to be angry with DH for not having a life, career or money?

[Bena1]

Just had a baby boy. Feel grounded, alone and miserable. I take out all my frustrations out on DH whether it's his fault or not. Reasonable/unreasonable?

Sounds like you need to talk to your GP about PND.

So what does he contribute? Seeing as you've got a child maybe he should get a life? Does he work at all

yes unreasonabnle to take your frustrations out on someone else.

Presumably when you married him he had a life, career and money so why is it suddenly a problem?

It is hard to adjust to having a baby, especially ni the first few months when you are stuck at home and have to sacrifice your old habits, but it will get better. You can have a life too, and a career, and money, it's your choice.

Talking to someone about getting help for possible pnd is a good idea.

I think she means for HER not having a life, career or money. I think

oh I am sorry, I thought you where frustrated with him for having a life, career and money, my mistake.

But still, if it has always been this way presumably it was your choice to marry him and have a child with him despite him having nothing to offer.

Who earns the money in your relationship then? Is all the pressure on you? That is of course going to be hard.

Where's the OP, we need clarification!

But it depends on whether he's just a wasteman. The impression I got from the post is he doesn't work and just sits there taking up sofa space. Money is needed when there's a baby so if he's just sitting there it's unacceptable

Am wondering too whether its OP herself or OP's dh being referred to here..

I think the op is saying she has none of those things because she has had a baby, and she blames the DH?

Yes, Fluffyvacuity is right - I mean by own life, career etc. No, the pressure isn't on me to earn and no it isn't PND. I am sure of that. I've just moved from London and don't really know anyone here ( Nigeria!), had to leave my job etc etc. Just feeling down and grumpy and taking out my frustrations out on DH , which I know is slightly unfair (though didn't ask to move away). I just wanted to know if others feel/do the same. Whether all the sacrifices make women slightly erratic EVEN if one plans for a child and wants one. I know here on mumsnet you read constantly about how "well you wanted a child" etc etc. But aren't feelings like completely feeling trapped and overwhelmed, natural - without it being PND!??

haha DH is not a wasteman! He's a reasonable man who works hard and earns well, well enough that I have a very good lifestyle and don't have to worry about money. He is a good father as well. I just feel my feelings aren't taken into consideration always and maybe why I get cranky and take it out on him.

YABU

Presumably he didn't get you pregnant without your knowledge or agreement and you must have known having a baby = no job for a while.

How you can say you have no life when you have just had the most amazing thing, I don't know.

I think that you would be better posting on the Overseas Topic to get opinions from others in your situation.

As I understand it, you are in Nigeria, have a young baby and are finding it tough? Is that correct?

How long have you been in Nigeria? Are you there long term?

fabisgoingtogetfit - glad you wrote this as this is EXACTLY the attitude you read about all the time re: you wanted to get pregnant, you knew you were pregnant etc, just had a baby what could be better. BUT aren't women who want babies allowed to feel down and overwhelmed and trapped? I find your attitude so black and white which is probably the simpler and easier way to look at things. I\m not like that though. I think women need to learn to be a bit more open about how they feel instead of saying well you wanted this so live with it. And one can feel this way without it being PND or some other medical condition.

yes being aboard makes a difference but how many women feel this without being away from home. Please don't say we planned our babies and knew what was in store so no we're completely content!

Fab
Just because she has a baby does not mean that she is not allowed to feel a bit down.

Two massive changes in a life: Moving to a foreign country and having a baby.

No wonder you feel a bit overwhelmed.

I think that feelings of being trapped and overwhelmed can be totally natural.
Especially if you are in a foreign country with no friends with whom you can share these feelings and manage to overcome them.

"Just feeling down and grumpy and taking out my frustrations out on DH , which I know is slightly unfair"

yabu. Slightly unfair?you are being completely unfair to treat someone else badly just because you are feeling hormonal.

I felt like I had no life after my first dd was born. I didn't take it out on my dh though.

OP, I felt the same after having DD, I had to stay at home for 9 months on mat leave and hated it.

I had no money (was paid SMP which went straight into paying bills), I had no friends in the area at all, and just felt like I had lost my life and sense of identity. DH could still work, see his friends, earn money (even if it was for the both of us, I wasn't happy at not being able to contribute myself).

So I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, it is a very normal feeling under such circumstances.

What helped me was to get out each day, even if it was a walk to the shops, and also joining lots of baby groups, then being brave enough to ask mums over for coffee afterwards.

I don't know whether this is feasible where you live - do you have any groups nearby? Or just somewhere you can sit on a warm day and read/drink coffee whilst baby sleeps? It all helps.

If you can chat to DH and let him know how you are feeling - maybe he can take over with baby one weekend and you can get out and about a bit?

It does get easier as baby gets bigger and more responsive, and as you begin to find your feet.

I have since had baby number 2 and have quit my job because I love being at home with them both this time around.

HTH

I never said she couldn't feel down. My issue was her blaming her DH for it.

OP, I think what you are feeling is normal and natural, I certainly felt it. It is hard to adjust to such a big change, and in your case you have two huge changes in one go. My DD was very much planned and wanted, but I still didn't really know how hard it would be, and I think that's true for many- especially if you haven't much experience of children/babies.

On the other hand, YABU to take this out on your DH, as you know. It's not his fault. Does he know how you are feeling? I would try to sit down with him at some point, explain how you feel and together identify some things you can do to change this. vanimal has some really good advice about getting out, talking to others in the same situation. It also really helped me to get a few hours away from my DD every now and again, just to feel a bit more normal.

It will get easier!

Vanimal, thanks. It is very reassuring to hear you felt the same way. Money isn't an issue but I would like to earn my own and feel independent - so totally agree with you. I agree that going out helps. Every time I have I feel much better. I am finding it difficult to talk to DH because I feel he doesn't understand, I mean he really gets surprised when I express what I feel and then I feel like an idiot feeling the way I do. He thinks I'm some career crazy woman who wants financial independence and I'm really not like that (probably come across that way when I fight with him though!) From him it's the same attitude -you have a baby, great weather, no need to work - why feel down?

Maybe he should join Mumsnet

Interesting that you decided to stay at home after having your second baby. Did you ever take your frustrations out on DH or am I the only looney here?