aibu not to prefer a childcare to dh looking after the kids?

[CagedBird]

OK so I'm perfectly happy to be told IABU but I just wanted a general opinion.

I'll be starting my pgce in September. My dh is currently working f/t however we are just getting by as I am a sahm. In September we had planned to get wraparound childcare either a childminder or a nanny to look after the dc's, 1 hour in the morning and up to 3 hours after school.

Yesterday, dh comes in and announces that he should go p/t as he doesn't just want "anybody" looking after the dc's. Because it was out of the blue I was stunned. If he goes p/t we will be literally £10.000 down for a whole year.

He say's it's just a year and we will get over it. I say, we've been scrabbling around for money for the past 3 years (whilst I was an undergraduate) and I can't handle being under pressure from work/uni/home and financially short.

Also, if I'm honest I don't think it will work with him being at home to care for the dc's. I sound like a control freak but I know it will end up me coming home after a stressed day, still to do the cooking (his cooking is literally poisonous) housework and play with the kids, help them with homework, as he doesn't like to "entertain" them much. I know they are our kids, but he won't even read them a bed time story at the moment so how can I trust him to do homework, encourage development, and let them play freely.

I'm sure I'm in for a roasting but if I ask my rl friends I'm pretty sure they would agree with me. I need an opinion that is definitely neutral.

Sorry title should read AIBU to prefer childcare to dh.

The problem with an opinion that's neutral is we're not really going to know what it's like in your family.

This is an arrangement that would work beautifully in our family (dh is well house trained and I couldn't care less what the house looks like tbh)- which is not to say it will work for you.

If you think you can managed the temporary cut in salary and it's not irreversible (i.e. he could go back to full time if needs be), then I'd be tempted to let him have a go.

It's not unreasonable for him to want to care for them himself rather than using childcare and I think it's good that he's prepared to step into the breach while you do you PGCE. He'll either surprise you, or he'll realise it's a damn sight harder than it looks and you can always go back to plan A.

Yeah but could you live scrimping and scraping for a year unnecessarily

Presumably you have a very detailed list of what you expect from the professional child minder. Don't leave anything out. Then show your DH what you expect. He may prefer to continue full time paid work.

I was going to say you're being unreasonable, that it would be better for your dc to be with their father in their own home before and after school but then I read what he's like with them. Does he not interact with them at all? Would he be watching TV/on the computer while they amused themselves? If so, I don't blame you for preferring childcare.

Financially, would it make that much difference? Yes, he'd be taking a pay cut but you wouldn't be paying for a childminder.

this is hard to judge, as on paper DH looking after kids would be lovely. Dealing with childminders et al is not always easy and stress free

I think you need to talk to him not us, and share concerns ref

housework
cooking
homework

then get his honrst feedback. Why does he want to do this?

also i assume you have a done simple spreadsheet to show finances after this salary cut? As care for 2 kids per hour will cost alot too....

so talk to him and do the maths!

I would say they are his kids too and he should be allowed to be involved in that kind of decision. However you could also say to him it's great if he wants to look after them but you don't want it to be more work for you at the end of the day so he needs to feed them and they need to have done their homework. Perhaps the responsibility of looking after them on his own would be the encouragement he needs to start getting more involved?

If your dh doesn't want just anybody looking after your children, what will happen once you have finished your PGCE? If you then start working, will he continue to look after the children in which case it won't be just a year, will it? Would you/he be happy to continue this on a longer-term basis?

I would say yes, but lay down a lot of rules and explain how important it is that the meals/homework/etc get done every day. You are going to have work in the evenings - PCGEs are tough - maybe he just hasnt considered this? It is lovely that he has volunteered though, and maybe itsjust what he needs to make him a brilliant dad with a great relationship with his kids.

Forgot to say I agree that childcare might be the best thing for them (and financially) but that's a decision you have to reach together, you can't just overrule him.

I agree that no one on here can really tell you whether you're being unreasonable or not - we don't know all the details.

Just a few points.

It wouldn't be 'anyone' looking after your children, it would be childcare which you choose and are happy with. There is not universal rule which states that having a parent at home is 'better' than using some outside childcare.

Is he considering reducing his hours for what are really positive, sound reasons? You mention he doesn't really do a lot with the children eg playing, homework etc. Sometimes people want to cut down on work because they don't like their job much, they're bored at work, they don't have good prospects etc - in other words, staying at home can be a pleasant diversion from going to work, if it's not chosen for really positive reasons.

What are the long term consequences? He says 'It's only a year' - so what happens after the year is up? What if he can't increase his hours to full time again? How mights it affect his prospects? How will it affect his pension?

