I know this should be in 'relationships' but...

[cupcakesandbunting]

I need some advice and I think I may get more of a response here...

I've been having an affair for three months which I want to end. I hate myself for having done what I've done and I know that it's wrong and vile and I just want it over with.

The back-story is this; I met the other man ten years ago. We had a holiday fling and kept in touch for a few months afterwards. I was convinced he was "the one" and when the contact between us ended, I was devastated. I thought about him for years afterwards. Then last year, we came into contact again through Facebook and all the old feelings came flooding back. He lives a hundred miles from me so we haven't been at it every time DHs back is turned (I know this doesn't make it any better, I know this) just a few snatched evenings here and there. The OM says that he loves me and that he'll wait for me to be with him and for a while, I thought that it was what I wanted but to be honest, I've come to my senses and the horror of what I've done and what I've risked has hit me like a lead brick. I feel depressed and just like the most evil person in the world. I never thought I'd be the type of person to do this kind of thing (I can't even say the a word, it makes me feel sick) but here I am.

I want to tell the OM that I want to end it but I don't know how best to do it. I've distanced myself from him in the last week by not responding to texts so much and telling him that I've got a lot on etc but I need to categorically end it. He's very clingy which makes it difficult, I know if I end it, he'll keep trying to persuade me back which I don't want at all.

I don't expect sympathy. I know what I've done will appall a lot of you. I could just do with some impartial advice to be honest. I have no-one to talk to about this and I have no idea what to do.

Sorry for the long post.

[ChippingIn]

cupcakes - how are you doing??

[MyLilSecret]

Sorry, I do hope everythign works out well for both op and her dh!

[MyLilSecret]

Very true ChippingIn. I do hope everything works out well for both you and your dh. No-one likes to see a marriage break-up!

[ChippingIn]

MyLilSecret - trust me, I understand, more than I wish I did

I think that if cupcakes DH does ask she should be honest - I wasn't suggesting she lies to him in any way other than by omission and only then because of what I said earlier...

There isn't a right answer is there there are only opinions, suggestions, sad tales of other betrayals etc... only cupcake can decide what she is going to do in this situation...

[MyLilSecret]

"A really big part of the problem is feeling you have been made a fool of."

Very true but also it was the feelings and the fucking around. How could you say you lved me but hten sleep with someone else that night. when i asked what was going on and you looked me in the eye and said nothign I was being paranoid. See ignorance is bliss is a great sentiment but partners often suspect, and affairs often come out in to the light. I would have respected hm more if he had come out and said it without being forced to. i owuld have also believed he was sincerely sorry for doing it, rather than being sorry he got caught.

The biggest problem was his dishonesty.

[ChippingIn]

MyLilSeret - you see, I think you are agreeing with me, not mayorquimby! "However ironically I do believe that ignorance is bliss and if I would never have found out our marriage would be stronger than ever"

A really big part of the problem is feeling you have been made a fool of.

... and that you can't trust them ever again... not the actual fucking around - so if the 'adulterer' does see the light and become trustworthy you knowing doesn't help the situation, it just makes it worse

[MyLilSecret]

I have to agree with mayorquimby, having been on teh receiving end of an affair and finding out by being drip fed information through dp's then best friends girlfriend. I didn't find out until my son was 3 months that dp had been cheating on me until literally a week before our shotgun wedding.

I felt betrayed int he worst way in that if I had known I oculd have made an informed choice as to whether or not I a) married him, b) stayed with him c) ran off into the sunset never to be seen again.

The likelihood is that if he had shown true remorse and I believed he wouldn't have done it again I owuld have stayed with him and we could have rebuilt the relationshiop as it stood I felt obliged to stay with him because I had a 3 month old baby and felt completely alone.

Also I could have forgiven the cheating the but deceit and the fact that he couldn't admit it until I had irrefutable proof (his friend sitting in my living room in front of him saying "you think you know him byut youdont" ate away at me until it destroyed the relationship. And even though we stayed married and worked through it over many many years, I still don't trust his word. Not that I owuld think he would cheat again. But when he says something I always wonder if he's telling me the truth.

Not trying to guilt you op, but don't believe the whole "lying for you" argument. these things nearly always come out. However ironically I do believe that ignorance is bliss and if I would never have found out our marriage would be stronger than ever. don't know if I;'ve helped in anyway

[ChippingIn]

Cupcake - the next decision is even more difficult isn't it

Am I correct in assuming that none of your or your DH's friends know about your affair? (so he wont feel like he's been made a fool of and everyone knew but him?!).

Keeping it a secret can erode your relationship, it can change the balance and sometimes you can end up feeling like your DH is 'an idiot' because he didn't realise what you were up to... it can make you feel like he is 'less' than he is and that you are more clever/able to deceive him so he must be stupid - it's really, really hard to explain, especially writing it down...

Sometimes telling the other person can completely destroy an essentially great relationship (yes you could argue that the affair did that, not the telling - which is the truth, but by not telling, the fallout might be able to be avoided).

We (nearly) all say we want to know the truth, but I suspect that the majority of us, so long as no-one else knew (so we weren't being made a fool of) wouldn't want to know - so long as we never found out.

Personally, now being a little more wise to the world and less idealistic, in your situation I would give it six months/a year. Really focus on going forwards... at the end of that time, you can decide if it's helping or hurting your relationship with your DH keeping it a secret. There is nothing to stop you telling your DH then if you feel you should - also there is a little distance from it and you could explain to him how you did something very, very stupid but ended it and (if it's the truth) haven't looked back since you ended it.

