to think you SHOULD move for your SEN child?

[fearnelinen]

I've just met a lady who is experiencing the same SEN issues as my family only she is a lot further down the road than me (DC 8, mine is 3). Long story short, provision locally is terrible and she has ended up sending DC off to board 80 miles away. asked if she had considered moving but absolutely not as she had 2 other DCs.
I'm genuinely interested in opinion as we will likely end up in the same boat and up until tonight, I wouldn't hesitate relocating including other DC, but now I'm pondering...

Isn't it awful that so many families are facing these decisions. There are so many considerations and such little information. It's so helpful to meet other parents and see how they are dealing with it. I must say I am a little that this whole residential thing is an option - I have just dismissed it as a "Oh we wouldn't do that" thinking if it came to it, we would just relocate. But now I am getting closer to that possibility and it is interesting to have different perspectives.

When youhave only dealt with a portable 3 year old, it's hard to imagine an 8 year old who is big enough to break your bones and those of his siblings. Some times it isn't about educational necessity, it's about child protection.

Chippingin That is a very encouraging story and coupled with Borderslass it's clear you need to be led by SN DCs capability re travelling and boarding. I have to say this is breaking my heart a little.

LeonieDelt how have other DCs taken it? Do you think there is any resentment? Oh a for your current respite.

I am glad you rephrased you op as SHOULD is a really foolish word to use.

I think you are also doing what I see a lot of people with children with SN doing and I am not sure I agree - believeing that the whole focus should be about supporting that one child and maximising their potential with everything else coming a poor second.

I had the 'lie cheat steal kill' attitude when DS was first diagnosed and our focus was entirely upon him.
I realise now that DS1 kind of got left out in the rush. Of course we loved him, of course he is NT and therefore adaptable, but I now have a 16 year old for whom it has taken a lot of work and a lot of time to restore his self confidence and sense of significance in the world.

To suggest that NT kids are maleable is fair enough. But they are also individuals and to suggest that without knowing the individual children and the individual circumastances you believe that you would be right to behave differently is dangerously glib.

As it turns out my children are great.
But we are a family and make decisions to try and meet the needs of all of us .I think you place the needs of one member above all the others at your peril - regardless of SN.
That is exactly why these situations are so different.
And why the Lorenzo oil model of the selfless martyred family giving up everthing to heroically save their vulnerable child is a Hollywood cliche I particularly loathe

That's how I feel tbh. It's not right, there should be universal provision everywhere, but if it comes down to postcode lottery, I think if you can affect that you should.

great post Pagwatch just as I put the sh... word back in the mix! I think this is why I am asking the question. DC1 has shown no sign of being 'left out in the rush' but it's creeping up on me that he might.
He is in a good school, but not the 'best' as we didn't want to move and he was happy to stay where he was. So that's completely hypocritical right?
But if the only other option was for one or other to board, I would have to choose moving with SN DC as their needs are so much more complex and less able to be met elsewhere.

FWIW - I think my only insight into this comes from being a few years down the line and having a DS1 who is very emotionally articulate.

But every case is different and you have to just make the best decision you can and try and make it work. The options that suit multiple DCs when SN are involved are rare indeed.

You can't honestly seek the perfect option as it is rarely there . I am just saying you have to be aware of how you balance the tigerish need to support our most vulnerable children whilst not endlessly assuming our NT children will just understand. Sometimes they don't and make it about their worth IYSWIM

I think as long as your children can be made to feel really important and really loved then they can cope with a lot. It is when you make assumptions about how they are handling things that difficulties arise.
It really is difficult

Ds1 atthe grand old age of 7 already knew that DS2s problems were breaking our hearts and he chose to feign contentment in spite of feeling frightened and lonely.
We moved him three times between 6 and 10 and each time he had to start again with a weird brother in tow.
He never complained, loved his brother with a fury and a depth that has never diminished and has turned into a fine young man.
He also had a kind of survivors guilt about being 'normal' when his brother had such difficulties.
We have worked and wheedled this out of him but we should never underestimate our childrens determination to bottle things up.

I would probably do things in the same order and make the same decisions but honestly - I would make bloody sure that DS1 had far more attention and was make to understand that just because his needs were less then he was not less.

We tell our children all the time how much loved they are, how grateful we are to have them. We attended every sports day and school meet and I walked him home on my own every day I could. We sought time with him where his brother did not dominate because ofhis needs and behaviour. But we still couldn't quite convince him that he didn't matter as much. We absoloutely have now. But it is hard

I have copied and pasted your post pagwatch for future reference. It is a sad situation that affects everyone differently. This morning DH and I are having another disagreement about what deserves more 'airtime' my work with the SEN team or his promotion that he's working hard towards. It's so bloody hard and it takes over your life.
Based on this alone I have just arranged an 'us' day for DC1 and me this weekend. I think before we even get to the 'board or not to board' decision, there is work to be done to ensure more equality. Christ, the guilt is sinking in. DC1 definately has 'survivors guilt' and I have just looked at him as incredibly mature and kind.

Looking at the situation objectively, LEAs only create provision when the need for it reaches crisis point- ridiculous, but true.

How does moving from your area impact on that? It enables the LEA to get away with inadequate provision because it decreases the need for it IYSWIM... I appreciate that most parents are rightly concerned with their own immediate circumstances rather than LEA provision, but if every parent with a child with SEN is encouraged to move to get better provision, then the pressure is off the LEA to create adequate provision. There should be adequate provision wherever you live, and this -unfortunately- needs to be fought for.