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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave 1 yr old with DP for 9 days?

56 replies

Bluesunday · 27/04/2010 10:50

Hi, I just wanted to get some opinions on this. I really want to do a sponsored trek along the Great Wall of China for the National Autistic Society. My DS has autism, so it's a cause I feel really strongly about. The trek is happening October 2011, and I would aim to raise £3000 from it. I'm currently PG, due in October, so if I signed up for the trek I would be leaving a 1 year old baby with DP and PIL for 9 days. My other kids will be 14 and 10, but I have been away from them before (7 days in 2008) and they were fine, it's just leaving a baby I feel a bit weird about. Do you think it's selfish of me to want to do this? Do you think 1 is too young to leave for 9 days, should I forget the idea? Opinions would be great but please don't be mean! Thanks!

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 27/04/2010 13:19

My husband has gone on business trips for up to 7 days at a time since our daughter was 4 months old.

She's been fine every time (no-one even questions whether that's neglectful, of course ) but the last time, when she was 1, she was a bit wary of him the evening he returned. She was fine by the next morning, though, and fine ever since.

I'd say go for it, why not? No-one would think twice about a Dad leaving his child with their Mum for 9 days, and you're no longer breastfeeding.

ShadeofViolet · 27/04/2010 13:30

YANBU at all.

It is actually something I was considering doing too (my DS2 has Autism). I would love to do but but im really unsure if I could raise enough. Plus its from the 8th-16th October and its DD's birthday on the 9th.

Good luck to you

grottielottie · 27/04/2010 13:39

yanbu for leaving your baby for nine days and I'm sure you will have a fantastic time, yabu though if you ask your friend and family to subsidies said trip in the name of charity.

Original poster
Bluesunday · 27/04/2010 13:40

tortoise - DP already has a motorbiking holiday in Cyprus booked (7 days - with my full blessing, I might add, I think it's really important we both have our "me" time), and he hasn't been weeping at the thought of being away from the kids - but it's different for mums, somehow!
Shadeofviolet - that's such a shame! We could have cried over missing our kids together

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 27/04/2010 13:41

I don't suppose YABU really.

Though I don't think the charitable angle is here nor there - the baby and it's carers will feel exactly the same being without you for 9 whether you're raising vital cash and awareness or sunning yourself and sipping cocktails.

Not that I have any agenda against sunshine and cocktails!!

Original poster
Bluesunday · 27/04/2010 13:42

grottielottie - I don't get what you mean - sorry (pregnancy brain).

OP posts:
ShadeofViolet · 27/04/2010 13:46

Bluesunday - I haven't ruled it out yet

5DollarShake · 27/04/2010 13:48

I wouldn't take 'feeling weird about it' as some sort of sub-conscious message that you shouldn't go.

Of course you feel weird about it! You're a Mum, not a robot - it would be weird if you didn't feel weird!

Only you know your own family set-up well enough to know how much you will all miss each other and whether it's truly worth it or not.

However if you do decide that all of you can manage (and there's no reason to think you can't), then that's all that matters; not whether other people may or may not be able to cope with the separation for that length of time.

grottielottie · 27/04/2010 14:04

Some people do these kinds of trips, which are costly in themselves (flights, accommodation food, etc), and take these costs out of the sponsorship, with whatever is left going to the charity.

It ends up feeling like you are subsidizing someone?s holiday, rather than donating directly to charity; after all you could quite easily walk the same distance in the u.k at considerably less cost.

Original poster
Bluesunday · 27/04/2010 14:24

Oh right... umm, I don't know how to answer that, I haven't really thought of it in that way before, perhaps that's a little naive of me. I know that I have to fund the trip(£1300), and then raise a minimum in sponsorship (£2600). I figured more people would sponsor me more money for treking the Great Wall than for doing a sponsored silence or something, just seems a little bit more of an effort is involved on my part and people might feel more inclined to give money, I don't know. I didn't think of it as a holiday, more an adventure. I'm not going to be lying in the sun or anything, we're trekking 8 hours a day and camping overnight. I don't know now, I feel a bit and . But I guess if people feel like I'm doing this for a free holiday then they don't have to sponsor me, do they...???

