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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about XP's new girlfriend

37 replies

CrosswordGeek · 02/05/2010 15:49

I'm not upset that he's with someone else. I ended our relationship over a year ago when I was pregnant with DD.

We've been through court so he can have contact - which has now been granted, and it was supposed to be that he had 30mins to an hour once a week. The first time, his new girlfriend was about, but he said that she wouldn't be there and was gonna go shopping (we live in different counties), and he had nearly 2 hours with DD, but after an hour and a half, new girlfriend turned up. I found it quite weird coming to terms with XP being with DD, and even weirder with this new girl that I don't know at all.

He had another couple of contacts where his Mum or Dad bought him down, but they would go off for the hour or so he was with DD, and then come and say hello and spend 5 minutes or so with her. I wouldn't have a problem with them staying for a decent time, she is their granddaughter after all.

Howeveeeeeeer, this week, his girlfriend bought him down, and she was there the whole time. My Mum was with me and could see I was quite upset so I ended up walking off for a while to calm down. A big part of me just wanted to scream "NO NO NO" but, didn't want to be a pain. Anyway, I came back and she was holding DD and playing with her, and then turned and said "Oh it's going to be really weird, I won't see her for 4 months now because I'm going away" -(she's in the RAF and going to Afghanistan). It just really caught me.

Am I being really stupid to feel upset that she was there today, and that she seems to be planning to have all this I don't know. God, I can't even explain how I feel. Was just realy weird with her taking pictures of DD and talking about her and stuff. I feel sorry for her in a way, cause it must be hard.

I have rambled on :/ I just think that this time should be for DD to get to know her Dad, he's only seen her 4/5 times so far, and she's been there for 2 of them. I know she's not going to be here for a while, but what if she's gonna be coming everytime she IS here?

Do I just need a slap?

OP posts:

diddl · 02/05/2010 15:52

Well it sounds as if she cares tbh.

The father should make time to see his daughter alone if that´s what he wants imo.

Trafficcone · 02/05/2010 15:55

I can see why it's upsetting. It must be horrible, but it sounds like your Dd has one more adult in her life who loves her (already) and will care for her and hopefully keep your ex p reminded of his responsibility so to be honest it is a good thing. Just hard to stomach til you get used to it.

ScreaminEagle · 02/05/2010 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsboogie · 02/05/2010 15:59

There's nothing you can do about it so you just have to accept it. This woman is a part of her father's life and he has the right to have her there.

But I totally understand how you feel and would feel the same way myself in your shoes.

The important thing is that your DD gets to know her dad and that this woman is a positive feature of her life - which, I have to say, does seem to be the case from what you have posted. How much better it is that the woman is fond of your daughter and wants to be around her than some selfish cow who is threatened by you and the child and throws a strop over him seeing you?

I know it is hard to envisage "sharing" your child with another woman even on this very part-time and remote basis but you will always be her mother.

BertieBotts · 02/05/2010 16:01

I think that it is hard when your child's father starts dating a new woman. My XP always brings his latest girlfriend with him when he has DS as well (though he has him alone ie without me there) and I found it odd at first, and a bit annoyed because as you say that should be his time with DS!

I have come to cope with it now though by just thinking well, it's up to him what he does and how he does it when he has DS and I just have to butt out and not question it, just as I wouldn't want him questioning what I was doing with DS (barring anything illegal/serious harm). It is frustrating though when you are trying to do the right thing and making sacrifices etc and you see your ex swanning around doing what he likes and not seeming to think about the effect it has on his child.

Hopefully she is normal and not like my XP's latest girlfriend who added my DS onto her facebook profile "Circle of Moms" thing and is now pregnant (6 weeks into the relationship) saying "I am so happy, this means the world to me, we will be a proper family, me, and this baby" on facebook

thumbwitch · 02/05/2010 16:01

God I don't know. I'd feel uber-sensitive about it too, especially as she's only little - but I suppose it is good that she wants to have a nice relationship with her partner's DD.

As she will be away for 4m, you have a while to get your head round it a bit more before the next time - you have no need to be jealous though, your DD will always know you are her mum!

diddl · 02/05/2010 16:02

Forgot to say yanbu for it to feel odd/upsetting.

I suppose it´s the thought of "sharing" with another woman-but you are her mummy!

RunawayWife · 02/05/2010 16:03

I am sorry but you are being unreasonable.

Your EX is your DDs father and is entitled to be in her life, if he wants his new partner to be involved with his child that is up to him, she sounds accepting of his child, would you rather she was a bitch and wanted to stop him seeing his child????

mrsboogie · 02/05/2010 16:04

BertieBotts I would not be impressed at that at all. Very insensitive.

thumbwitch · 02/05/2010 16:05

Unnecessarily harsh, RW. The OP was asking if she was BU to be upset, she isn't trying to stop this other woman from seeing her DD.

Have a heart.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/05/2010 16:05

I'm a bit confused - why did it have to go to gourt for your XP to get access - did you not want this to happen?

BertieBotts · 02/05/2010 16:07

Actually I think the motto is don't look up your XP's new girlfriend on facebook!

