Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a bit of space before my mother turns up after birth of first baby

36 replies

Cat111 · 05/05/2010 11:53

At 38 weeks I am feeling stressed for the first time during my wonderful pregnancy. Last night my mother announced that as soon as baby was coming DH had to call her and she would hop straight into the car and come to see us (she lives four hours' drive away).

While I understand her wish to see her first grandchild as soon as possible, I just want a few days for DH and I to take baby home and figure things out for ourselves as I feel this is a very special time for us.

Matters not helped by fact that other granny lives close to us so will see baby - but then I know will butt out after having a look, whereas my mother approaches everything like a bull in a china shop.

My mother will feel that this is unfair and be very upset but totally overwhelmed by idea of having her crashing around in our tiny cottage telling us what to do, and trying to deal with her while also trying to enjoy first days as a three-person family rather than a couple.

Am I being...

OP posts:
fernie3 · 05/05/2010 11:54

YANBU tell her to wai but send pics as soon as baby is born.

SirBoobAlot · 05/05/2010 11:55

Just don't tell her. Wait until the baby is here, and you have had a few hours to recover and sleep adjust, and then call her with the hospital visiting hours.

DecorHate · 05/05/2010 11:58

With my first, I asked my mum to wait and come when dh was about to go back to work as that would be most helpful to me.... MIL wanted to jump on the first plane and was very miffed when we said no but she got over it...

Carikube · 05/05/2010 11:59

YANBU - MIL came down to see our DD when she was first born (her first GC) and overstayed visiting hours in hospital which really frustrated me. I made comments about what time was her train home and she declared that she was staying overnight which was news to us! DH was a bit peeved as he was knackered and also wanted to get stuff sorted out at home (DD and I stayed in so he was going home on his own) especially as he ended up doing things and also making her cups of tea etc as she didn't offer to help out.

This time she is coming down again but will be looking after DD whilst I am in labour; however I have made it clear to DH that if she comes in to visit it will only be during official visiting hours and she is not allowed to outstay her welcome.

SecretPollingBooth · 05/05/2010 12:00

any chance you could get your MIL on your side? she could suggest that your mum comes to hers once youve had he baby (thik of an excuse) then they could visit together (and leave together!)

supergreenuk · 05/05/2010 12:01

YANBU
I was in the same boat and I hated all the visitors and eventually had to say NO MORE.

My mum lives a couple of hours away and I really worried about it but she was very respectful, came to see DD had a cup of tea and left.

If you are really worried you must have a chat with her. If she has to come maybe suggest that if she wants to come straight away you will only be up for a short visit. If she wants to stay longer it maybe an idea to leave it a couple of days/weeks.

SirBoobAlot · 05/05/2010 12:03

Oh sorry just reread and seen you want a few days - again, perfectly reasonable. Just tell her when you're ready for her to come and visit.

onepieceoflollipop · 05/05/2010 12:06

There needs to be some compromise here (possibly more from your mother than you)

It sounds as if your mil (the other gran) will get to see the baby first. Your mother may well understandably feel put out by this. Fair enough, from your pov this is because mil sounds as if she will pop in, look at baby, have a cup of tea, pop out again.

Your mother may be the opposite and want to arrive immediately, stay for days etc etc. NO wonder you don't want her to come for a bit.

I think you need to have a polite, firm and honest conversation with your mum. Say that you are more than happy for a short visit, but an hour or so, and no overnight visitors. If she takes offence/gets awkward etc that is her choice. Stress that you are offering the same to the other granny.

DuelingFanjo · 05/05/2010 12:09

you have my sympathies. My MIL is already booked to come over for her birthday the week I am due I can't do anything about it as she was always going to be coming over. I just hope that I am overdue, it's going to be hard enough being heavily pregnant and having her popping in as it is.

If I were you I would just be firm and tell her that you don't want her to stay and would rather she came a couple of days after the birth and stayed in a B&B

Original poster
Cat111 · 05/05/2010 12:10

Thank you everybody. She is talking about booking into a local B&B (we don't have space for her at home, thankfully) and seems to want to stay around for a few days after we get back from hospital.

I'm really happy for her to come to see us in hospital ? it's more having her in our space all day for days after we get home that is a bit troubling.

I think I might tactfully point out that it would be lovely to see her around day 5 or so and hope she doesn't flip out!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 05/05/2010 12:19

Cat - I think you'd be better to tell her that it would be lovely to see her, that the hospital visiting hours are x-y and that you intend to stick to this when you go home as well, but that she can have an extra visit at a-b as well, but the rest of the time you want to be alone with the baby.

You get what you want (pretty much) & she feels 'special'... job done

... and if she goes off on one, tell her if she wants unrestricted visiting, that's fine and you'll call her when you feel up to that!

Lambzig · 05/05/2010 12:31

I had exactly the same thing with my parents and the PIL as my DH and I wanted two weeks with the baby before people came to stay. At one point my MIL said that "it didnt matter what we wanted, she was getting in the car the minute she heard and would bang on the door until we let her in" so I know how you feel.

Eventually both sides had to agree to what we wanted and we had the first two weeks by ourselves with our DD (ten weeks today). I am so glad that we stuck with it, it gave us such an amazing time with our new baby and also gave us time to get confident with her and her needs. Very important if you have someone like my father who was telling me I was holding the baby wrong as he came through the front door two weeks later. Both sets of parents have enjoyed their time with her since - just a little bit later.

I think its ok to be a teensy bit selfish and stick to what you and your DH want - your mother will come round and its such a special time.

Original poster
Cat111 · 05/05/2010 13:00

Lambzig - I think your mother and mine may be twins separated at birth!

Going to try to have a sensible conversation with her and hoping my brother will act as an intermediary and calm her down if she gets too agitated!

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 05/05/2010 16:49

I remember MIL coming to visit when DS was maybe five days / a week old (not sure, all a bit of a blur ) - it was lovely to see her, she was over the moon, and she drove three hours in the foulest of weather. But I was so exhausted, was trying to get the breastfeeding established, and cooking lunch (a very stylish pasta with lump cheese sauce, not my best dish ever) was just nightmarish. I was close to tears.

I think grandparents forget the reality of the first few weeks with a newborn. So just be fair but firm about it, I guess, and if she throws a wobblier, tell her its either what you're offering or you won't tell her the baby is here until s/he is a month old

NigellaTufnel · 05/05/2010 17:01

There are tons of threads about this, you are not alone. And some great stories about parents or PIL bursting in when people were delivering / getting stitched up afterwards etc.

My mother was a bloody nightmare the first time.

But serious serious seriou point. Are you planning to breastfeed?

Id so, you may be one of the lucky ones who can just latch and go.

However, bfeeding can be v difficult to get established. Something that no ones really expects.
It can be done, and you will get loads of support on here.
But the most important thing is to have time, space, privacy and quiet, and very little stress. You may need to be able to sit for hours, in front of the telly if needs be, with your boobs out, just cuddling, chilling, and concentrating on your baby.

And this is why you don't want your mother fussing, or making you feel stressed.

So if it helps, think about it this way - you are putting your child's health before your mother's bruised feelings.

Maybe say to her - you know, I'm going to try breast feed, so we will call you when I have fed baby.

inchhighprivateeye · 05/05/2010 17:02

I can imagine if my DD was having a baby, I would be incredibly excited and probably a bit worried, and would want to see that both were fine ASAP.

I know new mums are encouraged to be selfish around this time, but would it really kill you to let your mum in for half an hour? Once you're a mum and she's a gran your relationship will probably change (might even improve) so don't assume that things will always be the way they were before.

zebedeethezebra · 05/05/2010 17:35

YABU but I can sympathise. I was stuck in hospital for 5 days with DS as he was in SCBU and the hospital allowed no visitors whatsoever apart from partners because of swine flu and winter vomiting virus. I was quite glad that they had this policy, but my mum (who sounds exactly like yours) was going spare with frustration wanting to see me and DS.

My mum also lives very close. On the way home I called her and said we were on our way so she could pop in briefly for an hour. This kept her happy and we had a few days peace after that - then it was my birthday so she wanted to come again but that was 4 days later. Then I had to put my foot down and say that we wanted the rest of the time until DP went back to work to ourselves.

If I were you I would allow a brief early visit, preferably both grannies at the same time, then tell them both that you need space with the 3 of you together. This will give them what they want, the chance to see their grandchild, but then give you the space afterwards.

Grandmothers get ridiculously excited about seeing their grandchildren - don't deprive them of the opportunity. I think if you do it early, perhaps when you get back from hospital, give them one hour, then you can have some time to yourselves.

harverina · 05/05/2010 17:35

As above, I think that if I was a granny for the first time I would be desperate to see my gradnchid - BUT I would remember what it was like in those first few days at home and only visit for an hour or so at a time. The first weeks with a new baby are for you and you husband to enjoy together. Its for bonding and learning and sleeping when you can. When I was pregnant I made it clear to everyone that they had to call before they visited once I had given birth and also made it clear that visits should be short for our sake and for the sake of our baby. If your breastfeeding, the first few days will be really difficult - you are likely to be feeding on demand and be shattered. You dont need someone hanging around the huse - as much as you and your husband may love your MIL, you will feel like you have a guest and that you have to look after her and you wont need this during the first days at home. Dont feel guilty about hurting your mum's feeings - you are not saying that she cannot visit, simply that you dont want her to be staying for a few days. 4 hours isnt that far to travel - she could stay one night in a hotel or B&B when baby first arrives so that she can see you all at the hosp, then go home.

zebedeethezebra · 05/05/2010 17:37

Oh no, I've just seen she wants to come and stay! One night only tell her.

mistletoekisses · 05/05/2010 17:41

YANBU to want a little space. Not at all - you have every right to want that.

But I do think YABU to tell her to wait 5 days. My mum came into see me as soon as I was out of theatre with DS1. With DS2, she was there when he was a day old (she was babysitting DS1). I know space is important, but I wouldn't dream of asking my mum to wait 5 days to see her grandchild.

Is there no room for compromise somewhere? Maybe let her come and see your DC straightaway, but then ask the visit to be very short?

withorwithoutyou · 05/05/2010 17:44

I had this with my Mum.

She didn't ask - just whenever I mentioned first coming out of hospital she'd mutter under her breath "well I'll be there then".

I finally asked her what she meant. She had decided that she was going to come and stay the week the baby was born to cook and clean and things.

I told her I didn't want her to.

Loads of people told me I'd want her there and I'd change my mind when the baby was born.

I didn't, and was so glad we had it all out before the day.

She did come and visit the day we got out of hospital and the day after, but only for an hour or two and then she went and stayed somewhere else.

I'm pregnant again and she's looking after DD when we're in hospital. I know I need to have the conversation about when she's leaving as I don't want her staying when we get out of hospital. As mean as that sounds I just cannot cope with her domineering ways at the best of times and I know I won't be able to cope with having her around then.

withorwithoutyou · 05/05/2010 17:46

(my Mum lives 4 hours away too)

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 05/05/2010 17:55

You have to stick to what you want and don't be afriad to put her to work when she gets there either. No new mum should be making tea or meals when grandparetns are around in my opionon!

Meglet · 05/05/2010 18:01

yanbu. I had a hateful experience first time round with an em cs and half the family descending on the hospital within hours . They were all merrily chatting away while I was trying to get ds to latch on interspersed with vomiting from the morphine. It was a miserable time for me.

Second time round I made it very clear that everyone had to back off. We didn't really see anyone for a few days .

5 days sounds fine to me if thats what you feel comfortable with.

GetThePartyStarted · 05/05/2010 18:09

My family and DH's family all came to see DS the day after he was born, which was really tiring but then they did not come for another week or 2 so DP, DS and I got some time as a family. I arranged it this way because otherwise we would have had at least 2 x 2 hour visits every day from various different people which I (correctly!) thought I wouldn't be up to! Neither family is good at accepting hints, and all expect tea/snacks/meals to be made for them grrrr.

We told them in advance and they were all okay with it.

TBH I would have liked to have stayed completely in my little bubble for a month, but I appreciated that everyone wanted to meet DS so forced myself to be sociable!