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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by my FIL?

35 replies

angel886 · 30/04/2010 01:36

My MIL & FIL retired to France two years ago after living in the middle east since the 90s. My DH and I have been together for 6 years and got married 3 years ago. I have a dd who is 6 months old.
I have always felt that my FIL has never liked me but he has never really said or done anything specifically to make me feel that way. I always thought I was being over sensitive.
Since my dd was born he has visited twice and my MIL has visited more - I get on with her ok.
On these occasions he has made many comments which I have felt were directed at me and have upset me. I have mentioned them to my dh and he has just said that my FIL is a grumpy old man and I should ignore him - he's 57.
I made arrangements to travel to France to see them for 5 days with my dd but volcanic ash made em rearrange for the past week. My FIL has gone on no end whilst I have been there about hoe the change of plans affected him - I ignored this as it wasn't exactly my fault!
All the time I was there he took digs at me, some quite subtle, some not so. my MIL didn't stand up for me at all but when he wasn't there she often said things like "oh ignore him he's so grumpy".
It's hard to explain but some examples -
Their freezer didn't shut right and one day I didn't do it properly and he stomped around for ages. On the last day I didn't do it right again and whilst I was right there he said to MIL "SHE HASN'T SHUT THE FREEZER AGAIN" - why not say it to me?
I was wearing some new boots which I really like. I showed them to him and he said "I wouldn't let MIL wear some like that. They are really not sexy and when you're overweight, like you, they make you look even worse."
My sis can't have children and he went on about how god must have decided she can't have them so that's how it is - the night before he'd been banging on about how he is an atheist! She's also having loads of probs with adopting and he said well if she really wanted a kid she'd have found a way!!!!
There were loads of other digs just not all obvious.
On two of the days they took dd out and left em behind with no key to gop out to "give me a break" even though I said I'd like to go. I spent the whole 5 days pretty much changing my dds nappy, dealing with her crying and being left alone when dd didn't need any effort.
Am I being unreasonable and over sensitive?
My sis and mum say I should pull him up on it and say I won't go again but I don't want dd to miss out on her gps and would rather go there than have him in my home.
Oh and when dd was only 6 weeks old he dropped her... still raw...

OP posts:

Original poster

angel886 · 30/04/2010 13:24

And yes I did just say to MIL that I was ok

OP posts:

Original poster

angel886 · 02/05/2010 00:19

My DH says he's going to phone MIL tomorrow and discuss it.
I've told him I'm not happy to go to see them for 2 weeks in August and for them to come for 2 weeks at xmas.
I obviously understand that DH wants to see them over the summer but I can't face spending time with FIL.

OP posts:

outnumbered2to1 · 02/05/2010 01:35

i think i would be telling FIL to spend some of his "inheritance" on a new bloody fridge and also to stop being so rude and unfriendly

Original poster

angel886 · 02/05/2010 11:23

My DH has spoken to MIL about it today on the phone. They have just come to the conclusion that he is miserable due to his retirement doesn't really help me!
MIL says she will speak to FIL but it seems I'm just supposed to put up with it. Grrrr

OP posts:

Threelittleducks · 02/05/2010 11:51

He sounds lovely

I would just console yourself with 'at least they live in France' and not around the corner or something (it could be an Everybody Loves Raymond situation) and steel yourself for when he is there.

And when he is there, psyche yourself up to face him off with his bad behaviour and maybe give him a wee speech at the beginning of the day in private to say 'look, i'm gonna try hard, you should try hard too' kind of thing. Let him know how the land lies. Then if he misbehaves you can call him on it in front of folk. And be backed up. Doesn't have to be nasty, just has to be tactically honest.

I'm a huge believer in saying it how it is - life is far too short for dancing around the edges. More pain now - less pain later. You saying something to him in a methodical manner that throws him off could earn his respect. Not that I'm saying you should have to (he sounds like an old git), but some guys like that just need that kind of approach before they take notice.

thumbwitch · 03/05/2010 01:06

Also angel, if the next time you see him is in your own home, I would be saying "you do not get to speak to me, your hostess, like that in my own home. If you think so little of me, you should not be demeaning yourself by staying in my home. Here is a list of local B&Bs and hotels - perhaps they will suit you better?"

That's what I'd do anyway - but I'd make damn certain I'd told DH this was my plan beforehand.

zippy539 · 03/05/2010 01:33

I very much second the tactic of saying (with a note of surprise in your voice) 'Gosh, how rude' next time it happens. If you don't have the front for that then water it down a bit to 'Gosh - did you mean that to sound as rude as it did.' Deliver the line with a pleasant smile and no one will be able to accuse you of being aggressive.

My guess is that he'll buckle immediately.

My FIL is a classic bully and has insulted me spectacularly over the years and I WISH I had nipped it in the bud early on.

SeaTrek · 03/05/2010 09:16

YANBU

He sounds awful!

I agree, definately pull him up on it in future.

Ask him directly what he means by things when he does the subtle digs. Tell him that he is being rude, when he is.

I really like Horton's:

'That sounded very rude/cruel/unpleasant, did you mean it to?'

nickschick · 03/05/2010 09:34

I am the second MrsNickschick......Fil didnt bother himself with the 1st -he was quite dismissive of her apparently - now me and him,its a different story we get on very well much to the amazement of Dh and Mil-why???? because Im upfront with him,I tell him what I think and said from the start if i didnt like something.

Therefore this ex army man who also spent lots of time in the middle east with work (i think the heat went to their heads ) has a v good relationship with me and his grandchildren.

Kill him with kindness but stand up for yourself.

Fluffyone · 03/05/2010 10:39

Really, stand up for yourself. Now it is decided that you're going to have to "put up with it" I think you have the right to make your feelings known. Be kind, and if he gets out of order, just tell him. You need to stick up for yourself, and stop saying you're OK when you aren't... we're so British sometimes aren't we?

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