Though to be fair it's not as if I have to be stealthy about it, she tries to add me as a friend about 6 times a day.

OP if it helps, my parents divorced when I was 6 and my Dad had a string of new girlfriends, apparently one day on the way home from school I said "I wonder if Daddy will have a new girlfriend this weekend?" in a very cynical tone of voice! He remarried eventually and I get on great with my stepmum now, but she is more like an auntie to me and will never ever come close to my Mum.

BritFish · 02/05/2010 16:08

sorry, but you want your DD to have a good relationship with her dad, and he only gets 30 mins to an hour once a week? why does he get so little when you ended the relationship? i really hope he wasnt abusive or anything to you, but if you broke up, why does he have so little time with her?

you dumped him, yet get upset with his new girlfriend [who sounds responsible and lovely and CARES about your DD] spending time with her.
its not as if she is the main role model in your daughters life since you have primary care!

sorry if i have judged wrongly and he was abusive or something which caused you to be nervous about him having contact.

give the woman a break, i know its hard, but you should count yourself very lucky that your DD is around a woman who cares about her, you dont want a stepmother who tries to force your DD and ex partner apart or anything.
[im speaking from personal experience as a stepchild]

im really confused that you want your partner to know his DD, but only gets a couple of hours a week. different counties can be hard, but surely he should be seeing her more than that!

sorry, strong subject with me. your daughter is very lucky to have 2 loving parents and a caring girlfriend!

RunawayWife · 02/05/2010 16:14

Why does your Ex get so little access to his child?

Veritythebrave · 02/05/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xenia · 02/05/2010 16:22

50% is fairer and would also help you get back to full time work if you aren't already in it and usually eases things financially. Dont' let him swan in and out. Force him to have 3 or 4 bnights a week of nappy changing and clearing up sick and being a real parent.

StrictlyKatty · 02/05/2010 16:24

I bet you'll eventually introduce DD to another man! He is in a committed relationship after you dumped him. Why should she not show an interest? I can't believe people would rather have others ignore their children than have people actually show an interest

BritFish · 02/05/2010 16:32

my stepmother is a lovely person. she's funny, hard working, and has raised two amazing individuals of her own. she has never tried to overstep the line with me since i met her when i was 16, and i count myself lucky to have her in my life. over the years, she and my mother have had more contact, and ended up sobbing together at my wedding and how proud they were of me.
i really appreciate the effort my mother has made to be civil to her, and makes me appreciate her all the more as a person.

if you are lucky, like me, to have a caring, sensible individual in your life, stepfamilies make it all the more better! more caring adults around you, who make your parents happy, i couldnt ask for anything more. i know my mother has found it hard, but noone could replace her, and she knows this.
noone can replace you as a mother, but a loving, caring adult is always a welcome addition to your childs life, and sets the precedent that extended families are OKAY.

schroeder · 02/05/2010 16:40

Well you have my sympathy, it's hard especially as your dd is so little.

The love we feel for our children isn't reasonable is it?

kitbit · 02/05/2010 16:46

I know what all the rational arguments say, but I also know that if I was you I would be wildly jealous, madly over-protective and not want to share my precious baby at all.

Didn't say it was reasonable or not, just totally understandable!

Might have to try and separate head and heart here a little in order to get through this but the others are right, it does sound as though she is the right sort of person to be around your dd and it could so easily have been someone who gives you the horrors.

Hope it gets easier soon x

VinegarTits · 02/05/2010 16:49

yes im sorry but yabu, she clearly cares about your dd and her daddy

can i ask why you had to go to court for him to have contact, and why does he have so little contact?

BigBadMummy · 02/05/2010 16:55

I know it is hard, I have been there.

However, think of the alternative.

She could be horrible. It sounds as though she cares about your daughter and will be quite a stable influence.

My DCs never had a weekend on their own with the dad from the time I split with him the OW was always there. I hated her. But....

She was kind and caring and spent time playing my DCs and looking after them.

They like her a lot and now her and my ex have married things are all good.

I imagine it was harder for my ex when I met somebody else and three years in we moved in together. He was then living with me and the DCs and seeing them every day. Something my ex could no longer do.

I know it is hard but please try and get some perspective and see this for the good thing it is.

catinboots · 02/05/2010 16:56

YABalittleU. Yes it may be hard - but new gf will never replace you. And as everyone else has said - better to have a (potential) step-parent who wants to get on with your DC than one who dislikes them or is jealous of them

Tryharder · 02/05/2010 17:23

Of course YABU. YOU ended the relationship, YOU made your XP go to court to get the paltry amount of access he has. It sounds like you are trying to make your XP's life as difficult as possible. Your XP's girlfriend actually sounds nice. You should be grateful she is being nice to your DD. If she and your XP are in a serious, committed relationship potentially leading to marriage then she should get to know your DD. I would worry more if she was dismissive of your DD. Presumably if they were only just shagging, then your XP wouldn't have bothered to introduce her to his DD.

DISCLAIMER: this may well be AIBU by stealth and you may later disclose all sorts of horrible things about your XP so we will have to change our minds.

RunawayWife · 02/05/2010 17:45

OP are you coming back????

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