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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that most of ds 20 month friends shouldn't be watching/don't need TV

73 replies

cityangel · 27/04/2010 23:17

The other Mums of 20 months+ kids claim their children are obsessed with in the Night Garden & cbeebies etc, but surely at such an early age this only happens if the parents repeatedly show them TV?
Is it unreasonable to ask a play date parent not to have the TV when ds goes round?

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 28/04/2010 08:55

ask away but dont be surpised when the playdates dry up.....

pjmama · 28/04/2010 08:56

If someone asked me to do this, I'd probably comply but I wouldn't be in a hurry to ask them round again. HOWEVER you phrase it, I think it sounds like you're judging them because they DO allow their DC to watch TV which you clearly disagree with.

ooojimaflip · 28/04/2010 09:05

Bear in mind that whatever the possible effects of TV, they are likely to be less that the effects on your child of:-

a)being born in a developed county

b)having parents who are intelligent and caring enough to think about things like how much telly they watch.

thesecondcoming · 28/04/2010 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inchhighprivateeye · 28/04/2010 09:14

I had a child come round for a play, and his mum made a point of telling me how they didn't watch TV. She didn't actually ask me not to put it on, but the implication was there. I found it enormously patronising that she was assuming that I would just leave them in front of the telly. It all felt a bit judgey.

Anyway, he came round, TV wasn't on. And he proceded to sing the whole of the CBeebies Autumnwatch song and beg me to have the telly on. Sometimes banning things makes them more attractive than they would otherwise be.

minxofmancunia · 28/04/2010 09:14

YABU, and precious. If their dcs watch a bit of tv/dvds it's up to them and you can't impose your ideas on their (harmless imo) way of doing things.

I've distanced myself from a friend because of her draconian parenting "rules" which she insisted on whlist at my house no tv being one of them. Found her attitude insufferable after a while esp the way she imposed them EVERYWHERE.

You can't inflict your way of doing things at someones elses house I'm afraid and if you persist in this vein your dc may end up quite lonely.

However saying that fwiw I don't switch the tv on during playdates I expect the dcs to play with each other/entertain themselves. Dd is 3.7 though and has only really had other dcs round since age 2. She had a friend round on Saturday who followed me round the whole time demanding I put the tv on which I refused to do. Cue tantrummy type behaviour. It's put me off asking that particular child round again.

traceybath · 28/04/2010 09:16

Well I think its rude full stop to have the tv on when you have visitors - surely I wasn't the only one brought up like that?

But equally it would be rude to ask to turn it off.

So I would just grin and bare it.

Oh and I'm not opposed to dc's watching tv - just think its rude to have it on when you have guests.

shivster1980 · 28/04/2010 09:41

No you were not the only one traceybath . We always have the TV off if we have visitors. Always have always will it's curteous IMO.

However I agree with you too that if it is on when you arrive it would also be rude to turn it off.

Rock and hard place territory.

RockSteady · 28/04/2010 10:16

YABU - a bit of tv doesn't do any harm and is great for giving parents a bit of peace for 20 minutes or so. Good for you to not have it on in your house but watching a couple of programmes at a friends will not harm your child and if you ask them not to have it on you will sound judgey.

cory · 28/04/2010 10:24

While I certainly do not think TV is necessary for toddlers (mine never had it), I do think you would need very strong reasons for asking other people to turn the TV off in their own homes. It sounds like you think TV is something which could adversely affect your child at the first encounter, like an allergic reaction, or certain drugs where you can go into a coma the first time you take them.

What if you go into a restaurant where the TV is on? Or a shop where they sell TVs? Or a hospital waiting room? Has anyone actually ever suggested that occasional exposure to television can do anything to your brain?

duchesse · 28/04/2010 10:31

YANBU, under 3s definitely do not need to watch any television.

My personal feeling is that television at this age hampers their social and linguistic development. But I am also amazed that anybody would have a playdate for an under 2. Are you staying with your DS? If so, can you suggest going out to the park for a walk/ trip to the swings, instead?

YABU to ask to turn the telly off in someone else's house. As long as your son is not constantly round at this person's house, no harm will come of occasionally seeing television- it's not staring at a Gorgon you know.

mrsruffallo · 28/04/2010 10:34

YANBU
There is no need to have the tv on when there are visitors round.
Some people have it on all day, switched to the c beebies channel.
I think at this age a child can enjoy 2 or 3 programmes but all day is not a good thing

mrsruffallo · 28/04/2010 10:35

I have asked a friend to turn it off, as I wanted my son yo play, not watch TV all day. It was fine.

