongs of moving - or not - for herself. She didn't appear to be dismissing the lady for sending her child to boarding school, so I'm not sure why you are being so chippy vicar

Original poster
fearnelinen · 05/05/2010 23:09

Oh gosh, just read a couple of posts but need to correct...SHOULD was a ridiculous word to use and not what I meant. I guess I am asking WOULD you? My opinion up until meeting her a that I WOULD move heaven and earth to get what DC needs, is that unreasonable on the other DCs

OP posts:
Original poster
fearnelinen · 05/05/2010 23:10

...and I'm not judging this lady at all, in fact I'm in utter admiration for what she's doing coupled with fearful sympathy for the awful situation she is in which I am not far off being in.

OP posts:
oldandgreynow · 05/05/2010 23:17

I don't see why the SN child's needs trumps those of the other DC who may be settled in good school.There may be issues around extended family ,jobs,cost of relocation.Also it may mean that the other children get some attention during the week which might be impossible depending on the nature and severity of teh other childs SN

Original poster
fearnelinen · 05/05/2010 23:18

Vicar, absolutely not - I'm not saying that anyone is failing they're DCs, I'm just canvassing opinion. I know about moving heaven and earth, I've already got one in each hand!
Coppertop you're right - I'm not commenting on what this other family are doing - it is whats right for them, I'm just wondering what's best for my family if/when the time comes. I don't think I could stand the boarding option and I think it better for all to relocate together. Clearly it depends on circumstances.

So, if you could, would you at the possible expense of other NT DCs?

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 05/05/2010 23:25

oldandgrey - all any of us can do is the best we've got for all our dcs. If you have a dc who struggles in any environment other than the optimum and a dc who can settle in new places even when they love where they are - well you can move en masse without harming the latter and you may really help the former.

colditz · 05/05/2010 23:32

It could be that she needs him to board because she's had 8 years of this shit and the child is now too large for her to handle, and believe me, a mother of a 7 year old with behavioral problems - if your child is 3 you ain't seen NOTHING yet.

PLUS

The child with the disability is not the only child with any needs at all, and is not the only child you need to consider and care for. Why should one child's disability be allowed to rule the entire family's lives? I love my children equally. Ds1 does not get special dispensation to wreck Ds2's quiet little games just because his ADHD says he's bored and his Autism says he needs ALL the k'nex before he can make a model, and I apply that principle to everything. Ds1 takes a good deal of my attention. Ds2 is entitled to a mother too.

how resentful would you be if you were dragged away from your friends and family for the sake of you older brother going to a different school when he could have boarded and been happy anyway?

oldandgreynow · 05/05/2010 23:49

'If you have a dc who struggles in any environment other than the optimum and a dc who can settle in new places even when they love where they are - well you can move en masse without harming the latter and you may really help the former.'
Hmm but this is the kind of thing that breeds resentment in a child which doesn't surface til much much later when they realise that their easygoing nature has been exploited.

FiveOrangePips · 05/05/2010 23:49

If it was easy to move I would say come to a remote spot, under a labour government, but if it is tricky even under a labour government you have to fight every step of the way.

I do think the the minimal level of education would make me want to move(it is late, but I could expand on this), so I would look to live in a fairly rural place, if I lived in England. (I live in Scotland and have a more centralist view imho) . Provision, where I live with a my lovely ds who has hfa is fantastic, so far, all may change in the next few months, but I do think you have to fight every step of the way for your child, never be complacent.

Original poster
fearnelinen · 05/05/2010 23:50

I just can't imagine getting to a place where splitting the family is the best option? You're perspective of resentment is interesting and definately needs exploring if we get to that point.

OP posts:
colditz · 06/05/2010 00:00

maybe it's the place where the eight year old is regularly kicking the shit out of their siblings and their siblings deserve some respite and some parenting themselves?

FiveOrangePips · 06/05/2010 00:06

I have no resentment, only suspicion, which is anecdotal from mn really. I have had a very supportive network living in a very remote/rural place whilst having an older and "nt" dd- is there always a choice to be made? Is it only in England you have to make the choice? If you opt out of the English system is the choice fairer?

maryz · 06/05/2010 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 06/05/2010 00:58

My cousin has 2 children, the eldest is NT and the youngest SN. The youngest is a large child, though quite loving & gentle, could also be quite a handful when he got upset/angry.

They were lucky in that they had a good SN school a taxi ride away which he attended as a day pupil, but when he got to secondary age there wasn't anything locally - so he went to boarding school.

They thought it would be terrible and looked at moving, but taking into account the older child, their jobs, family, support systems etc it really didn't seem like a good idea.

The youngest (with SN) has dictated all of his life the kind of life they live, by necessity mostly, where they go, who they visit, the holidays they have, the friends that visit them, down to what they watch on TV - it's pretty much always been what DS2 needs - DS1 spends quite a lot of time with his Dad at football etc, so isn't excluded or ignored, but it's a different life to his mates.

DS2 goes to the boarding school, comes home every second weekend and it is working out brilliantly for all of them. My cousin, his wife and DC1 are enjoying having a different kind of home life - more relaxed, more freedom to go out etc (it's a shame DC1 is now an older teen with a girlfriend so he isn't benefitting from the changes as much as he would have if it had been this way a few years earlier, but even so it is helping them create a different relationship before he leaves home) and importantly DC2 LOVES his new school, he LOVES boarding and he LOVES coming home every other weekend - it's a WIN WIN WIN WIN situation.

nooka · 06/05/2010 05:39

The other thing to bear in mind is that although the school may be in a different area there is no guarantee that the LEA in that area would fund the place, and they'd have to start the battle for funding all over again.

My sister had the opposite experience and ended up with her middle (NT) son boarding because the SEN provision in the area was excellent, but the mainstream schools were not.

I guess ideally you'd be able to find out where the best provision and funding was and then move there at a point that worked for all your family, but I don't think that information is very publicly available.

borderslass · 06/05/2010 06:08

At the moment my son who is nearly 16 travels a 80 mile round journey every day the alternative was residential over 100 miles away, residential school was fantastic but no spaces 4 years ago at the time I was devastated that he never got in as his problems where tearing the family apart. However the school in Edinburgh has been the making of him his speech and social skills have improved dramatically and his violent attacks are far less frequent [but only when in his routine]he is coming back to our local community for college which hopefully means he might for the first time in his life have friends.If he had gone to residential moving would of not been an option we could not of afforded to buy in the area the school was in our eldest was in high school starting her O grades and DH has an established business. My son has always had to travel to school so was used to it in primary it was a 40 mile round trip every day as our local sn provision was never really suitable for his needs I now have a son who is doing things we didn't think he was capable of this school has been the making of him.Every family's needs are different.