Am I? PLEASE help re. parents and 'my' wedding

[JaneS]

I have posted about this before (ages ago).

DP and I are getting married this summer. We've booked the reception venue. If the Orthodox church gets built in time (!), we'll get married there; if not, in a parish hall. That's assuming we get a certificate of approval from the Home Office, since DP is Russian. If we don't get that, we can't legally be married in a registry office or church, except the C of E. So my vicar will marry us when he has a spare half hour.

Oh, and we need to sort visas for DP's divorced parents, their partners, and his half-brothers.

Sound complicated? Stressful?

No, it's been a breeze. The only thing that's stressful is my parents, who are driving me nuts. Every time there's a decision to be made, they want to discuss it to death - only to forget we'd ever talked about it and revisit the whole debate again in a month's time. Example: how are we getting from church to reception? Now I know I'm not going mad and we did talk about this, because I wrote a thread about it on here. But apparently, 'since you two haven't done it yet', my parents have come up with - oh yes - detailed plans for the trek. They've pestered me about who I'm inviting, when we're sending invitations out, etc. etc.

There's a family row going with my mum's side of the family (I get on fine with them but mum can't stand her brother or his wife). So my mum is constantly telling me not to offend them and offering to 'help' by ringing them up.

AIBU to be livid? I'm just so stressed with all their demands and I wanted a really laid-back wedding. DP and I would happily get married in the clothes we're standing up in, no flowers, etc. Our friends are lovely and want to help us have a big party.

I've tried to explain to mum and dad that they're making a very easy event very stressful and have even suggested (quietly) that it's not really their party ... but they are convinced DP and I will mess up and without their thousand vital campaign meetings and plans, it'll all go horribly wrong.

Sorry so long ... am really frazzled and upset.

How about coming at it from another direction by saying that your DP's parents are getting so stressed and it's great that your family are so relaxed?

Nobody wants to be the stressed ones - if they get funny again, just say 'oh not you as well'

What about going a bit american and having a dinner the night before the wedding (or the night before that) for your mum and dad and any close family you want and DP's family and give it to them to organise and host. Or some people have a casual get together the day after the wedding often at parent's house ... could they do that???

Just thinking of something you can give them to organise that isn't the big day at all, that they can own completely and that you really aren't bothered about but would enjoy attending. That way you can say that the wedding is under control (thanks for all your help mum and dad ) and you don't need to hear any details for whatever it is they are organising.

Crikey, Lucy, your mum and the cake is a bit shocking.

The problem with my parents is that they sincerely believe that their job is to keep my feet on the ground and make it a simple wedding. The thing is, it's already simple! There are no flowers to organize, no bridesmaids dress, no favours. My mum's original plan was to cater it herself, in our back garden (100 miles from where I live), and to get my dad to take some snaps. The only 'complicated' thing I really want is a proper photographer, and she thinks that's ridiculously fancy.

There is literally nothing she or dad want to organize - it's either not happening (eg. flowers), or it's 'too fancy' according to them and they won't be involved. Mum wants to do things like pacing out the distance from the church to the reception so we can time it precisely ... there is just no need.

I have sent them a long 'details' email, so we'll see how it goes.

Get your DP to tell them it stops or you're eloping.

Have you thought about buggering off to a registry office on the quiet

Your wedding day is supposed to be fun! Nice, good... if it's stressing you out, what's the point of doing it?

i don't think there's much you can do. are they likely to make much fuss on the day? can you just pretend to be doing things they want, then just before vaguely say 'oh no, i decided not' and waft away as if unconcerned?

it sounds a nightmare. my parents are like this a bit (not as bad) & getting more like it as they grow older. when my dsis used their house for a 'get together' after her dd's christening, you would think that my parents were planning a royal event, but all dsis & BIL wanted to do was go to waitrose & get some finger food in, then have a light buffet. apparently (according to parents) they hadn't thought about the flowers, getting a cleaner in , cakes, toast, wine etc. (but we mustn't make a fuss). both mum & sis ended up in tears (in separate rooms, with me running between them).

some parents just don't get that you are grown up enough to sort things out yourselves.

personally, i go for the bottle it up, then at the least appropriate moment have a complete screaming hissy fit about it (which, of course, proves my maturity) before we all politely pretend it never happened. for some reason i'm known as 'the difficult one'.

Just smile sweetly and tell them if they don't butt out and let you get on with it, they will be un-invited!

JustMyTwoPence - unfortunately, DP is religious (as am I, to a lesser extent). He needs to get married in church, otherwise we'd definitely do the registry office.

kissassangel - yes, your parents sound quite like mine - as is your coping strategy! I need to keep them sweet, as mum is known for her fantastic tantrums when angry (or, indeed, when her blood sugar is low!)

