Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dh is being irresponsible

51 replies

tuarag · 05/05/2010 21:43

Have a dd aged 9 months. Husband is a mountaineer and has announced that he plans to climb North Americas highest mountain, Denali otherwise known as Mount McKinley. I know enough about this mountain to know that people die attempting to scale this moutain, each year.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him not to go ahead with his plans for the sake of his family. I feel guilty, as I knew when we first met about his passion. What do you think?

OP posts:
Pozzled · 05/05/2010 22:13

I think you are B (a bit) U because as you say you knew what his passion was when you got together. I think that you can and should tell him how scared you feel. However, at the end of the day I think it is his decision to make, and you should support him. I do feel for you though, I have friends who are into climbing/mountaineering, and can imagine how you must be feeling.
I also think that you deserve some reassurance from your DH that he will not take unnecessary risks. Sounds obvious but a lot of mountaineering accidents happen when people make that last push for the summit even when they know that conditions are worsening etc.

Original poster
tuarag · 05/05/2010 22:15

Thanks Debs. DH will be away from home for about five weeks.

OP posts:
seeker · 05/05/2010 22:16

A lifelong passion for mountains is very different from a sudden unplanned midlife crisis trip to "find yourself" As my dp said of a friend who wantded to go on a similar trip "what's he going to find - a big field with a bastard in the middle of it?"

But if you hook up with an enthusiast - for mountains or fly fishing - you need to compromise.

petisa · 05/05/2010 22:17

I know it's not the same as mountain climbing but my dp gets on a very fast motorbike every day and negotiates roads full of terrible drivers who don't look in mirrors (Spain). I wish he didn't but I can't change who he is, I knew what he was like when I decided to have children with him.

OP I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask your dh to postpone the trip as your dd is so young but I would think yabu if you wanted him never to do it. As others have said, any of us could die tomorrow, and you can't ask him not to be who he is.

HumphreyCobbler · 05/05/2010 22:17

I disagree with the majority. If it IS really dangerous (I know nothing about it) I wouldn't be happy for him to do it at all.

He has a baby, perhaps he could content himself with a less dangerous mountain? I don't think it is outrageous of the OP to change her stance on such things now they are both parents either.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2010 22:20

humphrey...a less dangerous mountain ?

methinks you are missing the point

Snorbs · 05/05/2010 22:30

The risk of dying while climbing Mt McKinley is less than the lifetime risk of a mother dying in childbirth in Europe (source).

YANBU to worry. YwouldBU to stop him from going. There is no such thing as a risk-free life.

Drayford · 05/05/2010 22:42

You knew about his passion when you decided to have a family with him - YABU.

YANBU to worry about him.

sleepingsowell · 05/05/2010 22:50

The main thing here for me would be the timescale, tbh.

I do think he should climb things if he really must (passes me, but anyway) I don't think he should be away on a leisure trip for 5 weeks at at time when he has a young family at home.

I think he should find things to climb up that are closer to home and don't take him away for long periods. Which I guess in terms of the climbing experience may limit him; but he chose to be a parent.

tinkletinklelittlestar · 05/05/2010 23:24

On the kind side - Is it even feasible for you all to go together for part of the 5 weeks and treat as a family holiday of sorts?

On the pissed off side - have you made your feelings clear about him going away for so long and the strain it puts on you? When will you get to go away for 5 weeks?

Other comments seem to go along the lines of "well, you married him knowing this was his hobby so tough titty" - not fair! It cuts both ways - compromise is key to making any type of relationship work.

ChippingIn · 06/05/2010 02:03

Anyfucker

Tuarag - 'Husband is a moutaineer' - well, for me that sums it up. It's not like he's usually a couch potato who has suddenly decided it would be good to go and climb a mountain.

It is something you knew about when you decided to have children with him. There are plenty of women in similar situations.

I would just make sure he knows how much you love him before he goes, take loads of photos of you both and with your DD, get him to write her a letter etc. Make sure his life insurance is all in order and would pay out on this trip - a wacking amount of money, because although the money wouldn't bring him back, not having to worry about money if anything did happen, would be an enormous help.

ChippingIn · 06/05/2010 02:07

Oh and as for not going when he has a young family at home - there is NO good time to lose your Dad, so it matter not a jot when he goes. If it's because the OP will be left doing all the 'work' of having a family - does this mean he shouldn't go until the chilren are all in their 20's??

ChippingIn · 06/05/2010 02:09

...and.... (sorry for not getting it all in one post!!) she has said her DH would encourage and support her if she wanted to do something - so it's not like he thinks he's entitled to go and do as she pleases and she's not.

Granny23 · 06/05/2010 02:46

When someone has a real passion for something it is part of them. So OP's husband is a husband, a father and a mountaineer, maybe other things as well. If his passion for mountaineering is thwarted, stymied, then part of him will wither and die. He will no longer be the same person. I have never had the urge to 'live on the edge' to push myself to the furthest limits but I know people who are like that - it is part of their makeup.