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 27/04/2010 14:29

Do it, it's for a good cause. Now if you told us you were going to Spain to drink yourself silly then you would have been hauled over the MN coals

Original poster
Bluesunday · 27/04/2010 14:32

Actually, sod it, drinking in Spain sounds more relaxing, no training involved and no worries about blisters and losing toenails, don't tell DP will ya?

OP posts:
Undercovamutha · 27/04/2010 14:35

YANBU as long as you won't be too miserable.
I probably wouldn't do it, but only cos I wouldn't enjoy myself after the first day or two of kid-free excitement.

Your baby will be fine, and its not like you're leaving it in a cardboard box or anything!!!! It really is just down to whether you feel comfortable with it.

Linziwam · 27/04/2010 14:46

At the risk of being hauled over said coals.... I'm off on holiday ( yep, just a holiday, no worthy cause) for 7 days in may, with dp and some friends. 17 month old dd is going to stay with mil. I'll miss her terribly and obviously will speak to her everyday. I'll also really look forward to coming home to see her. However I'll happily admit that I'm excited beyond belief and cannot wait to go! Dd is very adaptable (probably because I made a point of leaving her for overnight stays soon after finished bf, about 4 months) and she'll have a fantastic time at mil. They can't wait to have her as they live quite far away, so will fill her days with fun, love and excitement. Everyones a winner!
I think you should go if it's important to you. It's a great cause, and if you ever feel guilty, you have my express permission to compare yourself to me! :-)

Original poster
Bluesunday · 27/04/2010 14:50

Linziwam -

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/04/2010 15:40

not selfish at all

yes you are doing it for a good cause, but even if you were going on holiday, so what

your child has 2 parents and sounds that dp is more than capable, plus pil there to help

dads go away all the time for business and no one blinks an eye/mentions it

at that age, you will miss them, more than they miss you, as long as loved/fed/watered/played with etc they wont care you are not there (not meant unkindly)

Linziwam · 27/04/2010 15:45

Well said blonde x

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/04/2010 15:54

why thank you linzi - enjoy your holiday - it will do you the world of good - and dd will have a ball at gps

i often pp (proxy parent - have sole 24hr care of children) while parents go on holiday and go back to being john and jane and not just mummy+daddy

my mb/db go away once/twice a year without their kids for either long weekends or skiing and then go away with their children 5/6weeks a year

always going on holiday with children,as much as you love them, isnt always a holiday as they want constant playing/attention etc

TheBossofMe · 27/04/2010 16:03

Will be at Shanghai Expo - 5dollar - what's your friend's band called?

OP - go for it, I have regularly travelled away on business since DD was 1, leaving her with DH. Its not as if you're talking about putting her in a cattery for 9 days, is it

MuthaHubbard · 27/04/2010 19:35

i had two work away from home for 3 weeks when my dd was 2.

we were talking about something the other day and i asked her if she remembered - she had no recollection.

go

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/04/2010 22:33

Go for it!! Every day is a holiday for young kids, whoever they are with!! I used to use all my babysitting from grandparents once a year for a child free week -long holiday with my husband as the GPs live miles away so were unable to help regularly Started when child number two waas about six months.

jellybeans · 27/04/2010 22:36

I wouldn't do it, would never be able to leave my 1 year old or even older small child. I think the baby would really miss you if you were the main carer. I would do something nearer home.

PickUpYourPants · 27/04/2010 22:47

Another go for it here, I would go in your situation.

DP like many in the services or in business has always been away from home for extended periods usually around 1 week but sometimes much longer and leaves me to look after DC with help from GPs so why should it be any different for you?

lowrib · 28/04/2010 00:29

It's all very well to say "go for it" and "your baby will be fine" when it's not your baby, but bluesunday's baby isn't even born yet. No one can say for sure how she or her baby will feel in 2011!

Her baby could miss her terribly, she might have to give up Bf to go (and not want to), it could affect their relationship badly.

There are other ways you can fundraise for NAS.
I wouldn't go personally, 1 is too young IMO.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/04/2010 00:34

Bbut lowrib, bluesunday already has two children, I think she'll be able to predict with some certainty how she'll feel about the third one.