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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get in a right state every time I get advice from the HV

37 replies

froglegs · 05/05/2010 13:01

Hello
My HVs are really nice and are only trying to help me but over the last month I have had a lot of advice (some asked for, some not) about raising my 6 month old.

I should be doing basically as follows:
7am - breakfast
9am - 10am - nap in cot
12pm - lunch
1pm - 2.30pm (at least) - nap in cot with story
4pm - dinner
6pm - 7pm - bathtime and bedtime

(my baby doesnt sleep and eat on demand by the way)

and then I am told to GET OUT MORE!!!

I am feeling very down about it as I am starting to become housebound.

Is this normal? What does everyone else do?

OP posts:

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 05/05/2010 13:08

I have learned to ignore my health visitor . She is there to make suggestions not read out a list of rules. If you are feeling down I agree getting out and about may help but the last thing you want to do in that case is tie yourself up in knots trying to stick to a rigid routine. I know routine helps some people (I am a complete control freak ) but if I were you I'd nod and smile at the health visitor then when she leaves pop your baby in the buggy and go and buy yourself a trashy magazine and a latte! Your life will have to slot into a pattern one day when your DC is in school etc but for now be kind to yourself.

ladyofshallots · 05/05/2010 13:09

Gosh - that seems like a lot of food. My 6 month old only has breakfast at the moment and a loose routine - nothing so structured as that.

If you have such a rigid routine I imagine going out could be quite tricky.

Having said this, I have a baby who refuses to nap!

fernie3 · 05/05/2010 13:09

we dont really have set times but we do tend to fall into a routine similar to above. If we are out they sleep in the pushchair I dont stay in just for their naps

ChippingIn · 05/05/2010 13:10

frogslegs - are you struggling? Is this why the HV's are being a bit over the top? Do they think you need some help/direction? Because, it seems to be making you more unsettled/confused/insecure...

You need to relax, do what suits you and your baby. Some Mums stay in pretty much for the first year, following their routine to the minute, anxious if anything upsets it - other Mums are out and about all the time, with the baby getting sleeps/feeds where and when it needs them... there really isn't a right or wrong way, it's just your way

Firawla · 05/05/2010 13:10

what? why does your hv feel the need to tell you a routine with exact timings that is a bit silly as children do have different needs...
if she has given it as a general idea of a routine then its fine but if she made you feel you MUST do this then its not on. I've never got anything like this from HV, although i dont really see them at all but if she insists on this she may be a bit too bossy?
the routine is fine although saying nap MUST be in cot is quite restrictive, i dont see whts wrong with let them nap in pram, at someone else house, out at toddler group etc - especially if you are aiming to get out more.
just take from the advice anything you think seems useful but dont feel obliged to follow it to the letter. if it makes you feel down just discard it, you do not HAVE to keep such a strict routine to bring up your child well. just use as a rough framework if you wish & deviate from it when convenient/necessary
also 4pm seems a very early dinner to me!

fernie3 · 05/05/2010 13:10

for 6 month old I would have probably small amount of breakfast and small amount of lunch and/or dinner. We havent started on food until around 5-6 months so it would only be a couple of bites at this stage.

Psammead · 05/05/2010 13:10

My DD is only 4 months (almost) so maybe the advise changed as they get older - but basically - I feed her when she's hungry and let her sleep when she's tired.

Maybe I am making a rod for my own back as far as a nice routine goes, but I figure she'll get into one sooner or later.

My approach to parenting is to just do what's right at the time and go with the flow. I am in no way qualified to give that out as advice, but it's what keeps me sane right now!

YABNU for getting upset when someone tries to force you into something that doesn't work. Just tell them that you do what you think is best for your child. It's not cruel or neglectful, and the HV is not God-of-Babies-who-must-be-obeyed. She's there to give advice and make your life a bit easier and to check that your baby is fine. If she's not ticking all these boxes, it's not your job to try to conform to her!

As for getting out more - it can be a great stress relief. I do try and get out every day and would recommend it, even if it does seem like a terrible effort sometimes, but again - do what's right for you and your child!

If you are starting to feel down, for goodness sake tell your HV and ask for help! She's not there to judge.

I hope things pick up again soon - good luck.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 05/05/2010 13:11

I do what my babies want to do. If they fall asleep, it's obviously 'nap time'. At 6m I started to introduce meal times for solids (roughly - if baby was asleep at 7am I wouldn't wake for breakfast). Some days they sleep/eat/play more than others. Just go with the flow

Firawla · 05/05/2010 13:11

oh yeah i missed that shes 6 months and she's scheduled all that food.. does seem a lot for the age, if your dd doesnt want to eat all tht in a schedule i wouldnt worry @ that age

ABatInBunkFive · 05/05/2010 13:12

froglegs, you should be doing what feels right for you and your DD HVs do not know everything.

Some people are mouthier than others, possibly she just can't stop talking crap, has she given you a reason why you must do the above?

Bonsoir · 05/05/2010 13:15

If I had listened to the French paediatrician, I would have been housebound for three full years before DD started pre-school - oh, apart from 2x daily outings to the playground, which were considered the only suitable sort of outing . No wonder French women want to WOH and leave their children in crèches or with nannies.

My advice is to work out how you would like to lead you life, do so, and take your baby with you. If your DC cannot cope, he/she will let you know fast enough, and you can make adjustments accordingly!

