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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have turfed out BIL against DH's wishes?

36 replies

Leifie · 23/04/2010 12:11

4 months on, i am still getting constant laments from DH re. the removal of his brother from our house.

he lived with me and DH through university(been friends years) but is not the most dynamic individual and it took him until i was about to drop to realise i wanted to live alone with my husband and baby as a proper family, without him hanging around.

he stayed even when i married DH, doing sod all round the house and showed no sign of shifting even when i got pregnant. miserable time: sick, 'nesting', house never to myself, never could walk around naked etc. etc.

anyway, finally in mad-pregnant-woman-pleading-panic i got him to leave and go back to his parents. DH STILL pissed off about it (!!!) thinks it was unnecessary, cruel & now BIL has lost independence and is sad...

i, however, love my own home & family and wish DH would get over it.

OP posts:
Phrenology · 23/04/2010 12:12

So you have two babies, only one is not in nappies. [roll]

Ivykaty44 · 23/04/2010 12:12

BIL has lost independence and is sad...
but he wasn't was he? He lived and scrounged of you two...

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 23/04/2010 12:14

DH has lost his play pal it seems also. DH needs to grow up and start being a proper husband and daddy.

BettyTurnip · 23/04/2010 12:15

No YANBU at all! Your BIL needs to grow up - how is it being independent to lodge at your big brother's marital home? His parents should tell him to get a flatshare sorted as well (assuming he is working and can afford it). And no running home to mummy with his dirty laundry either.

lal123 · 23/04/2010 12:15

maybe BIL should find a life of his own???

BAFE · 23/04/2010 12:15

LOL at "lost his independance". No, he's dependant on his parents instead of dependant on you.

You did the right thing. Your BIL needs to grow up. Why does he not have a home of his own?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 23/04/2010 12:16

It would have been nice if you had discussed it with your dh but ffs your bil is sad?!?!

annh · 23/04/2010 12:16

"Lost independence" - he must be joking? How exactly was he independent if he was living with his brother? Do you mean he was there all through university? If so, surely he has now finished and it is time for him to do something like, say, get a job and his own place to live - this is what most people do at his age, no? And why is he "sad" - because he is not living with his brother and SIL and baby and contributing to that family unit or because he no longer has free lodgings, cleaning etc?!

Original poster
Leifie · 23/04/2010 12:21

well, exactly.

i know for a fact BIL hates independence and is absolutely not suffering in his current accommodation, as DH seems to think. BIL is the ultimate mummy's boy and is having a fine time. cooked dinners & ironed shirts, Petis Filous bought for him when tooth hurts...

as this is DH's idea of hell, he thinks im some kind of diva/harpy for sending BIL back to it. jeez.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 23/04/2010 12:24

Ask your dh if he would prefer to live alone with his brother...

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 23/04/2010 12:28

Was just thinking the same Fab........

BettyTurnip · 23/04/2010 12:32

"BIL is the ultimate mummy's boy and is having a fine time. cooked dinners & ironed shirts, Petis Filous bought for him when tooth hurts..."

I have only borne girls, but if I'd happened to have had a son along the way then, by Christ, I would be making damn sure he didn't turn out like this.

OrmRenewed · 23/04/2010 12:33

YANBU to have done this but YABU to expect Dh to like it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2010 12:44

I'd be telling your DH to grow the hell up. I would also like to know exactly why he is thinking such unmitigated tripe about his freeloader brother in the first place. It was to my mind a big mistake on your parts to have your BIL in your home in the first place. It is not easy to get rid of freeloaders so well done for getting rid of the parasitical BIL.

Enabling someone like your BIL as you have discovered does not help either them or you at all.

I have a BIL who is still at home sponging off his Mum and Dad. He is just treating said parents house as a hotel and they (parents) just enable him all the time running him to all sorts of places and waiting on him hand and foot.

Hassled · 23/04/2010 12:46

No - you've been completely reasonable. Maybe show your DH this thread? Is there any reason why the BIL can't live on his own?

Original poster
Leifie · 23/04/2010 13:03

finances i guess. really, i dont care what BIL does. i just want DH to acknowledge i am normal in wanting a family home, and to apologise for us having only 1 WEEK of BIL-free, baby-free married life. he won't.

i have vowed never, ever to make a mummy's boy of my child. i will always treat him (& any future girls or boys)with the cool,gender-indifferent, non-mollycoddling style of my M&D!!!!

OP posts:
victoriascrumptious · 23/04/2010 14:25

Yeah you're very normal and far far too patient to have put up with this for so long. I think he owes you a massive apology as you've really had the piss taken out of you by both of them.

victoriascrumptious · 23/04/2010 14:26

PLease show your dh this thread, he sounds like a bit of a weirdo and really very selfish and insensitive

Silver1 · 23/04/2010 14:33

Okay- DH was silly to think that having his play mate in the house where he was supposed to be the grown up, but if you love him and he is otherwise great I would probably fester a grudge for twenty years time, but drop the subject for now and live in peaceful harmony.
I also wouldn't show him this thread- he'll get all defensive over his brother's rep.
That said I am assuming you discussed it all with him and didn't just tell his brother to go one night when DH was doing the bins?

diddl · 23/04/2010 14:39

Husband needs to get over it imo.
How long had he lived with you?

Did your husband never want it to be just you?

I appreciate it is his house also and he wanted to help his brother but blöödy hell!

expatinscotland · 23/04/2010 14:42

I think I'd have dumped the DH long before he got to the 'H' stage if his idea of married life was to have his layabout, spare tyre of a brother living with us.

ben10isgr8 · 23/04/2010 14:45

In an ideal world your dh would have been the one to tell his brother to leave. TBH it sounds like your dh liked having a live in play pal rather than acting like a grown up husband and father.

It is good your BIL is gone and a shame that dh isn't understanding of your needs for personal space/family home.

I wouldn't wait for your appology...let it go and ask him to do the same.

drloves8 · 23/04/2010 15:01

ffs! . what kind of H do you have?, can he not see the stress he is causing you and the baby? .
His brother is a selfish twat , and your H and pils should have gave him a good talking too.... ... actually id bet the pils were glad you had him so long , selfish gits.
Selfishness runs in the family i think....

SunSoakedStone · 23/04/2010 17:49

(changed nickname, far too close to actual name!!)

@ drloves8: yep!

im sociable and close to my friends, which is why DH doesnt get why i was so fixated on getting space to myself at home. man logic???

he is strange, im first to admit it, & definitely has issues, as Relationships forum will testify. im going to ignore any comments he has in future about BiL, as i am absolutely not going to get an apology from him and nor am i going to offer any myself.

SunSoakedStone · 23/04/2010 17:50

thanks for all the advice btw, feel well within my rights now

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