If OP makes a huge fuss and guilt trips her OH into giving up his dream he will surely resent it in years to come, you cannot keep a wild spirit in a cage.

scaryteacher · 06/05/2010 08:10

My husband is a nuclear submariner (knew that when I married him) and I accepted the risks. He was also a white water canoeist, who then moved into sailing yachts (did the Fastnet and the South China Seas race), and now is a glider pilot. Whilst these don't cpmpare with climbing a mountain (apart from the risks of drowning from yachts and falling out of the sky as gliders don't have engines), you learn to accept that the easiest way to deal with it is to let them do it and get it out of their system.

I don't fly in anything without an engine (or trolly service according to my dh), so can't understand the passion for gliding, but go with it. He is well insured and knows the risks. The same with going off to sea in a black tube with a nuclear reactor at the back for months at a time - you wave them off and then get on with the next couple of months. I think you may have to do the same.

The other thing I would add is that a friend of dh's died last year at 48 from an unexpected and very rapid illness - sore throat to dead in 3 days I think. Life is now and we have to live it, we don't get a second go. That focussed our minds on doing the things we want to whilst we can.

Sn0wflake · 06/05/2010 09:05

YANBU - climbing those sorts of mountains really is dangerous. I wouldn't stay married to someone taking those sorts of risks.

And all you lot saying she is being unreasonable it's very fucking easy to sit in your front room and judge but I think you should think about the prospect of your husband going off and not coming back.

He has children and responsibilities. OP you should have talked this through before you made a commitment I think.

Oblomov · 06/05/2010 09:19

Agree with Granny and totally disagree with snowflake.
No change there then. Hardly surprising.

seeker · 06/05/2010 09:23

Every time he gets in the car to drive to tesco he is going off and might never come back.

And for those of you who are going on about being away for 5 weeks - you'd have to be pretty wet not to be able to look after a baby on your own for 5 weeks!

UpSinceCrapOClock · 06/05/2010 09:25

My sister climbed Mt McKinley. They actually passed a group who had frozen to death on the way up. She did say though, that they were some groups that were pretty unrealistic about the expedition and completely unprepared (especially with regards to weather conditions etc) and wouldn't listen to any advice at the base camp.

I think if your DH is a serious mountaineer and has lots of experience and prepares his trip thoroughly, he knows what he is doing.

I would be nervous though, agree with you there.

UpSinceCrapOClock · 06/05/2010 09:27

'there were' not 'they were'

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 06/05/2010 09:31

Sit down, tell him how you feel, plan what you're going to do in your 5 weeks off and plan when that will be (there must be something you'd love to do) and then support him in his decision to go.

I think the thing about you having a young child is more relevant when you consider that young children are generally more work, so if he were to wait until DC is older then it wouldn't be such a pressure on you (but that assumes you won't be having more DCs!).

kittens · 06/05/2010 09:38

My DH used to race cars, but after our DDs were born he decided that it wasn't worth the time, money or risks. He only knows 3 people who were killed or seriously injured during motorsport, so compared to climbing a mountain its a pretty small risk. He has now started competitive karting which is much less intense but still fun. One day when the girls are older he will probably race again.

Can he find some other way of filling his needs without taking such a big risk.

I know my DH wasn't covered by his life insurance when he was racing so I guess your DH is in a similar position or it would be worth checking especially any life insurance you have in relation to your mortgage.

jcscot · 06/05/2010 09:39

I'm scary (and most of the other people on the thread). While you're not being unreasonable to worry about the dangers, you are being unreasonable to ask him not to go.

I'm also a Forces wife (Army) and my husband disappears to dangerous places for months at a time. Last time he left me at home with a two year old and six month old. I worried, but I got on with it.

Now, I'm assuming your husband is a serious mountaineer and will have everything squared away in case something should happen. Make sure he has adequate life/injury insurance (from what you say, he does). Make sure he has a will and funeral instructions and that you know where all the important documents are. (In the military this is known as an "Oh F**k File".) Then, wave him off and chew your nails ragged for five weeks!

I can completely understand why you would worry but you knew what he was when you married him and it would be unfair to expect him to change now. I knew my husband was a career officer when I married him (and he still has at 19 years left before his length of service is up!) and I know that if I asked him to leave, he would but he'd be miserable as he doesn't want to be a civvy and has no interest in a career outside the military.

Just grit your teeth, get in a good supply of chocolate and hope it all goes well.

seeker · 06/05/2010 09:44

I think he should go - and go while the baby is very little, and isn't aware. Or wait til the child is old enough to understand. Worry about your partner is something that an adult can deal with - worry about a parent is usually not something a child should have to deal with unless it's unavoidable.

jcscot · 06/05/2010 09:49

"I'm scary (and most of the other people on the thread)"

Sorry - that should read "I'm with scary..."

Swipe left for the next trending thread