To not think maternity leave is domestic servant leave?

[strawberrycake]

First baby, 3 weeks to go and just started maternity leave. Feeling pretty good considering the size of me.

My DH has taken the view that since I'm off I should do EVERYTHING round the house. I'm being a sterotype anyway and the house is spotless (REALLY spotless, every cupboard/ drawer etc.) as I nest away. I also don't mind doing dinner in the evening for us or picking up shopping during the day as I feel fine so I might as well.

I think my DH is taking the absolute piss with his attitude though, and I almost feel like stopping the goodwill. Yesterday he left a list of things to do, letters to be posted, emails on his behalf, places to ring, mainly for his affairs. Today he asked as he went out if I'd iron his shirts for tomorrow (I loath ironning, I do all the washing anyway so I think I'm more than reasonable). Also he has completely stopped picking up after himself, cups out, doesn't make bed or contribute. I feel like it's looking after a child. His attitude is I don't have much to do in the day so I should occupy myself productively with things that benfit him and I'm unreasonable not to do things as he's now working and I'm not. He comments on things like me not making him breakfast ( I used to when making my mine at the same time but feel he can manage himself if I'm not having any). He's getting a little stroppy about it all.

I object to this on a number of levels:

1. We have the same job, same place and are equal earners which i how we entered the marriage and intend to stay. Regardless of leave I never wanted to be a housewife and I never will.

1. I see it as my time and it's bloody well earned after 37 weeks of working whilst pregnant and tired. I'd rather paint/ sew/ go for walks etc.

1. I can occupy my own time thank you.

1. This is how habits form. He'll get used to it and I'll end up with two bloody children to care for plus working full time if he gets used to it.

1. It's patronising.

1. I think he should be grateful for the huge amount I do out of pure goodwill, ALL cooking, washing, cleaning, tidying etc and lots extra. and he should be grateful I do such an unequal share, not demand more.

I'm feeling like withdrawing the goodwill with his grump attitude and leaving all his things for a week to make him understand both how easy he has it and how much I do. Just wash my things, pick up my things, leave him a list of half the cleaning jobs. Then I'll see his face when he realises he has no clean underwear to go to work in!

So AIBU? Would you do it all as your off? Or would you lay down the rules? It's if anything making me think I've been doing WAY too much. A bit of background: when we met he was a traditional Russian male refusing 'womens work', I explained if he wanted a wife who worked equally and earnt equally then then he would be contributing to the house equally. He accepted this and the fact he can't afford a housewife!

Go out.

Oh and 1 more objection:

1. I worked full time without EVER having anyone pick up and clean after me because I was so tired after work, even whilst battling morning sickness I did my share! His catchphrase he 'I'm so tired after work, you don't understand, it's worse than being pregnant'. Yes I DO get it, as I said we have the same job in the same place! I was tired, but I had to manage, not enjoy naps whilst I was cooked for (this is during last few weeks of work)

I would print the bullet points out then leave it pinned to the wall in the bathroom, at the bottom I would write I am doing nothing for you unless your attitude changes. FYI I am working 24/7 by creating a baby, it is very tiring and I wish to enjoy the next few weeks of peace.

You're on maternity leave! You're meant to be resting! Ridiculous attitude. I'm pregnant at the moment (only 26 wks so behind you) and my husband has already attempted to cut down/out everything I do bless him, from more or less when we found out. I have pointed out that it isn't really necessary.

I think you need to have serious words. If I think of anything more helpful I'll be back.

i hate to be negative, but seriously - you're fucked.

There is no way on earth he is going to pull his weight if there is the slightest excuse not to. 'Women's work'? Seriously? In 2010?

You're fucked.

LoveMyGirls- I think I'm getting hormonal. I feel like making them the screensaver on his computer or putting a copy in every pocket.

It's sad because I don't even mind doing the things, it's just the attitude. For example, I do dinner, instead of thanks he moans it wasn't ready for the table as soon as he gets in, he had to wait half an hour.

I feel like writing the word 'feminsit' in lipstick on the mirror and going away for a few nights while he dwells on it....

'I'm so tired after work, you don't understand, it's worse than being pregnant'

It's a hard life being a man, you know.

YANBU - your DH needs this

You should be putting your feet up while you still can!

YANBU I am a SAHM and would be more than a little annoyed at his behaviour!

He is going to be on a steep learning curve when the baby comes. No point bitching about it on here though, you need to tell him that you won't be doing all that stuff. Don't hint, don't expect him to guess/know - TELL him in no uncertain terms. No point dicking around or as you say you will end up with two kids. My DH tried this bullshit when we were first married - sort it out quick.

Pronoia- I think we're from different cultures so to be honest he has come a long way from the attitudes of our families, despite their regular piss-taking. I told him at the beginning what to expect with me-and he's been fine-until now. It did take years though of laying down of rights and re-education of old attitudes. I think the re-education process of rotas and talks on the rights of a woman may make a come back in our household.

So, your post spells out very clearly why you are unhappy with the situation

You are under no illusions about the fact you expected to be a skivvy

In that case...why have you gone along with it ?

Jesus fucking Christ, nip this in the bud now or you're going to have a miserable time after the baby is born.

This is revolting behaviour on his part. Moaning that his dinner wasn't in front of him the second he walked in the door? Really? So the second you're not earning a salary you're his fulltime servant, are you?

At 37 weeks I was so tired all the time that my husband started doing basically everything around the house. Once the baby was born we took a few months to get the hang of the new rhythm (as in, he kept doing his half of the work, but didn't realise that his half now represented 20% of the workload) and then went back to splitting the chores equally.

I don't know what to tell you in practical terms, but this has to stop and it has to stop NOW because otherwise you are going to find yourself expected to wait on him hand and foot when you're dealing with a newborn.

I must admit, that when I saw the thread title, I thought you might be being unreasonable, but when I read your post I realised that you are definitely NOT BU!
Leaving a list of things for you to do is way out of order - he is not your boss!

Having a partner at home is not a licence to stop clearing up after himself - thats just selfish.

Does he realise that everything will change after the baby's born, and you'll probably have some weeks where you cant even guarantee being able to wash up the breakfast things by supper time?

Show him this thread, after you've collected a few hundred more YANBUs.

Once you have a baby, he doesn't have to listen to you any more. You will love that baby so much that if he doesn't pull his weight you will do it all, because it's not a job you can just leave until later, or until someone gives in... and if you think he considers housework to be women's work, you wait until he realises how much hard work a child is.

If I were you, I'd give him 2 months to buck his ideas up (which I am confidently assuming he won't) then I'd consider either getting a full time nanny/housekeeper, or leaving him. Either would be better than the way he's going to treat you.

It's only been going on like this for four days (since last day of work). I guess I've been a tad stunned into silence from shock so haven't said much yet. I can stand up for myself fine, if anything I have a rep as being a little too strong-willed and mouthy! I think I just needed the reassurance as I'm a little hormonal and over-reacting a little a times to situations so its hard to judge. Thanks for the feedback. As we speak I'm arranging a meal out with the girls tonight instead of cooking etc. and I'll have a chat on my return.

I was in your shoes a year ago strawb, and I did end up leaving my ex when DD was 4 months old (but that was a combination of factors, including this) - I don't want to be a harbinger of doom but you need to nip this in the bud.

You are not 'not working', you are building a little human being, its bloody hard work.

You won't be 'not working' when your baby is born, you will be doing a 24hr a day, 7 day a week job with no lunch or toilet breaks.

You are not his PA, he has no right to instruct you to do things.

Nip it, seriously!

I hope you are able to relax for your remaining pregnancy, and you have your gorgeous baby AND you are able to enjoy the experience and not feel stressed by your partners demands. You deserve that

You should definitely lay down the ground rules now... after you have the baby the house will fall by the wayside anyway, but the mother inevitably ends up doing loads more baby care stuff and then after a few months many couples have to re-adjust everything because it's got so out of kilter. So I would definitely nip all this in the bud now.

I think I would say that you are feeling exhausted, maybe exaggerate a few late pregnancy symptoms, and that what you need right now is to rest and take some valuable time for you. You won't have any after the birth, so make the most of it now!! and also I think it's a way of getting into the right frame of mind for the birth itself.

Oh, and I've just found todays list. Simply wrote 'no' at the bottom and put it back. I don't think he's a bad person, just needs a reality check.

Strawberrycake - I may be wrong but .... I think you might have accidentally made a rod for your own back with this:

" I explained if he wanted a wife who worked equally and earnt equally then then he would be contributing to the house equally".

Now that you are not going out to work he feels you should be still making an equal contribution by doing more at home.

Talk to him, but I bet that is what he is logically thinking.

In which case he should be made to see that she is contributing to the household by growing a human being 24 hours a day.

Hope your talk goes well, strawberry. If I were to be a total scaremonger, I'd say look at a thread in Relationships called Master and Servant.

Well technically, thanks to mat pay, I AM still earning equally if he wanted to get pedantic! I still have a paying job. I was quite clear about having a job/ not having a job and providing for me as a housewife if he could afford it.

You need to nip this in the bud right now. Down tools woman!
Spend all day putting your feet up or doing exactly as you want to do and then when he gets home moan at him to get the bloody dinner on cos that baby won't feed itself!
Agree with everyone who has said if you let it happen it will only get worse.
I speak from experience as I was quite happy to do most/all housework when I went on mat leave but then dh was made redundant and was at home all the time but still expected me to do everything. It had become my responsibility and although he would help it was only when asked to do specific jobs. Sort it now or you will regret it. Enjoy the baby.

Sounds like you got him "trained" as to what an equal-status working partner did when you first got together. But he's now reverted to stereotype now, to his mind, you're "just a housewife" as it's done in his family, presumably.
So I agree with all the others. Nip this in the bud NOW. (A list would seriously piss me off too and I love the "no" response). Sit down and outline how it's going to be - or rather how it's not going to be. He took it on board once, he can do it again.
at his being tired is worse than being pregnant! Like he would know, anyway. You, on the other hand, have experience of both.

It is not just the amount of work though, its the implicit assumption that he is your boss. Also, it is humiliating to have to clear up after people who are older than toddlers - its not okay that one person drinks a cup of tea and the other person has to pick the cup up and take it to teh kitchen, just because she is on maternity leave.
This is a small personal task that anyone over the age of 5 should do for themselves.

You def need to nip this in the bud NOW!
I am 38 weeks preggers with number 2 and would kill for five mins peace as I am stay at home mum, I don't get maternity leave and have a toddler to entertain and a house/ building site to make vaguely habitable and ready for 2 weeks time. I do all the cooking, washing, tidying and managing of tilers, builders and decorators!
BUT my DH is grovellingly thankful. He is desperately working all hours to make sure he can have a decent couple of months off when the next one comes (and pay for all these workmen!). If he wasn't lovely about it, I would de-camp to my mum's and let him sort the entire debacle out himself. Believe me, you need him on your side at this moment as it only gets tougher in the time to come.