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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to let parents/inlaws stay at my home around the due date so they are there once I have given birth?

45 replies

VMumToBe · 29/04/2010 20:26

...it seems that the olds are thinking of moving in "to help" for a time...I want to have time bonding with DH and baby...any experience / advice / thoughts?

ps they all live around 3 hours drive away with no other rellies nearby...

OP posts:
louii · 29/04/2010 20:29

just say no!

ChildOfThe70s · 29/04/2010 20:30

It depends how well you get on and whether they will actually be helping or whether they will be getting in the way and expecting you to wait on them!!

Personally, when our first DS was born it was just DH and me and the baby for at least 10 days or so. We just wanted to be quiet by ourselves and get used to things.

Everyone has different ideas but it is your special time so don't be afraid to tactfully put your foot down!

Good luck

azazello · 29/04/2010 20:30

Lord no YANBU. Tell them no and tell them now. If nothing else, do you really want parents or ILs around while you're in labour as you're unlikely to be told to head to hospital until things are pretty advanced.

Elasticwoman · 29/04/2010 20:31

It may be very kind of them to offer, but if you don't want them to stay, don't have them. If this is your first baby, then you don't need any one to be there for other dc while you go to hospital or have baby at home.

EggyAllenPoe · 29/04/2010 20:32

Just say no. It is unreasonable on their part to expect as well. Organise a time well after the birth, once you feel recovered. Or, if you feel you would welcome the help, then organise it.

sophieandbelly · 29/04/2010 20:33

say no! for god sake, why do parents think this is helpful, be honest and say thank u but u want time with dh and bubba and dnt need the help, for christ sake newborns sleep all the dam time they will be driving u mad, u will want to get lots of sleep and slob out in jammies! be strong u only get these early days once they r special, visitors fine, staying no no no!!

ThisIsSpatchcocked · 29/04/2010 20:33

I have banned people staying at my house until a while after as well, so YANBU!! Totally understand the wantign to bond and be alone and adjustment etc

WingedVictory · 29/04/2010 20:38

It's a waste of DH's paternity leave to have all the "help" while he is off, too! (this is unless your ILs are a lot of work, in which case, get their visit out of the way while DH is off... just not in the first week).

If they are unwilling to accept "bonding" and other such modern talk, and you need extra excuses, what about: unpredictability of arrival date, and possibility of being in hospital. My DS was over a week days early, and in hospital for nearly a week (so DH's paternity leave was almost half over by the time we came home!).

They can't plan this; they will be disappointed!

AxisofEvil · 29/04/2010 20:40

YANBU

PurpleCrazyHorse · 29/04/2010 20:45

Definitely say no. 'Luckily' DD and I were in hospital for 3 days but I spent weeks dribbling breast milk out my nips and only managing to wear an old loose t-shirt (no bra) on my top-half - wouldn't have wanted the rellies seeing that

I would store up any help for after your DH is back at work and the baby is awake more, then you might feel like you'd benefit from someone having the baby while you sleep/shower/eat etc!

Would also echo that if they're at your house when you go into labour, most hospitals like you to stay at home as long as possible. Again, you might not want an audience of rellies for that either.

Congratulations and I hope it all goes really smoothly for you.

Rhian82 · 29/04/2010 20:46

No no no no no.

We had a similar thing in that our families are all 4 hours away. I insisted beforehand that we wanted at least a week before anyone came to visit. When DS was a week old my parents visited for a week, staying in a hotel not with us. Once they'd gone, DH's family visited. I just said that that was how it was going to be and no one argued with me!

Mishy1234 · 29/04/2010 20:46

Say no!

You need this time just the 3 of you and you won't get it back.

I was in hospital for 5 days after DS was born and DH was back at work the following week. Tbh, I was absolutely fine and just wanted to be left alone, but because DH wasn't there my MIL (who is wonderful btw!) was coming over for quite a few hours a day the first week. This really forced me to feel I had to get up, washed and dressed asap in the morning and it felt pretty awkward trying to get bf established whilst feeling 'watched'. In the end I had to insist on being allowed to 'fly solo', but did lose those precious first days which tbh I mourn a bit.

Some people do thrive on having family around them, but unless you feel like that then I would definitely say no and ask them to come and help after your DH is back at work.

alicet · 29/04/2010 20:48

I felt exactly the same as you and both sets of parents 4-5 hours away.

dh and i said that they were welcome to visit and stay around while I was in hospital but that when me and ds1 came home we wanted it to be just the 3 of us so that we could find our feet on our own as a new family. And that we didn't want them to come and stay while dh was on paternity leave but they were welcome after this.

Thankfully both parents were totally fine with this. Really pleased we did it too.

dixiechick1975 · 29/04/2010 20:53

Say no. Have you pointed out it could be a long wait for them?

My waters broke late Sunday and I didn't have DD until Thursday. I finally escaped from hospital 7pm a week later.

