more wwyd ... Dh, 22 week dd and 3 pints

[issysmilkbottle]

ok, more of a wwyd... Dh agreed I needed some me time, first in 6 months so once dd asleep I was gonna go out...

Dh went into town at 4, back at 7 and has 3 pints! Should I cancel night out or do I trust him with dd... He had also promised to help with night wakings for first time tonight and give me a rest in morning yet suggested he goes and gets more beers...

Wwyd?

The three pints over a couple of hours wouldn't actually bother me, unless he's noticeably wobbly after that much.

But I'd expect him to put the lid on it at that point, because he must know you'll be worrying about dd whilst you're out. If he carries on drinking, & you know he is, then even if you do decide to trust him, it's inevitably going to put a dampener on your night out.

Almost as if he set out to spoil your night...? Because it's much more convenient for his 'me time' if you'd rather be at home than out & about yourself...

Not saying he'd do so deliberately, but, well, does he normally have 3 pints at tea-time on a Friday?

Because if not, it would definitely suggest to me a spot of 'accidental' sabotage, or at least him sending out a 'Friday night is BLOKE drinking night, & you should be glad I came home at all, actually' vibe.

Definitely you need to sit him down & have it out with him (when he's sober).

How would he feel if you chugged a bottle of wine whilst looking after dd? Would he see it as perfectly reasonable ( he just doesn't 'get it' about looking after babies, & needs it spelling out), or would he disapprove (in which case he knows damn well he's out of order!).

Unbelievable. 3 pints and travelling time home plus 1 hour till you leave and he will be sober. He is not going to fall asleep and be incapable. Stop underestimating us men!

StayFrosty is so right. He admits he's selfish but won't change, i.e., if you don't like it, leave me.

As well as telling him you want half of the total play money and "me" time, draw up a list of housework chores and decide on what his half of the chores will be. If he refuses, take the money anyway, leave the house as soon as he gets in for your "me" time whether he likes it or not, and stop doing "his" chores/ Don't cook for him, clean up after him, buy him food or wash his clothes. That's what I would do anyway...

Of course reaching an amicable agreement is best, but would he stick to it...?

As for the 3 pints, wouldn't bother me too much. But having more would be completely unacceptable and irresponsible of him. And those pints sound like the least of your worries.

the number of pints is the least of my worries yes, its this 'need' to rebel and not be an equal partner that annoys me. I have told him I'm not his mother etc and all he says is 'i know' and 'even my mum wouldn't talk to me like that/make me do stuff'....

Tonight I went and slept in the spare room so he could do 1st waking of dd as she doesn't need bf everytime she wakes (5 times a night!), I heard her wake, he tried to settle her for less than 5 mins and then asked me to come and feed her... Arghhhhh. And while I fed her he went to the spare room and has now decided he's done his bit.... We'll see if he gets up in morning with her like promised as I haven't had a lie in past half seven for 3 months.....

Think we can guess the answer to that one, Issy...

well he decided to come out of spare room at 9:15, I've been awake since 6 and was up 4-5 times last night with dd...

He said he thought I wasn't going out as I hadn't mentioned it on friday (he was in bed until 2 as had been on a night shift ) and I had school run during which he went into town!

I've given him a breakdown of how much he'd have to pay if lived alone but he's still moaning. He apologises but there's always a 'but' which starts another row...

I really don't know what to do tbh...

well something good this morning, dh has just taken over with dd and I can rest, he reckons he'll be ok until 1 and then we can go into town together to look around museum etc... He was gonna buy me lunch today but last night took that back as I've 'taken all my money' so we'll see what happens... Fingers crossed for a good day and hopefully he ll try not to be so selfish..

Thanks for the support last night!

Oh Issy - I hope today is a better day for you and that your DH realises how incredibly selfish he has been and is being. And Expectantdad, no men are not incapable after 3 pints - but if they are intending to drink more while looking after a small baby that means I would have questions about how much they will be drinking and how safe they will be with the baby and would not be able to relax and enjoy my evening out.

