to be angry with DH for not having a life, career or money?

[Bena1]

Just had a baby boy. Feel grounded, alone and miserable. I take out all my frustrations out on DH whether it's his fault or not. Reasonable/unreasonable?

I can understand how you could (slightly irrationally) blame your husband for having 'no life'. As a woman, naturally your whole life changes when you have a baby, and it can seem that the man just carries on as normal. It is easy to feel a bit resentful.

However, you just have to embrace the changes, see them as a positive thing, make lots of friends in the same situation and enjoy life as a Mum.

YANBU to be frustrated, I 'got a life' 2 half days a week when my DS was 5.5 months and it was bloody brilliant! I now enjoy the other 5 days with him soo much more. Having my own non mum life, even for just a few hours a week, makes me a better mum. Full time SAHM is not for everyone.

And I do some times get the usual "why did you have a baby if you don't want to stay at home looking after it". Oh FO!!! its only 2 bloody days and it means that DS is being raised in a happy household

you know YABU to take it out on your DH. But its not as unusual as this thread implies IMO, I have often chatted to other mums when I was still on mat leave about how we thought "well at least you got to go out and have a grown up day" if our DHs dared to complain after a hard days work! yes its unreasonable, but also quite 'normal', and as long as you are aware of what you're doing and talk to your OH about your feelings, it shouldnt do any long term damage to your relationship - especially if you do go back to at least part time work or study if that's what you need to make a happy family!

Thanks ladies! I actually feel better and will TRY not to take it all out on DH.

Salbysea, I agree that being away for a while makes me calmer and I enjoy my baby a lot more. I haven't had much chance to get away but when I have ( like going upstairs by myself for half an hour) I feel happier. I'm sure when I do go out on my own, which I can't wait for, I will be doing all of this 'being a mum and wife thing' being happier and less cranky.

Accomplishment: today I went for a walk on my own

Bena - you are very open about your feelings in a way which many of us wouldn't be in RL.
I can sort of understand it, although I never felt it myself because I hated my work and loved being at home with a baby. I felt I had much more freedom with a new baby than being at work having to jump through the organisational hoops.

But when I was in this position I knew lots of other like-minded women; I was mobile; I did some voluntary work; I enjoyed being able to catch up on my reading and most of all I enjoyed my baby - the greatest of all novelties, a joy, an achievement and endlessly fascinating. I wanted to be there.

Could it be that what you lack is not so much paid work, but the company of adults, mobility and some intellectual challenge?

Elasticwoman, thanks for understanding. Yes, maybe I need adult company and definitely need intellectual challenge! Also, just a bit of fun. I do miss having financial independence though regardless of whether I need to earn my own or not. It's a different feeling earning your own.

YABU a bit for taking it out on DH when he sounds like he provides for you very well, but I do totally understand the sense of being stuck at home with child and no life.

I didn't feel it when mine were babies but definitely as they are older. I work but not in a job I would LOVE to do, as I tend to need to be the one to pick up the childcare and sick-child slack.

Get out there and make some friends, you won't be the only one in that boat I am sure!

Bena1 I also understand about financial independence. No matter how much my DH was earning I hope to always be earning SOMETHING so that I know that if anything happens to him, I am already in work and would just need to increase it.

I think in that circumstance its far easier to work MORE than to get back into work after a long break

I would just find it too scary to not have the reassurance that I have the ability to earn. I don't mind DH earning the lions share, but I often wonder what some SAHMs (ones who dont keep any fingers in any pies) would do if their OH s earning power suddenly ended for whatever reason

Totally agree with SalbySea.

I could never have stayed home all the time, it would have made me miserable. When my children were small I worked part time, and then full time once they were all in school. Being at home can be very isolating. It's not just about earning money, it's needing the intellectual challenge, the cut and thrust of working life.

YABU to take it out on your DH, but I think you know that. Talk to him instead and see how you can improve things

1. Never follow a man's career. Make him follow you.
2. Work full time even with babies - it's much more fun

1. For now may be find a full time job out there and you might find that's more fun. I have no idea why anyone would want to be home with a baby all the time.

OP, I did take it out on DH, and apparently, I still do (even though I love being at home with them).

They are husbands and fathers, they need to put up with the consequences of both. So if you feel down about it, resetful, jealous or whatever you need to be able to let your OH know this.

How about joining an online book club (MN do one) as a start?

Hmm. Bena, how keen is your H on you staying at home and doing housework and childcare? If he thinks that because you don't have a penis, the domestic world is all you need ie is resistant to the idea of you going out/socialising/thinking about a part time job or an income, then it's not that unfair of you to get frustrated with him. Presumably it's at his instigation and for the benefit of his career that you have moved abroad, away from your support systems - he does need to understand that you need friends, adult company and interests beyond the contents of a nappy.