Yes I know 11 days isn't normal but until my waters broke I had had a bog standard pregnancy and expected to be in hospital for a day or two.

larks35 · 29/04/2010 20:55

YANBU, good god! Surely you shouldn't have em all there! However, if you think she'll be a help have your mum on standby for a few days after birth. My DP was in the middle of a job when my DS came so could only take a few days and my lovely mum came for a week to cook, clean and look after me, while I blissfully submerged myself into motherhood - oh it was good!

ahedgehogis · 29/04/2010 21:30

I might be going against the grain here, but I had my mum to stay once I found out my induction date for DS - he was born before the booked date but still late - and it was a godsend for me and DH. She cooked, cleaned, took baby so we could sleep, left us alone when neccessary and because he was born at 2am was able to come into hospital to be my 'partner' the following morning while DH caught up on some sleep. Think it annoyed MIL but she was able to come to the hospital during visiting time and MIL works full time and my mum is retired so she stayed for a week
For DD again I was booked to be induced so my mum stayed and looked after DS when my waters broke at 05.30 - naturally again - and again stayed for a couple of days.
I so think that it depends on the relationship you have with your mum and the type of job your DH/DP does. Although DH had paternity leave he is in management and sometimes has to deal with crisis even when on holiday etc.
Also my mum had very little support from her stepmum when she had me and my 3 siblings and is trying to give us the support that she wished she had had. I do have a good enough relationship that I can say to her can you go and leave us alone please.

Family all came to visit DS at 5 days old (3.5 hour drive each way, and a Sunday)and DD spread over the weekend and monday following her birth.

My only regret is that my dad wasn't able to see DD until she was 5 weeks old as he lost his driving licence and none of my siblings who came over the weekend offered to bring him over, my sister who came on the Monday offered but he had to work, she bought my 80+ year old grandma instead and it was just as nice.
Sorry bit of a mammoth post their but wanted to give my opinion

WingedVictory · 29/04/2010 21:57

There's nothing wrong with "going against the grain", and certainly not so politely, ahedgehogis. It's nice to hear it works out for some people. Perhaps your experience is why parents and ILs keep trying to spend the early weeks with a new family!

Coldhands · 29/04/2010 21:57

YANBU. Ask them to stay in a hotel.

We had to ask people to stay away for a couple of days after we got home as we were so overwhelmed and shattered. We didn't have offers of help anyway (apart from my nan) but everyone wanted to visit and we were still constantly asked even though we said "can we leave it for x days (I think it was about 4/5).

It is exhausting and overwhelming and I am still pissed off with how our first days, weeks and months went at home. I wish I had done things how I wanted and not tried to accommodate others.

ilovecats · 29/04/2010 22:26

Just tell them- I am sure they will understand! That time is so important for you to bond with your baby and most importantly sleep when they sleep!
My in-laws came over 1/2 hour after bringing home DD from hospital and less than 24 hours after being born and stayed for almost 8 hours. I didn;t get to hold her all day and they kept sending me upstairs. They then called every day thereafter and came round for hours on end. It took me a week to tell them to stay away for at least one day and they are still arsey about it!!I really wish I had told them and feel really sad I missed out on that time alone.

Katz · 29/04/2010 22:36

it depends what you want.

My mum started on her journey to us pretty much once i was we knew things were starting (induced with dd1 and labour with dd2) she lives 4-5 hours away. I wanted her there, she stayed for a week after dd1 and about the same after dd2. She was amazing, she cooked, cleaned, made herself scarce when MW visited and friends came round but magically appeared with tea coffee and cake. MIL was on holiday when dd1 was born but came to visit when she was a week old just after my mum had left. Can't remember if she stayed with us, but probably not because her mother lives locally, but she would have been very welcome to stay. Sadly she had passed away before DD2 was born but i would give anything for her to have been alive to come and stay.

cory · 29/04/2010 22:40

Absolutely about what you want and what would work for you. When I had my first, I did a halfway house: asked my mum to come and stay, but told my dad and my brother that they would have to stay in a B&B if they wanted to come over.

Second time, both mum and dad stayed at our house.

I found them very helpful, particularly the second time round when I was tired and not very well: my Mum got up for every night feed to sit with me and make sure I didn't fall asleep and drop baby, then did the nappy change; and my Dad did the same thing with the first morning feed.

zipzap · 29/04/2010 23:24

might be worth reminding them too that in 'their day' when you/dh were born, chances are that they would have been in hospital for a week or two after the birth, getting lots of rest while establishing bf, bonding, etc etc

Nowadays you are expected to do this at home yet parents assume that you get home at the same stage they got sent home at IYSWIM - despite the fact that you might only have spent a few hours in hospital or a couple of days if you are lucky...

one of the big advantages for them of being in hospital all this time as far as I can see was that they had very limited visiting hours - so parents/PIL get to pop in to see you for an hour in the afternoon when everything was quite settled and then there was a nice strict matron to send them away again without you feeling guilty!

Heracles · 30/04/2010 00:06

Christ, no; thanks but no thanks...

pigletmania · 30/04/2010 00:23

Dont do it, just dont do it! I did, my ILS are from Italy, and came to 'help' a month before my due date so that they would be there for the birth and a bit afterwards. It was unpleasant, I just wanted space to myself before the birth and time for myself and they were under my feet and and on my way. After the birth they were still under my feet and ruined the whole initial bonding process and part of the reason I think as well as my interferring mother why breastfeeding did not work out. If we are lucky enough to have another dc this is not happening again. Put your food down now, say a big fat NO!!!!!

SpeedyGonzalez · 30/04/2010 00:30

If you don't want them there, don't have them there. End of. We had a very kind offer of help but the person wanted to be around in the early days whereas we wanted them to be around later...so we just said no and they were very gracious about it.

If you have a good relationship with your mum you could always just suggest that she comes after the birth for a few days...but only if you want to. Don't feel obliged to compromise on this, it could really stress you out at your most vulnerable time. Just tell them you don't know how you'll feel at the time and would rather leave such decisions until after the baby is born.

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