I'm throwing back more questions than answers, because you have a lot more talking to do. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way - this is about discussing until you are both happy with the result.

I personally don't think being 10,000 pounds down for a year is the deal breaker actually - it's entirely possible to cut back when you know it's for a specific amount of time. I think it's the longer term effects, and also whether on balance you prefer to use formal childcare for this year to enable your DH to stay in his job.

YANBU. You need a long hard talk - say everything you've said here. From what I gather, PGCEs are bloody hard work and you just won't need these additional stresses. And go armed with information about childcare - do you have a friend who can recommend a childminder or nanny? Can they come up with some glowing testimonials re how happy their DC are in childcare?

Yes - that's the other point. A PGCE is hard work, but your NQT year will be even harder. You will need good systems in place, and reliable childcare.

I went back to work f/t last month. We made the decision that DH would stay home with the girls as we felt they were to young for someone else to be them more than we were. It is slightly different in the sense that I will make a little more than he was but I had been a sahm for 2 years and we struggled but I would not have had it any other way!

At first DH found it hard just to keep the girls alive. We would have moments where I was annoyed because no house work was done and I don't mind doing my fair share but when all I want to do is hang out with DD's & DH on the weekends I was getting angry at having to spend the time doing cleaning.

I can now say that 5 weeks on, the man who would burn toast, now cooks for the girls (actual food too and even searches for recipes lol) and my dinner is on the table when I get home (not by my request but I get in after girls are in bed!). Laundry is always done, dishes done, house clean and he even makes my coffee to go in the mornings! He just needed to find his feet first and gain his confidence by knowing he can do it. He is much happier now being home than working a stressful job (although the DD's are more stressful I think lol).

So what I am saying is, money isn't everything and if this is something he really wants then let him. He will still be p/t after all and if a few weeks go by and it doesn't work out then get care and he can go back to full time. Give him the chance to have the time with them that you had and also prove to himself and even you that he can do it.

Hope it all works out!

Sorry my typing is all weird as DD spilled water on the laptop and I need to use the on screen keyboard so I do apologize for what looks like stupidity above lol

I think you should let him have a go - if you insist on childcare, then you're basically taking charge of the children. And if you want him to take an equal role (which is what you're complaining about) then you need to let him get involved in caring for them if he wants to do it. Also it sounds a bit unfair that you're happy for you to be scrabbling about financially while you're a SAHM but you're not prepared to do it while he's a SAHD.

Having said all that, I can understand your reservations!

I agree with violethill.

Why don't you all have a "trial run" before your course starts? Have your DH take a week's holiday, and you leave the house every day, for the hours you will be doing so when you're studying.

I think it needs to be for at least a week - it's just for a day none of you will get a real sense of how well it's going to work.

At the end of the week, you can have an honest discussion together about how you think it's gone and whether it's the right solution for the next year.

That doesn't address the financial question, but I think that's something you can only decide on once you know if it will be "worth" the financial pain, so to speak.

Plus you will get what may well be the last week entirely to yourself (during the day at least) for the next twenty years.

As a thought experiment, reverse the sexes for a moment. Imagine it was a man posting on here "I don't want my wife to go part-time. I don't think she'll look after the DCs properly, I don't believe that she'll be doing enough housework, and I doubt she'll have a delicious meal on the table for when I come home. I want us to get someone else to look after them." The explosion of righteous indignation (along with accusations of trolling and/or misogyny) would be visible from the moon.

Getting back to the OP. He is their parent too. I am perfectly willing to accept that he may not do things to your standards or the same way that you would. That doesn't mean that his standards, or his ways of doing things, are necessarily wrong. They could just be different to yours. He will make mistakes and he will (hopefully) learn from them, just as you do.

Give it a go. He may surprise you. It may also do wonders for his bond with your (and that's a joint "your") DCs.

I agree with your first post 100%. I guess that it would be great for him to use that time to create a very strong bond with his children and I beleve he might be imagining taking them to the park, long bike rides, and all that weekend paraphernalia, so in that aspect, being 10,000 short is a money well spent.

But I suppose he would be tired, bored and fed up when he realises that apart of the niceties of those activities, there are days when you are trapped in the house, dealing with squabling children either because it's raining or because there is simply not enough money for you all to spend, other than cover the very basic expenses.

Other than that, how will he feel at work when he is not in the complete hub of it? when he doesn't realise about half of the things going on? when his suggestions are not taken in consideration as much as before simply because he is not there dealing with whatever situation as much as his colleagues are?

Will he be able to go back to work full time once you complete your degree? what if his career opportunities are reduced with this semi break?

I would ask the same questions to any man or woman considering reducing their work hours, or leave their jobs to care for the family.