LadyBiscuit · 28/04/2010 10:44

See this is what you get when you send babies on playdates.

Presumably you're also at the playdate so why don't you just suggest that you go out in the garden/to the park or something? You've got a good excuse now the weather's getting better. Even though I loathe TV on all the time in the background and wouldn't put it on at a playdate, I'd be hugely pissed off and think you were a total PFB if you said 'that's a parenting choice we've made' and wouldn't invite you back again!

ROFL at you doing that in a non-judgey way realfreedom

janajos · 28/04/2010 10:55

YAB totally U to ask this. It is ridiculous to think that a small amount of TV at a friend's house will harm your child... Limit what you like at your own house, but IMO it is exceptionally rude to impose your views on other parents and expect them to comply. If I were the other mother, I would pretty soon start to limit the meetings we had as I would be so irritated by the levels of control you were seeking to impose....

amimagic · 28/04/2010 11:08

When the printing press revolutionised the world, making books available to the masses, people worried about their children reading too much!

I think we should chill out a bit with all the worrying, although agree that children that age don't necessarily need TV.

YABU to ask them to turn the TV off though.

realfreedom · 28/04/2010 13:21

LadyBiscuit - friend actually laughed when I asked her, we often laugh about our radically different parenting styles and both have enormous respect for the others' choices. I can see how you would expect different, but she definitely did not feel judged....though a bit amused!

Tortington · 28/04/2010 13:24

in answer to the op - i think it is unreasonable to say 'oh yes please look after my kid but play with them and dont put telly on'

whatever you want to do at yours - fine, leave other people to it

biddysmama · 28/04/2010 13:24

dd likes itng we sit and watch a few childrens programmes together sometimes, she likes the one with the animals thats voiced by the come dine with me man as well

dorisbonkers · 28/04/2010 13:34

"I don't think you can ask them to turn it off. But I'm with you; if I had my druthers my daughter would be completely TV-free until at least 2.

(As it is, she does watch some TV, because her Dad thinks it's no big deal and he and I share SAHP duties)"

What tortoiseshell said. Although my DH limits it to 15-20 mins, just so he can have a shower without her howling/getting in with him.

My friends think I'm nuts to want to limit it/not ever have it.

PuppyMonkey · 28/04/2010 13:35

I wouldn't ask someone to turn telly off if my dd was round at someone else's house (just as I wouldn't ask YOU to turn it on iyswim).

And btw, if you told me to turn mine off while your dc was at mine, I would prob smile politely then turn it on when you had gone.

APassionateWoman · 28/04/2010 13:38

YAB a bit U. I know there are studies that show TV isn't good for young children etc, but in my experience, it really isn't a problem in small doses. I adore the Night Garden and my 18 mth old watches it every day. But that's all she watches. It is a very gentle programme.

I think TV is more of a problem if a) it is on continuously or b) children are exposed to television they are not ready for age-wise.

I do think the whole merchandising around kid's TV is another problematic issue, but as parents, we control the purse strings and certainly don't have to buy all this crap. My school-age child doesn't own much of it, so it is possible.

I don't think YABU not to allow your child to watch TV if that's what you think is best, but making sweeping judgements about other parents allowing it is unreasonable, yes.

Casserole · 28/04/2010 14:01

First baby is it?

I wouldn't worry too much to be honest. You won't be asked round again so the problem will be self-limiting quite quickly!

LadyBiscuit · 28/04/2010 14:36

realfreedom - I think it massively depends on whether it's a friend or a 'mother of another 20m kid' - ie someone you've met through playgroups or whatever.

I have said to a friend 'do you mind if we turn the telly off because we don't have cable and my DC will sit in front of it slack-jawed all afternoon' and that was cool. But I wouldn't say it to someone who I really didn't know that well and who might take offence

Oblomov · 28/04/2010 14:44

YABU. Ds2 shows no interest in tv. zero. He is 1.6 All his friends love it.
Whats wrong with a bit of tv. if you have a small time scale , in amongst all the other fun partys of a day / activities.
Think you are being a bit precious.
Besides you can't tell someone else what to do in their own home. They might not wash up before guests come. or might not take their shoes off, or might ....
none of your business what they do int he privacy of their own home.
If you don't like it.don't go.