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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling children we're not married

37 replies

mrsrat · 23/04/2010 08:24

My children are 7 and 9. They have no idea we are not married as I changed my name by deed poll. Recently they have started to ask questions such as "how old were you when you married daddy" or "when is your wedding anniversary". My partner whom I always call my husband just says to change the subject but I think it needs to be discussed. Do I sit them down and make a big deal out of it ? Also we are both divorcees, in fact my "husband " is still married after 10 years, as she went back to Australia and he can't find her. Do they eed to know we were married before ?

OP posts:

4andnotout · 23/04/2010 17:27

I'm in a similar situation, we have been together 6 years and have had a further 3 dd's but dp is still married to someone else (we had to wait the 5 yr seperation and are now trying to save for the divrce)
The dd's know that we are not married to eachother but that dp is.

runnybottom · 23/04/2010 21:00

Why would they care whether you are married? Unless you are teaching them that you must be married to live together/have babies sort of thing?

APassionateWoman · 23/04/2010 21:01

How utterly bizarre. Why would you not just be honest with them? Are you ashamed that you aren't married? if so, why aren't you married?

usualsuspect · 23/04/2010 21:03

How strange ...why would you let them think you are married if you are not ..like it really matters

wubblybubbly · 23/04/2010 21:07

Honestly, just tell them the truth. It doesn't have to be the full details, but it's pointless lying, you'll just be digging a big hole for yourselves.

My Grandparents have lied about the date of their wedding all their lives, since my Mum was born just 7 months after they were actually married. They even had their big ruby wedding do a year early. It's sad really, everyone knows, but no one wants to upset them.

padraig · 23/04/2010 21:11

Tell them the truth, lying does no good as far as this subject is concerned.

Parents romanticising marriage is probably one of the reasons why the divorce rate is so high these days IMO.

scottishmummy · 23/04/2010 21:13

ok,so make amends.tell them mum and dad love each other and them very much. tactfully and honestly discuss your situation

two adults in loving stable relationship
two loved children
not married

and be clear you aren't married.in response to direct questions "how old were you when you married daddy" - i havent married daddy and we love each other very much

do talk about how you and he met, show them photos.be inclusive about your relationship

Pikelit · 23/04/2010 21:13

Be proud of your unmarried status. I know I am. Most children care not one whit whether their parents are married or not. They like precise details about things - which is why you get asked about dresses and cakes and suchlike - but if you haven't got a wedding to talk about they'll find some other thing to discuss in forensic detail!

marriednotdead · 23/04/2010 21:29

My mum is not married to her partner of 35 years. She refused to 'go down the aisle' for what would be a third time. She did however assume his name and wears a wedding ring. My much younger (half)sister has never been told and mum is adamant that I mustn't say anything until after her death! I think it is ridiculous (sis is 26) but mum is convinced she will be angry to find out now. I reckon she found out a while back but as no-one is prepared to be open, it remains a skeleton festering in mums's cupboard. Don 't lie to your kids; people like me have to pick up the pieces eventually!

MilaMae · 23/04/2010 21:33

We're like Pikelit - proud of the fact we're not married.

In fact my dd 5 is obsessed with the Disney idea of marriage and I actually try and put her off the whole thing as I hate it.

We tell ours a wedding is just a 1 day party,it's not important especially after 20 years. It's far more important to concentrate on having fun,traveling,learning and one day hopefully/maybe finding somebody you love and that makes you happy. If you want to get married great ( we won't be paying for it )but you don't need to if you just want to be together like mummy and daddy are. Just make sure whoever you decide to live with makes you happy.

We've also told ours we'll do it one day and they can help plan it.

The boys aren't the slightest bit interested, dd is now less so since she's learnt dp won't be dressed up in a satin blue suit like Cinderella's prince charming and I won't be arriving on a unicorn

MudandRoses · 23/04/2010 22:38

Gosh - DP and I aren't married - and never thought it was something we should hide from DS (4) - why on earth SHOULD we be married?? Do your children believe you have to be married to love each other/have children/be a family? Do you??

Xenia · 23/04/2010 23:08

Tell them. If they are clever like lo9ts of children in due course they can download for not that much money his marriage certificate anyway on line. Also if he died or left their life and finances will be completely different from if you were married so they have a right to know. Presumably it is convenient for him to live in sin and commit adultery with you so that you have no marriage legal rights. Of course if you're the higher earner you may well feel better protected by not tying the knot.

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