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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DP should be at home to say goodnight to his DS?

31 replies

MakeEndsMeet · 04/05/2010 20:51

I am so mad! Btw this is the first time I've posted here.

Anyway 'D'P has been at uni all day, even finsihed late because he had to prepare for a project he's doing tomorrow. But then decided he was going to go out for a few drinks, sending me a text asking if it was ok even though he'd be going anyway. I could say no but it wouldnt make a difference. I sent him a reply to say he was going to miss DS's bedtime, something I think he should be here for unless it is unavoidable. I've told him this so many times yet he chooses to use his spare time drinking with his friends.
I just thought that seeing as the next few weeks are so busy for him he'd want to spend some time with us when he can.

By the way it's not like he doesnt go out, he is out everyday either at uni or at band practice. I on the other hand spend all my time with my DS going to mum and baby groups, i get up 6 times a week to do the early morning feed so I only get a lie in once a week, I know a luxury for some, I do all the household chores as well. I wont even get a decent night out until june but even then i can't properly let my hair down because i've been put forward to referee his stupid pub golf thing, even though i thought it could be the other way around because I spent my 21st 39 weeks pregnant and doing things HE wanted to do!

So AIBU to ask him to do this one thing? Be home so he can say goodnight to his son?

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 04/05/2010 21:01

You are clearly a v young mum, MEM. But just think, by the time you are the age I was when I started having babies, your dc will be old enough to make you cups of tea and remember where you left your car keys!

I think you should stop trying to control what he does and be more assertive about what you might be doing yourself to continue with your own career or get one off the ground.

Sooner or later you'll have to earn some money. Why aren't you at uni/studying at home/looking for a job etc?

MarionCole · 04/05/2010 21:01

I don't want to be mean to you on your first time posting, but I think the issue is a bit deeper than just bedtime.

If I am honest, I think you're lucky that your DP can ever be there at bedtime. There are millions of parents around the country who work such long hours and have such long commutes that they never get home before bedtime.

It seems to me that you are going a bit stir crazy and that you are resenting the fact that your DP is out at university. I think you need to talk about it to him before the resentment gets too deep.

CatJosephine · 04/05/2010 21:04

YANBU but I do agree with MarionCole. This issue is deeper than bedtime.

I have a similar situation with DH and work/ work drinks. It annoys me intensely. The DC don't care at all but I do.

redskyatnight · 04/05/2010 21:05

YABU to expect your DP to be home for bedtime every night.

YANBU to want more of a "life" for yourself - but tbh it is up to you to sort that out. Why not arrange to go out with a friend one night (or just round to their house for a natter)?

Hulababy · 04/05/2010 21:08

YANBU to expect your DH to come home MOST nights once he has finished at uni or work. Presumably you are bpth your DS's parents and he should take on that responsibility once he has finished working IMO.

Chandra · 04/05/2010 21:08

Actually I disagree, why is it ok for him to be away all day studying and then partying while she has been responsible for the baby?

Band practice is not commuting and going out for a few drinks is not late night work. To be honest, my main worry here is that a precedent is being put in place where she is fully responsible for the children he gets to continue living as if he wasn't a father.

There's nothing wrong with him to put the child to sleep and for him to wake up with the baby more often than he does.

It doesn't matter how young both are, they both have a fully grown up responsibility, that must be shared for the sake of the child and for the sake of the family.

runnybottom · 04/05/2010 21:09

what redsky said. Stand up for yourself and change things.
But should be home for ds's bedtime every night? Why?

Pozzled · 04/05/2010 21:11

YABU to think that he should be there for every bedtime. All parents deserve the odd night off. Including you. Your OP sounds to me that it's not so much bedtime as perhaps jealousy of your DP for having the freedom to go out for the evening. If this is the case, you need to sit down with him and plan some more time when you can get away.

Original poster
MakeEndsMeet · 04/05/2010 21:12

Thanks for your replies. I feel like we talk this to death. I don't mind him going out for the odd drink but he's out everyday, uni is only 3 days a week for him, the days he has off should be time for him to study but instead he goes to help his friend with their hobby of making guitars which ends with band practice and the weekends he uses to write songs for his band.I ask him to spend at least a few hours with us during the weekend but he can't help picking up his guitar and playing with that instead. So basically there are always 2 days a week when he can't be here to say goodnight, the rest of the time he can get home in plenty of time to say goodnight, i wouldnt even mind if he just came home for an hour or so, i wouldn't stop him from going back out again. He is entitled to do what he wishes. I just feel he should be there for DS.

I was studying at university but then dropped out when I found out I was pregnant and made the decision to stay at home for the first year as I do want to go back and take a course in childcare

OP posts:
Chandra · 04/05/2010 21:14

MEM, how old is your child?

fernie3 · 04/05/2010 21:15

If I were you I would expect him to go to uni/work and then come home MOST nights. He has to go out to uni/work but he doesnt have to go out drinking or any other extras. HOWEVER I would not get upset at a few nights every now and then of him being out as long as I had the option to do the same (even if I didnt take it!).
Doesnt matter how old he is he has the same responsibilities as you do. We were 20 when I got pregnant with my daughter and I wouldnt have expected to see my husband goign out drinking or to band practice very often (he would have come back to find the door locked if he tried this every night!)

minipie · 04/05/2010 21:15

YANBU. If he has finished his work at uni then he should be at home with his child and you. Not every night - everyone, both mother and father, needs some time off occasionally - but most nights.

