to be upset about XP's new girlfriend

[CrosswordGeek]

I'm not upset that he's with someone else. I ended our relationship over a year ago when I was pregnant with DD.

We've been through court so he can have contact - which has now been granted, and it was supposed to be that he had 30mins to an hour once a week. The first time, his new girlfriend was about, but he said that she wouldn't be there and was gonna go shopping (we live in different counties), and he had nearly 2 hours with DD, but after an hour and a half, new girlfriend turned up. I found it quite weird coming to terms with XP being with DD, and even weirder with this new girl that I don't know at all.

He had another couple of contacts where his Mum or Dad bought him down, but they would go off for the hour or so he was with DD, and then come and say hello and spend 5 minutes or so with her. I wouldn't have a problem with them staying for a decent time, she is their granddaughter after all.

Howeveeeeeeer, this week, his girlfriend bought him down, and she was there the whole time. My Mum was with me and could see I was quite upset so I ended up walking off for a while to calm down. A big part of me just wanted to scream "NO NO NO" but, didn't want to be a pain. Anyway, I came back and she was holding DD and playing with her, and then turned and said "Oh it's going to be really weird, I won't see her for 4 months now because I'm going away" -(she's in the RAF and going to Afghanistan). It just really caught me.

Am I being really stupid to feel upset that she was there today, and that she seems to be planning to have all this I don't know. God, I can't even explain how I feel. Was just realy weird with her taking pictures of DD and talking about her and stuff. I feel sorry for her in a way, cause it must be hard.

I have rambled on :/ I just think that this time should be for DD to get to know her Dad, he's only seen her 4/5 times so far, and she's been there for 2 of them. I know she's not going to be here for a while, but what if she's gonna be coming everytime she IS here?

Do I just need a slap?

XP was a drug addict and was quite abusive towards me throughout our relationship. DD was conceived in a time when I spent most days crying and being told that I didn't love him if I didnt have sex with him :/ Also had to get the police involved when I was pregnant because he was harassing me and making me quite ill.

Wanted to make sure he had sorted his shit out before he got close to DD - so drugs tests were done and it went through court so that a judge decided what happened, and not me.

He also lives quite far away, so him coming more than once a week is not really fair for him as he doesn't drive etc and public transport links aren't great. Also, would not want him to have DD for 3/4 nights a week, especially whilst she is so small and still being BF so much.

I don't have any problem with her seeing DD or whatever, but when he's told me that she's not gonna be part of the contact, and then she comes along, it's quite hard to deal with. She seems like a nice girl, and I didn't sit and ignore her or be rude to her or anything, I'm not a complete bitch. She seems like a really good influence on XPs life, and I appreciate that, it just seems so soon to be introdcing her into DDs life.

Stop judging before you know the story...I would be weary reading the op's reply about her ex, at least she wants to protect her kid.

The ex needs to bond, not his girlfriend who at the end of the day could go out of her life at any time, it is far too soon for the girlfriend to be involved

But if he is clean now and has proved that to a court, and is in a stable relationship and making an effort then I really think it is a shame you feel as you do and in the long term it is only going to bring you hurt.

He has moved on with his life and I think the fact he wants to spend time with his daughter is a good thing, the fact he has a supportive partner now is also a good thing, as he makes the effort and comes so far could he not spend more ime with his child.
That said if he does start using drugs again I will be the first in the queue saying kick him out of both your lives

Also, have always let him have more than an hour with her. Not trying to stop him from having a relationship with her, or seeing her for a longer period of time or anything. Just trying to do things by the book (or by the court order - ha), but with a little bit of compassion towards him, and his 3 hour round trip.

Glad a lot of you are relising that gf could be positive driving force here. My ex-p wouldn't admit the girl he was with was his gf til the day I said if she is gonna be part of ds' life I at least have the right to know. Anyway turns out she was, and is in fact fab with ds and I feel more comfortable when he goes to ex-p if she is there. He gets fed well, bedtime at a reasonable hour etc all down to her. They are engaged now and I feel she will be a positive step-parent for DS.

I do know how your feeling but promise you it does get easier.

Oh I see, she is only 7 months old. No need for overnight stays until you feel she is ready. DS is 19 months and doesn't stay overnight yet (though I have only been on my own 5 months yet)

I split with ex-p when ds 13 months. Didn't stay overnight with ex until he met his now fiance as he didn't feel he could cope. Fiance brill with him makes sure he's fed watered etc bed at a reasonable time and entertained. Think both me and ex-p feel more comfortable with overnight stays if shes there!!

YABU- you ended the relationship- he is happy with someone else and it is good his gf wants to have a role in your daughters life.

At the moment your dd doesnt stay with him but when she does it will be easier on her to recognise know his gf too.

It is hard but it is inevitable-if she stays in his life she will be a big part of DDs life-at least she is really trying.

OK, further to my previous post and given what you have now told us, YANBU to have taken your XP to court to get access. And YANBU to not allow overnight visits for a bf baby who is so young.

But I really don't think you need to be upset about the girlfriend. I still think she sounds nice.

fair enough you took him to court, and how pleased you must be that he's cleaned up! we hear so few success stories! fair enough no overnight visits as well, and she is very young. but still, a little more time would be great, especially as he is travelling so far! you've obviously been through the mill, i hope you'll find some happiness of your own when you're ready!

I think it will be a fair while until he has overnight visits tbh, I hardly leave DD for more than a few hours even with my Mum.

It's not like I dislike her or anything like that, not at all. I am just finding it quite hard being around XP as it is.

Am also really annoyed that XP cannot seem to call DD by her name, and seems to purposefully mispronounce it - which his partner DIDN'T do.

I know I'm being neurotic, I'm just struggling with all sorts at the moment, and it feels like something else that will just eat away at me. I want there to be a good relationship between XP and I for DD's behalf, and I'm trying really hard. Just get frustrated with a lot of things to do with him.