To get in a right state every time I get advice from the HV

[froglegs]

Hello
My HVs are really nice and are only trying to help me but over the last month I have had a lot of advice (some asked for, some not) about raising my 6 month old.

I should be doing basically as follows:
7am - breakfast
9am - 10am - nap in cot
12pm - lunch
1pm - 2.30pm (at least) - nap in cot with story
4pm - dinner
6pm - 7pm - bathtime and bedtime

(my baby doesnt sleep and eat on demand by the way)

and then I am told to GET OUT MORE!!!

I am feeling very down about it as I am starting to become housebound.

Is this normal? What does everyone else do?

God I hate those really prescriptive routines.

My DD never napped like she was 'supposed' to.

I didn't bother with a routine - just fed her when she was hungry, let her sleep when she was tired.

It works just fine for us - she's 21 months now and some days she'll have a nap and other days can go with out which is fabulous as we really can do whatever we want.

She's slept through 7-8 since about 6 months too and she doesn't have a bedtime routine - just a story then into her cot.

Don't worry about it at all!

My advce is to nod, smile, and then go back to bed when she has left.

I for one am in bed, with laptop, snoozing 15 month dd2 on knee, comfy clothes and a bag of chocolate raisins.

When dd2 is awake I follow her about with random snacks in the hope that something will go in.

Have a little think about what things really matter to you. Some people really value having an hour in the morning to shower, others need to know dcs will eat at set times, others need to know they can have an afternoon nap with dc, others need to be out of the house most of the day.

Once you know what kind of picture you want to build, you can start plotting how to build it.

You're doing great. These first years are built on shiftng sand. As soon as you have a little system up and running, they teeth/walk/crawl/talk/other and completely move the goal posts. It's all fne, just learn what you can be very relaxed about, and nurture the things that are non-negotiable so they become The Law.

Laws in this house - shoes in shoe box

• Keys in key box
• formula bottle washed and ready to go by 8am.
• hessian bag in car [equiped to cope for a trip with 5yo and 1yo, be that trip 1 hour or 2 days. It has snacks, juice, nappies, coats, blankets etc. That way I can head to town for a birthday card and be gone for 5 hours and it's all ok].

You could have a similar 'stash' so you can have a more flexible approach to your days. Routine and rigmarole can get you down a bt, whereas a 'bugger it I'm off for a nice lunch even if it is your tummy time' can be good for the soul.

x

BTW should have said that both DS1 and DS2's routines were baby led routines rather than parent led - its just the approx timings that they wanted to do those things. We watched for signs for hunger/tiredness etc and acted accordingly. Am not a routine person at heart.

"I am struggling but I didnt realise I was until the HV told me what I should be doing!"

Hey there is no SHOULD BE DOING with a six month old especially if it's getting you down. DO what suits you.

In the really early days I found it virtually impossible to leave the house - didn't know how to fold/unfold buggy for a start LOL.

But once I got that sorted I did as I pleased. I BF & did BLW which gave me lots of flexibility.

I flew around the world and lived on an island in middle of nowhere for 3 months - DD was 2-5 months on the island. I was blessedly lucky to have that experience I know. I guess my point is there is no SHOULD DO. On the island I had no shops, electricity or running water. 12 other residents on island. No doctor, no OH. It was bliss - the most precious bonding with DD & I was much happier than if I had stayed in basement flat in London listening to my HV. But certainly it was not what I SHOULD have done.

Back in London (summer is coming) I continued to get out & about - DD slept in buggy no problem & now she is 2.5 she can still sleep anywhere & through all manner of noise & alarms. That's getting out for you. Is there a specific reason why HV is saying your baby should nap in cot? I kept the cot for 'evening/big' sleeps & got her napping everywhere & anywhere.

I did get into a loose routine getting her down for morning & afternoon naps from about 3 months - but it all fitted in with what we were doing. Some days we would be out all day. Others I couldn't even get it together to leave this house

"I am struggling but I didnt realise I was until the HV told me what I should be doing!"

Hey there is no SHOULD BE DOING with a six month old especially if it's getting you down. DO what suits you.

In the really early days I found it virtually impossible to leave the house - didn't know how to fold/unfold buggy for a start LOL.

But once I got that sorted I did as I pleased. I BF & did BLW which gave me lots of flexibility.

