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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that being "just a mum" is perfectly fine, thank you very much!

32 replies

SirBoobAlot · 02/05/2010 22:58

Ugh. I bumped into an old acquaintance in town today, waiting at the bus stop (so couldn't escape!). We knew each other when we were a lot younger, and always had a bit of a one-upmanship going on.

Anyway - when she found out I was pregnant last year she was very negative about it, and that was when I kind of realised she was never going to grow out of the childish "Anything you can do, I can do better" soundtrack that seemed to accompany our interactions.

So today I saw her, and asked smilingly how she was, what she was doing etc. She said she's happy, studying at uni and working really hard in a part time job. She then smiled at me and said, "So what about you? Are you doing anything? Or just being a mum?"

Now I know it shouldn't have got to me, but it bloody well did. This parenting lark is rather difficult and it made me feel like I wasn't doing anything with my life any more. I didn't raise to it, just smiled back and went on about how wonderful it is being a mum (which is so true, its the best thing that has ever happened to me ).

But its really got my goat! She hasn't got children, and I'm sure that if she does have them one day down the line she will understand how hectic days can be with a six month old, but its made me feel a little undervalued. If for no other reason than if I wasn't disabled and 18, then I would only just be going back to work anyway.

grumbles SO - AIBU to be perfectly satisfied with being "just" a mum? Or more likely, do I need to chill out and stop over-reacting?

OP posts:

2shoes · 02/05/2010 23:02

yanbu(and a lovely mum)
I had a similar thing form a competive cow
old friend, she was very dismisive of me being a SAHM..............cos she works!!!
yet she knows my situation.
I don't see her...

cornsilk · 02/05/2010 23:05

she is probably a bit jealous

2shoes · 02/05/2010 23:07

I have held the baby
she is jealous

Firawla · 02/05/2010 23:08

Personally i think "just" being a mum is the best thing anyway, i wouldn't want to do anything else but that's just me. Are you sure she meant the "just" as an insult, maybe she meant, are you doing anything else other than being a mum? As in not asking in a rude/belittling way, but just asking? I wouldn't have taken offense at that comment but if she has previous form for negative comments and trying to put you down then maybe it was meant like that but either way I wouldn't let it get to you.
If you are happy with what you are doing then who cares what she thinks.

nowherewoman · 02/05/2010 23:08

It's actually a really rude thing to say. Good for you for not rising to it though.

PatsyStone · 02/05/2010 23:10

Yanbu to be annoyed, but I would try not to stress it too much. I'm sure she doesn't realise what she's saying, and don't let anyone make you doubt yourself, you're doing the most important job in the world.

I was a young mum and my friends just had no idea of what being a parent is about. I think a lot of people just imagine their life/situation without work/uni etc and don't think about the reality of looking after a child and all the washing/clearing up/cooking etc that goes along with it.

My best friend used to make me inwardly scream as she apparently understood all about standing on her own two feet in her uni pad rented for her and all bills paid for by mummy and daddy...

Tenalady · 02/05/2010 23:10

I had a brilliant career before my DS. Long hours blah, blah! It doesn't come close to the physical demands, and mental demands of raising my DS.

Before children, you always think of Mums sitting on sofa watching tv and drinking tea all day, how difficult can it be to look after a child!

Boy was I wrong. Sit back and wait til she has children, you can have the last laugh and she will swallow her one upmanship.

skidoodly · 02/05/2010 23:10

I doubt she's jealous. Most 18 year olds feel sorry for their friends who get pregnant and have babies because they don't think sitting at home all the time looking after a baby is very exciting. They're right too.

Original poster

SirBoobAlot · 02/05/2010 23:11

Well he is the most amazing wonderful beautiful baby in the whole wide world so its possible she's jealous

OP posts:

2shoes · 02/05/2010 23:14

Valpollicella · 02/05/2010 23:16

So so many people have a deluded view of what it is to be 'just a mum'

The frolicking in the park! The coffee mornings! Popping out to lunch everyday to meet friends!

Erm. Nup. I thought this I soon got put right and so will she if she has a child

The feeding! The cleaning! Dealing with sreaming that you don't know how to make beter! That cold cup of tea that's been staring at you since 5.30am!

