aibu not to prefer a childcare to dh looking after the kids?

[CagedBird]

OK so I'm perfectly happy to be told IABU but I just wanted a general opinion.

I'll be starting my pgce in September. My dh is currently working f/t however we are just getting by as I am a sahm. In September we had planned to get wraparound childcare either a childminder or a nanny to look after the dc's, 1 hour in the morning and up to 3 hours after school.

Yesterday, dh comes in and announces that he should go p/t as he doesn't just want "anybody" looking after the dc's. Because it was out of the blue I was stunned. If he goes p/t we will be literally £10.000 down for a whole year.

He say's it's just a year and we will get over it. I say, we've been scrabbling around for money for the past 3 years (whilst I was an undergraduate) and I can't handle being under pressure from work/uni/home and financially short.

Also, if I'm honest I don't think it will work with him being at home to care for the dc's. I sound like a control freak but I know it will end up me coming home after a stressed day, still to do the cooking (his cooking is literally poisonous) housework and play with the kids, help them with homework, as he doesn't like to "entertain" them much. I know they are our kids, but he won't even read them a bed time story at the moment so how can I trust him to do homework, encourage development, and let them play freely.

I'm sure I'm in for a roasting but if I ask my rl friends I'm pretty sure they would agree with me. I need an opinion that is definitely neutral.

Thanks everyone for some very sound advice.

Howlowl i have considered the stress an awful lot and thanks for the details - that's what I've been getting from other teachers/students pretty much, that's why I just can't handle coming home to more stress. IF we get a childminder, firstly the house wouldn't be a mess and the kids would have been fed which are major issues.

Making a list would be a way to see if he understands how much would be involved because at the moment he doesn't have much to do with them. Not to say he isn't a good father, but he thinks you should just leave them to play by themselves because that's what his parents did. Only mine didn't (not all the time).

Violethill, I don't think he's doing it for the best reasons tbh, he absolutely hates his job and is always complaining about it. I would feel sorry for him but he's been complaining since he started (6 yrs ago) and has only just started looking for work. I think he thinks it's easier at home, and he'll get more him time.

Ladybiscuit it's not that I'm happy to be on a tight budget as a sahm I've been complaining and complaining and he keeps saying, don't worry we'll be better off in september, stop stressing it'll only be for x amount of time. Knowing that it will end in sept has been my light at the end of the tunnel and I just don't want to extend it, in fact we'll be worse off than we are now.

We'd only need 20hours of childcare a week and I don't think that's too much.

bymemuse to be honest, if that did happen I would be over the moon (probably a little jealous at first that he took to it so well ) but it would be the best thing for the dc's as well. I just don't believe he would.

You've all given me stuff to think about though, I'm actually going to write some of it down so when we sit down to talk about it my mind doesn't go blank lol

He is the PARENT. It should be that he is the better option than childcare, and it's not acceptable that he is allowed to not be able to cook, or interact with his children appropriately. So, first thing is, why are you allowing him to be a substandard parent?

Second, I am a full time student, too, and we are struggling big time. BUT...the long term gain of struggling now is a good one...once I go back to work, it won't take us too long to get to a place where we are comfortable financially.

Let him parent his children...it will make him better at it, and I think he will surprise you.

Outrageous that's an excellent idea, he has two weeks coming up (for the world cup) I could actually use that to get some work experience at a school and then maybe stay at a library and see how he manages.

Snorbs you couldn't just reverse the sexes you'd have to completely reverse the attitudes as well and actually I don't think every one would have a go. But I do get your point and maybe I might be being too precious. It's just (and I keep saying it) I can't afford for it to go wrong. I'm not just starting a new job, that I could quit. If I quit this year it would be like everything I've done for the past three years, all the struggle that we as a family have been through would have been all for nothing. Just because he felt having a try.

I really don't think he realises how stressful the pgce is or the following nqt year - and that's if I get a job straight away.

SOunds like a good plan to discuss it all thoroughly. I had feeling from your OP that there might be more to it, and you saying that your DH hates his job confirms it.

The fact is, often the decision to stay at home is far more complex than just a black and white issue - and this applies to women and men. If someone isn't enjoying their job, or finds it too hard, or too easy, or boring, or they don't like their colleagues, or they don't earn much - these are all factors which influence the decision about whether to stay at home. And actually, the only really sound reason is that both parents agree that they think it is best for their particular family that one parent doesn't work. Clearly you haven't reached that situation with your DH and you need to discuss further. It sounds as though he's wanting to reduce his hours because he just doesn't like his job much - not because your children are necessarily going to have a better experience with him at home.

Another point - having this discussion could lead in new directions eg maybe he'll see that if he's unhappy in his job, he needs to rethink and maybe apply for other jobs or move in a different direction. Staying at home can seem like the easier default position - but it may not be a good decision if he gets bored and fed up at home, isn't doing any more with the children than he currently does, and gives up an income and longer term prospects into the bargain!

