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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my inlaws to draw attention to DD's sticky out ears.

42 replies

supergreenuk · 28/04/2010 13:59

Recently my FIL commented on my DD's ears and that they stick out. I kinda joked that I would prefer they didn't say that to her when she is older or she will get a complex.

Well anyway. My MIL said the same thing today and the FIL said 'don't say that she will get a complex or something'.

If I am honest her ears do stick out a little and I am aware of this and am really keen than when and if my DD decides she doesn't like her ears it isn't because she has been told by someone that they stick out. I am aware that I can't possibly protect her from this at school age but I just don't want her to make decisions based on what other people think of her and the last thing I want is for this to come from her family.

OP posts:

Condensedmilkaddict · 28/04/2010 23:45

Rockbird am I following your line of thinking? You're saying that by not pointing out our children's physical imperfections we are teaching them to be victims?

I am open to other's points of view, but that is really hard to swallow.

'Good natured teasing' should not be insulting, and it should not be about physical appearance.

I wonder how you would feel if your 'good natured teasing' made a child cry? Would that be a good thing in your view - teaching them to be tough?

Because in my view it would be bullying and very very sick.

wonka · 29/04/2010 00:00

I love my sons sticky out ears.. I love when he's turned toward a window and the light shines through them I love how easily you can kiss the soft skin at the back of them.. they and he are really sweet and endearing... when other people point them out I always say they are my favourite bit of him!

Kaloki · 29/04/2010 03:48

The thing you have to remember is that, what to someone making the comments seems like "good natured teasing", may seem to the object of the comments, much less pleasant.

It's one of the reasons I try to avoid a large chunk of my family, they don't know when they've crossed the line. And they have reduced me to tears in the past - I don't cry easily.

sunnydelight · 29/04/2010 04:17

I feel your pain, so no, YANBU. My DD's ears really stick out, she's 7. Her hair has to be tied up for school so there's really no place to hide. I don't know whether to have them sorted now, therefore making an issue out of something she seems fairly oblivious to at the moment (school is very strict and there is no way that teasing for personal appearance would be tolerated), or wait until it becomes an issue for her. I'm of the view that making personal comments is rude anyway, family or not, so I think your ILs are out of order.

coralanne · 29/04/2010 05:58

Friend's DD had sticky out ears and she had them pinned before DD started school.

Never had time to become traumatised by teasing.

It's a veryquick and simple op.

TootaLaFruit · 29/04/2010 10:22

Coralanne, can I ask how old was your friend's DD was when she had them done? My DD has very sticky-out ears and dh's side of the family (who all have them) make lots of comments, which she's too young to understand or take offence at but it makes me worry for when she's older. Dh's side is all men (no sisters) so maybe boys aren't as upset by these things as girls are, but I really wish they'd just leave her alone and stop commenting...

Remotew · 29/04/2010 10:31

I was told no funding for ear pinning on the NHS so DD has lived with hers. As a teen she has mentioned them once or twice but no-one has ever teased her.

If they really bothered her I would find the money to have them done but they don't.

Condensedmilkaddict · 29/04/2010 12:00

A girl in my daughter's class just had hers done. She is 10.

Booboobedoo · 29/04/2010 12:09

Speaking entirely personally, I have found the comments about my appearance from family members far harder to shake off (in adulthood) thatn those made by classmates.

Imo, family should accept you for who you are. If you critise your child/grandchild/niece/nephew's appearance, you are giving them the message that they are not totally acepted by you imo.

Very jealous of those of you with teflon hides, but not everyone is like this.

Booboobedoo · 29/04/2010 12:10

than and criticise

FrogPrincess · 29/04/2010 12:33

DD (10 years old) had her ears pinned back last February, and it was done on the NHS. We did have to appeal though, but it is possible, although they are not keen to do it, so you have to fight for it.

She had been teased a little by a couple of girls at school and really hated her ears, so we took the plunge. It worked very well, with minimal pain on the afternoon after the op, and very little discomfort for a few days afterwards. She now happily and proudly ties her hair back for school and never worries about her ears any more, which is wonderful.

I do find that family members teasing children on physical appearance is incredibly mean and hurtful. There really is no excuse.

Firawla · 29/04/2010 13:20

yanbu
its worse coming from family
they should say something good or stay silent. you can understand it a bit from young children in school as they may not know better, but your PILs certainly should know better

coralanne · 30/04/2010 01:03

TootaLaFruit. She was 5 and had them done privately

lovechoc · 30/04/2010 18:04

hear hear Rockbird! at least you can see where I'm coming from...

I'm not saying it's nice to tease anyone, but if it's done in a lighthearted way then what is the problem. It also depends on the child's nature too...

I had comments from family about my flat chest but I haven't rushed to get a boob job!Also had comments about having freckles, from family. But it wasn't meant to be hurtful, it's all lighthearted banter.

You can't protect your children from everything and they have to learn that sooner or later they will be teased over something or another. Doesn't make it right, but it happens unfortunately and there's not a lot you can do when they get to school and you can't be a fly on the wall.

echt · 30/04/2010 21:07

"Good-natured" "lighthearted" teasing. WTF!

Notice how it's all the perception of the the teaser.

Take it into the school/workplace and see how much fun it sounds then. Oh they were just teasing/ being good-natured. Not so nice now, eh? How would any of those who've defended these behaviours feel if a teacher brushed off these actions "what is the problem" or that "they have to learn they will be teased".

It's never all right to pick up on what cannot be altered, and it's no better in the home than outside.

Kaloki · 30/04/2010 22:42

"I'm not saying it's nice to tease anyone, but if it's done in a lighthearted way then what is the problem"

When it doesn't come across that way. And it doens't a lot of the time. The way I see it, you do not comment negatively (jokily or otherwise) on someone's appearance unless they have already made clear that they are not bothered by it. Eg. making jokes themself

Just because something wasn't meant to be hurtful doesn't negate the hurt. And as if being insulted wasn't bad enough, to have someone add "but I was only joking" or even better "can't you take a joke?" makes it worse.

And IME the earlier the "lighthearted teasing" starts, the harder it is to stop, and the worse it feels.

echt · 01/05/2010 10:18

Hear, hear, Kaloki.

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