more wwyd ... Dh, 22 week dd and 3 pints

[issysmilkbottle]

ok, more of a wwyd... Dh agreed I needed some me time, first in 6 months so once dd asleep I was gonna go out...

Dh went into town at 4, back at 7 and has 3 pints! Should I cancel night out or do I trust him with dd... He had also promised to help with night wakings for first time tonight and give me a rest in morning yet suggested he goes and gets more beers...

Wwyd?

am at the amount of me-time he has! How much do you have, may I ask?

... I think you are over reacting here.

Infact, a lot of you are over reacting.

"me time" does that include all the time he is not at home, i.e. work? Or just his nights out, hobbies etc?

You need to stay calm - have some perspective and realise that getting angry, and saying some thing now won't do any good.

You need to work as a team, your DH and you, together.

Don't suggest that as he has had 3 beers, that you may actually leave him

After 3 pints, judgement is impaired and I would not trust with a baby, certainly not for night wakings.

He's been GROSSLY unfair to you. He's basically stolen your night out.

I agree that the three beers wouldn't be an issue for me, the prospect of getting some more would be though.

As for "Won't trust anyone to look after DD" - I'd actually read "Doesn't like the idea of me being able to go out without the baby, as I'm totally out of his control then"

After three pints my DH would not be pissed but he couldn't be trusted to make the decision to stop drinking either.

he has done it on purpose hasn't he?

so selfish

Does he usually drink in the afternoon?

I would still go out but not let him get any more beers in before you do.

I don't think it is overreacting.

The OP had a rare night out planned. He goes out regularly.

He drank 3 pints. And intended to drink more.

The car anology is very good. Would you trust him to drive your car? No? Then why would you trust him to look after a baby.

And how much he had to drink is not the main issue. It is his demanding me time while refusing her the same courtesy.

I think there has been a huge over-reaction here. I don't know many (any!) men who wouldn't be able to look after a baby after 3 pints... 3 pints over 3 hours - it's hardly excessive drinking!

I think some knickers need to be unknotted!

How is it overreacting?

OP posted:

"he insists on 'me time' 3-5 times a week, ranging from 2-5 hours! Its a big issue as when he's not at work he's supposed to look after dd so I can do my 35 hours a week work and then we need time together... He won't trust anyone else to look after dd and yet does this.... Stupid stupid man!"

And that tonight after his 3 pints he intended getting more beer in.

I would not have left my DC with my DH if he had drunk 3 beer - at that age. Different now that the dc are older obviously.

I don't think it's overreacting. If having 3 pints is such a non-event/so minor, why can't we drink at work?

A 22wk old baby is work. Might be very hard work, depending.

As others have said, there also appears to be a control issue. Tonight is OP's first night out in six months, and tonight he has to go into town for three hours for beers. It would be more reasonable for him to stay sober on his partner's first night out away from their dc.

I'm pretty sure DH would be quite capable of looking after our DC after 3 pints over 3 hours. TBH, I don't think it's that different to drinking a few glasses of wine during the course of an evening - I wouldn't drive but could definitely look after children & do a night feed.
That said, I totally agree with colditz & think OP's OH sounds like a selfish arse who needs a serious wake-up call about the realities of parenting. FFS what full time parent doesn't dream of 'me time' 3-5 times a week occasionally but most of us live in the real world .

at the moment I have zero me time, barely enough time to do my work tbh as dh moans about that... Dh's me time is purely go into town, wander around and go to the pub. Work is extra, and he announced he's joining the work running club which is an hour and a half every monday so more 'me time'...

We had a row today about money too, we moved house and have to pay more rent, had to as was so squashed in old house etc and at the time dh said he'd do extra/pay more housekeeping so today on pay day I asked him and he offered £50 extra, meaning i'd have to find £200 myself... He moaned like hell as he only has £60-75 a week to play with and 'most men have at least a ton..' I have £5-10 and am annoyed about that too..

After the beer incident he brought that up again and said 'you take all my money, I work hard, its not fair, your hairbrained idea to move etc' and basically said I stop him doing everything and he told me when we got married I couldn't make him do anything etc.... All I ask is he does his share but this is apparently wrong and he has stormed off to bed after telling me to go out, so I got dressed and have gone for walk around block.... Arghhhhh

The three beers in isolation wouldn't have bothered me, but he sounds like a selfish twat overall.

this is about so much more than the beer and babysitting!

he is behaving appallingly and with no sense of his responsibilities

you need a serious talk when he is sober or 2,5,10 yrs down the line NOTHING will have changed - can you carry on living like that, with the bitterness over the unfairness of it all. No, nor should you.

So he has £60-75 a week to spend on whatever he likes and you have £5-10? He has "me time" 3-5 times a week and you have none? How can you love like that? As StayFrosty says, you BOTH work hard, and he needs to accept it's not "his money". He sounds like a child with all his free time and his whining about his pocket money, not a responsible father. He DOES realise he is a father and is therefore 50% responsible for looking after your baby....?

In your situation, when I'd calmed down, I would sit down and explain that your total of £65-85 play money per week is going to be divided equally from now on, and that me time would also be equally divided, say twice a week each. I'd explain that you are equals who are equally responsible, work equally hard and are equally deserving of leisure time. If after having time to think about it he didn't accept that, things would get f*cking serious. Good luck!

I mean "How can you LIVE like that?" Although love fits in well too.

the sad thing is he is as arsey when totally sober, its never his fault, he admits he's selfish and two previous long term relationships ended because of that and he just doesn't seem motivated to change. He says he'll never leave me and he loves me but realises that I may leave him so I told him its possible but he needs to fight for me if he wants our family to stay intact. And no, he doesn't do much housework at all and can't drive so that's down to me too....

He is great with my Ds and our dd though... And can be loving and caring towards me but tbh not recently. I feel I have become a non-person to him....