Much sympathy. I ended up just repeatedly hanging up on my mum - amazing how often dinner was about to burn, etc...

Only thing that helped was getting her to sort out flowers - I didn't want flowers but a month beforehand she insisted there had to be them. So I watched telly with subtitles while she told me all about them at great length.

Should have just taken the cash my dad offered me to elope.

Did you say there was a church that needed building? Set them to it.

I know!!! HILARIOUS!!
Can you believe that someone would DO THAT?!?! And it was my OWN MOTHER??!!

Thanksfully, it's now 5 years ago and I can laugh about it, however at the time I shouted at her and said it was selfish ebcause it was MY wedding cake and she could go to freakin' M&S to buy another one. So she did

Honeslty, you;ll look back on it and smile. Just keep drinking plenty of wine and gently reminding them that it's your day ... they had theirs x number of years ago!

Could you get your mum to sort out something peripheral like accommodation for all the guests (Oxford gets terribly busy, mum we don't want to find everywhere gets booked up and you could go and look at all theB&Bs - unfortunately, I'll be too busy but we could catch up in a month's time later.)

Actually, Oxford does get busy. I got married in Oxford and many guests ended up having to sleep on the floor at my parent's house because they'd failed to sort out any accommodation in time.

To my astonishment, since my own mother would never have interfered, when I married the father of my dcs, my (now blessedly former) MIL started dictating the most bizarre things. We were planning a simple registry office wedding with a small reception afterwards. MIL decided that we clearly couldn't be trusted with a wedding and started issuing wedding present lists and getting most peculiar about the things she'd decided we needed. She was similarly irritating about the actual wedding so we gave her a couple of specific things we cared buggerall about to do. Kept her happy - not that happy was a state of mind she enjoyed.

YANBU in how you feel.

Lucy - glad you can laugh about it now!

azazello - Dad booked hotels for the entire family (ie, not just my brothers but also my auntie, who I think was a bit confused as she has mastered the use of the credit card herself by now). It was one of the first things he did after we announced the engagement.

Where did you get married in Oxford [nosy]? It's so pretty, isn't it?

Pikelit, ooh, can I borrow your mum then?!

At the moment they've been given all the info. in writing and there's a lull while they work out everything that's wrong ... ah well, only a few more months to go!

OP-you do have a gift list they could be in charge of?

Perhaps they could be in charge of keeping a note of who bought what for the thank yous?

I think this happens to most people - the attack of the mother-of-the-bride-zilla and the mother-of-the-groom-zilla. It completely took me by surprise, I never thought good old level-headed mum would fight like a three year old over the most insignificant little details of the wedding. She sulked terrible because I wouldn't allow her to make my dress or the bridesmaids dresses (mum doesn't sew!). MIL locked our bridesmaids dresses in her house and wouldn't let us have them fir alterations in case we took them to my mum's house.

I think they both saw the wedding as a physical manifestation of the fear that they had been replaced as the person we each loved most in the world. How much say they had in the arrangements and how many guests they could invite seemed to come to represent how important they were to us.

It was very difficult and frustrating at the time, I can't even begin to tell you all the crazy stunts each of them pulled, but after the event we were able to look back and see it all for what it was and realise that it was a good thing that our wedding was so important to them and reflect on how we would have felt if they hadn't cared.

HI LRD, we got married in the registry office and then had a blessing afterwards at the college DH was based at for his MPhil. Lovely lovely day. Unfortunately there was a huge concert on the same day and pretty much every hotel room in Oxford was booked up by the time our lazyarse friends got round to sorting themselves out!

Oh, azazello, that sounds lovely.

Amanda - you are right, I am very lucky that they care.

Ooh I thought of something you could get your parents to do that will keep them busy!

At a wedding we went to, the bride's mum asked everyone to write down their 'top tips' about marriage, amusing anecdotes (about marriage) and their fave recipes.

She collated it for her daughter into an album.

I know, because I was asked to contribute and couldn't be arsed 'forgot'.

That would give them something 'helpful' to do while keeping them busy.

you have my sympathies dragon, we got married a month ago and it was amazing the amount of 'help' we were offered by pil. mil drove me crazy, i refused to talk to her for a few weeks! as the wedding got closer i was able to answer her million questions with 'wait and see, it'll be a nice surprise for you'

be wary about giving anyone any jobs that actually matter. mil offered to do our invites

oh and double check any hotel bookings you've got. fil changed ours so that our room was next to the one they wanted, with an adjoining door

Er ... your FIL sounds creepy, Mrs Miamla!

I am just going to keep them out of it as much as I can.