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Original poster

Telling children we're not married

37 replies

mrsrat · 23/04/2010 08:24

My children are 7 and 9. They have no idea we are not married as I changed my name by deed poll. Recently they have started to ask questions such as "how old were you when you married daddy" or "when is your wedding anniversary". My partner whom I always call my husband just says to change the subject but I think it needs to be discussed. Do I sit them down and make a big deal out of it ? Also we are both divorcees, in fact my "husband " is still married after 10 years, as she went back to Australia and he can't find her. Do they eed to know we were married before ?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 23/04/2010 08:29

Can't he divorce her in absentia? I'm sure you can after a certain period of time.

They are probably a bit young for all the ins and outs of why you're not actually married - but it wouldn't hurt to tell them that you aren't because you don't think it's necessary - UNLESS you plan on marrying when your DP is free to do so.

Hmm - since they are asking questions, I would answer them as well as you can, don't make a big thing out of it as lots of DC these days have parents who aren't married so there's no need. If you are planning on marrying whenever your DP is free then you can cross that bridge when you get to it but I would avoid telling them lies or ignoring it, if you can.

HollyGoHeavily · 23/04/2010 08:29

Don't lie to your children. The lie becomes worse than the thing you are trying to conceal.

Why are you pretending to be married if you are not??? If you are ashamed to be unmarried (which is what it sounds like) then get married.

Bucharest · 23/04/2010 08:29

I'd just take it one thing at a time. Tell them that you aren't actually married, that these days, not everyone is etc etc.

Previous marriage info can come later I reckon. It's not as if it's having any impact on your lives currently, if it were, then it would be different.

I'm not married, but we are in Italy, where everyone is. Dd just laughs when we tell her we aren't and refuses to believe us!

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/04/2010 08:30

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tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/04/2010 08:32

I'd just tell them. My parents weren't married, and it was always something my mother was upfront about (we had different surnames, she and I, so I suppose it came up early on) and it has never been something I've cared about to this day.

twolittlemonkeys · 23/04/2010 08:35

I know it's not the same but I found out when I was 8 or 9 that my dad (whom I had contact with every week) had remarried and I was really cross that he hadn't told me - he said he thought it would upset me - he already had a DD with my stepmum (a former close friend of my parents, ) so it wasn't as if it would have been a shock, but the fact that he wasn't honest about his marital status made me distrust him for quite a while.

Bottom line, don't lie to your kids. Get your DH a divorce then get married if you want your kids to think you are married.

BitOfFun · 23/04/2010 08:37

He can get a divorce now, even without knowing where the ex is, you know. Tell the kids, and we will all buy a hat!

sarah293 · 23/04/2010 08:47

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BeenBeta · 23/04/2010 08:47

My Mum and Dad never told me when they got married. They were ashamed that I was born less than 9 months later.

I always knew it was a subject that could not be talked about. In fact there are a lot of thinsg that cannt eb talked about.

Kids know this. Tell them, they are old enough to handle it.

Oh and yes you can be divorced after livig apart for a long time without the other person having to agree.

In England & Wales, Desertion for at least 2 years or Separation for at least 5 years are gronds for divorce without the consent of the other person.

It would be very quick and easy to do.

Lonnie · 23/04/2010 08:57

next time they ask for anniversary say the anniversary for when we met was x we are not married so we dont have a wedding anniversary.

If they ask why not then be truthful doesnt mean you have to say oh your father is married to someone else say something like We have not chosen to get married or we havent found it nessesarry (if you feel that) and if they start suggesting you get married then say something like thats a nice idea perhaps we will one day..

fin54 · 23/04/2010 09:07

) I have two granddaughters whose parents are not married; the older of the two is ten and the other one is two. The oldest one knows her mum and dad are not married and it is no big deal to her, in fact she has asked her mum when she is getting married so she can wear a nice dress to their wedding.
Her mum (my daughter) has not changed her name and is known by her own name both children have their dad?s name (so mum's name is different to theirs) the standing joke in their house is there is more ?dad?s names ?live in the house than what their is mum?s names.
I agree with lying to them can only make the situation worse as they get older. A stable environment is more important than if mum and dad are married, both my granddaughters are happy little girls who adore their mum and dad and it doesn?t matter to them if they?re married or not. So I would say tell them the truth.

seanchai · 23/04/2010 09:22

Marriage isn't always a straight forward deal!

Little people think it is fairytale and black and white. It's hard when you have to tell kids that things are a bit more complex than they thought.

I'm guessing that you feel ambiguous about marriage and that is where the problem lies. Excuse me if I'm being presumptive.

You call him husband, and you changed your name, it sounds like you want to be married.

You can get a quick divorce after seven years' absence I think - but others can correct me on that if its not accurate.

The good thing is - if you want to get married the kids can be fully involved. My son gave me away with my dad and it was one of the best moments of my life. I was so proud of both of them!