Agree with Stayfrosty and others, sounds like a control issue - I think he sabotaged your opportunity to be independent and evaded taking responsibility. I think on some level he knew that was what he was doing. My dh was a right prat at times in the first few months and sometimes I thought it would actaully be easier to be on my own. Told him so and I think it gave him a shock (I did worry he would take me up on it!) He has shaped up considerably as parenting gets more fun as ds gets older, and we have had a few chats. Best done calmly.

Issy
I am sorry that he is being such an arse.

You need to sit down with him and write down:

• your monthly incomings and outgoings
• time needed for you to work
• time needed to do household chores

These things must be shared equally between you.

You should both have the same amount of spending money, and the same amount of free time.

Anything else will lead to resentment and stress on your marriage.

He is being incredibly unfair. He wants you to make the decisions, to be the adult then resents you for the fact that these decisions affect his "freedom". Getting married, moving to a more expensive house - no one forced him to do this. He is behaving like a child, "but Mummy, she made me do it".

Issy - my post saying that people had been over-reacting was totally aimed at a man being incapable of looking after a baby after 3 pints - which was what you had asked.

You and I have 'chatted' on other threads and I have told you there that your DH acts like a bachelor/teenager and needs a kick up the arse.

If I were you I would lay it all out on the line for him - what hours he needs to be caring for the children so you can work, what hours you then both have for me/us time, what money both of you have for yourselves, what you both need to do around the house to keep it running.... currently he is all take, take, take. He isn't bloody boarding with you, he is your husband and your kid(s) Dad - he needs to grow up (but this might not be a phrase you use when talking to him!!!).

Tell him how it needs to be for you to stay in this marriage and if he isn't willing to talk about it and make changes he will be moving out.... and MEAN IT.

He is NOT being a good husband or father while he is behaving the way he does. A couple of hours looking after the baby/kids after a big row does NOT make him a good Dad.

Don't put up with this shit.

He was going to buy you lunch but can't as you took all his money? And yes, omg you did but spent it on rent, food nappies.

My dh has about a tenner a week for him and some of that goes on breakfast as he doesn't have time to get any at home.

your partner is a bully and is controlling you and you need to stop it..

thanks chipping and everyone else...

I do try and chat to him about this but until recently he'd always have a few beers every day and so any chats were marred by that.. He has cut down so it should be easier now but I know he'll get all defensive and say I'm playing with 'catholic guilt', he's no longer religious, far from it but raised an irish catholic in school etc...

I will look at nurseries for dd for a couple of mornings a week as he'll never take up the slack and I need to get on with my work and get some rest also, I am constantly shattered and look bloody awful which doesn't help my feeling good...

Hopefully dd will start to sleep better soon too which will help me, and Ds starts high school this year. Dsd is finally talking more (15) and that's making those visits easier... Perhaps time and patience will work!

You would be better off on your own, once you admit that to yourself you will feel more able to deal with this selfish cocklodger.

Issy, so sorry, as you probably won't want to hear this, but your partner sounds deeply controlling and that is never a good thing in a relationship.

I think you need to be very very honest with yourself about your DP. Is this '3 beers' story the tip of the iceberg? Are you actually happy with him in this relationship? Do you honestly think he is at all likely to change?

he sounds scarily like my ExH - catholic, drinks too much (3 - 4 cans a night + spirits during the day - but his tolerance level got so high that he never appeared drunk), refuses to drive, refuses to do housework,. refuses to get up with the kids, refuses to discuss money, could be very verbally abusive...is this ringing bells?

You really need to think about whether you want to be with this man, and if this is the life that you want, as I personally, very much doubt it will improve - people that selfish and controlling don't usually respond to reasoned adult argument, as they are aways convinced they are in the right.

I do hope I'm wrong, but please have a think and be really honest with yourself about this man and the bigger picture. Wild guess here but he sounds like he has the potential to be quite emotionally abusive.