mother in law pain in the a** - AIBU?

[upset0808]

I have a 5 month old daughter (1st) and I want to shout and SCREAM at my 66 y.o. mother in law but feel I have to bite my tongue because she's going to do the babysitting when I return to work at the end of the year. She picks up my daughter whenever she wants, even when my daughter is happy just kicking her legs and gurgling at the telly on her changing mat. Today took the biscuit, baby was screaming the house down and I knew it was because she was too hot, as I went to undress her a bit my mother in law took her off me!!!! I wanted to scream at her "I know what I'm doing!!!" but didn't and baby carried on screaming in her arms as she was making her hotter with her holding her and her body heat. When I first had her she used to ask if she could pick her up but now she doesn't. When my sister in law had my first nephew, I wouldn't dream of just picking him up without her permission! AIBU???

YABU Your MIL probably thinks she is helping, if you don't tell her. I would have loved it if my M or MIL had taken my screaming babies. I remember my mother handing one of mine back because her nose needed wiping .

Is it because you have other "issues" with her? Why not just say something?

Zipzap, thank you I think I will use that. You are right. And as for everyone saying I'm BU for her to ask, what would you say if you were quite happy googling to your daughter on her changing mat and she just picked her up from you while you were playing with her? Are you telling me that ISN'T unreasonable??? She can do what she wants when I'm not there because she is a good grandmother I know. But when I am there she makes me feel like a crap mum as if I'm invisible if you like. I am only going to allow her to have her once a week when I return to work. But like I say, when I'm not there she is an angel, she puts her to sleep and everything. But it's a whole different story when I am. My friend told me like Patsystone said "I can handle her thank you" I may give that a try as well. When you've had three miscarriages, you already feel like an incapable parent, without anyone helping it along. Thanks guys

p.s. 2rebecca I have tried what you say, where I have told her to leave her but that lasted all of 2hrs. I have also tried telling her what to do with my daughter but she seems to ignore and thinks what she does is best (including putting a nappy on DD backwards while DD screaming head off). Again, feeling invisible.

My MIL used to help us with childcare but, for a variety of annoying reasons, I now employ childcare instead. Not great for the finances but the professional distance is better. She also used to charge us but not her daughter when she has her dc even though she is financially better off than us! Happy now though (all of us).

How much time are you spending with your MIL? Maybe it would be worth cutting back on the visits if it's getting too much?

p.p.s. she will be getting paid as she is already getting paid by DP and he is giving her money on top of what she already has, but looking at what you guys have said I'm going to look at proper childcare

Plenty of good advice here.

OP, you say :"...she makes me feel like a crap mum as if I'm invisible if you like."

The thing is that YOU have the choice of how you feel, & respond to her. You choose to let her be the parent & you feel like a child. You must learn to see her as an equal. Just deal with the situation with confidence 'I'll have her back now' & take her, that kind of thing.

Be brave! Show her who's boss! But make sure there are no hard feelings - there will doubtless be times when she does know better than you & you will have to accept her advice with grace, or risk looking silly.

Get alterntive childcare when you go back to work.

My mil like this - we've wrestled with ds when a babay.

I've told her to back off - have to keep saying it.

You are the mum - set ground rules when you are around - get dh to set them with her if you are happy about her looking after dd.

If this is how you feel, using her as cheap childcare isn't going to work. How often do you see her now ?

Not intended to be a sob story but, my mother died unexpectedly, at under 60 when I was preg with my first DD, my MIL died when DD1 was 2.5 adn DD2 14 months...........I have no other family.So I sometimes do find it hard to understand those who seem not to want help from MIL......even if she does try to take over.

Lettign granny cuddle etc is surely a small price to pay for help, guidacne adn loving childcare. Bite yuor tongue and if there is a prcatical problem ,as when yuo thought baby was hot, just say " hey, (whatever name is) just let me take off ehr top, I hitnk she is hot"
Use her willingness to help, get a break when she is there, take a walk orread a mag or paper, let her bond individually and get a break yuorself.