Original poster
MakeEndsMeet · 04/05/2010 21:20

Yes I do feel jealous, and I have tried to arrange to go out with friends, however most of them live miles away from me, at least an hours bus ride which i don't fancy doing with a 5 month old by myself. In the past year only two of my friends has made the effort and stuck to plans we have made to meet up, one of them lives over 200 miles away.

I just don't think its fair that when he decides he fancies a few drinks he'll send me a message asking if its ok with me but not actually caring enough about my response to think maybe he should skip it just this one night?

Plus today was a good day for me up until this point, our DS had rolled over by himself for the first time and DP would have had plenty of time to see if he could do it again for him before his bedtime, it was something I wanted to share with him but he decided he'll probably only end up seeing him do it at the weekend.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2010 21:24

I don't think YABU to expect him to give up at least part of his stoodent lifestyle, step up to the plate, and be a father to your child.

You are being far too soft and making a rod for your own back by not speaking up sooner.

He is (or should be) a responsible family man now. If he doesn't want to do that properly, then show him where the door is.

sleepingsowell · 04/05/2010 21:24

You are being totally reasonable to want him back for the evenings. He's living like a single man and you are the one doing all the work! Where is the Uni he goes to - the 1950's?

Going out for drinks with mates/building guitars/band practice - all fine to do each day after uni unless you have made the choice to be a father and have other responsibilities.

He should come back most nights, of course he should. Don't let him start this pattern. The child is equally your responsibility even if you currently do more hours of childcaring.

fernie3 · 04/05/2010 21:26

I think you need to tell him how resentful you are feeling. He probably doesnt realise by the sounds of it.
I have always found as well that if we "talk" abotu what my husband doesnt do nothing ever changes if we take about what I would "like" him to do it tends to have more effect.
so tell him : I would like you to come home tomorrow to put DS to bed at (insert bedtime here).If he says no (for no good reason) or doesnt bother turning up you will know more clearly where you stand

Chandra · 04/05/2010 21:29

MEM... Take the year out, go back to Uni, to whatever you were studying before getting pregnant, get a job, even things out, because to be honest, if things continue as they are, at some point you won't have anything in common with him.

Original poster
MakeEndsMeet · 04/05/2010 21:30

I've tried so many times to talk to him about this, even telling him I will leave if he doesn't stop acting like a stupid 21 year old because that's not who he is anymore. But he always ends up making me want to stay with him and I do because I love him and I want DS to have the best life we can provide for him.

I understand the course he is doing is important to him, its something he's been wanting to do his whole life but sometimes it's so hard to make him realise he has a family waiting for him at home and sometimes we'd like a bit of his time to actually be a family.

OP posts:
compo · 04/05/2010 21:33

i don't want to sound nosey
but can he afford to go out drinking?
if he is only at uni 3 days and you don't work either how can you afford for him not to get a part time job???

AnyFucker · 04/05/2010 21:36

You can't make him want to do it, love

Decide for you what you are prepared to tolerate

Personally, I wouldn't stomach the father of my child acting like a single man with me waiting at home like some sort of housewifely drudge with sex on tap for him.

You are meant to parent your child as a team

The balance of power is wildly swinging in his favour here, he has you over a barrel while you continue to tolerate it

Making empty threats is futile...he has already figured out you will continue to cook, clean, look after his child and service him domestically

Jesus, if someone was willing to do that, I would soon start treating them with less and less respect, tbh

I suggest you sort it out, or ship out. It will only get worse. I am sorry.

Original poster
MakeEndsMeet · 04/05/2010 21:37

My plan is to study a course next year at the local college as it will have flexible hours. He does keep telling me I should go out and have a life, but its kind of impossible to do that when you have friends who treat you differently now you're seen as a mum and I haven't made any friends really where I live, just aqauintances.

I just really want some of my old life back, where I'm seen as a person, and not the mum of DS.

Can I just thank you all for your advice, it's actually making me see things clearer

OP posts:
Chandra · 04/05/2010 21:56

As someone who put EVERYTHING to the side to support the dreams of the person I loved, I can tell you one thing...

Don't do it.

Because once they get their dreams, they become condescending and later accuse you of being a burden to them or someone who slows them down, even when it was your hard work, support and sacrifice that helped them get to where they are.

Even things out, for yourself, for your baby, and for your relationship.

Don't limit your prospects now you have a child, or change what you wanted to do. I'm sure if I had not 'pruned' my dreams so much to fit my new family life, I would be in a better position to provide for DS now that his father is gone.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2010 22:00

good advice, chandra

I would further qualify that to say, never give yourself up for a man

ever

Original poster
MakeEndsMeet · 04/05/2010 22:07

I made the decision to put my dreams aside for the first year of my DS's life, and that I will be doing what i want next year, time for him to make sacrifices then.

As soon as he plans to 'honour' me with his presence we are going to have a talk about what's what. I am adamant about that. What's really pissing me off now is that he's promised to make dinner so I didn't get anything else in that would be really quick to make like I would have done usually.

Have had to resort to eating the chocolate he was saving but oh well, I deserve something for being stuck in by myself all night.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2010 22:26

MEM, what sacrifices is he making ?

None, as far as I can see...