To not think maternity leave is domestic servant leave?

[strawberrycake]

First baby, 3 weeks to go and just started maternity leave. Feeling pretty good considering the size of me.

My DH has taken the view that since I'm off I should do EVERYTHING round the house. I'm being a sterotype anyway and the house is spotless (REALLY spotless, every cupboard/ drawer etc.) as I nest away. I also don't mind doing dinner in the evening for us or picking up shopping during the day as I feel fine so I might as well.

I think my DH is taking the absolute piss with his attitude though, and I almost feel like stopping the goodwill. Yesterday he left a list of things to do, letters to be posted, emails on his behalf, places to ring, mainly for his affairs. Today he asked as he went out if I'd iron his shirts for tomorrow (I loath ironning, I do all the washing anyway so I think I'm more than reasonable). Also he has completely stopped picking up after himself, cups out, doesn't make bed or contribute. I feel like it's looking after a child. His attitude is I don't have much to do in the day so I should occupy myself productively with things that benfit him and I'm unreasonable not to do things as he's now working and I'm not. He comments on things like me not making him breakfast ( I used to when making my mine at the same time but feel he can manage himself if I'm not having any). He's getting a little stroppy about it all.

I object to this on a number of levels:

1. We have the same job, same place and are equal earners which i how we entered the marriage and intend to stay. Regardless of leave I never wanted to be a housewife and I never will.

1. I see it as my time and it's bloody well earned after 37 weeks of working whilst pregnant and tired. I'd rather paint/ sew/ go for walks etc.

1. I can occupy my own time thank you.

1. This is how habits form. He'll get used to it and I'll end up with two bloody children to care for plus working full time if he gets used to it.

1. It's patronising.

1. I think he should be grateful for the huge amount I do out of pure goodwill, ALL cooking, washing, cleaning, tidying etc and lots extra. and he should be grateful I do such an unequal share, not demand more.

I'm feeling like withdrawing the goodwill with his grump attitude and leaving all his things for a week to make him understand both how easy he has it and how much I do. Just wash my things, pick up my things, leave him a list of half the cleaning jobs. Then I'll see his face when he realises he has no clean underwear to go to work in!

So AIBU? Would you do it all as your off? Or would you lay down the rules? It's if anything making me think I've been doing WAY too much. A bit of background: when we met he was a traditional Russian male refusing 'womens work', I explained if he wanted a wife who worked equally and earnt equally then then he would be contributing to the house equally. He accepted this and the fact he can't afford a housewife!

Don't you DARE start slaving away for him...you'll be undoing years of good work!
You have options:

1. Suddenly come down with a terrible 'late pregnancy' affliction which means you cannot lift a finger, he needs to leave you a packed lunch when he swans off to work and returns to make you tea in good time.
2. Write a list NOW of the chores and what you think you'll be able to achieve. DH does the ironing, I know I don't work but I hate it and it is all that is expected of him (outside of childcare). He leaves 3 week gaps and then makes big noises about having to spend an entire Sunday doing it but tough, it's his only chore, he knows he has to do it and I never back down on it.

Now the babies are all born, I have a timetable on the fridge - it's really just to illustrate that I don't sit on MN all day

And if all that fails, leave him on his own for an entire dy with baby when it comes along. I GUARANTEE when you get home he'll say "I don't know how you do it!"

YANBU!

He needs to seriously realise that you will need a LOT of support from him in the early months when the baby arrives and he would be better off picking up some of the slack now. You have done really well working up to 37 weeks and deserve and NEED some time to yourself. It's important for your body and mind to have winding down time to prepare yourself for labour and a newborn.

You are being very kind doing so much around the house atm and I'm not against staying active in the final weeks. However, you should be doing this by taking walks etc.

Maybe a word in his ear from a friend who is a relatively new Dad might do the trick? If not, have him read this thread.

Continuing with the rod for your own back theme.

Up until last week you were doing the 'superwoman act'. DW used to wear me out at that stage. Then she overnight turned into an elephant on the sofa.

Things have suddenly caught up with you. Sit down with DH and explain how you suddenly feel very tired. He just may not be aware of it if he is out at work all day.

Try not to start a war, but negotiate a rejig of things.

hmm, I think I've fallen into the 'superwoman' trap for a while on reflection, spotless house, mega-organised a work and basically the one people lean on who always projects an image of being able to cope with/ solve anything. I was when I was younger with a man who bcame abusive towards the end, this pushed me into a very feminist and prove I'm a strong woman stage. I interpreted being a strong woman as proving I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING without a man and generally being a superwoman. I studied law and got a first, learnt to do every DIY task and support myself in every way. I still had this way of protecting myself when I met DH I guess, proving I didn't NEED a man and that I wanted one. I liked to be established financially, emotionally etc so it made no difference to me if he turned out to be a git too and I/ he left abruptly(he isn't). Maybe this has contributed a bit, I tend to get myself in this situtation, people forget at work too that I'm not super-human and I've run into problems at work doing everything, being given more and mor ethen getting overloaded. Maybe it's more two-way than I've realised and just needs a good proper open chat. Im learning too I guess, that being a strong woman doesn't mean doing everything, it means knowing your limits and compromising and sharing too without fear.

Interesting how the replies of others get you thinking and can trigger old emotions. Thank you. I though being a weak woman was the problem, but I guess you can also be too strong. I need to rely on him more and ask for help more when I need it.

YANBU - agree with all the 'nip it in the bud' advice here.

Plus, being at home with a new baby is FULL TIME work.

Have you got the freezer sorted with meals (for YOU) for after the baby comes? Doesn't sound like he is going to be cooking for you at all?

You sound sorted enough and stroppy enough to read him the riot act & straighten this out. Good Luck & enjoy the next few weeks before your baby comes - do exactly what you want to do, relax & enjoy.

Take his list, rip it up into teeny tiny little pieces, put it into a beautiful envelope addressed to him and hand it back when he comes home.

Write him a list:

1. do not tell me what to do.
2. I am not your Mummy.
3. get your ass in the kitchen and make me a cup of tea.

Whenever he forgets to clear up after himself, pick up whatever it is (dirty cup etc.) and hand it to him saying, 'excuse me, you appear to have forgotten to clear up after yourself.'

It irrelevant whether or not you work or whether or not you earn.

ok dont mean to worry you strawberrycake but 4 years ago I was in the EXACT same situation....I kicked the selfish bastard out when my son was a few months old.

i was so much happier once i only had 1 kid to deal with!

and now 4 years on i am engaged to someone else, we have an 11 month old DD of our own and he is not a lazy, selfish arsehole that expects me to do everything.

as other posters have said, nip it in the bud if u can. but - to be honest, i think if a man has got it in him to be like this then he aint gonna change.

strawberry - you sound just like my DW (not the abusive former partner bit). You talk just like her, professional and driven in all things, super organised, more than a match for any man, pregnancy was just a bump in the road, etc, etc. However, for the next 6 months you will have to ask for and accept help from DH. I used to get exasperated with DW at times telling her to sit down and let me do things. I gave up in the end until she realised it herself.

You and DH are facing a massive change in your established roles. Both of you need to talk and adjust. Your DH sounds alright to me, just needs a bit of prodding and made aware of how you are feeling. Remember, also that the pregnancy and upcoming birth are still a pretty abstract thing and does not feel as real for him as it does for you at the moment.

All the best with the birth.

Well done on writing "no" on his list!

I definitely agree that he needs to get over this attitude immediately. You're right that being strong doesn't mean saying yes to everything and doing it properly - it can mean saying no and sticking to it.

Let us know how you get on!

I agree with springy!! Come down with a terrible made up affliction. Tell him that pregnant ladies need their rest so the baby is healthy. Or if I was you I would tell him to eff right off!!!!! (but that's just because I have a way with words) and then cry alot so he feels guilty

My lovely DH feels guilty (seriously!) about asking me to do anything at the moment, and I'm only 31 weeks! -- so yours is being a dick. Tell him your MW says you're seriously overstrained and must spend the next 3 weeks plus with your feet up on the sofa.

