to think I have done my best? And I don't need a lecture?

[getthewineinthefridge]

Kids went back to school Tuesday. Since then I have cleaned house top to bottom, restocked, got the veg garden going, walked the dog several times, been to the doctor with worrying health issue, fed us all, done nearly three weeks of ironing, changed all the beds etc etc. you know, all the usual. In other words, I've done my best to get us back on track, as we were a bit behind.

We are off out for the whole day today, a very important occasion so I am busy getting all our kit sorted and that we are in good shape for that.

Not so DH has just discovered that I did not, in my tour of cleaning duties, clean under the sofa cushions. This is something I would probably normally do every now and then, but with the whole house to do top to bottom this week, it got missed. I also missed, a simple mistake to dust the dining table. So, I did 95% at least of the house, missed those two things.

He is now going on about how the house is a MESS, and if I'm going to clean why can't I do it PROPERLY and he's off to do it. Right now. In the midst of us preparing to go out for a 12 hour stint with 2 young DC's. It cannot wait, and even though we won't be here to use or appreciate the clean sofa (under) and dining table (used once in a blue moon), he still insists it MUST BE DONE.

Yesterday, on return from GP with slightly concerning news, he was very kind (which to be honest, he mostly is) and said look, do whatever you feel like today, just take it easy, try not to worry, I'll take you out for lunch. And we did, and it was very nice.

But today, Jekyll has turned to Hyde. It's like the flick of a switch.

I'm miffed that he feels he needs to MAKE HIS POINT by doing this right now, and miffed with myself a bit for missing two items of the housework. But hey, that's not the end of the world? He would think so, clearly, as it is worth us being behind schedule for our day out - hence i have the time to post this whilst he cleans up MY MESS!!!!!!

I feel a bit mean posting this, and of course, this is saving me two jobs to do (!) but it really hacks me off that he had to go off the deep end. I did everything else ffs.

YANBU

Make a list of the jobs you do, split in two and give him one list. It might make him realise just how much you do.

Btw my sofa cushions don't lift up and I don't do ironing

YANBU.He is a bully and a control freak.His treatment of you is bordering on being abusive.

Long run, short pier, DH needs...

A reaction out of all proportion considering all you have done. YANBU!

He'd have a complete breakdown if he came here (ceilings down, dust everywhere, me on a PC!)

Tell him, next time he looks under sofa cusions he will find his decree nisi. Why do you have to do all the housework, three weeks ironing and get everyone ready for a long trip. What is he doing?

amother

getthewineinthefridge (good name btw) - I don't care how nice he is the other 23 hours and 6 days of the week - this is still arsey/weird/unacceptable/twattish behaviour and you need to tell him so.

I'm not sure how much of this (housework, shopping/cooking etc) you are doing for yourself & how much you are doing because it's 'expected' of you (by DH), but most men would be very grateful for all you have done/do around the house... if for some reason it came to their attention that you hadn't done under the sofa cushions (it's usually the DC's dragging them off to play with), then they'd laugh about you being a slattern and make a joke of it, not 'tell you off' then insist on doing it before you go out for the day - this is not normal.

This reminds me of my ocd weird SIL, who regarded one of her friends as a slattern as she hadn't dusted the tops of her doors for "weeks"

Someone I used to work with was saying one day about how embarrassed she was that she hadn't cleaned under her fridge recently when someone came to repair a pipe and had to move it.

Thank goodness DP and I are similarly unbothered about this stuff or we'd be perpetually rowing. It's not grubby round here but we do have clutter. And dust on the door tops. As for ironing, DP does all his own shirts and I only iron the occasional thing as an indulgence, eg to make DS look extra smart if he happens to be going somewhere not involving mud.

It is possible that I haven't dusted the tops of doors for months.

It is entirely possible that I have NEVER dusted the tops of doors.

Obviously I am a slattern but really, under sofa cushions more than when you are really desperate for small change?

Send him round here... he'll soon appreciate your efforts .

On reading your post my first thought was "Tell him to feck off".

I love the way women give each other license to fuck about all day on the internet, eat biscuits and do bugger all.
However woe betide any bloke who, after working his arse off, passes comment on state of domestic affairs.

The harridans then shriek
'Off with his head'

His comments are a bit off but certainly not evil.

He must be odd to even notice...?

Perhaps he just lost his temper over something trivial (well definitely trivial). Sometimes I do that, and say rude things, and blame my husband for everything that isn't done, and stomp about for a bit. Then I have to apologise and be nice.

I also think many men don't understand what it takes to run a home and clear up all the time, my husband certainly used to make remarks about this and that not being done until he stayed at home himself and hardly any housework got done. Now I'm the one moaning about the lack of washing up...and I would stomp about doing it and moaning loudly if I felt irrational/tired/put upon or just plain mean.