I understand where mayorquimby is coming from and in an ideal world I'd agree.... but in this less than ideal world, I have a different opinion.

[mayorquimby]

"Maybe the OP's DH would prefer not to know, esp now it is all over and the OP is truly sorry "

Just another selfish lie she'd be telling herself. i.e. she's not telling him for his own good when in reality she's not telling him for her own.
She has no way of knowing he'd prefer not to be told, I certainly wouldn't, so she should at least show him a modicrum of respect by allowing him to be in control of his own life.

[Pepsiginn]

No roasting from me either. I think that you understand fully what you have done - and now need to be a bit kinder to youself and realise that we are all human (bit of a stupid saying) but you know what i mean.
We all make mistakes - what's done is done. You have ended it and now is the hardest part.
I think the OM will try again and this could be tricky. You need to be super firm with him again and i wouldn't use words like "you regret doing this" ie: breaking it off with him because you need to work on your marriage - that gives false hope.
And wierdly i wouldn't tell your husband. If it was me, i would tell mine, but thinking if it was my husband who had been in your situation and was as sensitive and consious (poor choice of words - sorry pregnancy!) of his actions, i wouldnt' want to know.
The reason why i say this - is i think you have had a hell of a scare. I think you have frightened and surprised yourself at your actions and for this reason i don't think you will do it again, and more importantly i think you actually will value your marriage because of it.
I think the utter utter hurt that your DH would feel would outweigh the grilling you will forever give yourself for this. Why bring him a piece of what you will go through. It will be something forgotten hopefully in the future - i would put every effort into loving and building a rock-solid relationship with your DH.
Best of luck - you poor ol thing.

[saslou]

Some people would HAVE to leave if they found out about an affair. I would have to leave because I don't think I would be able to get over it, but that doesn't mean I would WANT to leave. Therefore it is not always true to say you are giving the wronged party a choice. Maybe the OP's DH would prefer not to know, esp now it is all over and the OP is truly sorry

[Fluffyone]

Yep, of course, very ideal and righteous. I didn't say that they purely told their partners for selfish reasons by the way...
I observed a good friend have an affair, for reasons that aren't important. Then saw her realise how wrong it was, how much her family meant to her, and how much she really cared for her husband. Meanwhile, he adored her adn his world would have fallen apart if she'd told him. She didn't, and about 10 years later they are happy and together. She's never strayed since. I don't think that life is always black and white, and personally think she would have been cruel in her case to destroy that man and tear her family apart. She lives with guilt.
I can agree to differ on this one.

[mayorquimby]

"why destroy his happiness? Hopefully he will never know what happened and you can have a good life together as a family. You might be tortured by "what if's" and guilt from time to time, but that's the price you pay, isn't it?"

I love the mental and moral gymnastics some people do to portray the person who cheated but doesn't tell as the martyr. All very selfless and taking the burden so the rest of the family don't suffer.
Why ruin his happiness? because maybe he would like to find a relationship with someone who won't fuck around on him? maybe treat him as an adult and human being who has the right to some very pertinent information regarding their own life and decide wether or not they want to stay in a relationship. It's not a unilateral decision for the person to cheat to also decide what is now best for the person who fucked over and paint it as though they are doing so in the best interest of their partner.
People who don't tell do it for purely selfish reasons, they don't want to face up to the reprecussions of their own actions, it has fuck all to do with protecting their partners feelings because if they cared that much they wouldn't do it in the first place.
It's not taking the burden so they don't have to, it's selfishly burrying it in the hope they'll never find out.

[Fluffyone]

I stand by my opinion. I know this is one that polarises views.

[DeFluff]

Fluffy - because her dh should have the choice to say 'actually, no i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has cheated'. If she doesn't tell him she is taking away his choice. He may choose to stay and work at it, great, but it is, to me at least, incredibly important that he has the knowledge to make the choice for himself.

[mayorquimby]

If you have any respect for your husband you'd tell him.

[Fluffyone]

I just want to add, I don't think that you should tell your DH (and I don't think men should tell their DW's either). Put it this way, why destroy his happiness? Hopefully he will never know what happened and you can have a good life together as a family. You might be tortured by "what if's" and guilt from time to time, but that's the price you pay, isn't it?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

No he tells his wife how sorry he is, how he regrets it all.

While on his blog, he complains about the hard time she gives him and how difficult his life is now that his wife knows and occasionally treats him with contempt.

This man is only sorry that he was caught.

[AnyFucker]

he knows

that is enough for me

the attention-obsessed, smug, self-congratulatory twat

[jasper]

but it is anonymous , so they don;t know.

[AnyFucker]

the "rest of the world" knows though, doesn't it ?

which is precisely my point

the poor woman

[jasper]

No she does not know about the blog.
That's the point of blogs

[AnyFucker]

does his wife know about the blog was what was in question, jasper

God help her if she knows about it, and goes along with it

how humiliating for her...

[jasper]

Read again, his wife knows all about it because his ex told her husband

[jasper]

I think it is a great blog.
there is a lot on there, contributions from many different people, lots of differesnt perspectives but all from people who have experienced stuff

. I am sure you will find something to suit your world view.
If not just come back and swear a bit more