Strawb I feel your pain. My DH is half Greek and when I first met him, we were qutie young and he was still living at home with his slave mother. Although he loved that I was a career/nights out with girlfriends/share the housework girl, it was quite a journey until we got to a place where he fully embraced the idea that we were in a partnership with the same goals so it really didn't matter who took the rubbish out / cooked the dinner - the result was the same. After nearly 10 years of being together, we got married and a year later I got preg with DD and EXACTLY the same thing started to happen. Suddenly I was at home on maternity leave and he reverted back to his 'traditional' upbringing and started to expect me to do everything because he was 'out at work' all day. This started to become a huge problem for us and we were going round in circles arguing about our 'roles' at a time which should have been peaceful and joyful. I even had to contend with his Mother phoning me up nearly every day and asking me what I was 'doing for his tea?' !! (I used to tell her things like 'toast' just to wind her up).

Eventually, I tried approaching it differently. I told him that yes, for the time being, my 'unpaid job' would be to be a mother and housewife and that my work ethic of 'doing the best I can' would reamin in place. In return he would come home every night and accept that what was done was done and what wasn't, wasn't.

During maternity leave, I really did very little and stuck to my guns that this time was for me to rest and relax. So whilst DH never came home to a shit-tip as I would hate this as much as him, I certainly didn't take on 'extra work' (although I quite enjoyed having time to cook proper meals which he really appreciated). I made sure he listened to the midwife telling me to rest I remarked to his mother that I was feeling very tired all the time. Annoyingly my plan worked, and one call from her telling him to make sure I was being waited on hand and foot was at all it took.

After DD was born and I became a SAHM for a while and I stuck to the 'what's done is done,, what isn't, isn't' mantra. I did what I thought was reasonable in the day in terms of housework - if DD left the odd cup out I would wash it, if it became a regular thing, they would be waiting for him when he got home. The weekend chores were divided 50/50. I stood my ground over what was 'reasonable' and 'unreasonable' until he got it. Now 4 years and 2 DC later, we are back to being equals.

Strawb, you absolutely have to stand your ground over what is reasonable and what is ridiculous (the current situation), but bear in mind that you are up against ingrained tradition which can be very hard for some men to accept. It can be done and the fact that he has 'come round' once suggests he can do it again. Good luck x

Hmm DP has the same attitude, in bth pregnancies I have worked full time in the city, he has easy peasy hours somewhere else. Both times on maternity leave I get endless remarks about having to do the housework.. what do I do all day.. etc etc. The way I deal with it is probably very immature- I do it if I have the time (I am also meant to be working from home during mat leave and looking after small baby) and if it's not enough for DP he can do it himself. I leave things for him to do- he's rubbish at it but after so long he's finally realised I'm not backing down and either he does his fair share or he lives in a slum

Don't come down with an affliction, the point is to make it clear that you are not a servant and will not wait on him irrespective of who is earning the money.

I wouldn't accept that treatment even if I were a fulltime housewife with no intention of returning to paid work.

I don't think the coming down with something would wash, I look better than I have done in ages and I'm clearly happy and bouncing around. I agree it should just be discussed openly.

beenbeta, I must say you've restored my faith in men after a rocky few days by talking sense!

I've had a nice day out not thinking about it and I'm ready to discuss the issue in a positive and reasonable way (think I was rather grumpy this morning and probably would have started a war!)

crumpette- my issue is I'm crap and just leaving it! I enjoy a lovely clean house (and he does even more...). I need to outline what he does or I'll end up doing it all or staying out so I don't have to see the mess!