Valpollicella · 02/05/2010 23:16

Original poster

SirBoobAlot · 02/05/2010 23:23

I could add "The teething! The colic! The seemingly endless nappy changing and vomit clearing! The finally managing to eat your breakfast at 4pm!" to that sentance, Valpollicella!

OP posts:

ooosabeauta · 02/05/2010 23:25

I know the type and I know the feeling (had a similar experience recently which I posted about)! There's no way that you can properly convey how wonderful it is to be 'just a mum', and IME people like that aren't actually interested, they just want to say something which makes them come out of the conversation feeling superior. She's probably rather insecure.

You know you're doing something wonderful with your life, and taking the time to be at home with your baby can give you joy and satisfaction which you will always remember. It doesn't matter what people like this think - you're lucky to be able to stay with your dc. The time seems to go so fast, and there's the rest of your life to carry on with a career. You're right that if she does have children her perspective will probably change. In the meantime, cross the road when you see her?!

skidoodly · 02/05/2010 23:31

"The feeding! The cleaning! Dealing with sreaming that you don't know how to make beter! That cold cup of tea that's been staring at you since 5.30am!"

"The teething! The colic! The seemingly endless nappy changing and vomit clearing! The finally managing to eat your breakfast at 4pm!"

Now, who wouldn't be jealous of that?

Valpollicella · 02/05/2010 23:36

Yep, there's so much that could be added to that list!

Iwent back to work when DS was 6mo, and I missed being 'just a mum' then. I appreciate it might not be the same for everyone, but I had kinda 'settled into' my new 'job' by then and then had to go back to doing 2 jobs at the same time

SirBoob, sod what anyone else thinks. A mother is always a working woman in my books!

Good post Oooosa

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:46

No, definately not being unreasonable. What an insensitive little bitch. I would have been upset too.

Pity her - she doesnt have a clue and the day will come when she'll probably cringe at her remark.

Re "just a mum" - being a mother is bloody hard work - have just stated on another thread that Im actually looking forward to going "back to work" (after maternity leave) - for the damn break!!! working outside is nowhere near as difficult as this and without sounding too lick arsey, I am honestly in awe of women/ men who can do this permanently.

Just a mum me arse.

Valpollicella · 02/05/2010 23:55

Barbie, when I went back to work one of my greatest pleasures was people making me cups of tea and actually finishing them while still hot. And going to the loo without an audience

SirBoob, honestly, fuck 'em if they're of the the 'just a mum' thinking. They have NO idea how hard it is.

And sit back and wait to see how much fun it'll be when it bites em on the ass

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:58

So funny Valpollicella - I've just wrote exactly that on other thread - cant wait to drink a hot cup of coffee and go to the toilet on my own/ without leaving door open so I can hear baby..

Valpollicella · 03/05/2010 00:05

Exactly Barbie. Goes to show you.

I don't know of any other job that means you get tortured by screaming, have to clean your work space, deal with about 8,000 other things in a day which would render most people beyond sanity, and still be demeaned by 'just a mum'

mrsboogie · 03/05/2010 00:14

OMG - your baby is 6 months old already? gosh!

You should not take offence even if she meant it. There is no harder or more worthwhile job than being a mum which she will no doubt realise some day (if she's lucky).

Quattrocento · 03/05/2010 00:15

I wohm, but am certain that wohming is the easy option ...

expatinscotland · 03/05/2010 00:16

YANBU.

If you are happy with what you do, then you are happy in yourself.

People like this don't even really register after a while.

BarbieLovesKen · 03/05/2010 00:29

True expat - think a few years ago, when comments like this were made at me (I wohm) I used to get upset/ take it to heart and dwell on it. Probably because I, myself wasnt fully sure if I was doing the right thing and as usually, with PFB, was feeling guilty about my every move.

To be honest, these days, I shrug it off and laugh, I couldnt give a shit to be honest what anyone says. I know what I decide to do suits me, my kids, my family etc..

Valpollicella · 03/05/2010 00:38

That's eactly what I think these days Barbie. Couldn't gove any head space to anyone who questions what I do, regardless of SAHM or WOHM.

My choice, or my necessity. No one else's business to question it. And if they do, then that's fine as long as it's kept to themselves.

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