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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to let parents/inlaws stay at my home around the due date so they are there once I have given birth?

45 replies

VMumToBe · 29/04/2010 20:26

...it seems that the olds are thinking of moving in "to help" for a time...I want to have time bonding with DH and baby...any experience / advice / thoughts?

ps they all live around 3 hours drive away with no other rellies nearby...

OP posts:

pinkfizzle · 30/04/2010 00:32

To the OP read some of these posts over and over.

FWIW I refused all inlaws - and this allowed my DH, me and the baby to bond.

I had mastitis, trouble bfeeding - and I was so glad that I could be in my own cocoon, otherwise I think I would have just been totally exhausted.

You might want to eat and lay around in your pj's for the first few weeks, and not do any housework.

I know friends you have their inlaws for 2 weeks, the Dh also had the first 2 weeks off, these friends never got any time with just the new mum, day and new baby.

LutyensWantsAFryUp · 30/04/2010 00:35

Agree with zipzap

I had my mum to stay with me for 2 weeks after the birth but she is a star and I knew I could depend on her. She left baby and me to bond while she did all the housework and when dh came home she'd magically disappear so we could have time together. Bliss!
Then my ILs came to stay with us for 3 weeks.
Hell. On. Earth. They just sat around wanting to be served and they never gave the baby to me! It fills me with rage even to remember it. They have never been invited back

MadamDeathstare · 30/04/2010 01:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 30/04/2010 02:20

IMO it depends on how helpful they will actually be, as opposed to expecting you to hostess for them.

I had MIL stay with me for 2m - 2w prior to DS' birth and 6w after (she came over from Australia though so a bit different!)

It was not much problem - the 2w prior to the birth were harder because I was overdue, crotchety, didn't want to go out much yet DH seemed to think I should be entertaining his ma. She didn't, I hasten to add! Plus she had SILs to go and see.

Afterwards it was mostly really good that she was there - she did washing, washing up, kept the kitchen in order and basically kept the house in order. DH doesn't "understand" housework , probably cos his mum has always done it for him! We missed her when she left - suddenly all this background stuff needed doing again and it was a fight to get DH to realise he had to help pick up the slack as I still had a very small baby to deal with.

As far as bonding went, it wasn't a problem. DS was a very poor feeder - I spent a lot of time in bed with him because he could only feed lying next to me for the first few weeks until he had his tonguetie snipped. So we bonded fine - DH had no problems bonding with DS when I had to go out for my hospital appts (although MIL probably did most of the work!)

MIL is not an intrusive person - and she always pitches in, she would be in agonies if told to do nothing. So - it depends on their personalities and whether they would actually help or just get in the way and create more work.

Sakura · 30/04/2010 04:33

Let your mother if you have a fabulous relationship with her. NOt your dad. Definitely not your in-laws. But ideally no. YOu need to have a babymoon with your partner.

mmrsceptic · 30/04/2010 05:20

NO it's hell. You can't. No no no no no no no. YANBU. No.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2010 05:29

ZipZap is so right. You need a stern Matron positioned at your front door with a fobwatch.

I had a week from hell with my exMIL who descended on us right after DD1 was born. Twas quite a character builder for me, as exMIL is not a shy person and thinks bfing is a ridiculous and peasant-like practice that results in spoiled babies {grrrrrrrr face needed here}...

SouthernB · 30/04/2010 05:41

YANBU - I had the same problem - MIL offered (insisted) on staying for 2 weeks after the birth of DS - I had to be very firm and tell her NO at least 3 different times - she just wouldn't understand that I needed that time to be alone with my new baby and DH.

Plus - we do not get along at all - I can't stand her and I think she can't stand me - why on earth she thought it would be a good idea for her to be in my house for that long just after baby being born I don't know

SpeedyGonzalez · 01/05/2010 14:35

I currently have an in-law staying who I have difficulty with. Am planning a HB and am due to give birth any day now. Am crossing my legs tightly until this person goes.

Stand up for yourself, OP! You won't regret it.

mathanxiety · 01/05/2010 21:20

Speedy, can you not even hint to them that they have outstayed their welcome?

reallytorn · 01/05/2010 21:31

YANBU - Say no, clearly and in no uncertain terms! We forbid everyone for a month and it was wonderful. You must stand up for yourself at this time.

Speedy, so sorry for your situation. Clench and good luck!

SpeedyGonzalez · 02/05/2010 18:35

Math - unfortunately this person is excessively oversensitive, and is prone to crazy misinterpretations of behaviour that other people think of as normal. Anyway I'm glad to say that I am now free to unclench!

tillywee · 02/05/2010 19:02

No...say no way.

You need this time to yourself

EricNorthmansmistress · 02/05/2010 19:25

Depends how helpful they will be! My mum came the day I got out of hospital for 2 days - would have loved her longer but she had to work. She was a great help and a godsend. You don't need all of them and maybe you don't want any of them but don't underestimate how useful someone to do food shopping/cook/wash up/hold the baby might be. Plus DS only slept on mum he wouldn't nap on me or DH for the first few days!

mathanxiety · 02/05/2010 20:16

Well, if that's the case, she's in for quite a shock when you go in to labour and deliver the baby then, Speedy!

What about your DH -- can't he shift her? How did you get saddled with such a difficult person to deal with at this time in your life when you really shouldn't have this sort of problem on your plate?

I'd try to get rid of her and let the chips fall where they may. Good lord. How awful for you to feel you have to be responsible for her wacky reactions.

SpeedyGonzalez · 02/05/2010 20:40

math - don't worry, said person left this morning. As for your other questions, it's complicated . That old adage about how you can't choose your family, eh?
Plus also I still have lots to learn in the 'standing up for myself' department.

Thanks for your support! Now: roll on the contractions!

Hmm...maybe I'll settle for a labour-inducing shag rather than scrambled eggs flambed in castor oil!

Original poster

VMumToBe · 03/05/2010 11:14

Thanks all so much for your thoughts - it's good to hear that there are pros and cons of any plan!

Whilst not super super close to my mum (went to boarding school at 12) she is just lovely to have around, thinking maybe for a few days of my pre-maternity leave might help.

And for the rest of the rellies, I think that setting expectations now that it might be a week or so before we are ready could be a good marker to start with. We can always move the goalposts at a later stage, as long as it's on our terms!

All the very best ladies who are on their way to experiencing this fun! x

OP posts:

Bianca1974 · 03/05/2010 13:01

YANBU. my MIL was straight on the coach once she found out i was in labour. I was i hospital for a week so her and FIL were gone by the time i got home with ds. Will they be helpful with practical tasks or will they just get in the way?

oceryo · 03/05/2010 13:17

Can they stay in a B&B and pop over for an hour or two each day?

bamboobutton · 03/05/2010 13:28

yanbu!
i had my mum to stay for two weeks as i had an emcs, she was great to have around, cooked, cleaned, ran to the chemist if i needed anything, took charge of ds over night one night as i was sooo shattered and needed sleep.

ILs would have been a different kettle of fish as they are the type who expect abutler service when they visit.

they are already planning to stay when baby is born, without actually asking us if it's ok no it's bloody not. dh will have to have a 'talk' with MIL and SIL soon!

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