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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my inlaws to draw attention to DD's sticky out ears.

42 replies

supergreenuk · 28/04/2010 13:59

Recently my FIL commented on my DD's ears and that they stick out. I kinda joked that I would prefer they didn't say that to her when she is older or she will get a complex.

Well anyway. My MIL said the same thing today and the FIL said 'don't say that she will get a complex or something'.

If I am honest her ears do stick out a little and I am aware of this and am really keen than when and if my DD decides she doesn't like her ears it isn't because she has been told by someone that they stick out. I am aware that I can't possibly protect her from this at school age but I just don't want her to make decisions based on what other people think of her and the last thing I want is for this to come from her family.

OP posts:
Condensedmilkaddict · 28/04/2010 14:04

YANBU YANBU YANBU

Your inlaws are thick.

blackflyinyourchardonnay · 28/04/2010 14:08

YANBU. At all.

My friends baby girl has slightly sticky out ears, and her dad calls her FA cup.

It makes me feel sick.

Trifle · 28/04/2010 14:09

If she's got sticky out ears then she's got sticky out ears and if it's not the IL's voicing it publically then kids at nursery/school/playground etc will. It would be better to arm your dd with what to say if she gets teased/people comment/ask etc. If you think this is a medical issue that needs attention then it's best to look into the options now.

wingandprayer · 28/04/2010 14:10

YADNBU. My ears stuck out and my dad was a huge fan of the funny ear related "jokes" and each and every one of them cut like a knife.

Got them fixed at 10, but fixing self confidence took a great deal longer. I'm not saying you should pretend it isn't a problem, and you can talk to her about them and how she could respond to teasing herself later, but perhaps point out that if their DGC feels sensitive about her ears she may well want an operation to fix them, and all the risks that entails. Ask them if they want to be responsible for a young girl wanting to go under the knife, becuase I'm not sure it will all seem so funny then.

Original poster
supergreenuk · 28/04/2010 14:10

omg that is terrible. Everyone has got things they hate about themselves but how much of that is down to what other people have said to you. I hate my legs. I remember I used to wear shirts but someone at school commented on my legs and now I never NEVER wear another short.

OP posts:
choccyp1g · 28/04/2010 14:11

YANBU. When DS was 7, my MIL offered (in DS hearing) to PAY for him to get them pinned back. It is the only time I have ever seen "DP" stand up to the witch; he gave her a real telling off for criticising the appearance of our "perfect" son. (who had wandered off to play, totally unconcerned either way)
FWIW DS ears do stick out quite a bit, but I have never heard anyone else tease or criticise him.

lovechoc · 28/04/2010 14:15

tbh, it's better coming from a relative than coming from her peers when she starts nursery/school as someone else has already pointed out. It's going to get a whole lot worse for her.

My nephew has a conical shaped head (many friends noticed it also when I was getting married, and commented on it) and I've already asked MIL if he's been checked out which she said he has (been told there's nothing they can do) but I'm sure he'll be picked on at school because of it. If it's not buck teeth, it's glasses, if it's not glasses it's something else...

Condensedmilkaddict · 28/04/2010 14:23

at the people who think it's ok for family to make hurtful comments because they'll get it at school.

Surely family should be a place of safety, and a chance to be yourself without having judgement passed over appearance.

And by the way Lovechoc my 7 year old has glasses and she hasn't been teased.

lovechoc · 28/04/2010 14:28

you also can't wrap your children up in cottonwool either and they have to realise that it's not always a nice place out there! I'm not saying relatives should be bringing it up every day, but am saying she should be aware that others notice the ears and just leave it at that. At the same time, the grandparent could maybe also mention their imperfections too just to even things out. To make the point that none of us are perfect.

Thediaryofanobody · 28/04/2010 14:31

Bloody hell lovechoc just because people don't ridicule their kids about their looks doesn't mean they are wrapping them up in cotton wool!
It serves no purpose to draw attention to body flaws other than to hurt someone, even in preparation. How sick in the mind can you be!

lovechoc · 28/04/2010 14:39

I think you are taking it the wrong way actually. I'm not saying relatives should pick on the child deliberately, I'm saying that bringing attention to it isn't detrimental. It's healthier to talk about body flaws than it is to plead ignorance.

lovechoc · 28/04/2010 14:41

and anyway who doesn't talk about their body flaws? I have plenty myself and have had them pointed out but I know there's not always malice behind the comment, it's just part of who you are.

Condensedmilkaddict · 28/04/2010 15:18

Fine, but you're an adult.

Different for small children.

lovechoc · 28/04/2010 15:22

it depends how old the child is as to how much they can understand.

Condensedmilkaddict · 28/04/2010 15:41

I disagree. I don't think a child of any age needs to have their physical imperfections pointed out to them.

What's the point??

It just seems unecessarily cruel.

Original poster
supergreenuk · 28/04/2010 17:05

Well I do not intend to have a conversation with her about her ears in any way inless she has started the conversation. Like someone else has said about there own child.....she is perfect the way she is.

I do agree that family should be a safe place where you can be yourself which is why I feel let down by there comments.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and input.

OP posts:
Kaloki · 28/04/2010 18:18

"tbh, it's better coming from a relative than coming from her peers when she starts nursery/school as someone else has already pointed out. It's going to get a whole lot worse for her."

No, it really isn't!! It's far more hurtful coming from family.

cornsilk · 28/04/2010 18:20

lovechoc you sound horrible. Your poor nephew.

BramblyHedge · 28/04/2010 18:23

The first thing my G'ma said when ds1 was born and she met him was 'oh look he doesn't have sticky out ears'. This was an obvious reference to my DP (who does ) Totally inappropriate at any age - YABU

lovechoc · 28/04/2010 18:48

poor nephew?? have I said anything horrible about him?? no.

TheFirstLady · 28/04/2010 18:50

My DD has extremely sticky out ears. She is 12. AFAIK none of her schoolmates have ever been rude enough to comment on them. I would expect adult family members to be capable of the same restraint.

howmuchdidyousay · 28/04/2010 18:55

How old is she OP ?

Tolalola · 28/04/2010 22:27

YADNBU

My little sister's ears stuck out a bit and she got a certain amount of stick for it when she was little from her friends and one particularly nasty classmate of mine. It really upset her and made her paranoid about it.

The worst thing was (and she still is a bit uspet about this now, neaarly 30 years later) when she went to our mother for reassurance, in tears about the taunts, my mother just said "Oh well darling, I'll get them pinned back for you when you're 18". My poor sister was soooooo upset.

ChaosInCamelot · 28/04/2010 22:32

Yanbu.

Rockbird · 28/04/2010 23:22

My brother must be made of steel then because he's been called the FA cup by an uncle for the last 30 years and he's never batted an eyelid. I think there is a difference between being horrible and good natured teasing. I don't know which the op is getting but I can sort of see what lovechoc is trying to say. If you really think it's possible to live in a world where no one mentions anything then you've all got your heads in the clouds. Feeling sick etc is all a bit of an overreaction.

I was listening to some bloke on the radio yesterday saying how we teach our children to be victims and that things that would have been just teasing in the past have now been escalated to bullying. Seems he's right.