Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know this should be in 'relationships' but...

75 replies

cupcakesandbunting · 26/04/2010 09:57

I need some advice and I think I may get more of a response here...

I've been having an affair for three months which I want to end. I hate myself for having done what I've done and I know that it's wrong and vile and I just want it over with.

The back-story is this; I met the other man ten years ago. We had a holiday fling and kept in touch for a few months afterwards. I was convinced he was "the one" and when the contact between us ended, I was devastated. I thought about him for years afterwards. Then last year, we came into contact again through Facebook and all the old feelings came flooding back. He lives a hundred miles from me so we haven't been at it every time DHs back is turned (I know this doesn't make it any better, I know this) just a few snatched evenings here and there. The OM says that he loves me and that he'll wait for me to be with him and for a while, I thought that it was what I wanted but to be honest, I've come to my senses and the horror of what I've done and what I've risked has hit me like a lead brick. I feel depressed and just like the most evil person in the world. I never thought I'd be the type of person to do this kind of thing (I can't even say the a word, it makes me feel sick) but here I am.

I want to tell the OM that I want to end it but I don't know how best to do it. I've distanced myself from him in the last week by not responding to texts so much and telling him that I've got a lot on etc but I need to categorically end it. He's very clingy which makes it difficult, I know if I end it, he'll keep trying to persuade me back which I don't want at all.

I don't expect sympathy. I know what I've done will appall a lot of you. I could just do with some impartial advice to be honest. I have no-one to talk to about this and I have no idea what to do.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 26/04/2010 11:41

I don't think anyone's being harsh actually. I think I've had an easy ride, considering.

Personally, I wouldn't want to know because it would eat away at me imagining DH with someone else (Which is rich, I know) so I'd rather be ignorant. But I do think WWIFN has a point in saying that people like me keep the truth schtum under the guise of not causing further hurt on DH/DW but really it's because of fear of losing that relationship. I'm a whimp, I'll admit that.

OP posts:
DeFluff · 26/04/2010 11:45

I'm with whenwilli, she speaks sense. I think the majority of us would want to know if our partner had an affair and i feel that her dh has a right to know.

If you want to save your marriage you need to start from a lie free state surely?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/04/2010 11:46

I think you're being really honest with yourself OP and I admire that. Which is why I think it would help you to have a plan. First end this unequivocally, secondly get some counselling in a safe space and perhaps discuss disclosure while you're there - and try to process what you think would be best for your marriage.

wannaBe · 26/04/2010 11:47

if you're ending the affair and realize you were in the wrong then telling your dh achieves nothing other than to hurt him and possibly destroy your marriage.

It's a very noble thought to say that dh should be told/has the right to know, but the reality is that it will only cause hurt and upset, and could possibly destroy your marriage.

If he finds out then you tell the truth though.

verytellytubby · 26/04/2010 11:52

End the affair by phone. I don't see why you need to tell your DH. Focus on the future with your DH.

StepSideways · 26/04/2010 11:54

Agree with Dalrymps, If a guy had come on here with the same story I'm sure the response would have been very different.

Of course you are only human and humans make mistakes, I don't think your a bad person for this, but..

It's for your DP to decide if you should be forgiven, not for you/us/friends etc.

Your DP has like us all only a finite number of years in this world, and if this all comes to the surface in many years time, I can imagine he might feel those years have been stolen from him, maried to an unfaithful wife.

At least that way if he decides your marriage is not worth salvaging, he will have the best oppertunity to move on with his life.

saslou · 26/04/2010 11:54

I think it's natural to want to not risk your relationship ending esp if you have dc. The thing is, whatever you do now will be right in some ways and wrong in others. If you tell then it won't be hanging over your head, but yes you may lose your DH. If you don't tell then he may find out later and yes you may be looking over your shoulder for a long time to come, but you spare your DH the immediate hurt and you may get out of this with no further damage. It is a tough one. Only you can tell if it will further damage your relationship to say nothing. All I can say is that if I was in your Dh's position I would prefer not to know so long as the affair was truly over and you were truly regretful, which you are.

