Am I? PLEASE help re. parents and 'my' wedding

[JaneS]

I have posted about this before (ages ago).

DP and I are getting married this summer. We've booked the reception venue. If the Orthodox church gets built in time (!), we'll get married there; if not, in a parish hall. That's assuming we get a certificate of approval from the Home Office, since DP is Russian. If we don't get that, we can't legally be married in a registry office or church, except the C of E. So my vicar will marry us when he has a spare half hour.

Oh, and we need to sort visas for DP's divorced parents, their partners, and his half-brothers.

Sound complicated? Stressful?

No, it's been a breeze. The only thing that's stressful is my parents, who are driving me nuts. Every time there's a decision to be made, they want to discuss it to death - only to forget we'd ever talked about it and revisit the whole debate again in a month's time. Example: how are we getting from church to reception? Now I know I'm not going mad and we did talk about this, because I wrote a thread about it on here. But apparently, 'since you two haven't done it yet', my parents have come up with - oh yes - detailed plans for the trek. They've pestered me about who I'm inviting, when we're sending invitations out, etc. etc.

There's a family row going with my mum's side of the family (I get on fine with them but mum can't stand her brother or his wife). So my mum is constantly telling me not to offend them and offering to 'help' by ringing them up.

AIBU to be livid? I'm just so stressed with all their demands and I wanted a really laid-back wedding. DP and I would happily get married in the clothes we're standing up in, no flowers, etc. Our friends are lovely and want to help us have a big party.

I've tried to explain to mum and dad that they're making a very easy event very stressful and have even suggested (quietly) that it's not really their party ... but they are convinced DP and I will mess up and without their thousand vital campaign meetings and plans, it'll all go horribly wrong.

Sorry so long ... am really frazzled and upset.

Can you give them some minor job to do that they can happily obsess about whilst you flick through grazia - oohing and aahing at appropriate moments?

tracey, they've got the minor job (making the cake). I would happily give them more, but there is literally nothing else to do. Reception is booked, we're not dressing up unless I fancy a pretty dress later, can't be arsed with favours ... you get the picture.

cat, it isn't a 'big' day. That's the problem! We've delegated what we can, but they know we don't want a big wedding. The irony is, they keep telling us that we should keep it small, that weddings have got too big and grand. But they also seem to think all the planning they're doing is 'necessary'.

I know it sounds pathetic to be so upset, but I am just thinking that if they're like this now, what will they be like on the day/week before the wedding?

What else can I reasonably delegate to them? Given that they are absolutely insistent that it should be a no-frills day and have said so repeatedly.

What about the visas? That is an immensely beaurocratic process and should keep your parents out of your hair for some time

I think maybe you AB a bit U to be so livid, if only because you are allowing this annoying situation to spoil the run up to your wedding, which should be fun.

Can't you just ignore them?

"Mam, we've spoken about this already, I'm not having this conversation again."

It seems such a shame for you all to be getting so worked up and having rows about a wedding you all agree should be low key and relaxed.

That is a good thought Lady - except, I wrote my OP hot off the phone and I'm realizing I could have summarized it to:

AIBU to want them to keep the hell out?

Sorry, I know it is blunt but I am so fed up with humouring them, and every time I concede ground they take it as a sign that I can't cope without them and they congratulate themselves on how 'helpful' they are. This is why they're doing the cake: I wasn't going to bother (I don't much like it), but I asked mum to do it as a way of keeping busy ... now, apparently, she must try several different cakes and decorative styles, and thank goodness she stepped in to help.

So I am really looking for a way to make them butt out. I know how that sounds but honestly, it is characteristic of our whole relationship, and it makes me really sad. My dad keeps going on about how a wedding is 'really about' parents saying goodbye to their little girl - it was sort of ok the first time, but by now my DP is kind of feeling as if they're pushing him out and ignoring his and my relationship. Meh. I am no good at AIBU.

ski, cross posted.

Do you think I can do that, reasonably? I don't want to be a bitch to them, I just want to stop all the unnecessary stress.

Btw ... they don't want the wedding to be 'relaxed' exactly - they just think it's crass to have a big wedding. They think all social events are stressful.

Are they paying anything? If not, you are on firmer ground.

skidoodly's mantra sounds a good one, or you could just say: "It's all done. There is nothing else to do. Now go on holiday and leave me alone! I have other work to do before I get married! Work isn't paying me to plan a wedding, you know!"

P.S. Are your husband's relatives going to make you drink from your shoe?!

Hi WV.

Parents say they want to pay; we say no, we don't need it: stalemate atm but they've not paid for anything yet. There isn't much to pay.

But - what is this shoe-drinking reference?? It's going straight over my head I'm afraid!

