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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fuming with my dh and feel unsupported or is it post baby hormones making me irrational?

37 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 22:56

I have exams next Wednesday and the Wednesday after. I have asked DH to please help as much he can - just for the next 10 days by keeping the housework ticking over and taking over the kids so I can study. Just for 10 days.

Am so, so stressed, these exams are huge - first in Constitutional Law (massive) and second in Contract Law (not as bad). He is fully aware how stressed I am.

Im on maternity leave and ds is 13 weeks old. I understand that Im "off" work and dh is working every day but (and he often and openly admits himself) has a very cushy number (deemed as a full time job but works on average 20 hours a week - in at 9.45am, home at 2pm most days).

He does, in fairness gig the odd night in pubs etc for extra money. Its about 4 hours one night every other week and I appreciate it (although he enjoys it, he says).

We do now and have always split childcare down the middle between us - night feeds etc although, things like baths/ washing clothes/ cutting nails dont occur to dh.

Despite being quite sick after birth of ds (post partum haemorrage at 8 weeks and infection to the lining of my womb) I have kept this house spotless, washing up to date, dinner on table etc.. (Im not looking for a medal for this - I understand this is what Im supposed to be doing but am doing alot more than I would have when I was out at work - e.g. dh would do all cooking). It seems hes taking the complete piss now though - the more I do, the less he does - he wont even pick his dirty socks off the damn floor. Have also 4 year old dd and new baby to look after and have kept all college work up to date at night (assignments etc..).

I am wrecked. I am so tired I could cry. DH took a notion when ds was born to take up rugby - two nights a week and most Sundays for a match (including mother's day I might add ). He has also started going to an music practice thing (just for recreation) one night a week.

I honestly wouldnt mind any of this, as Im at home anyway and he is working but its all leaving me so little time for study. Im exhausted by the time I sit down every evening and have had essays etc.. to write in the last few weeks.

Started study Friday gone - dh was supposed to take over housework. Loaded dishwasher twice and wiped down counters. Today - house a total fucking mess. Have 2 subjects studied - 5 to go before Tuesday night - he knows this. In fairness he had to go to work for a couple of hours today, my mother, who lives next door kindly offered to take kids for a couple of hourse but house was so bad I had to spend 4 straight hours cleaning and sat down to study at 5.30 just as kids arrived in. DS was up all last night - I asked dh to please take him at one stage because I needed a fresh head in the morning (today) for study - told me he couldnt as he had being gigging and was working today so needed sleep (he had to be in at 1.30pm for 3 hours).

I cooked dinner when he came in, asked him if he would clean up after dinner - no problem. Hes gone out tonight now. I've just cleaned up all the dinner dishes and kitchen. I will now, of course, have to get up with ds again tonight as obviously, dh will be drinking and wouldnt be capable.

Am also thinking hes going to be hungover all day tomorrow and completely useless to me (hes off til Wednesday).

I am fuming but unsure if Im out of order - any opinions?

OP posts:
whatsgoingtohappen · 02/05/2010 22:59

YANBU he sounds like a self obsessed prat.

EricNorthmansmistress · 02/05/2010 23:00

No you aren't in the least out of order. My only suggestions would be - don't do the housework, just ignore it. Don't step in because he's too lazy. And can you take the baby somewhere else to study? So when he gets back from work you go out and don't come back for a few hours? That way you won't feel obliged to pick up his slack. You also need to ask him to give up the rugby and practice for the next two weeks - and TBH I wouldn't accept the rugby every week if it leaves so much work to you.

TheCrackFox · 02/05/2010 23:00

YANBU.

He is taking the piss. Tell him to get a part time job to pay for the cleaner to do his share of the housework.

whatsgoingtohappen · 02/05/2010 23:00

And it doesn't sound like 50/50 to me he needs to do more and spend a night or two at home and stop living the life of a bachelor.

mears · 02/05/2010 23:02

I would leave the cleaning and get on with studying. The house can be a mess till your exams are over. He may just not clean at the pace you are used to. As long as kids are fed and watered, that is all that matters.

potplant · 02/05/2010 23:03

Stop doing so much housework.
Your exams are a big big deal. Dirty dishes in the sink overnight aren't.

He's taking the piss but you are letting him. Go the library tomorrow and leave him to it. Do the same thing on Tuesday.

MmeLindt · 02/05/2010 23:03

You are massively unreasonable in not kicking him in the balls.

jeez, woman. He sounds like a totally self-absorbed wanker. I do hope that he has some good points, because going by your post he sounds just horrible.

nowherewoman · 02/05/2010 23:04

Fucking hell I'm completely in awe of you! I could never do all that you're doing in a million years. You need and deserve a lot more help. He sounds like he's got it all his own way and you sound like you are supporting his lifestyle tbh.

moondog · 02/05/2010 23:08

What a selfish knob.
Poor you.
I would want to murder him for being so selfish.
My dh and i have each completed an mSc in the last few years, juggling with babies and demanding jobs. Impossible had we not shared the load of everything straight down the middle/

Pozzled · 02/05/2010 23:08

YANBU. He is being utterly selfish, and you need to do whatever you need to get through the next 2 weeks. Leave the housework, let him deal with it. Absolutely DO NOT do something that he has agreed to do, like clearing up after dinner. Keep yourself and the kids fed and in clean clothes, and every other spare minute you get, study. If your mother is willing to help, let her, but make sure that every minute she gives you is used for study and not for the house. The minute your DH comments about the state of the house, you can make it clear to him that for the next two weeks, your priorities are elsewhere, and he will have to step up.

Good luck with the exams- hope they go well.

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:12

Oh thank you all so much - dont feel like self obsessed lunatic now. Laughed out loud at a few.

I did discuss degree with dh before I started - how much help Id need etc and he was completely for it - couldnt have pushed more.

Im probably painting him a little harshly, all the above is (obviously) true but he does have good points too.
(although at minute am finding it really hard to remember them)

OP posts:
BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:18

and I know I should just leave the house but, as you know, with such a small baby, things have to be kept relatively hygienically clean plus washing baby clothes etc.. as he vomits on everything..

OP posts:
mears · 02/05/2010 23:18

Is there an element of you having higher cleanliness standards than him? Yes he sounds as though he is not pulling his weight but you have to make sure that you are not being a martyr and doing all the cleaning and childcare because he isn't doing it fast enough or well enough? Just a thought (I am a slob and couldn't care less what the house looks like)

mears · 02/05/2010 23:19

You need masses of muslins for vomit mopping but no you do not need to be squeeky clean.

skidoodly · 02/05/2010 23:25

My baby is that age and my house is a pigsty most of the time.

The germs are good for her I reckon.

Casmama · 02/05/2010 23:26

It sounds like things have got to the stage where you cannot have any further distractions. Worse case scenario you have to see to the baby tonight.
Tomorrow morning get up early, get him (dh) up- booting him in the balls if needs be, grab your books and go to a public library to study. If you cannot see the mess then you cannot feel obliged to tidy. If you buy food when you are out then you cannot use time cooking dinner and cleaning up after everyone.

Deal with other issues re fair division of labour after your exams - you don't have time now.
Good luck.

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:27

Mears - you are definately right about me having higher standards - hes quite a slob too to be honest. Think I am being a bit of a martyr - I dont know why Im doing more in general lately than is probably necessary. Unexplainable - am generally clean but definately not the housekeeper type.

OP posts:
Casmama · 02/05/2010 23:27

Sorry dead bossy

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:33

Skidoodly - bet you anything your house doesnt get into the state mine does, even though Im constantly at it, Im embarrased if someone calls. I honestly have no idea how it gets so bad - maybe because 4 living her and only 1 doing anything!!.

Casmama - cannot see mess - really good point. Think I might just do that..

OP posts:
BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:37

Oops and sorry re division of labour - your right (not now) but it does need addressing - am really worried about what Ill do in November when Im back in work, (college back in September), exams coming up, house to run and now two children. Its not going to be possible if this continues.

I did it last year when pregnant, but only had dd and was at work during day so dh helped more. Actually, in a way, (and I know we shouldnt admit this) but although I know Im really going to miss dc, am looking forward to return to work - for the break!! being at home is hard..

OP posts:
moondog · 02/05/2010 23:42

Too right!
I sussed out years ago that going out to work was the easiest thing.Being trapped in a house all day is soooo dispiriting, partic. if order and cleanliness bother yuo 9they did me and let's face it, little kids are messy.)

Casmama · 02/05/2010 23:47

Ha ha, I only have one dc and going back to work in a months time. I too am very much looking forward to not being at home all the time. Funny cos I always thought I would prefer to be a SAHM if finances allowed - now if you offered me the same money to stay at home I would say no thanks I'll just go back to work! There are only so many times that you can go out for lunch or take littlies to softplay before you want to tear your own hair out.

BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:52

Funny that - I said the same - that I would love to be SAHM if finances allowed (while studying). Not on your life. Its a thankless arse of a job. In saying that, I wish I was more of a home body but its just not for me. (ooh to drink a hot cup of coffee and go to the toilet on my own/ without leaving the door open straining to here little one)

OP posts:
BarbieLovesKen · 02/05/2010 23:53

That sounded insensitive to others btw - its a thankless arse of a job for me personally, in this house.

OP posts:
nowherewoman · 02/05/2010 23:59

No, no, you're right, it is a thankless arse of a task