I had a fun life with lots of shopping, travel, sightseeing and restaurants for the first three years. DD started complaining thereafter, so it was a good thing that pre-school started then! I don't think it was entirely coincidence

Original poster

froglegs · 05/05/2010 13:16

I am struggling but I didnt realise I was until the HV told me what I should be doing!

My baby doesnt sleep well at night and apparently that's because he doesnt nap or eat enough during the day - I used to get out loads but because I am so desperate for a decent nights sleep I tend to stay in a lot and follow the routine.

Everytime I get more advice I end up in tears which make them then give me more advice!

OP posts:

thenameiwantedwastaken · 05/05/2010 13:16

Your HVs sound really different from mine who will never commit to giving any advice! (Except to use controlled crying straight away for sleep problems )

You ask what everyone else does. My DD is 11 months old now but at 6 months my routine was similar to the one you give but quite flexible. I think you can't have a strict routine handed to you as you have to make it work for your lifestyle and your baby. I used to go out a lot of afternoons and take bus to meet friends - dd would have two mini naps in pushchair on way there and back and not be grumpy and tired. We also chose to have dinner at 6 so we could all eat together with DP and bed at about 8 so we could play with her after work.

I tend to think of the routine in terms of meeting the baby's needs and training them to be part of our family.

HTH. And if you want to go out, just do it. Grab baby/pushchair/food/milk and go - you may feel a lot better about it all.

Morloth · 05/05/2010 13:18

Nod and smile. Take what you like and leave the rest.

TheCrackFox · 05/05/2010 13:20

You are under no legal obligation to listen to a word she says. Just say thanks and ignore her.

Routines suit some mothers and babies but feel like a burden to others.

Original poster

froglegs · 05/05/2010 13:21

He is refusing to drink milk so I have to feed him solids 3 times a day to get calories into him

OP posts:

EldonAve · 05/05/2010 13:23

stop seeing the HV

ABatInBunkFive · 05/05/2010 13:27

Filling him up with that much food will ensure he keeps refusing the milk.

I agree with EldonAve, stop seeing her, post any quieries on here instead.

ChippingIn · 05/05/2010 13:28

frogslegs - is your baby sleeping better with this new routine?

You said you didn't realise you were struggling until your HV told you 'what you should be doing' - what were you doing before that? How did you feel then? (other than tired from lack of sleep at night!!).

It is hard to say 'ignore the HV' when we don't know you. It would be awful to say that, then find you've said that to someone who is really struggling, who has a HV that knows the person and has given them appropriate advice for them - if you see what I mean.

Generally speaking though, I think it's better if a baby gets used to sleeping wherever you are. When the babies are that age, I tried to be in for some sleeps during the week - but not all. Most days I ended up being home for one of the two sleeps, but on the days I didn't - it wasn't a big deal. As for eating, at 6 months your babies main 'food' is milk, other food is really fun/supplement/learning - as long as she is getting plenty of milk, don't worry about meal times.

It is important that your needs are being met too - do what you need to do for you, whether that be Mother & Toddler groups or sitting in Starbucks with a coffee...

fernie3 · 05/05/2010 13:32

frogslegs if trying to follow the routine is more stressful than not following it then it is the wrong routine. Nothing wrong with routine (I love routine) but it has to work for you. If nighttime is a problem i would scale it all back to just an evening/nighttime routine and figure out what works and move on from there.

Kathsunn · 05/05/2010 13:36

I had a difficult time after my first was born (I was physically unwell). I had to see hv all the time at first, but started to realise when my ds1 was 3 month that I didn't have to go if I didn't feel I needed it.

And, one day I just stopped. I did feel a bit nervous at first not having a professional to speak with, but soon found toddler groups mums and friends that had more generally helpful advice -- not so clinical and overly structured.

I think children need routine, but it should be dictated by the child's needs not a hv.

diddl · 05/05/2010 13:40

At 6months I was still breastfeeding so it was a feed on waking-enough to settle them for me to shower & dress.

Breakfast together (inc. bfeed)-perhaps about 8.30

Lunch about one-with bfeed

evening meal about 6-with bfeed.

Night time feed about 9

Usually napped about 10 & 2 iirc.

Buffty · 05/05/2010 13:42

Remember it is only advice and not the law. Use the bits of advice that work for you and ignore the rest.

If you find that staying in to enforce this rigid routine isn't working for you and is making you unhappy then don't do it.

Will your baby nap if you are out either in a pushchair, car seat or on your lap?

As for sleeping, my baby is now 9 months and is starting to sleep for longer periods at night again after several months of disrupted sleep due to teeth. If we've had a really rough night then I tend to have a sleep when he does in the afternoon.

I've also found that we've slipped into our own little routine as time's gone on but only in that we tend to eat at roughly the same time each day and bedtime is roughly the same time each day.

dinkystinky · 05/05/2010 13:50

FWIW at 6 months both DS1 and DS2 had routines which were broadly similar to that - but we only really tried to ensure that at least one of their naps was in their cot at home and the other one could be in the buggy if we had to run errands etc (both slept much better in their cots btw). Take what advice your HV has given you and adapt it to make it fit for your life.

zippy79 · 05/05/2010 13:50

I listen to some of the health visitor advice but often I think its best to just follow your gut instinct. You know your own child better than anyone else regardless of how well meaning the advice they have is

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