to wish that my friends would let me talk about how i feel about giving birth

[hurtnamechanger]

I had a really traumatic birth experience and I'm pregnant again.

I did feel like I need to talk to someone about it after it happened. DH and I have talked about it a bit but I feel like I need to explain it to someone who wasn't there, if that makes any sense?

I tried to talk to a few close friends shortly after the birth, and without fail every one of them changed the subject.

It really isn't something I bang on about or talk about very often - in fact I've never had the chance to talk about it as every time I mention it the subject is closed down.

I'm quite stressed at the moment deciding whether to have an ELCS or a VBAC. Haven't spoken to anyone about it really at all.

One of my friends just sent me an email asking how I was, so I mentioned that I had a consultant appt this week, am really nervous about it and can't decide what to do. She's replied to the email with absolutely no acknowledgement of what I've said about the consultant appt at all not even a "ooh, tricky decision" she's actually responded as though I never said anything.

I have spoken to birth trauma association who have been helpful, but ordinarily if something disresses me I would talk to my friends, but none of them seem to want to hear it.

I do think part of the problem is that most of them have never given birth, so for some reason they think I'm just trying to tell them a horror story for the fun of it. A couple of my friends have given birth without any problems whatsoever and I know they think I'm just overreacting

I know that some people can't handle these things, so they are not BU in wanting to change the subject, but you have your needs, too so yanbu.

I have friends who change the subject when I bring certain things up, but other friends I can bang on about these things too. Have you told any of your closer friends, or relatives, about why you want to talk about this? Could you talk to your mw?

On another tack - have you tried writing it down, or even posting in the childbirth section on MN?

You need to find someone to talk it over with who is willing to listen. There's no point in attempting to discuss it if they are clearly not interested.....you could be bringing up unknown issues for them about their fears or experiences

Some people just can't handle things like this, especially if they have no children or had straight forward births.

Maybe they feel you are trying to "force" your experience on them and they don't know what to say to help or even in support for this pregnancy.

I have been the friend who listened. My friend had an emergency section and described it as a smash and grab it was so fast! That was her way of dealing with the fear of it all. I was pregnant at the time and dreaded the same happening to me but I was still there for her.

Not everyone wants to hear birth stories, maybe your friends are just not up for the gory/scary details?

Is there anyone else, a close family member you can talk to? Or your midwife?

Yeah I guess you're right.

I didn't particularly want to hear the details when my friend's Dad was dying of cancer but I listened as that's what I thought friendship was about.

But other people obviously don't feel the same way. Thanks for clarifying that.

you can tlak with me sweetheart, i am on library pc so only have few moents left but i will catch up with you tomorrow

and btw when is your consultant appt?

Have you debriefed your birth at your hospital? I know you have talked with birth trauma people but this is different.

I had a long, hard labour with dd, ending in failed instrumental delivery and then emCS. I had a debrief while pg with ds 2 years later to help me decide on VBAC vs CS and just answer questions.

I found it very helpful, it helped clarify the experience and also to help me draw a line under what happened with dd's birth.

Ok thank you everyone.

I do feel a bit better now.

The death comparison weirdly makes me understand it more (so sorry to hear of your Mum's death jajas ).

I guess I have always felt that people not wanting to discuss it is is because it is a trivial non-event to them, and that makes me feel more upset because then not only do I feel terrible about it all, but I also feel that people think I have no right to be.

But as you all say perhaps they just feel uncomfortable with the subject matter rather than thinking it doesn't matter.

Thank you mrsm, my appt is on Wednesday. Going to debried my first birth then.

I don't think it's a good idea to talk with friends who haven't given birth about a traumatic birth. Until you have given birth, it's difficult to express just how horrible parts of it can be (e.g. the bit where you don't think you are going to live and so on), and in trying to make them understand, you end up going over and over the nasty bits and they just look on incomprehensible. Find other friends/counsellor/doctor/Head of Midwifery who can hear about it without being frightened or needing to push it away. I really don't think I could have said the right things when I wasn't a mum myself, however, I do agree they could be polite and sympathetic nevertheless.

Plus, I had a debrief with the Head of Midwifery before my second (after an awful first birth) and it really really helped, and my second birth was much better. Good to hear you are going to have a debrief too.

Do you know I don't think it's that people don't want to hear about it, it's more that it's an emotional subject and British reserve is still very much the default position re serious emotions, no matter how relaxed society seems to have become. And there is always the fear that we won't say the right thing or react in the right way.

But talk to us. We'll listen

chibi - that's it. Drawing a line under the last experience.

Jajas - not wanting to hijack this thread but I was the same with DS. 3+ weeks in neo-natal. To not even be able to hold yor baby is devastating. I was heart broken for weeks until I could pick him up and start to learn to care for him.