I think you need to calculate the childcare costs. I know you say it's "only" 20 hours a week, but that is 20 hours per child- how many children do you have? Others will be able to give you a rough idea of an hourly rate, but even if it was, say, £5 an hour then that is £100 per week per child. So for 2 children that would be £10k per year. Not sure how realistic my figures are but I don't think it will be too much less than this.

I personally would consider having your DH do it- if it doesn't work out, you can always revisit the arrangement.

When you weight the pros and cons dont forget the school holidays, nanny's holidays/sickness/pregnancy etc. Tax and NI. And the possibility of the nanny leaving you halfway and then having to interview again.
Tbh the less hours you offer (and less money) the more difficult to keep the nanny happy for longer.

Don't assume it is stress free. One parent at home -even if he/she doesn't hoover is much easier than dealing with childcare.

when i did my pgce you got £6000 bursary and a loan of £4000 (i don't normally encourage indiscriminate borrowing, but i think student loans are allowed...) so that would make up your £10000 shortfall. you may also get a golden hello (although that wouldn't be for at least 2 years from now). if you factor in costs for childcare you may well end up better off.

agree with what everyone else has said though. including pgce being difficult, but you seem to know that.

good luck x.

Is the £10,000 before or after tax/NI ? Would you be entitled to tax credits/more tax credits which would offset your DHs salary cut.
Often parents find they are hardly any worse off after cutting hours.
Also to consider will he be able to go fulltime again when he wanted to?
Finally children don't need 'entertaining' after school they need to chill and perhaps have a friend round every now and again.
I did an OU course which showed that older children just wanted parents to be THERE if they needed them, rather than entertaining.It kind of dispelled the myth of quality time being more important than quantity of time.
I am with your husband on this one.Also he is likely to get better at cooking and relating to the kids with practice.

Agree with violethill.

Caged, the first thing to a fruitful discussion is for your dh to be honest with you and most importantly himself why he is suggesting this option. Is it really that he does not think childcare is adequate, or is it just an excuse for him to take a bit of an escape for a year from the job he hates.

If it includes the latter, then the discussions need to factor in the medium to long term consequences of his reducing his hours. If that would affect his current job, then he will need to use the year to not only look after his dcs but also to find an alternative job and what that might be.

If he does not tackle the real reasons for his stance, you will just end up going round and round in circles and getting resentful.

Also agree with other posters about bottoming out the actual costs of his being at home v. using childcare.

Have you actually spoken to childminders or investigated nannies? Would they be happy to do those hours and the school run, if necessary.

Split shifts are particularly unattractive, as they cut up the carer's day and she(he) is not paid for the time in between. I use a live-in aupair to do that because live-in care is the way to go for those hours.

You might you have to pay more than 20 hours of care for live-out childcare to compensate the carer.

Or use breakfast clubs and afterschool clubs, but you/dh then have the stress of doing the schoolrun between yourselves.

I would cost it, so if childcare would be the same as dh going pt then give it a trial of a term and see how it goes, but be very clear that you would expect him to do the tasks that you would be paying someone else to do. Is he maybe a bit resentful that you get to study while he has to work ft?

I was convinced my husband couldn't look after our children as well as I could, as he was a typical alpha male type and had little hands on experience with the first (no getting up in night, bathing her). But, fortunately, for me and my pride, it turned out he was excellent. I absolutely think it's better to let a keen dad have a go than to get childcare in, I can't actually imagine telling my husband he couldn't care for them and I was getting a childminder instead, what an insult!

Having said that, there are a few things to bear in mind.

It might affect his career prospects if he goes part-time. It has my husband, as it would any mum taking a step back for a few years. Fine, if he wants to change career, but actually if he wants to carry on in the same type of job but in a different place, he has to think whether his industry would tolerate a part-time dad or view it negatively.

You will have to accept he's going to do things differently, though. I don't do the washing up every night when I'm at home and I wouldn't want someone having a go at me if I hadn't done everything the way they liked it. But, within that, he would have to carry the burden of after-school childcare/cooking/tidying up/preparing for the next day. I do think you are right to worry about this and think making your expectations clear is important.

Finally, I'm not sure what type of childminder/nanny would come to your house, do all the housework, cook a delicious meal, clean up everything, and have the children exactly in bed on time. A childminder will just do the childcare and leave the rest (unless you have some type of deal). So, the housecare stuff will still end up in your plate either way unless it's divided out.

Even if he is crap at it, he'll muddle through and it's such a chance for him to spend time with the children, I can't see how you could justify not 'letting' your husband care for his own children TBH.

Just think what will happen the rest of your teaching career, who will look after your children then? Teaching is not the 9-3 job that many people believe! I start at 7.30 and usually finish by 5, although I usually bring some marking home with me, and work one day at the weekend. Luckily my children are older now but it is hard work and long hours! How long could you cope financially if your DH worked part time ( although obviously once you were able to find a teaching post, your salary would cover the difference) and would he be able to go back to full time whenever it fitted into your plans?

If I were your DH I would think long and hard about cutting his hours.There are probably going to be massive cuts in the public sector and I think it might take you a while to find a teaching position.