I am thinking I will go the skidoodly way.

Ah, it's a "good" old Russian custom. Not as nice, though, as the one when they shout "Gor'ko" (bitter), and you and DH have to make it "sweet" by kissing! Ahhhh.

As for the paying, if they do give you something, you might find the wedding gets more complicated, to spend the money!!

Maybe your parents could take the ILs out somewhere and show them the sights. What town are you having the wedding in?

when I need to keep my 4 yr old occupied I get him to do some sticking and glueing... have you consider that?

Daft question, but why don't you just say "all you have to do is show up on the day" and just organise things your way?

They appear to think its about them and saying "goodbye" to you.
Maybe you just need to sit them down and explain that no - that isn't actually the point of the day.
Ask them to trust you to make the arrangements for the day you want and say that the way they could make you happiest would be to allow you to do that with their blessing.

Katisha, you are very wise.

JustMy - because they wouldn't take it for an answer. They'd either think I was trying to spare them stress and ignore it, or get offended- and ignore it.

Kew - can we swap?! Yours sounds much more mature

WV - I know about the kissing, not about the other tradition - will be interesting to see if it makes an appearance! Are you Russian yourself?

Btw, the city is Oxford - plenty to see and do, but my mum doesn't want to be left alone with ILs - she points out that I have 'always known' how she struggles to communicate with people with poor English. Ahem. Since I like my ILs (so far as I know them), I don't want to inflict that on them!

Can you keep an 'Official Wedding Notebook' and make sure that it is known as such by all and sundry - ok, you and your parents

Then when they start to fret about something that they have already nagged talked to you about, you can say

"Mum, we spoke about this two weeks ago and it was decided that xyz would happen"

Or when they start about something different you can say 'Stop with the panic-ing, I already have it in my notebook just the way dp and I want it to be.'

can you start to gently tease them if talking to them nicely isn't working that are they worried they didn't raise you well enough not to be able to sort your own wedding or calling them the wedding dictators or something that might hit home?

good luck with the wedding - it takes the fun out of it when somebody else tries to take over!

Perhaps you can suggest that they go on an intensive "Learn Russian Course" and will therefore be able to communicate with the IL's better when they arrive?!

They should keep them occupied for a few weeks!

Write it all down and give it to them.

Sorry, posted too soon, I mean write down the details, the schedule for the day, even who is doing the flowers, and give it to them.

can you ask your parents to come up with a list of sites and iterneny of what you and the il can do and see before they go home? Make it clear that they wont be left on their own with them, but it woukd be really helpfull to make sure they dont miss out on anything???

The more you tell us, the more it sounds as though you need a proper sit-down with them, and that ignoring it/their "helpful" suggestions isn't going to make it go away.

Some interesting suggestions here about form of words to use. Which is most likely to "get" them, do you think?

(P.S. Not Russian - graduated in Russian, so have a number of friends, some of whom came to my wedding; we had a bit of "gor'ko!", but no shoe-drinking - thank goodness)

Thanks everyone. I think putting it in writing is a winner.

They mean very well, they're just people who can stress over every little thing. I think I will do what zip says about teasing them a little.

We'll see how it goes...

Oh no! My family were as bonkers on both sides about wanting jobs/to be helpful. I gave my mum the flowers to keep her busy and she ran away the day before the wedding saying she couldn't cope with all the stress. MiL bought 9 or 10 dresses before she knew what to wear on her (erm, our) big day.

Weddings bring out the worst in some parents/families and parents/ils generally have more time on their hands to plan/stew.

A firm 'thank you but we have everything covered, just sort out the cake and trust us with the rest - it is our big day!' with a smile on your face, followed by a subject change everytime it's raised and a bit of avoidance is safest. Sitting them down to discuss their role (or lack of it) legitimises their craziness a bit. And if you can avoid taking any money then your grounds for 'your wedding - your way' are much firmer.

Good luck!

Little red dragon,
Give them a few minor jobs that they can make as complicated as they like .. e.g. favours - to go for alcohol? branded gifts? personalised? Wrapped / unwrapped ? ooo, they could go for hours with that one; - just keep feeding them little questions that makes them do more searching.
Also give them a budget in terms of headcount of people they can invite and let them suggest a certain number of guests.

And try to involve them in some of the decisions e.g. your dress, flowers - you've done the right thing with the cake.

Honestly I've been there and I never realised my mum was selfish until my in-laws stopped her from packing up my wedding cake to take home for her mates which she had invited round later that day. Without us. It changed the way I look at her forever but I still love her, I've jsut accepted that she thinks she's number 1!!

ooo- one more thing DO NOT allow your family to be involed in anything involved people e.g. seating plans, who's doing readings etc etc. That would be bad.

Good luck XX