OP - you really do need to get this all out in the open. You need to look forward to your next baby, not be worried or scared because of a past experience. Although, I can understand that you will be!

Perhaps they don't want to listen because they are scared about giving birth in the future. A lot of women are terrified of giving birth so may take the easy option and avoid the conversation.

FWW I had a EmCS with DS1 and a VBAC with DS2. I didn't have a debrief on DS1 but I think it would have been better if I had. As well as you emotional reaction which you need to discuss, the other issue you need to sort out is whether or not the problems you faced first time around are a one off or likely to recur. ( In my case - DS1 was an undiagnosed breech so it was easy to check which way up DS2 was).

Agree, get it all out on MN!

I had emcs with both of my boys and the eldest was severely brain damaged and died aged 7. I've never spoken to anyone about it as I don't see the point in opening up old wounds and wouldn't dream of talking about it to someone who's pregnant.

Most people are either uninterested or afraid to hear about traumatic births. If you feel you need to go over it again either talk to your consultant or on MN would be my advice.

Think they just don't get it until in a similar situation themselves. Had difficult birth and NICU trauma with DS and although friends were sweet, the only one who came close to understanding was a not-usually-close friend with very young siblings. Since then a couple of friends have had babies and have apologized for not realising how hard it all is and being around for me.

YANBU at all for wanting to talk through your birth story. I did have reasonably straightforward births but have been happy to listen to the stories of many friends who weren't so lucky (and it is just luck).

I know Mums who after EmCS went on to have ELCS and others who had VBAC. I am sure you're not alone, you just need to find a supportive person to talk to. A very good friend of mine had huge fears about birth during her second pregnancy (following a very traumatic birth of her DS1). She had a debrief, and was also referred by her midwife to a counselling group for Mums in exactly this position. So I suggest you talk to your midwife and ask if there is something similar in your area.

You might even make some new friends there who are more willing to talk things through.

FWIW, I don't think I'd have been a very supportive listener on this topic before I had kids. With the best will in the world, I just didn't really understand until I became a mum myself.

good luck in finding some support

Were there any MWs that were involved in the birth, that you got on with? I ask because I had a long and difficult birth with dd1, and there was one MW involved who was lovely, she came to visit me on the ward after the birth to make sure I was ok. I had dd2 when dd1 was 14 months old, and was terrified of giving birth again, so arranged to meet this MW, who went through my notes with dh and I, and went through my birth plan etc. She was fantastic and made me feel so much more confident, about the labour. I think you have to hunt down someone with a sympathetic ear.

i had similar. i also found that when i was pregnant with dd, and having a hard time, no-one wanted to talk about that either, not even women who'd had children.

it is hard to talk about painful subjects - you need to be in a very 'safe' place, where it's ok to cry & you have plenty of time to go through it.

i actually started using mn a lot after a thread that was all about birth, how hard it was, etc. until then i had felt so upset & guilty about dd's birth, but talking about it here turned that around completely, and i ended up feeling v proud that in spite of many difficulties & a fairly crap midwife, i had produced a healthy dd.

it is fine to use mn for this, although not the same as rl.

sadly, i realise that i was the same towards my dsis, who v nearly died having her first, but then i was ttc, and v depressed, i just had to block out the whole idea of actually having a baby.

i think it is hard to find the right person - they have to be able to listen as well.

good luck with the consultants, i suggest that you mention your concerns to every health care person you meet atm, until they find you someone to talk to.

People are so scared of talking about taboos. I didn't realise until i experienced one, and now can recognise the look of 'oh shit she's going to mention it' when I talk to certain people.

It's shit, I know. You have my sympathies.

hurtnamechanger you can talk to me about it. I had a horrendous first experience and was terrified, I mean almost phobic about having another baby. I spoke to my Doctor and had counselling after DC2, had PTSD and PND, but didnt know why really. Anyway, my doc really helped me and voila I did go on to have another child and the birthing experience was 'normal' perfect even, so it can happen.

Anyway, if you want to email me you are more than welcome. Just say the word and I will pop my address on here for you.

See if your hospital has a specialist midwife who 'debriefs' after traumatic births.

I wasn't referred. Only found out about her when I friend mentioned her 2 years later. Got a referral through my GP (he had no idea what I was on about)

She was lovely, talked me through my notes, listened.

Gave me her card to ring her if I was pg again (v unlikely!)

Just checked the card her title was Consultant midwife public health.

Contact the birthtrauma association. Tehy can put you in touch with someone to help you talk it through before your next birth. Very helpful people. Hope you have a vbetter birth this time round.

Sorry, have just read that you have contacted them Have you spoken to them about finding a sympathetic consultant you can see? They gave me the name of someone I could taklk to, and she did a debrief, and she also said if I had any more kids she would do an ECS for me. HTH