Only you know whether this is a normal but not very nice for you outburst or part of a wider pattern of running you and what you do down.

Lmao dust the top of the doors!! Hangs her head in shame and decides better go get f/t job somewhere..... Ah the works cleaner is still stuck in indonesia.....

Yrnbu he being bit plonker and inconsiderate!!

he accepts he is a bit OCD so won't comment on that but the issue is that he is using the state of the house as a way to release some stress and this means he ALWAYS does it at you. this is why it is not acceptable behaviour because you will both get used to the idea that he is allowed to take stuff out on you and this is unbalanced. Suggest one of the following:
a) sit down and discuss the point above with him and find a solution yourselves. someone mentioned that he COULD just quietly do it himself if it bothers him...
b) suggest he seek help on stress management and work/life balance in whatever way he prefers (meditation classes, counsellor, anger management group)and considers it a gift to your future lives together. not suggesting he has a huge problem but it is and will continue to make your lives unnecessarily stressful and he needs to understand why it isn't ok
c) have a large laminated message made which reads 'I'M SORRY I'M CURRENTLY OUT OF THE OFFICE AT THE MOMENT, BUT WILL RESPOND TO YOUR MESSAGE ON MY RETURN' which you can hold up to him whenever he starts. Or, if you prefer, 'SO DO IT YOURSELF!!!'

Did you have the conversation about what would be expected of you in your role as housewife before you both made the decision? Seems to me thaat sooooo often on here the mans perception of what he should expect is totally different to the womans. It builds so much resentment.

If there was a dadsnet, he probably would have posted 'AIBU to expect to come home to clean house after working my arse off all day?'

He is not treating you with any respect and obviously believes you are the cleaner.

I really shouldnt be commenting at all though because to put up with a man having this attitude is completely alien to me. I would never have chosen to be at home in the first place when no kids are there to be looked after as couldnt bear for it to be 'my job' to clean the house.

Also, (dons full body armour) before I moved in with my partner and hired a cleaner I did all the things you mentioned in your 1st paragraph, every week, with a full time job and a 1 year old. I think you have it pretty easy... Aside from the health concern, which I hope isnt too serious and that you are not very unwell.

moondog you are very misogynistic to choose to see this as women giving each other permission to 'eat biscuits and do bugger all'

This thread is posted by a woman who very clearly is very busy running a home, not 'doing bugger all' If that's how WE (mothers/wives/mothers mostly I guess) value work done in the home, what chance society at large will ever change!

The 'permission' here is for her not to be bullied about a couple of household jobs by a man who obviously thinks it's ALL her job.

Do people really regularly clean parts of the house they can't even see?! Blimey. Every day's a school day and all that.

I am a slattern - you just can't tell because I clean the visible bits

I cleaned under the sofa cushions once. I found loads of stuff we thought we'd lost!
moondog, wtf?

I have a similar OH. He went on a mini tirade about plumping up the sofa cushions.

We have argued about cleaning for 10 years. I really was a complete slattern before, when we both had full time jobs. I am now better at cleaning being a SAHM with two small children.

Unofortunately now when we argue we remember 10 years of arguments, so plumping the sofa cushions is as big a crime as not cleaning the bathroom for a month (which I do clean now).

Its great to be in our house sometimes.

YANBU

plumping up the cushions! Blimey BOM.

well, in our house it's me who's like this - gets grumpy when something else bugging me & deflects it into nagging dh about tidying up (he is not a tidy person, though). half the time i don't even realise i'm doing it, and i am genuinely not happy, not just doing it to manipulate things for myself.

when i do notice, i back down, but sometimes it's only afterwards that i see what i've done. dh leaving his clothes on the closet floor (he walks into the closet, then folds them & puts them on the floor instead of hanging them up) does make me see a bit of a red mist though, a bit like the cushion plumping at margery's.

Typical man...tell him to clean his own damn house

why are you putting up with this????

"Anyway, there was some poor woman posting this week that her husband EMAILS HER her "to do list" each morning. Now that is seriously unbelieveable and makes my DH look like a saint in comparison."

Yes, and that poor woman's husband is violently abusive. So if you're even putting them on the same spectrum, there's issues.

My issue, like most people's here, is that he's checking up on you. That said, if he's diagnosably OCD I can understand it a bit - I do know people who can't dampen down their anxiety if the pantry isn't organised or the cans lined up or they've checked the iron seven times or whatever. So I can see that his behaviour is a bit like that.

But there's no reason at all that he shouldn get to take it out on you. If he's lovely the rest of the time, he can clearly control his temper. So why doesn't he with you? Or are you his emotional punching bag?

Also, you don't have to dust tops of doors, surely? Doesn't the dust get knocked off when you open and close them?