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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit fed up with this (sorry another PIL threat)

52 replies

ilovecats · 25/04/2010 09:50

Everytime we meet up with PIL and SIL, at their and our house, they bundle up DD and take her into a different room. At first I didn't notice this so much, but when it was DDs birthday, and we had invited DPs parents, SIL and my parents, all three of them took her to a different room of the house (my house) with a camera. My mum was a bit surprised to say the least, as she was in the middle of opening my mum's presents!
So after another visit to PIL house yesterday, and another 3 hours of me sitting alone in one room, and the rest of the family in another- AIBU to be fed up with this? When I follow them all, they move on to another room. When we finally said it was time to go after an agonising visit for me, they disppeared with her all together. I asked DP to go and get her, he made a big deal of putting everything in the car first.

I know I am probably a bit protective over DD, but as I work full time, the weekends are the only time I get to fully enjoy with her. I don't understand why we cannot spend time together as a family and why they feel they have to cut me out like that.

DD is 14 months btw, and ever since she has been born there have been problems with PIL and SIL. For examle when we brought her home, less than 20 hours after birth, they arrived and stayed for 8 hours, consistentl insisting I go upstairs and sleep, so they could 'take over' and 'bond' with the baby. I politely refused but I don't think they ever forgave me!

AIBU?

OP posts:

AvrilHeytch · 25/04/2010 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Thediaryofanobody · 25/04/2010 11:59

YANBU very strange behavior. But you need to take control, as soon as they go to take her into another room be very direct and tell them she is staying where she is. Don't be apologetic and don't offer reasons just be very cool and calm and keep saying "she is staying here"

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/04/2010 12:02

Yep, you have to be firm, this is bizarre behaviour. Your DH needs a talking to to get him back 'onside'.

sorebore · 25/04/2010 12:05

This sounds really weird, but presumably you are not against them spending time alone with your dd, just not in such an overbearing way. Would it be too much to suggest that as you're working ft they might pick her up from her childcare once a week and have her for the afternoon or something? Then they can bond in their own way. I do think you need to address is with your dp, but gently, nobody wants to feel that their 'two' families are hostile to each other.

LoveBeingAMummy · 25/04/2010 12:28

Have you thought about tkaing advantage of this and leaving dd there for a couple of hours and going out with your dh?

CheekyVimtoGal · 25/04/2010 12:32

I would follow them every time they move onto a different room? and if they keep moving just say 'no stop this is stupid, give me her here'

Then just say without sounding nasty

youa re fed up of going there and them taking her out of the room and leaving you alone. She is your daughter, leave her with you.

giveitago · 25/04/2010 12:37

I dunno - seems like the dh is setting it up for his parents in a way.

Lots of people in your situation often just allocate a time per week for the dh to take child and the mum gets some R&R time. Is that the way to go for you?

In your case as you're working and you want to be with your dd at weekends - any chance of dh taking her in the week? If they have their access to her limited by excluding you would they be less likely to exclude you?

MrsDmamee · 25/04/2010 12:42

chippinIn

i didnt put up with it for long and eventually only visited when it was time for his nap/bedtime and then went out.
and kids do grow up and use their legs to get away from overbearing/stiffling grandparents, ds started to play outside more on visits
and getting a new DP helped too.(less visits)

thesecondcoming · 25/04/2010 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/04/2010 15:29

thesecondcoming, that's outrageous!

Oh I remember your Christmas thread, what a poisonous old bat (your MIL...natch )

RunawayWife · 25/04/2010 15:41

You are not being unreasonable, they are weird, I think you need to stop going to visit with them.

mmrsceptic · 25/04/2010 15:55

weirdos

Mamalade · 25/04/2010 16:09

Are you serious ilovecats?
Firstly,your DD is yours,not theirs.That text message from your SIL to your DP was disgusting!How dare she.
Secondly,and this might be a bit insensitive,but I think you need to tell DP to grow a pair.You are his family too.You are the mother of his BG and deserve his family's repect.I would get him to have a word.

Miggsie · 25/04/2010 16:19

Sounds like your MIL is controlling, sees herself as head female in the pecking order and you as nowhere at all in the pecking order.

Her family are backing her uo (she will have trained them to back her up).

I'd stop visiting them frankly, they sound awful. Or if you do vist, keep following them onto the "other room". This is like playground bullying where one child decides that another "can't paly with us" and they all go off and isolate that child. That is what this reminds me off.

It would freak me out TBH.

diddl · 25/04/2010 16:38

Your daughter does not need to spend time alone with them.

My first spent a couple of hours alone with my ILs whilst I was having 2nd.
If I could have avoided it I would.

digusted · 25/04/2010 16:46

My MIl and SIL are like that my children are 7 and 5 now and really don't like their controlling ways so it has backfired on them. DD and DS tell my everything they have said/done and said don't tell Mummy. Luckily they live a long way away and don't visit often now they have lost control

diddl · 25/04/2010 16:58

Yes my ILs aren´t so interested now that the children can voice their own opinion, walk away...

When we visited after a few years gap they tried to hug the children-who shook hands.

Afraid I smirked

smittenkitten · 25/04/2010 17:08

this does sound a bit odd, but perhaps they want to have time with her on their own. my parents and PIL always say that DS is different when we're not around,a nd my mother is shameless in getting rid of me so she can spend time with him alone. I'm not sure how frequent the visits are, but perhaps you could take advantage of it to have some time to yourself, rather than sitting alone in a different room?

Also, maybe they think that your family have more time with DD, so they are trying to even it up in their minds?? It got to the point where I was about to produce pie charts to demonstrate that the time was fairly split between the two sets of grandparents!

Original poster

ilovecats · 25/04/2010 17:53

Thanks for all your advice everyone, very useful. I sort of knew it was odd, but you know when you start to doubt yourself?

I am off to tackle DP (and not in that way...)

OP posts:

diddl · 25/04/2010 18:37

ilovecats-perhaps you ought to tackle him "in that way"-he´ll probably agree to anything

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/04/2010 21:42

What custardo said.

Very odd and inappropriate behaviour.

I wouldn't take dd to visit if it continues.

Haveaseat · 25/04/2010 21:52

Your PIL sound exactly like my dsis pil they do sane thing! Stayed for ages after got home from hosp! Had family visiting till 11pm when just got newborn.

Dsis has never been able to get over it and other things like taking DD away and desperate to get her on her own without Dsis

urdnbu I don't know solution I have tried to help dsis with humouring them but I'm not in her position or yours.

zipzap · 25/04/2010 22:20

Any chance of your mum and/or dad being around again when PIL are there? Might be easier to have a bit of moral support when chasing round from room to room. Or even saying up front that as everyone has come to see dd that you are all going to stay in the same room.

think they are being very unreasonable.

if it was happening to me I think I would want to think that I would count to 10 and then go into the other room and just pick up dd and take her back with you. Work out all the different things they could say to you and all the things that you can say back and practise them in your head so that when it comes to the moment of reckoning you are able to say them rather than get stage fright and then think of the perfect thing to say when they have disappeared off to another room again.

Worst case scenario - tell your husband (or maybe your parents) that you bet you can make your PIL change rooms 10 (?) times in a single visit by following them in each time. Each time you walk into a room just say 'one' 'two' 'three' etc for the number of the room change and leave them to figure it out.

In fact, maybe you should decide to do this just once as a challenge to yourself . See if you follow them in every minute if they really would change each time and see if they say anything which would give you a chance to talk about how unreasonable they are. And if not, then you have got a whole lot of useful evidence about how completely unreasonable and ridiculous they are being at shutting you out of family time with your daughter.

It sounds like you have sort of given up in a way with regard to their behaviour - you know that they move on, so you sit for 3 hours waiting . I don't blame you, I think it must be horrible. However if it is starting like this then there is a chance that it could get worse and it doesn't sound like your dh is doing much to help your side of things. Have you actively asked him why they are treating you like this? And told him how much you hate it and find it insulting?

Next time you see them (ok, second next time after the 'great chase') at their house I'd also be tempted to say up front that you want to spend the visit with your daughter too as you only have weekends with her too. And that if they insist on taking her away from you then two can play at that game.... just leave it vague. make sure that you haven't taken much into the house with you that won't matter if you don't take it with you there and then. And just pick up your dd and walk out of there, ask dh if he is coming, if not say fine, make your own way home and drive off and go home or to your mum's or to the zoo or park or anywhere that is not there.

But I think you need to do something. anything. just to start to reclaim the weekends for you and your daughter and your family. and because it sounds like this has really worn you down. They can see that their bullying is working, they are not going to stop. It will be horrid to start with but if you can do something - anything at all - it will start to empower you to stop this horrible situation.

Oh and be prepared to stand up for yourself with your husband as it sounds like he is under your MIL's thumb

WingedVictory · 25/04/2010 22:42

There, zipzap made it sound kind of fun, rather than demoralising! Very good advice, including the not-so-fun bit about confrontation which is bound to follow. I do find, though, that confrontation is much easier if you have been boosted by something - anger, enthusiasm, righteous irritation - and I hope the Great Chase does boost you!

Silver1 · 25/04/2010 23:05

YANBU- But you knew that, so what did your DH say?

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