I flew around the world and lived on an island in middle of nowhere for 3 months - DD was 2-5 months on the island. I was blessedly lucky to have that experience I know. I guess my point is there is no SHOULD DO. On the island I had no shops, electricity or running water. 12 other residents on island. No doctor, no OH. It was bliss - the most precious bonding with DD & I was much happier than if I had stayed in basement flat in London listening to my HV. But certainly it was not what I SHOULD have done.

Back in London (summer is coming) I continued to get out & about - DD slept in buggy no problem & now she is 2.5 she can still sleep anywhere & through all manner of noise & alarms. That's getting out for you. Is there a specific reason why HV is saying your baby should nap in cot? I kept the cot for 'evening/big' sleeps & got her napping everywhere & anywhere.

I did get into a loose routine getting her down for morning & afternoon naps from about 3 months - but it all fitted in with what we were doing. Some days we would be out all day. Others I couldn't even get it together to leave this house

I followed a routine similar to the one you mention in your OP. However, that was because it suited my DCs (although with DS it was fit round DD's school times to a certain extent). I used to go out a few times a week. Would normally try and have a day in, if I had been out all day the day before and the DCs hadn't had much sleep - just so they could get a decent nap really.

However, I was lucky because both my DCs slept well, and ate fairly well. I can imagine that the routine wouldn't work anywhere near as well if this wasn't the case.

I, and many other mums I know, have been brought to tears by HVs at some point or other (mostly about weight gain/loss!!!!), and the best advice is to take the advice with a pinch of salt, and then do what YOU need to do to get through the day. Good luck - and try not to worry too much. Things will improve.

Your 6 month old is having NO milk, just solids?
You don't need a HV, you need a paediatrician.

Best bit of advice I EVER had about raising littlemad was from my big sister who said, do what YOU think is right for littlemad and you. People who give you advice are not living your life.

It was the thing that gave me the greatest confidence and I will be forever thankful to her from turning me from a nervous wreck of a Mummy into someone a lot more laid back and able to enjoy littlemad so very much.

Good luck, take what is useful leave the reat and enjoy it, it really does go by so fast.

Personally, I drove myself mad in the early days with DD reading books about routine and stressing if DD didn't follow what the books said. The day we threw them away, all our lives improved. I realise a HV is not quite the same but the principle holds - if their advice isn't working for you or is making your life harder, ignore it.

From a sleep point of view, this is totally anecdotal but I have found that plenty of fresh air seems to knock DD (nearly 6 months) out so trips out are a good thing. She doesn't seem to like her cot during the day so any naps she does take are on my or DH's lap or in her carrycot if we are out. Although it means I have to look blankly at people when they ask about our routine, it does mean I can pretty much go where I want and see who I want during the day.

Although it might be hard to force yourself out when you are tired from no sleep at night you might find if you can do it, it helps your baby sleep. I think the more experiences they have during the day - the more people they meet and things they see - seem to wear them out. Mum and baby groups and sessions like "baby bounce and rhyme" in the library if you have something similar near you are lots of fun for them and certainly DD tends to drop off afterwards.

Again anecdotally, friends have told me that swimming works well to help their babies sleep although we haven't been yet so I can't recommend it personally.

I can't comment on the food side of things as we are waiting for 6 months to start DD on BLW but my understanding was that milk was more important for them than food for the first few months of weaning. However, if your baby won't take milk (and if it isn't just that he is eating so much he can't fit it in) then maybe your HV knows best on this.

ooooo also, the only book I used was penelope leach, which suited me and seems to have suited littlemad.

Some HVs are very helpful but the bad ones don't seem to be under any control - they just go on spouting their rubbish as if it was gospel...

Anyway, I have a 6 month old too. She hardly sleeps in the day and never in her cot. She breastfeeds whenever she's hungry and I've started to offer her solids, but if she doesn't want them I don't care.

Her four older sisters weren't forced into routines either and so the HV would probably expect them to be illiterate, obese, drug-addicted prostitutes by now. Yet somehow they are happy, healthy, decent girls.

treedelivery:
"You're doing great. These first years are built on shiftng sand. As soon as you have a little system up and running, they teeth/walk/crawl/talk/other and completely move the goal posts."
I am going to make this line my personal motto. Great line and so true!