Monty100 · 26/04/2010 11:57

Cupcake - do you ever go to where he lives? Is there any chance you could get a hold of the letters? I'll probably get flamed for this but hey...... straight up that's what I'd be thinking. I'm not condoning your affair by the way, but I think you know you've behaved like a twat and will have to live with the guilt, and the consequences if your dh finds out. I don't envy you.

wannaBe · 26/04/2010 11:59

why would you want to know?

AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 12:01

No flaming from me...your distrss and regret is very clear

I would just echo that you break it cleanly with OM...face to face preferably so you can best gauge if he is going to blow the whole thing wide open

I don't think I am 100% convinced you should tell your DH (I know there have been loads of debates about this, and tbh, I can always see both sides of that particular argument)

However, if I were in your shoes, the guilt would kill me, and possibly for rather selfish reasons I would have to tell him (trying to be very honest here...). I would be petrified of being found out...I just could not live like that

Only you have an idea how your DH would react to the disclosure...and how very much worse he might feel if he found out from another source

Tough one, but as you know, people who play with fire get burned and your tale should be a cautionary one for all the silly bints on here who think playing away is all romance, excitement and tender looks

It ain't, itis devastating for all concerned

Good luck, OP

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 26/04/2010 12:05

No flaming from AnyFucker. Maybe I'm not as evil as I thought .

You're right though. Affairs are shit. I advise anyone NOT to do it, ever. It all ends in shit.

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 26/04/2010 12:05

I would want to know then I could make an informed choice of whether to remain in a marriage with an unfaithful spouse. If I found out years later I may be resentful that the option wasn't available to me and that my marriage was a 'lie'.

I think you should tell the om firmly then block him on facebook and change your number.

StepSideways · 26/04/2010 12:05

would you want to know if your P had an affair? I think it would be a bit difficult to ask a P if they would rather live in 'blissful' ignorance without arousing some suspicions.

Perhaps should start a thread "Is it better not to tell your P about your affair(s)" and have a look at the average response, my theory is that most people would rather know the truth, no matter how painful it is.

GeekOfTheWeek · 26/04/2010 12:09

I think you should consider ho long you can look over your shoulder. Not a nice way to live.

sunshiney · 26/04/2010 12:11

like everything else, i don't think the issue of tell/don't tell is black and white.

your own regret, relief it's over, and resolve to fix things might be enough to get your marriage back on track.

if your marriage is still struggling, then strongly consider telling your h.

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 26/04/2010 13:34

I've just ended it with the OM. There was a lot of tears (from him) and he said he understood. I made it clear that this was final and that whilst I regretted having to end it I needed to focus on my DS and DH. He said he understands and no need for apologies from me and that FWIW he thinks I've made the right decision.

Thankyou all for your advice and not judging me. Just need to think about what to do next.

OP posts:
jasper · 26/04/2010 13:39

DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND.
EVER

jasper · 26/04/2010 13:41

READ AND READ AGAIN

AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 14:06

Jesus H. Christ, that blog is a pile of self-obsessed wank if ever I saw one...

Mouseface · 26/04/2010 14:13

AF- clearly written by a man!!! Agreed. Extreme self-osession going on there.

drloves8 · 26/04/2010 14:14

.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/04/2010 14:14

Indeed AF, I've read his stuff before. Total, narcissistic drivel, also kept secret from his wife, if I recall...

He also thinks it's acceptable to post pictures of women in various states of undress on his blog.

OP, well done and glad you have ended the relationship. Take your time to think about next steps and consider getting some professional, confidential help.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 14:17

I am not a reader of blogs

Now I remember why...

Kept secret from his wife, you say ? I was just wondering what she thought of all that smug navel-gazing...

I reckoned she would (or should) be sharpening the bollock-boning knife as we speak...

Monty100 · 26/04/2010 14:20

Cupcake - you did the right thing. Good luck.

MadamDeathstare · 26/04/2010 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread