To be fuming with my dh and feel unsupported or is it post baby hormones making me irrational?

[BarbieLovesKen]

I have exams next Wednesday and the Wednesday after. I have asked DH to please help as much he can - just for the next 10 days by keeping the housework ticking over and taking over the kids so I can study. Just for 10 days.

Am so, so stressed, these exams are huge - first in Constitutional Law (massive) and second in Contract Law (not as bad). He is fully aware how stressed I am.

Im on maternity leave and ds is 13 weeks old. I understand that Im "off" work and dh is working every day but (and he often and openly admits himself) has a very cushy number (deemed as a full time job but works on average 20 hours a week - in at 9.45am, home at 2pm most days).

He does, in fairness gig the odd night in pubs etc for extra money. Its about 4 hours one night every other week and I appreciate it (although he enjoys it, he says).

We do now and have always split childcare down the middle between us - night feeds etc although, things like baths/ washing clothes/ cutting nails dont occur to dh.

Despite being quite sick after birth of ds (post partum haemorrage at 8 weeks and infection to the lining of my womb) I have kept this house spotless, washing up to date, dinner on table etc.. (Im not looking for a medal for this - I understand this is what Im supposed to be doing but am doing alot more than I would have when I was out at work - e.g. dh would do all cooking). It seems hes taking the complete piss now though - the more I do, the less he does - he wont even pick his dirty socks off the damn floor. Have also 4 year old dd and new baby to look after and have kept all college work up to date at night (assignments etc..).

I am wrecked. I am so tired I could cry. DH took a notion when ds was born to take up rugby - two nights a week and most Sundays for a match (including mother's day I might add ). He has also started going to an music practice thing (just for recreation) one night a week.

I honestly wouldnt mind any of this, as Im at home anyway and he is working but its all leaving me so little time for study. Im exhausted by the time I sit down every evening and have had essays etc.. to write in the last few weeks.

Started study Friday gone - dh was supposed to take over housework. Loaded dishwasher twice and wiped down counters. Today - house a total fucking mess. Have 2 subjects studied - 5 to go before Tuesday night - he knows this. In fairness he had to go to work for a couple of hours today, my mother, who lives next door kindly offered to take kids for a couple of hourse but house was so bad I had to spend 4 straight hours cleaning and sat down to study at 5.30 just as kids arrived in. DS was up all last night - I asked dh to please take him at one stage because I needed a fresh head in the morning (today) for study - told me he couldnt as he had being gigging and was working today so needed sleep (he had to be in at 1.30pm for 3 hours).

I cooked dinner when he came in, asked him if he would clean up after dinner - no problem. Hes gone out tonight now. I've just cleaned up all the dinner dishes and kitchen. I will now, of course, have to get up with ds again tonight as obviously, dh will be drinking and wouldnt be capable.

Am also thinking hes going to be hungover all day tomorrow and completely useless to me (hes off til Wednesday).

I am fuming but unsure if Im out of order - any opinions?

Thanks nowherewoman (thought I was going to be in trouble there for a minute)

'it is a thankless arse of a task'

God, so bloody true.#
Well put.

How much of it is that you are using your cleaning etc as a means to avoid studying?

Sometimes if you are so dog tired it can be really difficult to think straight and get priorities in order and somewhere in the depths of your mind it sounds like you have something that says you can't work until the place is spotless, not that you need to do the bare minimum until your exams have finished.

Is there something you can do to make your revision and exams much more real to your dh?

COuld you stick up revision plans (including big long lists of stuff to be revised) somewhere really visible (like on the fridge or kitchen door for example) so that he can see it. Say that it is so you can see it easily yourself; also make sure it includes something to show how you are falling behind in what you should be doing so you can say to your husband that you are really falling behind and struggling at the moment so you could really do with his support. Any chance you could make a simple calendar for the next couple of weeks for the pair of you to show what the immovable commitments are and then work out exactly what chores and childcare he is going to do and when as a minimum and mark it in - even if it means you disappear off out of the house at this time to work elsewhere so he can't get out of it - could you need to do some work in the library for example?

And it is definitely worth reminding him about how much time he gets to do his own stuff like the rugby and music practice that you don't get and that you are taking your quota now because of the exams.

And also asking if he understands quite how important these exams are to you and the consequences of not getting the marks you are capable of getting with decent support behind you etc - anything to try to get him to see things from your point of view. And as you say it is only for 10 days, not like you are askingfor much at all...

good luck - with the revision, getting your dh to help out and with the exam itself!

you keep justifying him.
stop doing housework, its as simple as that. if he's used to a clean house, he wont be able to take it for long.

and babies need germs, IMO!

