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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mother in law pain in the a** - AIBU?

35 replies

upset0808 · 02/05/2010 23:34

I have a 5 month old daughter (1st) and I want to shout and SCREAM at my 66 y.o. mother in law but feel I have to bite my tongue because she's going to do the babysitting when I return to work at the end of the year. She picks up my daughter whenever she wants, even when my daughter is happy just kicking her legs and gurgling at the telly on her changing mat. Today took the biscuit, baby was screaming the house down and I knew it was because she was too hot, as I went to undress her a bit my mother in law took her off me!!!! I wanted to scream at her "I know what I'm doing!!!" but didn't and baby carried on screaming in her arms as she was making her hotter with her holding her and her body heat. When I first had her she used to ask if she could pick her up but now she doesn't. When my sister in law had my first nephew, I wouldn't dream of just picking him up without her permission! AIBU???

OP posts:

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:40

No, of course your not BU - not at all. But your going to find that 90% of us on here have experienced exactly the same thing.

With dd, my MIL drove me crazy - think she learned. This time round, with ds, my mother is doing everything youve just said. Very tempted to scream fuck off at her today. Having said that, its annoying as hell but I know she means well, shes trying to help in her own mad way.

Your very lucky to have her to take care of baby when you return to work though..

madcatsazz · 02/05/2010 23:47

also had stacks of similar problems with MIL but over the years (dd now 3.8) I have 'got some courage' and tactfully (and sometimes not so tactfully) asked her not to do things. In fact, sometimes I have just waded in and undone what she is doing. Even now she will say something like - I don't think she should have that drink, she should have some water - and I will overrule her if I feel the need because at the end of the day, this is my was of doing things. In the early days, I actually stopped wanting to go to theirs and had a mini breakdown on DP trying to explain how she takes over. That same afternoon, I was feeding 7mth old DD and I put down the spoon to wipe her face. MIL actually picked up the bowl and spoon, stepped in front of me and continued to feed her. One fierce glare at newly understanding DP and he told his mum to hand back the food to me as I was fine as I was. She's learnt not to interfere so much but it takes time and confidence to assert yourself.

Dollytwat · 02/05/2010 23:49

YANBU but you are going to have to find a way of communicating with her if she's going to be looking after your DD, because if when she does things her way you are going to need to be able to say something.

Can you sit down with her and work out a plan for all the things you think are important? Include her and maybe even give a little on some of the things you don't care too much about?

She'll feel she has a right to your DD if you're not careful and tactful in how you approach it.

whatsgoingtohappen · 02/05/2010 23:50

It will only get worse when she starts looking after her I'd look for alternative childcare.

PiratePrincess · 02/05/2010 23:52

You want her to ask you when she wants to pick up her granddaughter?!

YABU.

moondog · 02/05/2010 23:54

Will she be allowed to 'pick up your daughter whenever she wants' when she is caring for her while you work?

How much will you be paying her by the way?

Lighten up and be glad your baby has attentive loving people around her-so many don't.

zipzap · 02/05/2010 23:58

If she starts taking her off you when you don't want her to then I think you have to be big and brave and count to 10 then go over to her say, oh that's a nice little cuddle you've had with granny, now you need to come back to mummy so we can finish [whatever it is you were doing].

It's very difficult to do I know - but it's one of those things you need to get used to doing if you have a mil like this otherwise it is going to get worse not better, especially if she gets used to regularly looking after your dd and therefore feeling comfortable around her and you.

But I have found that talking to your dd in times like this and telling her what you are about to do (ie take her away from granny), talking constantly (eg in this case chattering about how she needs to cool down, take clothes off etc) makes it more difficult for your mil to interrupt and undermine you as you are not really talking to her and not giving her a chance to talk while you are doing it.

Also if there is something that your mil is doing that is making the situation worse like in this instance you need to include that in your chatter but in a nice way - so say something like ...and isn't it a shame you can't have any nice cuddles with granny or anyone at the moment because that just makes you all hot and grumpy, poor old granny didn't know that's what heat does to you did she - it's not fair I know but we'll let granny know when you've cooled down and can have a nice cuddle again... yadda yadda yadda

And put in plenty of little sweeteners about how she can have a cuddle later but also put the message in there about granny not knowing about your dd in this situation and what needs to be done to rectify it. Just keep up a long stream of chatter to your daughter about what you are doing and why and how it impacts on you and her and others in the room and hopefully your mil will start to get the picture as well as not being able to change the conversation back to what she thinks. And if she tries to take your dd, you need to keep counting (maybe only up to 5 after the first time and just keep repeating sorry granny, I don't think you heard me say that I needed to do xyz for dd, and then turn directly back to dd and start back on the chattering to your dd.

practise doing this in your head over and over so you can do it in real life. NOt going to be easy but practice will help - both in your head and in reality!

Firawla · 03/05/2010 00:25

If you feel like this I don't think you should get her to do childcare, but rather have an alternative because it sounds like it will cause more issues for you

PatsyStone · 03/05/2010 00:39

yanbu for getting pissed off with your mil when she takes dd off you, but yabu to let her. Just say "no, I'm handling this my way", what can she do? I never understand people who meekly let others ride all over them and silently fume about it, or take it out on their dp later. It will eat you up if you allow it, especially if she will be providing childcare for you. So you either deal with it at the time, or learn to let some things go.

I would rather my 5 month old was getting a nice cuddle from its nana than watching tv tbh.

Casmama · 03/05/2010 00:50

It sounds like your mil is being a bit of a pain but you could be more assertive without being rude. "Sorry MIL, but please don't pick her up just now as she is too hot and needs to cool down"

Also love zipzaps advice re chatting to baby.

You seriously need to think about childcare tthough because if you are going to be working full time then your child will be spending more awake time with your MIL than she will with you and this problem will only get much worse.

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2010 01:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaTrek · 03/05/2010 09:09

YABU

If your baby was too hot, and you knew this, then it is up to you to tell your MIL this (politely).

I'm not saying that my MIL didn't really annoy me when my son was little, just that, in the big scheme of things, it is so minor looking back. I really was bitter and twisted over mine for many years, and I so regret the wasted time.

ShowOfHands · 03/05/2010 09:17

Okay this is your baby and as she's your PFB, I'll be gentle.

Get a grip.

Seriously, that woman loves her grandaughter. What you are essentially saying is 'she cuddles her, wanders over and cuddles her, how very dare she'. Can you hear how ridiculous that sounds. She wants to shower affection on this little person that is the child of her own much loved son. And hearing her baby grandaughter cry and cuddling her is far from anything to be getting your knickers in a twist over.

If you know dd is hot and needs to undress a little, use your voice to express this. Seething and grumping isn't communication. Let your MIL love her grandaughter, this is a special time for her too.

MmeLindt · 03/05/2010 09:24

Look at your DD and think about the love that you have for her.

Now, think about how you will feel about her in 35 years.

That is the love that your MIL feels for your DH. And his DD is an extension of that love.

She obviously adores her DGD but is slightly too enthusiastic about showing her love.

Let her know how to calm your DD - she will find it easier when she starts looking after her when you go back to work.

runnybottom · 03/05/2010 09:51

YABU. Permission to pick up her own GC?

Agree, get a grip!

mumbar · 03/05/2010 09:55

YABU she is going to be looking after your child soon and needs to learn what her cries etc are for. All it needed was a polite oh thats her cry cos shes hot could you take x peice of clothing off her while your holding her please. There job done dd happy MIL knows what cry means.

2rebecca · 03/05/2010 09:58

The asking permission thing sounds totally bonkers. I agree that if you thought your child was too hot then when your mil tried to take your daughter off you you should have refused to pass her over and told her you were undressing her as she's too hot.
It sounds as though you need to be more assertive. If you don't want your MIL to pick your daughter up at a particular time then just say so "can you please leave her a minute, she's happy and kicking her legs is good for her."
If she's doing it often enough to annoy you then see less of her for a bit. Fussing grandparents don't seem as bad when you get plenty of time to parent your child your way.

thehillsarealive · 03/05/2010 09:59

if this bothers you so much, then do not get her to look after your DD while you go to work. The resentment will build and you will seeth away day and night. Not a good thing for any of you.

I agree with SOH & mdmlindt - your MIL is doing a nice thing, if you cant say "she is too hot, lets take some clothes off first then you can have a cuddle" you need to put this in perspective.

GeekOfTheWeek · 03/05/2010 09:59

YABU in expecting her to ask prior to cuddles. She's not a random women she's your dds gran.

If you are trying to change her etc then just say. Not really an issue imo.

I find it odd that you are happy for the childcare when you return to work but are not happy for her to pick up without permission.

GiraffeYoga · 03/05/2010 10:10

Can see why you are annoyed but YABU, in fact ridiculous. Agree with others, you need to get a grip !

She hardly sounds like a pain in the arse. Just normal MIL to me...

You cant have everything. You are getting childcare from her that I might guess (please correct me if not) that you are not going to pay her for and you are denying her a chance to get hands on and spend time with her GC? Lots of people on here would be glad of childcare free of charge.

I suggest you work on getting over it as when the baby is with her and you are working she will have full control and you will have none- and unless you sort this out it will bite your arse like nothing else....

SalFresco · 03/05/2010 10:44

YABU to expect your MIL to ask before she picks up her GC. ANd I speak as someone who has many, many issues with my MIL (just last weekend she refused - yes, refused - to hand back my screaming, hungry, breastfed DS2, to be fed, becuase she "doesn't get to cuddle him enough")

But I also declined my MIL's offer of childcare - I knew that it would never ever work, and I think this is something you need to think about.

violethill · 03/05/2010 10:45

Agree totally with GiraffeYoga.

And actually this issue crops up again and again on MN - the detail changes, but the issue is essentially the same:

"I want free/cheap childcare from a grandparent but I want to retain total control over every aspect of the care".

Get a grip. If you aren't happy with some aspects of how she cares for your child, then look for proper, regulated childcare where you can all the shots. So many people seem to think they have to take up the option of free or cheap childcare if its offered by a relative - but it really isn't an advantage if it isn't what you'd choose. I would rather pay ten times over for what I believe is right for my child rather than take the cheaper option.

I still think you need to lighten up though, because your dd would still see her grandmother, even if you sort out proper childcare, and you need to stop being so controlling.

hobbgoblin · 03/05/2010 10:50

You need to learn to be assertive. Silently screaming to yourself isn't helping anyone.

Personally I wouldn't be held to ransom over childcare and would re-think that plan entirely if it is going to be an issue. If you can be assertive, though, it needn't become one.

YABU for not being firmer but not BU for being pissed off at her over-involvement.

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2010 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

traceybath · 03/05/2010 13:59

As always showofhands is wise, kind and correct so do listen to her

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