Kids often take things in their stride more than we think they will. I myself would go easy on explaining being married before atthis stage, give them a basic idea and then possibly you can give them gradual details as they get more mature?

pigletmania · 23/04/2010 09:45

I agree with Holly, what you are doing is confusing your children by referring to your dp as your husband and changing your name to his . Why did you just not get married anyway, does not have to be a big white church wedding thing, just a basic registry office marriage. You should really be honest about it to your kids, though no biggie to you, it might be to your kids.

AMumInScotland · 23/04/2010 10:11

If they are old enough to ask questions, then they are old enough to be given honest answers. Changing the subject or lying are just not sensible options, not these days when it's not a huge big deal anyway!

So, next time the subject comes up, you can just say - We aren't technically married, but we started going out on X date, or moved in together on X date, or whatever you feel is your anniversary. Same for the age question.

maybebaby23 · 23/04/2010 10:19

I havent got time to read replies just wanted to add my bit..

Don't lie to your kids. My parents told us they were married, they wore proper wedding rings and made stuff up when we asked questions! I wouldn't have been bothered one bit if they told me they wern't married! When i found out the truth i lost a bit of respect for them tbh (lots of silly lies though not just that one in my case)

Im sure your kids won't be bothered. I talk to my DD (age 4) all the time about the beautiful dress she will wear WHEN mummy and daddy get married...i see no point whatsoever in lying about it.

Callisto · 23/04/2010 10:35

I actually think it is quite bizarre that you call your partner your husband and that you have changed your name by deed poll to his. You must be very ashamed of your unmarried 'status'. It is the 21st Century - no one cares if you are married or not, least of all your children. But they will care when they figure out that you've been lying to them.

Can I ask why the lies in the first place?

YesYouMust · 23/04/2010 10:39

Mine used not to believe me when i said we weren't married, was like reverse psycology or something.

They believe me know that we are away to get married, but i don't know why anyone would let it become an issue.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 23/04/2010 10:55

Agree that it's not telling them the truth that's the only bad thing here.

I also am finding it really hard to imagine why you've let it become this big un-spoken thing? It's their family, their story, they should know the reality of it. A child is always accepting of stuff if they know about it from tiny and it's part of 'their story'.

Just tell them!

Are you are your partner clear yourselves on what you both want though - have a chat first if not! I think you need to know what is going to happen so that your kids can be clear (eg No we're not married but one day we will be, or no we're not married and we're happy this way).

BritFish · 23/04/2010 14:20

yeah, im confused to why you husband hasnt divorced her. after all, if you have changed his name to his etc, it must be a regular discussion and he would be finding out as much as he could, for example that after 10 years apart youd definately be able to divorce without her being there!
your husband doesnt sound very fussed about you two being married, or he'd found out he could divorce her by now!
more to this maybe?

BramblyHedge · 23/04/2010 14:56

I'd just tell them - they probably won't be fussed. My ds (4) wouldn't believe me for ages that we weren't married because I 'have a ring' (not an engagement ring). I just explained that there were different types of relationships and marriage was just one type and not everyone gets married. He now knows that daddy is my 'boyfriend' (though I personally use the much hated 'partner' as 13 years seems a bit long to keep using bf.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2010 15:31

does your partner (as he is not your husband) want to marry you?

do you want to get married - i get the feeling the answer is yes

i find it very weird that he is still married/hasnt tried to get a divorce from ex - so technically you are not both divorces - he is married but seperated

yes you can easily divorce someone who you havent seen/lived with for years

but yes agree with others, dont lie, just say you are not married

frazzledali · 23/04/2010 15:33

if it's any help, I'm just getting a divorce now - we married 10 years ago and split up 5 and a half years ago, it's all pretty easy as it's over 5 years. He was in Spain and now I think is in France but I don't actually need him to do anything so he could do the same, if he wanted. £300 to file the papers (which you can download, fill in and print from the HM Courts Website) £40 for decree absolute.

I wouldn't have bothered with the divorce for a bit yet (got better things to do with £340!) but am now pregnant and thought that might be a bit weird, especially as have been with new partner for 3 years now.

Good luck.

Original poster
mrsrat · 23/04/2010 17:10

Lots of things to think about here. My partner did start proceedings in absentia but he put desertion on the form rather than separated for 3 years so it was rejected. You have to start whole process again. I haven't put that much pressure on him as I am not in a hurry to get married. I truly love him and it honestly wouldn't matter to me if I never got married> but he did whisk me off to Rome last October and asked me to marry him. I am really happy to be honest about everything as not being married really isn't a big deal any more but he is the one who says to avoid the subject and I think I need to sit him down and make him understand that it is me lying not him. Thanks for all your opinions they have really helped me to focus on the situation. (even if some of them were a bit harsh !)

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 23/04/2010 17:13

By changing the subject you are making this a huge issue and your partner needs to consider what his problem is.

If he has been separated for 5 years I think I am right in saying he can divorce her fairly easily.

Just tell the children the truth. You are not married but you have the same name as Daddy because you changed it by special licence because...

The children will be pretty confused and upset when they do find out if they are much older as they will feel you have lied to them.

Children handle the truth a lot better than lies.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 23/04/2010 17:17

What do you mean it isn't him that is lying? What because he is married? But the kids assume he is married to you!