Thanks Zipzap - alot of that is so true. I did learn off by heart 6 A4 pages on the family under the constitution yesterday (including case law, commentary etc..) and got him to listen to see if I had it off right last night so hes fully aware of how much this entails - he also knows that this is just one of 7 questions to come up (and I dont even know if it will come up, obviously)

He has also proof read two of my essays (worth 20% of final mark in each subject) and listened to be practice a presentation I needed to give in class in the last few weeks so he knows whats involved in doing law.

Which actually, now that I think of it, makes me more annoyed that hes not being more helpful.

Funnily enough, he is really delighted Im doing this, hes supportive in the sense of the idea - but, I hate to admit, I think to him its so he can say to people "DW is going to be a lawyer" - he doesnt seem to realise, that no, DW wont be a lawyer unless she gets some bloody help. As I said before, I discussed this with him before I ever started - what he thought/ how much he was willing to pull his weight more etc.. and he was all for it.

I have a huge fear of failure, in almost everything I do, its ridiculous really. I appears to think I am brighter than I am tbh and seems to think "she'll be grand".

Sorry he appears to think...

Gosh, I am so impressed you are doing so much with a 13 week old. My life has been chaos since dc2 was born 17 MONTHS AGO!

I think you need to stop thinking of the housework as your responsibility. If you are studying then your jobs are: 1 Look after dcs. 2. Study and the last priority is house work. That was my approach, but my house standards are fairly low.

I think you need to draw up a study timetable, stick in on the fridge so that dh knows when you expect him to be responsible. If that doesn't work then go out to the library to study. I have a friend who, to my immense respect, finished a law degree with 3 dcs, by handing them over to her dh as he walked in the door and going out to study.

I think you're doing a tremendously tough job, and your DH could certainly be more helpful, but you're not making it easier for yourself.

It sounds like at the moment, you prioritise the house over your studying (inadvertently and unconsciously, maybe). I've found that other people take their cues from you in terms of how you spend your time - if they see that your study time is absolutely non negotiable, they will come to accept that. But if you're prepared to negotiate on your study time, and lose it to tidy up instead, then other people will (again, somewhat unconsciously) think it's fine for them to negotiate on it too.

You need to either get out of the house to study, or go into a room where you are undisturbed, and not come out of it unless your DH tells you that one of the DC is being taken to A&E straight away. If someone comes to knock at the door to ask for something, you say some set phrase like 'Please don't interrupt me while I'm working'. You don't answer stupid questions about where things are, what's for supper, etc etc

Honestly, if you make it clear in your mind that studying comes first at certain fixed times of day, other people will come to understand it. Best of luck!

I agree with what others have said - you need to ignore the housework until your exams are done.

Sounds like you're similar to me inbthat when I do housework, one thing leads to another and I have to get everything spotless. Takes me hours to clean our house but I'm sure I could do a quick whizz round with the vacuum and a cloth in a couple of hrs max.

Look at the bigger picture and focus on your exams, try the timetable idea, talk to your DH calmly and frequently and don't beat yourself up on the state of the house.

Good luck for your exams!!

I think ZipZap's point about cleaning to avoid studying has probably got some truth in it. Whenever I had essays or exams, even though I had no DC and no DH to worry about, chances are you'd find me going over the kitchen floor with a mop six hours before a deadline, rationalising that it was really important to clean the house. If you are run down and tired then studying is going to be incredibly hard, monotonous, boring, mentally demanding. Getting out of the house and into an environment where there are no distractions might be the only way to get through this time.

You really have taken on the most amazingly difficult challenge - and you seem to be doing it all alone. I did law myself and I can't even imagine how you are holding it all together. You must be superwoman!

You need to sort things out with your DH because if you're doing constitutional and contract law now, you're either doing the batchelors degree or the GDL - either way you've got a long way to go before you qualify and you can't possibly be expected to carry on like this through the LPC and a two year training contract.

All the advice about how to get it over to him how important it is for him to pull his weight is good. But as has been said above, priorities won't change in his mind until they are clear in yours.

I think it sounds like you are doing an amazing job BUT taking on too much. I am the queen of this and have no advice on that (I took to my bed last week because i couldnt face getting up and looking at the things that needed doing).

BUT
your husband is behvaing like an idiot - you were ill after your baby he should have been looking after you and you should have done NO housework at all. Also maternity leave isnt "housework" leave its time of too recover and care for you baby.