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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by my FIL?

35 replies

angel886 · 30/04/2010 01:36

My MIL & FIL retired to France two years ago after living in the middle east since the 90s. My DH and I have been together for 6 years and got married 3 years ago. I have a dd who is 6 months old.
I have always felt that my FIL has never liked me but he has never really said or done anything specifically to make me feel that way. I always thought I was being over sensitive.
Since my dd was born he has visited twice and my MIL has visited more - I get on with her ok.
On these occasions he has made many comments which I have felt were directed at me and have upset me. I have mentioned them to my dh and he has just said that my FIL is a grumpy old man and I should ignore him - he's 57.
I made arrangements to travel to France to see them for 5 days with my dd but volcanic ash made em rearrange for the past week. My FIL has gone on no end whilst I have been there about hoe the change of plans affected him - I ignored this as it wasn't exactly my fault!
All the time I was there he took digs at me, some quite subtle, some not so. my MIL didn't stand up for me at all but when he wasn't there she often said things like "oh ignore him he's so grumpy".
It's hard to explain but some examples -
Their freezer didn't shut right and one day I didn't do it properly and he stomped around for ages. On the last day I didn't do it right again and whilst I was right there he said to MIL "SHE HASN'T SHUT THE FREEZER AGAIN" - why not say it to me?
I was wearing some new boots which I really like. I showed them to him and he said "I wouldn't let MIL wear some like that. They are really not sexy and when you're overweight, like you, they make you look even worse."
My sis can't have children and he went on about how god must have decided she can't have them so that's how it is - the night before he'd been banging on about how he is an atheist! She's also having loads of probs with adopting and he said well if she really wanted a kid she'd have found a way!!!!
There were loads of other digs just not all obvious.
On two of the days they took dd out and left em behind with no key to gop out to "give me a break" even though I said I'd like to go. I spent the whole 5 days pretty much changing my dds nappy, dealing with her crying and being left alone when dd didn't need any effort.
Am I being unreasonable and over sensitive?
My sis and mum say I should pull him up on it and say I won't go again but I don't want dd to miss out on her gps and would rather go there than have him in my home.
Oh and when dd was only 6 weeks old he dropped her... still raw...

OP posts:
Original poster
angel886 · 30/04/2010 01:37

I mean he lived in middle east since 80s...

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 30/04/2010 01:42

YANBU - he sounds a bit of a dick, tbh. BUt if you are going to maintain contact, you probably do need to toughen up and ignore it. Or have it out with him now and say you are not prepared to put up with his behaviour.

What does your DH do/say when these things happen? (apart from dismissin it as "grumpy old man" stuff).

Original poster
angel886 · 30/04/2010 01:50

My DH has never heard him make any of the directed digs just the general ones. I told him all that happened when I was there and he said he would have it out with him if he heard any of it - we're supposed to be going as a family in the summer. He was also surprised that his mother didn't say anything.
I'm usually a very strong person but most of his comments take me so by surprise I'm still doing a goldfish impression by the time he's walked away.
I think my MIL knows I'm upset as she called me tonight to check I'm ok - I only got home last night.
I'm just worried that I'll be the one to cause a rift between my dh and his family
My FIL is very wealthy and I'm from a very working class family. I have no interest in his money but he continually goes on about how all he has is our inheritance. My DH and I do alright for ourselves and frankly, I wish he'd just blow everything he has and cheer up! Talk about inheritance makes me very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 30/04/2010 01:54

Well I hope your FIL does say something like that to you when your DH is around so that he does "have it out" with him. Shame your MIL didn't say anything at the time - might have shocked him into behaving more civilly.

majafa · 30/04/2010 07:41

Next time he says something not nice, cant you just turn round so everyone else can hear and say something like 'can you repeat that I didnt quite hear' or 'that wasnt a very nice thing to say, was it it' as if talking to a child or how about 'get a life you very rude man'
Just a few thoughts

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2010 07:47

yes, quietly and calmly "that's an awful thing to say"
am going to start taking my own advice soon

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/04/2010 07:52

YANBU to think this man is a total twunt, but IMO, you are BU to feel hurt. I'd have it out with him, but, I loathe my inlaws anway (and it is mutual).

TootaLaFruit · 30/04/2010 07:55

He sounds horrible. Well done you for travelling out to see them and making an effort for them to be a part of your dd's life. Now it has to stop. You are not just the vessel that carried their grandchild, you are a person (the wife of their son), who deserves a little respect and not to be treated like crap or spoken about rudely.

Explain to your dh how his comments about you, your sister, and the general dismissive attitude (the freezer thing and leaving you stranded in the house) towards you are not on, and that you won't be around somebody who poisons the atmosphere for you and your dd.

People like this need pulling up on it or they just carry on walking all over people (your mil and dh seem to have just accepted that 'that is what he's like'). Well you don't have to.

It's only a matter of time before your dd is old enough to leave the freezer open or do/say something he doesn't like and then he'll be picking on her. He needs to change. You do not. Postpone any more visits until dh/mil take you seriously and realise that they need to say something. if they want you to carry on being the willing dil. Good luck.

Besom · 30/04/2010 08:07

He sounds horrible. What a way to treat a guest in your house! I'm and about the boots comment.