Here's the plan for the next few weeks or as long as I feel good. As long as I'm free and feeling fine I'll do the bit extra around the house but it will be my decision to do so and anything left in a list or negatively commented on will cease to happen. I expect a simple 'thanks' or hug etc if I do a nice dinner or all his washing etc. to show it's appreciated. He will get dinner each eve (unless I feel unwell)and can relax a bit. Now here's the BUT. When baby arrives he does the shopping/ meal each evening instead and picks up the housework. No compromises. He has he relax (but polite) time, then I have my time to slob around and be provided for an generally recover. Once it's all back up and running we go back to our normal arrangements regarding sharing both housework and baby care. No compromises or wiggling out or we go back to rotas on the fridge if he can't be reasonable and strictly doing our own things. He'll remember the days of me sorting the wash basket out and only washing my clothes to make a point!

I think that's pretty fair all round. It's a case of we can both be reasonable, and if you're grateful and not expectant you'll often get more than you expected.

He's a good man overall and I can't see him objecting.

OMG, is this man in for a shock when he sees you in labour and giving birth. Women's work indeed!

I don't think this is a stereotypical Russian thing either - sounds most unlike my Russian friends and the way they do things. What you have on your hands is possibly a man who is having a lot of trouble coming to terms with the idea that things are going to change drastically in your house.

The way he is dealing with the prospect of change and the associated anxiety is to try to be completely in control, boss you around and thus make himself feel as if everything is fine and he is on top of things in general.

This is not an attractive or even effective way of dealing with stress and change -- you must stand your ground here and tell him you are physically unable to do more than your fair share and then tell him what that is, and what his fair share is. Tell him you are not playing games, that there's room for only one baby at a time in the house and he is not the baby. Tell him you expect him to behave like an adult.

Then don't pick up after him or do anything he instructs you to do. Nothing.

agree with OP, what a tosspot!

you do eed to stop this now - its the attitude that sucks, he isn't your taskmaster, has no right to be, and you are gestating and Do Not Need This.

if you give in, he will expect you to carry on when baby is born.

My DP and I had the same job, same place, similar salary, until I started maternity leave. It never occurs to him that I should do everything because I'm at home all day. To be honest, when DD was tiny, it was a fab break for me when he took over with the baby stuff (except feeding) when he got home from work. Being able to cook a meal was like a break for me in the first few months

Good luck with training him.

I'm sorry but I stopped reading your list because IMO you don't need to justify yourself. YANBU.

FWIW I think you might both get a bit of a shock when baby comes. Seriously, I know I'm going off on a bit of a tangent, but when baby comes you will go bananas if you try to keep even a fraction of those "standards" up. You might want to investigate a cleaner to come in, for example....

Strawberry, can you point out to him that you are on "Maternity leave" because you are heavily pregnant and therefore not expected to work???? Its not "sort out DH's stuff Leave"!!

My dp would never behave like this! I've had 4 babies, 4 lots of being that pregnant and at home. Dp would come home and cook me dinner load the dishwasher bath the kids, anything he could to help! And he always praised me up for whatever I had managed to get done! The more I MN, the more I appreciate my man! Tell him my dp says he should be ashamed of himself!

Had the chat, went quite well. At first he got a little stroppy with the 'I'm capable of looking after myself, I don't need you to do it''. I pointed out that was exactly the issue, he could, but he didn't! Gently explained that he should be aware of how washing machine/ dishwasher operate as a bare minimum! He went quiet but took it on board, heated up and tidied up after dinner (was cooked anyway) and said thank you for cooking. Was a bit stroppy this morning as he had to get up before six to iron his shirts, but went quiet again when I pointed out that if I hadn't washed them for him he'd be getting up at 3 so he had something to wear! Plus he could do them some other time than the last minute.

Your problem will soon resolve itself as when the baby arrives you will have no time to do this stuff anyway! You may be in for more than a little shock yourself. Don't fall out over something that will be genuinely insignificant in a few weeks time. Concentrate on relaxing and making the most of it just being the 2 of you. It never will be again!

YANBU - have words

Glad your talk went well, Strawberry. Well done for tackling it now, and I hope he lives up to his side of the bargain. Looks hopeful from where I'm sitting.