to want a bit of space before my mother turns up after birth of first baby

[Cat111]

At 38 weeks I am feeling stressed for the first time during my wonderful pregnancy. Last night my mother announced that as soon as baby was coming DH had to call her and she would hop straight into the car and come to see us (she lives four hours' drive away).

While I understand her wish to see her first grandchild as soon as possible, I just want a few days for DH and I to take baby home and figure things out for ourselves as I feel this is a very special time for us.

Matters not helped by fact that other granny lives close to us so will see baby - but then I know will butt out after having a look, whereas my mother approaches everything like a bull in a china shop.

My mother will feel that this is unfair and be very upset but totally overwhelmed by idea of having her crashing around in our tiny cottage telling us what to do, and trying to deal with her while also trying to enjoy first days as a three-person family rather than a couple.

Am I being...

My parents have been fab both times; we invited them to come and see me and DD1 in hospital an hour before the end of visiting, they came and left to go home. With DD2 both they and the PILs were keen to visit on the day she was born and were told by my DH that they could do so from X to Y but then we'd want to get used to being a family of four before any more visits were arranged.

All initial visits were done in hospital so no cups of tea were made and by making our hopes clear from the outset no-one was disappointed with the time they got. What mattered to them was to see us with their grandchildren as soon as possible and, knowing that we'd put a limit on visits, being visited so soon wa actually fine.

I didn't tell my mother that I was in labour not indeed that dd (her first grandchild) had been born until it was definitely too late for her to jump on a train that day for exactly that reason. Send pics via phone/e-mail (make a big fuss about this) then specify a date that suits you and explain why.

Oh, and remember you can always use the fall back excuse (and truth!) of "I don't know what time the midwife will be coming to see us, I'll call you once they've been" to avoid people coming over.

YANBU. I had exactly the same issues with my MIL (my Mum also lives nearby). I got so stressed about it I made DH phone up his parents and ask them to give us at least 2 weeks after the birth which they agreed to...

...then ds arrived at 34 weeks. They arrived the day after the birth (uninvited), insisted on visiting him in intensive care (only 2 people allowed to visit at once so ds and I forced to sit in the corridor. When he was discharged 3 weeks later they then arrived again. A close friend offered to put them up and they literally only slept there and even arrived at our house to clean their teeth, shower etc.

The result of all this is that I still feel angry four years later and don't feel that I will ever be able to forgive them for making a stressful time even worse.

Christ no - YANBU! My mother arrived the day I went in to be induced and rang the delivery suite so often that my midwife eventually asked me to just call her on my mobile. It was not a cheerful or chatty conversation!

They then came in to the hospital as soon as DS was born and weren't happy when I said that MIL was visiting during the evening.

They stayed for a week (in our bed, despite me having an EMCS) and by the time they left I was never so glad to see the back of anyone in my life. Am due again in July and she's bloody booked a flight over again without consulting me on dates! Have been pissed off about this since she informed me in a round-robin-type-email addressed to me, my DB and DS!

(Big deep breaths.....)

I had cs with number 1, so a few days in hospital helped me enormously, especially with restricted visiting hours, and I got dd to feed v nicely before we came home.

With number 2, I was home 20 hours after the normal birth, had a few hours of sleep, and all 3 GPs came over together to see ds, bring dd from the nursery on the way. We had a couple of hours together, and then the GPs all left, and our little family had a few days getting used to ds, who also thus was able to feed nicely in peace.

I am so lucky that my parents and MIL are such common sense people and waited for me or dp to call if we needed help.

In fact, a week after the birth I ended up taking MIL to the supermarket to shop, as she couldn't drive after falling over and breaking her wrist. We ended up helping each other, and still chat about these things today.

When DC1 was born in the middle of the night DH drove to his parents house to tell them. He rang my parents though. They all arrived for visiting the next day, plus all our brothers/sister and partners. Despite feeling bad I wouldn't have wanted anything else. My mum had been taking me back and forth to hospital for weeks, helping me out for weeks before anyway.
Then once we were at home family and friends just popped in whenever they wanted or we went to there houses. I was quite ill but my mum and DH coped, shopping, looking after baby etc. MIL worked so was not available to help so often.
With DC2 PIL had DC1 whilst I was in hospital and they arrived within an hour of the delivery so that DC1 could see baby and chose his name. Despite DH being a full hands on dad I couldn't & wouldn't have wanted to do this without my mum and the rest of the family and I really hope my children feel the same when they give me grandchildren.

So yes I do think that YABU sorry

Sterny and Gwennie am so for you both, that's terrible!!!

My MIL was desperate to be at the birth until I asked her whether she'd have wanted her mother in law present at the birth of her babies. She said she wouldn't have wanted her own mother present...

However, while I was in labour she and FIL kept phoning the hospital and complaining that I'd been in labour far too long and that they should wheel me off for a section immediately. I think they were just desperate to finally meet dd.

Thanks guys. Taking all of this on board. Listening to other peoples' experiences, maybe the best option is to let her make an early visit while I am in hospital but also let her know that DH, baby and I need time to bond together.

Very good points about the breast feeding too!

I think that having her staying around for a week - which is the kind of time-scale she seems to be planning - is a bit much though.

Maybe she could come for an early visit while I'm still in hospital and then come back another time after our new team of three (baby, DH and I) have had time to get used to each other!

Maybe she wants to bond?
Maybe as a new gm, living 4 hours away, she'd like to be there visiting her ds and dil, wanting to lend any support needed.
Waiting with the other grandmother out in the waiting room, to see the baby, stay a bit then go.

Then,visiting you at hone.
Staying at local B&B and visiting you when you wanted, hopefully once a day. She could bring lunch or something.
Would it be ok if maybe that is what she does? She can have fun being on a little getaway and hit the shops and local attraction for short week, then go back home.