The only way to deal with him is to say 'how rude!' when he does it, and walk away. Or 'I find that quite hurtful'. It might not stop him but it'll make you feel better.

2rebecca · 30/04/2010 08:14

He sounds rude, but it sounds as though he is rude to everyone. I wouldn't stand for it and would say something, but then I wouldn't have gone to visit them without my husband anyway.
You knew what he was like, he behaved true to form. Don't put in extra visits if he can't be pleasant and MIL won't discipline him if he's rude.
He sounds like a spoiled child.

2rebecca · 30/04/2010 08:15

2 visits in 6 months for someone living in another country is actually loads, yet you seem to feel FIL hasn't made an effort. Do you have unrealistic expectations re visiting/being visited?

TootaLaFruit · 30/04/2010 08:26

2rebecca, I don't think the OP has an issue with the number of times he has visited, it's more the way he has behaved when he has. Far better to have a little of something lovely than lots of something horrid. And he sounds horrid, horrid, horrid.

2rebecca · 30/04/2010 08:40

True, but the fact that he had visited twice and MIL more was mentioned, plus if I saw that much of my inlaws I wouldn't be making special trips to visit them without my husband if one of them was always rude.

thesecondcoming · 30/04/2010 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BessieBoots · 30/04/2010 08:57

What an arse. Be prepared next time with a firm, "That's very rude"- In my experience people like that are so shocked to be called on it that they develop a respect for you...

fizzpops · 30/04/2010 09:07

You won't be the one to cause the rift - he will. It seems as though everyone else, ie MIL and your DH won't blame you if it happens either. They are aware what is going on but are trying to hold it together like you are.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 30/04/2010 09:07

I agree he is an arse and also agree that the best way to deal with it is a short, simple, non-aggressive 'how rude'. I'm amazed how well this works. I've used it loads and it always leaves people spluttering and saying 'oh er I didn't mean....' because they are so surprised to be challenged (and because you haven't been aggressive they can't take the hump).

Coldhands · 30/04/2010 09:17

YANBU. He sounds like a right cock. I certainly wouldn't be spending money to go and visit them. If they want to see your DD, I would say they had to visit you, although I know you don't like them in your home. Anyway you can get your DH to tell them they had to stay in a hotel due to your FILs appalling comments?

And the stuff about your sister! WTF has that got to do with him anyway. Ignorant twat.

ipanemagirl · 30/04/2010 09:23

I think he's a nob end for sure. And I personally wouldn't trust him to care for a child of mine unless you were sure mil didn't leave the room.

I think you have to try to laugh it off, never offer him the chance to comment on your clothes or anything. Also you could be really straight with him.

You seem very irritated by my change of plans (or freezer thing) this was unintentional. I can only apologise. Is there something else I can do to make you feel better about it?
People like that deserve to be spoken to really clearly and slowly so their behaviour is reflected back to them and they can hopefully access some much needed shame

ipanemagirl · 30/04/2010 09:26

I meant:
"Father in law, you seem very irritated by my change of plans!/by my leaving the freezer open! This was unintentional. I can only apologise. Is there something else I can do to make you feel better about it?"

You could also be patronising back "my actions appear to have really upset you. I am sorry about that. would you like me to make you a cup of tea and we can go and sit down and you can bore me with your opinions?"

Fluffyone · 30/04/2010 09:47

When your MIL rang to check if you were OK what did you say? Did you tell her that you weren't and that the way he treated you was making you reconsider going away as a family in the summer? Or did you say something like "I'm OK...".
You need to sit your DH down and tell him that if you go away in the summer it should be a holiday for you as well as everyone else, and you want to do something that you enjoy. Which currently means that you would prefer to go away as a family without your in-laws.

Horton · 30/04/2010 10:04

You need to say (pref in DH's earshot) 'That sounded very rude/cruel/unpleasant, did you mean it to?'

This way, he either has to say 'yes I did' in which case you have a perfect right to say 'well, I'm afraid I don't want to spend any more time with someone who is deliberately rude to me' or 'no I didn't' in which case he owes you an apology for 'unintentionally' upsetting you.

slug · 30/04/2010 10:18

Or how about?

"Are you always that rude to people or do you just do it when you think you can get away with it?"

OTTMummA · 30/04/2010 11:00

I would be as rude back if he's like this at 57 yrs old!
The freezer thing was an accident, yes twice, but still not done in malice lol, so i would of said quite loudly, " whats, wrong with you, im right here, i can hear you "

A lot of older men will treat younger women this way because they don't respect them ( sad i know ), all it takes is to show your not a pushover, or are not willing to stand for rudeness from them and then they suddenly have a new found sense of respect for you.
I would also be tempted to treat him slightly like a child and say things like, oh my you are grumpy today, don't be so silly etc.

Original poster
angel886 · 30/04/2010 13:23

Thank you for all your advice. There is loads of other stuff that has happened but it would take far too long to type it all out!

I think I will kill him with kindness like it was suggested.

2rebecca - I wasn't saying that visiting twice wasn't enough, quite the contrary! Considering he's only ever visited us twice in the rest of the 5 1/2 years! I was just trying to give an idea of how much I have seen him since dd was born.

OP posts: